[Larken85]

My fiancé and I haven't had sex since... July. That's what 8 months? Regardless its been too long. I am the guy fyi. She is totally scared to make love to me because the last time she did I gave her MRSA (super staff infection) when I didn't know I had picked it up in the workplace myself. She got treated and got rid of it and I took me forever to get rid of it. Actually it had been months dealing with the crap. Finally about two months ago I got a totally clean bill of health from the doctor and I told her. She seems to not want to try and have sex. She is still very scared and I can't seem to get her over that. FYI since we had sex last she has had a hystorectomy but swears that that is not why. She swears that its about the MRSA. I don't know what more she wants from me than a doctor to say sex is OK but I'm so stressed out about it. I take my shirt off and run my body on her, I kiss her neck, whisper in her ear, kiss her all the time, and just blatently show her how much I want her. And yes, I have blatently said "lets make love" to which she replied "It's too late and I got to drive the kids to school in the morning..." I don't know what to do anymore and its been weeks since I even had the desire to self stimulate. I just want her so much and I am really starting to feel like I sicken her to look at. (she says that's not it too) but how should I feel? I feel like I'm gross, fat, ulgy, flabby, and just totally unattractive. I am losing my sex drive as we speak. And I am even losing a lot of weight. (was 185 lots of muscle now 164 almost only muscle.) I though being skinny might make her want me again but nothing I do is working. I am about to start begging her and crying. I sound so pathetic... sorry. I need help though. What can I do? We used to make love two to three times a night. I feel so lonely

[kp2171]

couple of ways I've approached situations like this... one is to write and another is to read and share...

I think writing out how you feel can give you some control... unlike a discussion where emotions can take over and derail you (at least that's what often happens to me when I'm really bothered)... granted... even with writing I usually end up editing, revising, rewriting... which sometimes I think isn't good... sometimes the raw, unpolished truth is really what needs to be said... but it's a way to put it out there... to give her time to think and reply and respond... without it being so confrontational...

same thing with reading. When my partner and I were struggling to connect (and sexually was one of the ways) we both read The Five Love Languages by Chapman. Basically talks about how couples show commitment to each other through five main paths... gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service.

it helped us in a few ways. First, I saw that I placed very high value on physical touch and words of affirmation... I needed intimacy (and that's so much more than sex, tho' that isn't bad either, man) and I needed her to speak kindly and thoughtfully toward me. Also, the ways in which I often acted toward her were different... again, physical touch, but also acts of service... I liked to do things, fix things, take care of things.

now... physical touch was much lower on her list... she placed quality time way up there. So while I was running around the house trying to get things done, she just wanted me to be still, next to her. We both wanted to connect, but we were "speaking" different love languages... and we kept thinking the other was simply neglecting us.

obviously the idea is that you strengthen every area of your relationship... so its like a table with more legs... when one gets knocked out of place, the others keep it leveled. Easier said than done, I know... but that's the idea.

and reading that book was useful... it allowed up to talk about the book (even tho' we were really talking about each other)... allowed us to mark sections that hit home, allowed us to see what parts were important to the other.

it didn't fix everything... honestly, there were much bigger issues hiding that I didn't know about and she didn't let on... but it did help us bridge a gap, and I've done that several times before and since... using a book that is read and shared to address issues or ideas that might be tough to do face to face.

sex isn't all there is to a good relationship, but her refusing to talk to you about her fears... and not seeing that she does need to be willing to work to find middle ground, isn't OK.

you aren't complaining about a lack of orgasm. It's the lack of the chase. Feeling wanted. And that sucks. Man, does that suck. I've been in that parade before.

two other things... obviously some might mention counseling as a way to get those bridges mended. Some are open to this and some aren't. I can't make that decision for you. I've used a counselor a few times when in a rough spot and while I HATED walking in to the appointment, I felt better walking out. There's something cathartic about talking to a stranger in a safe setting...

also... journaling can help. I don't do it often or all the time. That feels like "dear diary" to me. But when there are big battles in front of me, sometimes writing my feelings out myself to myself helps me understand where I'm at... and most of the time I eventually tear out and get rid of it... just another tool that's helped me get from A to B now and then.

