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chris5537 · Mar 15, 2010, 02:21 PM

Moved to its own thread

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OK so my ex is still texting me she miss me and loves me.. now this is how I got here.. she told me that its unfair to me cause she works 70 hours a week she has a f/t and p/t job she works 6 days a week and told me when she does finally get home from work she just wants to shower and be alone to relax.. she swears its not about wanting or being with someone else.. now last bight we talk and she was saying how she feels only seeing each other 1 or 2 days a week is not fair to me.so I told her I needed to think about things.. well I did some thinking and figured hey I'm done calling and texting her so I called and left her a VM saying I think I understand and I will not call or text her unless she calls/texts me... so today I get a text saying I got your VM but I was too tired to talk last night.. I haven't replyed I need advise should I reply or wait to see if she calls/texts me again?

I wish · Mar 15, 2010, 02:42 PM

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? How much longer does she have to keep working 70 hours a week? This definitely puts a serious strain on the relationship. So you definitely need to talk things out.

Since she's the one who's busy, why don't you arrange a time to speak to each other, so that you know for sure you will both be available.

chris5537 · Mar 15, 2010, 04:17 PM

I'm not sure how much longer she needs to work all the hours she does I mean I understand she has rent a car payment and other bills she needs to take care of.the thing I don't understand is she really doesn't seem to really put much effort in to finding a job in the caree she was in she made good money when she was working the one job in the city which she was laid off from and has put her rusume out there but no call backs.. I told her that I understand she works 70 hours a week and I was willing to see her 1 to 2 times a week and I would be fine with that.. but she tells me she feels that's unfair to me

Romefalls19 · Mar 16, 2010, 06:07 AM

You just have to understand her wishes, but I wouldn't want the yo-yo part of it. Either a relationship or nothing, not this calling and should you call back stuff

talaniman · Mar 16, 2010, 07:35 AM

Maybe it is unfair. If you're going to be okay with your once or twice a week thing, what's the problem? Why are you questioning your own actions?

I don't know your story, your ages, or what you're trying to achieve here, but its pretty obvious she has such a limited time for social interacting of any kind.

How long have you been going thru this?

Devorameira · Mar 16, 2010, 08:10 AM

If you can tolerate a relationship that's short on dating/together time, then stick with her until she finds another good job and gets back to working a regular 40 hour work week.

But - If you feel cheated in the relationship and can't accept the little bit of time you get to spend together, then I'd suggest moving on.

Imabadman · Mar 16, 2010, 09:43 AM

OK... so you didn't employ No Contact. No Contact is a pretty basic thing... you have no contact, get it?

As the others pointed out in the discussions you're having with her you need to understand her wants/needs and your wants/needs. If they don't mesh up then you may need to consider that this isn't the right relationship.

I've generally found that when two people are in love, really in love, there are no schedules.

talaniman · Mar 16, 2010, 09:51 AM

Maybe, as is the case with many in this economy, her 70 hours of work, is necessary to make ends meet after losing her other job.

If you expect her to choose you over her livelihood, you better rethink that.

What is it you want specifically?

chris5537 · Mar 16, 2010, 12:09 PM

OK I agree with everyone I never asked her NOT to work the crazy hours I myself is the one who said about seeing each other once or twice a week and she is the one telling me she doesn't think its fair to me.. and I am trying to do NC I am not calling or texting her she is the one calling/texting me and I feel if I don't answer her she will feel I don't want anything to do with her..

Imabadman · Mar 16, 2010, 12:28 PM

You say you want to see her a couple times a week and she tells you that it's not fair to you... HUH?!

I'm sorry but I just feel from what you're telling us is that she is already checking out of this relationship and blaming it on her work hours/schedule. I understand she's working mucho hours to support herself... but like I said love doesn't know a schedule. If she was truly interested in being with you she would find time, any bit of time.

Newguy2009 · Mar 16, 2010, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by chris5537

she told me that its unfair to me cause she works 70 hours a week she has a f/t and p/t job she works 6 days a week and told me when she does finally get home from work she just wants to shower and be alone to relax..?

