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JohnyLake16 · Mar 3, 2010, 06:47 PM

Well, where can I start? (first I'm gay and my best friend is a str8 guy.) I left my school, and returned to my previous school.(I had been there 5 years ago) and I recently Re-connected with one of my friends. It probably one of the best things I have ever done. I never usually connect with guys, but with him I don't know I just do. We are really really close friendship-wise. But unfortunately I am madly in love with him. It gets to a point where I just have to leave wherever he is because he just consumes my mind. And sometimes I doubt of his sexuality, and I'm not the only one so I'm not just imagining it, but deep inside I know it will never happen. But I just love him too much. And all women have done to him is hurt him and hurt him. And that pisses me off. Not blowing my own horn, but I know I would treat him better than any woman would. It's a guy thing(no offense intended to any woman btw) I just can't handle it, and I don't want to tell him cause then our friendship gets weird. But on top of that we made a promise to not keep secrets from each other, so I'm ed either way. I also don't want to distance myself from him because that would hurt him to and I don't want that, I want him to be happy. I've been really good at hiding my feelings; I know he hasn't noticed. I don't even hug him, and I rarely shake his hand or whatever str8 men to do say hi to each other. But when I get a chance I lean my head of his shoulder, or get as close as possible, and he doesn't really mind. Oh and yea, he knows I'm gay I told him. I just love him so much and I need help. I hate loving him, but I want to. I don't want to stop loving him the way I do, but I have to. AHH advise? Thanks :)

talaniman · Mar 5, 2010, 09:29 AM

Its really very simple, because if your love doesn't come with respect for him, and who he is, then its not love, but lust, and selfish at that.

Stay within the boundaries of good behavior as a friend, and respect he is straight, and loves you as a friend.

If you can't handle your feelings, then its up to you to leave him alone.

Its one thing to have feelings, but quite another to act on them. Its wise not to, when those actions cross the line of good behavior.

Your friends, ask him if he has gay feelings, but never assume because of stories from the rumor mill. Nor try to take advantage of him.

JohnyLake16 · Mar 7, 2010, 07:59 PM

No no no, don't get me wrong. Of course I respect him, I obviously do. I'm sure I didn't imply that I did not respect him its not lust, because I feel no sexual desire at all, I just love him. And I can't leave him alone, as I said in my explanation, because then he would get hurt also. And again, as I said in my explanation, I'm not assuming he's gay because of rumors, I'm basing that on things he has told me, and I'm simply reassuring myself that I'm not just imagining he's gay because other people who are also close to him and I have similar doubts. And as I'm sure you notied, I would NEVER take advantage of him. Thanks for the help though :D

friend4u178 · Mar 7, 2010, 08:27 PM

Originally Posted by JohnyLake16

no no no, dont get me wrong. of course i respect him, i obviously do. im sure i didnt imply that i did not respect him its not lust, because i feel no sexual desire at all, i just love him. and i can't leave him alone, as i said in my explanation, bcuz then he would get hurt also. and again, as i said in my explanation, im not assuming hes gay because of rumors, im basing that on things he has told me, and im simply reassuring myself that im not just imagining hes gay bcuz other people who are also close to him and i have similar doubts. and as im sure u notied, i would NEVER take advantage of him. thanks for the help though :D

So if you feel no sexual desire for him where's the problem , just keep loving and respecting him as a friend.

JohnyLake16 · Mar 7, 2010, 09:37 PM

Because its not the same as loving a friend. Its being IN love with someone. And that was poorly worded, because what I meant was that my wanting for the feeling of love, cuddling, holding hands, romantic nights out, just being with him overcomes my sexual desire 10 fold.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2010, 08:12 AM

The whole point is that ain't happening without him wanting it. Gay or not, if he doesn't feel as you do, then you can't force him too, nor hope he does.

It doesn't matter what the rumors say about his sexuality, or what he has told you. What matters is what he does.

Look, I get your feelings, I really do, but they are not realistic given the circumstances are they? Especially if your secretly wishing he would be "out of the closet" so you would have a chance with him.

That's letting your own feelings get you carried away.

JohnyLake16 · Mar 8, 2010, 05:52 PM

Um, I'm pretty sure my feeling aren't fake if that's what you mean? I'm not entirely sure I understood what you wrote :S

talaniman · Mar 8, 2010, 05:59 PM

I don't question your feelings, but if his are not the same, you don't get the hand holding, and cuddling from him you so want.

Can you accept that and just be his friend?

JohnyLake16 · Mar 9, 2010, 02:38 PM

I am accepting it. Which is why I have not told him or distanced myself. Its just really hard for me, but I'm doing it I'm holding my ground. I just needed support from other people because I didn't know for how much longer I couldve just pretended. Thanks a lot for you advice/help :D

talaniman · Mar 9, 2010, 04:16 PM

Gotcha, I know it must be hard, and having many female friends for a long time, sometimes its harder than others, to not act on those feelings.

I have always had my own boundaries of good behavior to keep me on a good path, and maybe that can help you, as certain things are off limits, and not disrespecting a friend is high on my list. Obviously yours too!