she clearly has a big mental block. There's fear of getting sick again... and her mothering instincts might be at play... where the ability to protect her kids is dominating, even if its irrational.

how is her health otherwise? Does she, or did she, exercise at all? How has her sleep been?

when issues with libido hit people hard, two of the best areas to "attack" are mental blocks and physical fitness, with exercise commonly breaking down some of that wall... it balances us physically and mentally, boosts our self esteem, and can reconnect you to your partner if you both find a way to workout together.

also, I think hormone levels (in both men and women) are very often overlooked. A man who is doing everything right in his life, but has naturally low testosterone levels, will have decreased performance and drive. Same for a woman... as testosterone is not a "male" hormone... and with the hysterectomy, it is very, very possible that changes in her hormones play strongly into where her mental state is. She might not think that it does... but we really don't intellectualize how our homones affect us. Some women who have had severe drops in drive have found hormone supplements to really make a change. Not only can they affect sex drive, but they can affect depression...

sorry you're in this place. Might be a while before you are out of it. She has some very real reasons to be where she is... but she doesn't get to ignore that where you are as a couple isn't balanced and isn't sustainable.

[Larken85]

Her health is fine otherwise, she doesn't sleep all that well and her medication all has lack of sexual drive as a side effect. I know she could just be tired and stressed but 8 months? I'm missing my physical emotional connection to her more than anything and its so hard to deal with. Every time I look at her I want to beg her but its just never a good time for it. I spent the night the other night and I couldn't sleep cause she just doesn't in any way want to even touch me. I have tried everything I can think of and all that is left is to sit her down and have a long conversation about my needs in the relationship. I understand that she has her needs but that doesn't mean that mine get to be ignored right?

Maybe I will try writing to her about how I feel so yeah maybe you're right. She probably won't go to a counselling session with me. And the reading suggestion would be a good idea but I read way too slowly for her.

[Larken85]

ADDITION


I suggested we have sex today since she is not going to be busy after the kids get to school and she gets back home, yet all she wants to do is sleep today. I'm not even going to go over there to try. I just get so depressed over rejection.

[Larken85]

OK I blatently asked her what was going on. She said its nothing that is wrong with me but that she has been so stressed out as of late that it is just the furthest thing from her mind. I know that she has been stressed and tired, I accept that. She said we can start making love again and that she doesn't want me feeling like I am not attractive. And before she got off the phone she said "I love you baby" in a very effectioniat voice. Today she is especially tired cause the people upstairs were fighting all night I guess. I feel bad for her so I will stay away at least until later tonight. I'll let ya'l know if it starts happening for me or if things just keep going south.

[J_9]

ok I blatently asked her what was going on. She said its nothing that is wrong with me but that she has been so stressed out as of late that it is just the furthest thing from her mind. I know that she has been stressed and tired, I accept that. She said we can start making love again and that she doesn't want me feeling like I am not attractive. And before she got off the phone she said "I love you baby" in a very effectioniat voice. Today she is especially tired cause the ppl upstairs were fighting all night I guess. I feel bad for her so I will stay away at least until later tonight. I'll let ya'l know if it starts happenin for me or if things just keep going south.

Okay, to me anyway, this paints another picture. I did not realize you two did not live together. It is quite possible that there are stressors in her life that you are not fully aware of. That doesn't make either of you bad people, or less important to each other, but sometimes we just don't communicate everything that is going on in our lives.

Apparently she is a single parent raising her children without the assistance of a significant other under the same roof. That's stressful in and of itself.

Secondly, the hysterectomy. You see, this is a very sensitive issue to many women. Once the uterus and/or ovaries are taken away, not only is there the issue of hormonal imbalances, but also a loss, so to speak, of her "womanhood." She can't get pregnant anymore. Even if she did not want to have another child, this still creates a mental block in some women.

I'll give you an example. When I had my mastectomy my husband and I did not get "intimate" for almost a year. It wasn't because I didn't love him, or find him attractive, but you see, it was because of the way I felt about myself. The stigma of losing something that identified me as a woman. This happens with women who have hysterectomies as well.

What we learned through this was that intimacy comes in different forms. Looks, touches, words... We now work different shifts. He works during the day, and I work nights. We RARELY have any time for each other without the children around. We have learned that while sex is important, we can satisfy each other in different non-sexual ways and still feel satisfied.

