[nycali]

So here is the story.

I've been dating this girl for 5 and a half years now. We've broken up twice before, once when she first go to college (she dumped me) and another over a year ago (by me) that last for all of a month. So the past couple of months or so have been rough for her. She just graduated college and she's extremely stressed and nervous about what is going to happen in her life and what she's doing. We went to school at different places, about an hour and a half apart and would see each other most weekends. So with all of this stress going on in her life she's been very on edge and we've been arguing a lot, some times about nothing at all.

So flash forward to last Thursday. I understood we were having our problems and needed to work through them, so I texted her after she went to bed and told her to try and make it up a little early to me on Friday because I had something planned. Well the next morning I got woken up to a text that was clearly meant for someone else. It said "so and so has something planned for me on friday :/ he isn't going to make this easy". To which I immediately replied to and was like what the hell? She spent the next 30 minutes denying it, telling me it was the morning and that she meant to send something else. I told her that I wasn't stupid and knew she wanted to break up and if she was going to do it, then just do it now and save the drive up here. She of course refuted and told me that we weren't going to break up this weekend, we just needed to work things out.

So she comes up on Friday and acts like nothing is wrong, meanwhile I've been worrying about this the past two days. She asks what I want to do and I immediately say talk. So we get to talking and she was like I'm still in love with you, I want to be with you, I want to work things out, but I don't think that they can. (kind of messed up huh?) To which I say, that's bs, if you wanted to work things out then we would. So she left and I've been a mess ever since, food turns to ash in my mouth, sleep doesn't come, I'm constantly anxious about what she is doing and who she is with.

This breakup is kind of taking the same path that it did the first time she broke up with me. She's in a major transition in her life and can't deal with things. She's going out to party with her friends all the time (which scares the crap out of me considering who a couple of her friends are). I'm afraid of the person who she's going to become. We've been each others first and only and she always told me how special she thought that was and really loved how that was so. She also repeatedly told me how I was the ONE and how she knew it and never wanted to be with anyone else, I even talked to someone who is our mutual friend and she said this to them when I broke up with her for like a month.

So its been a little over a week now and I started nc yesterday. I had been texting her and her responding basically asking questions like, is there no hope for us anymore? And telling her that it seemed like this was not affecting her at all. She's replied that she does love me and miss me very much and that this wasn't about being with other people and that is the furthest thing from her mind right now. She's also said though that she thinks this is the best for us right now and in the long run and that we should make these decisions on our own (I'm about to go into law school). Basically, I'm just terrified that she is going to turn into one of the girls who just sleeps with whoever looks at them the right way, I know she's not that kind of person.

The thing is, she's never been able to be 100% honest with me, she's been telling my friends the same things she's telling me, but I heard the other day from a mutual friend who talked to her that she doesn't know if she wants to be with other people or not. (which I guess is better than definitely wanting to be with other people) Which to me makes what she has told me insincere and a lie.

Last time we broke up I stopped contacting her and after maybe two months she started to contact me again and tell me how much she misses me and still loves me and how stupid she was and what a mistake she made and we got back together over the next months. Basically, I thought that this girl was the one. I could be completely myself around her and she was without a doubt my best friend as well. The thought of her being with someone else makes me want to hurl myself onto the freeway. I also told her that we could never be friends and that she could not be in my life or me in hers if she wanted to be with other people seeing as there is no way I would ever be able to be OK with that. She's also said through email that if we can work on things separately and be together someday that would be wonderful because she really does love me, but that she can't predict the future and can't give me any guarantees.

So here we go, day two of no contact, I'm terrified that we may never be together again but at the same time I'm slowly coming to the realization that maybe I shouldn't be holding out hope for this. My birthday is coming up pretty soon too and I know that at the very least she'll text me and say happy birthday or give me a call or something. So my questions are what should I be doing in the mean time? Should I hold out hope? What should I say if she says happy birthday to me? Should I get back together with her if she wants to?

[emopunk7]

Whoa! Slow down. What were the main problems the two of you were having?

[nycali]

We were both really confused about the future and where we wanted to live, she also told me that I was mean to her, which by all accounts to everyone else I've talked to is bull crap. Sure I like to make a joke or two about things here and there, but I always told her that I don't do it to put her down, and when she does take it that way, I always apologized profusely. I was also getting upset because it seemed like she started to care about her friends a lot more than me. Like we could barely hang out for two minutes together without her texting her friends back and forth and when I told her I would like to spend some time with her she all but ignored me. I don't know, she never really told me what actually wasn't working now that I think about it


And when I say make a joke or two, I mean like playful teasing, not like me calling her out or making fun of her in front of people, just small little teasing things to try and be playful with her

[Kitkat22]

What sort of remarks did you make to her?

