[imnotallthat]

My Mother hates me and It has taken me until I was 40 years old to write these words down. I know that I can't change her and I can only change the way I feel, act, etc... but it doesn't matter. I too, cry almost everyday because it is very, very hard to have the person that brought you into this world hate you. She plays mind games with me including talking very badly about me to anyone I am close to (my husband, my grandmother, my stepfather, my little brother). The hardest thing about it is that she can be very nice but it is primarily with monitary items and buying things for me, my husband or my children. She is trying to have a relationship with my children and my husband wants her to have one as well. He says to rise above it and not let the anger consume me or the sadness. However he is from Ozzy and Harriet style of family so he does not really understand. But he tries. He is supportive and he has said many times in the past 15 years that if she were his mother he would have quit talking to her a long time ago. I can't help but feel that I am defective because of her hate. I can't help but feel that I am unloveable. It is deep and nothing touches it. I wish I could keep pretending, as I have all these years that it's okay because I am bigger than her and I won't sink to that level. However I can't even do that because she chooses to no longer communicate with me. She is amazingly mean and says really, really unkind things about me. Somehow I want to understand that she is crazy. My dad says she's crazy. My grandmother says she's crazy. My grandmother said that as a child she wanted to call Soc Services and report her for mental abuse. As far as her life - it has been bad. About as bad as it gets so psychologically I understand her issues and that she has attachment disorder and my sister says she has some kind of personality disorder. But still it lingers the sadness, the crying. The inability to understand how someone could be so nice at times and then so very mean at others. How do you bring someone into this world and treat them so bad. I have spent my life trying to gain her love, her respect, her attention. She loves my siblings so much. That is another really hard part of the whole picture. She loves them and makes it known to everyone. I can't go on living this way. I must have some advice and learn to live my life fully without being affected and without caring so much. I don't know why I care so much when she has been so awful to me. I guess as with any issue "Admitting it is the first step." I truly spent the past 40 years believing and convincing others (like my husband) that she really does love me deep down and just doesn't know how to show it or she's had such a hard life so I forgive her. Needless to say I can no longer look the other way. She treats me worse than anyone else I've ever known and she's my mother. She isn't going to live forever and who knows really how much longer she will be around. I am the kind of person that doesn't want to be at odds with anyone so I've spent a lot of time and effort and energy trying to get her to love me. Just to say and think that I'm a good person. When things were good or I perceived them to be good between us she would always say "I love you." at the end of our conversations. Sometimes we would talk for hours and were best friends. Many times I gave her advice and I have always been there for her. I nominated her for an award for the best mother. I threw her a 60th b-day party and planned the whole thing. I've made her hundreds of dinners and brunches for special occasions and I've never ever forgotten her special day (okay maybe once when I was a selfish teen) but otherwise I've only admired her for so many reasons and told her so all the time.
Enough is enough. I must have some self pride and quit letting her walk all over me and treat me so wrong. It is all more than I can handle and I need to focus on my own family. I need to make sure that I don't ever make her same mistakes. So far though I am a very loving person but sometimes I feel myself channeling her and I hate it. I've done some things that would only be exactly like her either as a parent or a friend. I need to let her go completely but the question of having a relationship with my kids, her grandkids is still out there. We are about to go to my home town and I am not going to see her. I simply can not. It will kill me a little because I still love her so much. But I will not allow her to treat me this way any longer. I am done. What should I do about my kids? She hasn't really done anything but spoil them with gifts and material items. That is what she is all about - showing her love by buying things and giving things. She has never, ever babysat for either of them and actually got mad one time when I asked her to. However she has emailed my husband and told my grandmother (recently) that I am keeping her grandkids from her. This is also untrue. She did not call my daughter on her birthday for the first time ever. I guess since she is no longer talking to me. So I had my daughter call her and thank her for the big box of gifts. My daughter left a message and said thank you and it's my birthday and I wish you were here. She never called my daughter back and then emailed my husband the next morning and said that I am keeping her grandkids from her. SOOOOOO - what can I do? I think it would probably be best if she weren't in our lives, in any way, at all but that is not even something I would have thought of in my wildest dreams in spite of the hard and difficult relationship I've had with her. I am just not the type of person that writes people off or deliberately causes anyone any pain. So I am stuck and still sad and getting stronger though and reaching out. Finally.

