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CrazyMom01 · Mar 16, 2010, 09:34 AM

My husband has a child with another woman. The child came before we were together, but his ex cannot let go of him and move on with her own life. She has tried to wreck our relationship a few times, she even tried to derail our wedding day.He thinks that they "need" to be friends for the sake of the child. Do they have to be friends or can they just be friendly/civil to each other for the sake of the child? Please help, I don't know what to do anymore.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2010, 11:38 AM

Civil will be enough, but that's really his call.

She has tried to wreck our relationship a few times, she even tried to derail our wedding day

HOW??

I think you tell him to keep her away from you, and you away from her, and trust him to handle his business. If he doesn't leave.

Devorameira · Mar 16, 2010, 12:24 PM

In the perfect world it would be great if both of you could be friends with the ex for the children's sake, but since she's obviously not over him, he only needs to be civil towards her.

You are his wife now and it is a matter of respect for him to not be too "friendly" with her. You need to tell him straight out how you feel.

Gemini54 · Mar 16, 2010, 06:25 PM

I don't think he needs to be friends with her, particularly if she interferes in your relationship.

All he needs to do is communicate with her about their child.

It's called 'boundaries' and he needs to create them with her.

You should be his priority and focus, not her.

CrazyMom01 · Mar 17, 2010, 03:24 AM

Thanks for all the comments... I have tried to tell him that it is not good for them to be friends, but it ends up in a fight... how do I get him to realise that he does not need to be her friend without it ending in a fight...

Quote
She has tried to wreck our relationship a few times, she even tried to derail our wedding day

Quote by Talaniman
HOW??

It seems stupid, but the week before the wedding she tried everything to get in the way of plans that we had for the day, we were doing the final touches for the wedding. We went to the dress maker to collect my wedding dress, this is a 45min drive and as soon as we got there she phoned to say that we need to fetch the child...

Fr_Chuck · Mar 17, 2010, 03:48 AM

I actually find it strange he wants to be friends with her, He can in fact hate her, despise her and more just just has to act civil when around the child. In front of the child no bad words about parent should be said.

Is he wanting to spend time at their home or be around the mother in addition to the child ?

talaniman · Mar 17, 2010, 06:34 AM

While its great that more, and more guys are stepping up to be fathers, the way they go about it has much to be desired.

Too often they don't know how to work with the mothers (why they relationships failed), in establishing boundaries of good behavior between them, so the only effective way to to define, and identify their responsibilities is to have a third party define it for them. The courts can handle the support, and visitations, and I highly recommend that to all young (and old) guys who have exes who they have a problem with.

Crazymom, I seriously doubt, any suggestion you make about what he, and the ex, do about their child raising will not end in an argument. Back away from it, and let him deal with this his way, as you can only expect his loyalty, respect, and consideration in this matter. Leave it alone, and keep your contact with her to a bare minimum, because when the friends thing doesn't work, he will see he needs a better plan.

That's my advice for you is to stop pushing, and let him handle this his way. He has already let you know how he feels, and to push for him to change is not wise. Where it directly affects your marriage is where you make a stand, not him being friendly with his baby momma. If the roles were reversed you would expect him to love and support you and your child, so apply that same standard to him, love and support his child, and let him deal with his ex. Don't let the past drive a wedge between you as you must approach this in a positive way.

Besides the wedding, what has she been doing to undermine your marriage? One incident is not a pattern or a problem.

What else is going on here? Tell us, please.