[nycali]

Like joking about maybe the things she watched or if she did something silly or stupid, but she would do the same thing to me and I never got upset and it never seemed to bother her that much before

[Kitkat22]

like joking about maybe the things she watched or if she did something silly or stupid, but she would do the same thing to me and i never got upset and it never seemed to bother her that much before

Sometimes woman don't mind that sort of thing, there are times when they do. Have you been true to her and she to you?:)

[nycali]

Also, trust was a big problem between us, especially me trusting her. She has lied to me before about some pretty big things early on in the relationship and its been hard to 100% trust her again, especially since she has lied before and it took me a while to actually get the truth out of her

[Kitkat22]

Also, trust was a big problem between us, especially me trusting her. She has lied to me before about some pretty big things early on in the relationship and its been hard to 100% trust her again, especially since she has lied before and it took me a while to actually get the truth out of her

What was the truth?

[nycali]

I have always been completely honest and faithful to her and I believe that she has been faithful to me too. And I always told her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her and tried to make her feel special


Stuff about college, who she was with when she broke up with me, what they actually did with each other (which I believe when they say they didn't do much, but it was like pulling teeth to try to get her to tell the truth)

[Kitkat22]

i have always been completely honest and faithful to her and i believe that she has been faithful to me too. And I always told her how beautiful she was and how much i loved her and tried to make her feel special

Do you think maybe you need to take a break from each other for a while? Maybe she's feeling a little smothered. Is she jealous of you? From what you've said you really love her. I would just come right out and ask her what she's feeling about long term plans about your future.

[nycali]

Well I did ask her after we first broke up, she told me that she honestly doesn't know, but that she's still in love with me and misses me very much, but we both need to figure things out on our own before we could even think about getting back together. But I have not contacted her in the past 2 days. Maybe she does need time, this situation is very similar to what happened the first time we broke up, but I don't know what's going to happen for sure and it terrifies me

[Kitkat22]

QUOTE by nycali;
Well I did ask her after we first broke up, she told me that she honestly doesn't know, but that she's still in love with me and misses me very much, but we both need to figure things out on our own before we could even think about getting back together. But I have not contacted her in the past 2 days. Maybe she does need time, this situation is very similar to what happened the first time we broke up, but I don't know what's going to happen for sure and it terrifies me

Give her space! You can't stop her if she wants to break up. Don't sit around waiting for her to call. Do you work out? If you do this would be a great time to get rid of some of those frustrations by lifting weights and running.

[nycali]

And I am giving her space, but should I be holding out hope? Why would she tell me everything she has about how she loves me (and tell all of her friends that she knows I am the one) if she didn't mean it? That's something to me that you shouldn't say to anyone unless you are 100% sure


Also, all of our mutual friends have said that they would bet anything that she's just a little freaked out by the changes going on in her life and that she'll realize what she's done after a little while. Doesn't help too much, but it makes me feel a tiny bit better

[Kitkat22]

and i am giving her space, but should i be holding out hope? why would she tell me everything she has about how she loves me (and tell all of her friends that she knows i am the one) if she didn't mean it? that's something to me that you shouldn't say to anyone unless you are 100% sure

As I said before, do not let this make you sick! Just talk and tell her honestly how you feel. Turn your phones off and talk with no interruptions. No friend around just the two of you and tell her how unsure you are about her!

She might just need time, everybody does.Call her and ask if you two can talk and tell her you want to do it soon. Tell her you want her to be

Brutally honest with you! Wouldn't you rather know now or wait in this
Awful sense of uncertainy? I'm sorry but I believe you agree your tired of the waiting! Good luck sweetie.

[talaniman]

Sounds like you both need a solid plan for the future. I think I start by finding out in detail, what she would like to do with her education. Don't say anything until she asks, so you can be a good listener. That at least will give you insights into her mind.

I can understand her wanting to make a decision for herself, now that college is over with, and assuming you both have talked of what you would do, what have you told her YOUR plans were?

[Kitkat22]

It's better to know now than to go on thinking there's a future with her if there isn't.

[nycali]

I mean, she knows that I'm going to law school, and I haven't decided yet if that's in cali or ny, but I mean I told her I don't know and I've tried to get her to talk to me, but she said that she just can't do that right now.

[amicon]

I think you plan your own future.

Don't put your life on hold-dont stay stuck in limbo,get on with your own life.

[talaniman]

Could the problem be she doesn't know what your going to do, or were your going to be?

How does she plan her own future with a guy she doesn't know where he will be.

Maybe this whole thing is about the distance between you in the past, and the distance she sees in the future.

She may think this waiting for 5 years was enough for her, and doesn't want any more waiting.

[Kitkat22]

Ask her! Tell her where you stand and ask her about the futur. Talking helps.