[imnotallthat]

I wanted to add that I think --no actually, I know that the outcome of the relationship difficulties that I've had with my mother have caused me to have many of my own issues. I know that I can't continue to carry this burden around with me because I am shortning my own life due to the stress caused by this relationship and how it has effected my life. It is driving me to do things that I would not normally do. Not sure if normally is correct because this is 'normally' since I've only known this for as long as I can remember. So I must learn to be good to myself and love myself no matter what. Only then can I learn to treat myself better and this is another big concern. It is eating away my health, my happiness and affecting about every area of my life - my job, my health, my relationships with friends and family and so many other negative things I can't list them all. Needless to say - I need a swift kick in the you know what - to WAKE UP and realize that this in not any way to live. Not for me. Not anymore.

[Gemini54]

You've already talked in another thread about your marriage seemingly falling apart...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...es-456029.html

But, I wonder if you can talk a bit more about what's happening? - particularity as you think the marriage/mother difficulties are related.

Why does your mother hate you and how has this affected your marriage?

[artlady]

I think you have carried this burden long enough and it is time you spoke to a professional and cut the ties that bind you to this poor relationship.Or work on the issues you have to create a healthy relationship ,if that is where you would like to go.

Counseling is to help us work through our fears and come to an understanding about them and I think it would benefit you to do so.Perhaps down the road your mother could join you in therapy and you can repair the relationship.

A third objective party would be of great benefit.You are too close to this emotionally to make reasonable conclusions.

[Jake2008]

Unfortunately, you had no say who your parents were going to be when you were conceived. You got what you got.

There is no rule book that says simply because you are a mother, you are capable of loving your child, or that you can't love each of your children differently.

There is no rule book for parents. Some are exemplary, some suck. Some are experts at loading on the guilt. Some show love in different ways, i.e. buying it.

But, the bottom line is that she is who she is. At your age, it is a relationship that is not going to be a loving one, and you must learn how to move past that. See her for who she is, not who you want her to be.

The person she is, is not the person you are destined to be. Because you can clearly see (and experience) her faults and attitude, you know what you need to do to be your own person.

We have to be realistic when it comes to setting boundaries. Allow her a relationship with your children by all means, but under your own authority. Time, date, duration, etc. If you are uncomortable going to her home, don't be a whiny baby about it, encourage others (husband, siblings, kids) to go, but be straight up and say simply that she makes you uncomfortable. Because she does!

You do not HAVE to pretend. You do not have to put a smile on your face, while getting set up to be disappointed yet once again. Living on false hope will indeed shorten your life.

You do not owe anybody an explanation for how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. Develop the fortitude you need within yourself to stop the abusive, toxic relationship. You were not born to worship your mother.

Accept that others may see the opposite, or think you are being really unfair, or disrespectful, or unreasonable. So what!

At age 40, you really need to call your own shots.

[Gemini54]

I guess in the end YOU have the choice.

You can continue to weep and pine for the love of your mother and compare yourself to your siblings, you can continue to make a misery of your life, OR, you can decide to stop allowing her to affect you this way.

You know that deep down you CAN change the way you respond. Accepting her toxic behavior will not win her love - it will just make you feel 100,000 times worse.

So much of your energy is spent dealing with your feelings of worthlessness, anger, rage and sadness related to your mother. How many hours, days, weeks and months have you wasted on thinking and worrying about something that you'll never have (your mother's love)?

Imagine how much better you would feel and how much more space you would have in your head, how much more time you'd have to think abut your husband, your children and your life, if you got her out of your head?

So do something about it. Artlady has suggested counselling, Jake has suggested boundaries - take it one small step at a time and start empowering yourself.

Set an example for your family and children by stepping out of this dark shadow you allow your mother to cast over your life and your psyche.

You're right. You're 40 and it is NEVER too late.