Why can't she relax with you? For a couple of hours? I understand she's tired and may not want to go bowling or anything like that but, what is wrong with this picture? Its like Imabadman says, "there are no schedules". visit her on her break. My ex used to love that. I would work 12 hr shifts and be dying to come home to my girl. There's something not right here and I don't want to jump to conclusions but somebody else may be in the picture and she is setting things up for a break.

Its not fair to you?? Something a cheater would say in my opinion. Hope that's not the case though and you can work things out. How long has this been going on by the way? The long hours...

chris5537 · Mar 16, 2010, 03:23 PM

Yea I think so to she also has ulcerative colitis and I think that is acting up also and doesn't want me to see her when it starts up also afew weeks ago her ex started to text her and in one of his texts he said something about have fun with your one night stand right after I got there.so he knows where she lives do you think he may have may some threats towards me and she won't tell me and rather involve me see is just saying amything to keep me away till she takes care of that problem

OK so last night she text me again saying she got my VM and texted me in the AM and I never answered then she went on to tell me her day was long and she had tobe work at 6 am and proable won't get out till 8pm.then she said she was going to bed it was about 9PM so I just texted back have a goodnite sweet dreams.she said thanks and that was the end of the texting I haven't text/called her today as I amrespecting her and giving her space so we shall see what happens tonight.

Imabadman · Mar 17, 2010, 06:01 AM

Chris5537 good luck with all that. I realize this all feels 'right' right about now but I fear you're in for a lot of heartache.

You may consider beginning to distancing yourself as she is. Such a posture will ease the final blow.

chris5537 · Mar 20, 2010, 03:51 PM

Chris, I don't know what to say really.. I've given all of this lots of thought and I'm sorry but I just want to be alone. I know you miss me and that this is really hard for you.. it hasn't been easy on me either but I'm just a better person when I'm not in a relationship. I just can't give this the time and effort it needs. I know that you're a good person, you proved that to me.. you're a caring, genuinely sweet guy.. I know that you always meant well in everything you did. I honestly just don't want to worry about another persons feelings, worry about making time for someone else, be committed to family obligations, all the things that come with a relationship.. I just don't want right now. I can't fit it into my life, I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm a better person when the only person I need to worry about is me. I do love you and I do hope you are OK...

My reply-Hey I'm not saying I want to jump back into a relationship.But what I am saying is I still would like to maybe go on dates with you go to the movies bowling out to dinner things like that.Where we are still in each others life without the worry of saying to are selfs I got to do this or do that cause we are a couple.And if I don't its going to be a fight.

Her reply-Yes we can still be in each others lives.. not sure how often we will get to see each other but I care about you and would be nice to stay in touch, as long as you can respect my need for space and privacy

Alty · Mar 20, 2010, 03:58 PM

You now have a friend. That's what she's saying.

Can you accept that and just be her friend? If so, great. If not, then don't do this to yourself, tell her it's too hard and go to no contact.

talaniman · Mar 20, 2010, 04:08 PM

What are you going to do when she goes out with someone else??

chris5537 · Mar 21, 2010, 08:21 AM

I am just going NC and as far as her going out with someoneelse well I don't think she is looking to go out with anyone now like I said she works 6 days a week.. its a time thing and maybe she will try to better herself and down the road things will be diff

talaniman · Mar 21, 2010, 08:28 AM

If a female gets asked out by someone she likes, or is attracted to, she will go, just to explore the possibilities. That's your sign that she wasn't that into you, she didn't MAKE time for you.

Take the hint, and go NC now, and get something besides hoping for her to take you back, going for yourself. All females tell the guy they dump, she isn't looking for any one. That doesn't mean they won't take a chance for love, and romance.

Have you read my rules yet?

I wish · Mar 21, 2010, 08:57 AM

I'm sorry to say, but it seems pretty clear that she no longer wants a romantic relationship with you. She only wants a regular friendship. If you're only planning on staying friends in hopes of winning her back, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

Furthermore, the reason we're suggesting NC is so that you can heal from the break up. I recommend that you read the NC related threads in my signature.

Imabadman · Mar 22, 2010, 08:51 AM

Chris sorry for your loss, really I am. But realize that each of these 'puppy dog' maneuvers you attempt push her further and further away and make you look more and more weak and pathetic in her eyes. I'm sorry that's just how it is.

You need to take control of your feelings and actions now. No more begging, pleading, and bargaining. For now, suck it up and walk away like a man.