[Synnen]

I personally think the hysterectomy has a HUGE part in this, even if it has nothing to do with her hormonal levels.

Let's put it this way: Even if your hormonal levels were off, would you really feel like having sex if your testicles were removed?

[kp2171]

I agree with J9's and synn's posts.

First... thrilled you were able to talk to her about this. You didn't get the answer you wanted, perhaps, but you did get a real answer, and one that is quite revealing.

So she's had a lack of quality sleep and is stressed and has meds that interfere with libido. All of that on top of the hysterectomy and on top of the health scare.

I hold the position that you shouldn't just have to push your wants to the side and "just deal with it" long term... not discussing what is going on isn't healthy. If she "owes" you anything, its an open discussion. Easier said than done, sometimes. There have been times when I didn't have half a clue to what was driving me or what I thought was the problem was really not the core issue. And I've approached more than one "open discussion" with a defensive posture.

So... you feel neglected and I think you have been, in some ways...

And, true to my form of walking both sides of the fence, I also think she has a huge laundry list of "good reasons" to have such a low drive. She has needs that aren't being met. This doesn't mean you are at fault... but her life isn't balanced either, right now.

Any ONE of the things mentioned can squash one's drive. A lack of quality sleep can be huge. This alone can push someone into idle. Same with the meds. Absolutely with medications. Absolutely with stress. Absolutely with the health issues.

I have some very personal reasons for having empathy with your situation. Without getting into my messy noise, I guess I'd just say this is the time to open up discussion and to try to see if that connection has enough common ground.

She deserves time to actively address some of these things... just ignoring them or not talking about them isn't good long term. You deserve the opportunity to talk about your needs without it being pointing fingers. You deserve to be heard.

I've been in that place, with a partner whose drive was in the dumps... and I've been in that place where you are almost manic... every moment when you have "free time" seems like an opportunity... that becomes yet another failed chance to connect. Had me climbing the walls... actually preceded a really ugly depression on my side... and I think I did a fairly decent job of keeping an open mind, trying to find the time best for her, compromising to try to find middle ground... its no fun being there.

But better to do this now than later. Sexual compatibility isn't all there is to a lasting, loving relationship and a desire for both people to find common ground shouldn't be discounted.

There are real life circumstances in the way here. But its easy to let a rut become a habit and a lifestyle. Been there, done that.

Anyway... glad you are both starting to talk about this. Long term, this is what is needed, no matter the outcome or answers.

[kp2171]

Just checked out some of your other threads...

There are a lot of stressors in this relationship and most of them can affect libido and drive.

Oftentimes problems in the bedroom are best explained by the issues outside the bedroom. Not saying the above advice is suddenly mute... but the issue with sexuality is just one part of a much bigger picture.

[Gemini54]

Geez Larken, sorry to hear about what's going on. I have to agree with the other posters tho' about the effects of a hysterectomy and stress.

One of the things that I've found in my relationship, is that if I get 'pestered' for sex, I just turn off completely. Even when I know it's been a while and we 'should' have sex, I find it quite difficult to have sex just to 'please' my husband. I know that he's horny, he loves me and I don't want to reject him - but sometimes I just can't do it because I feel under pressure. And if I give in, then we both wish I hadn't because it ain't very satisfying!

I can understand you wanting her to commit to sex, and trying to arrange for an afternoon of lovemaking - but I suspect that you'll find after 8 months of no sex that she just won't be able to turn it on the way you would like. (And maybe you won't either.)

Most women find it hard to just create desire if there is none there. Yea you're going out of your mind with loneliness and lust, but sometimes the switch is just turned to 'off'. Sorry, this is not very reassuring is it?

I know it's been 8 months, but perhaps this is not just about the sex - it sounds as if there have been any number of challenging things in your relationship. I'd suggest back off on the pestering (a bit), talk about how you feel without blaming and try to spend some time together - away somewhere without the kids. If the relationship is strong it will survive this and it won't kill you to not have sex.

Try not to take it personally - hard as that may be.

[Larken85]

I thank you all for the advice. It has opened my eyes to the situation a bit. I have considered her past operation as the main cause for some time and I know the other factors in her/our lives have been super stressing. There have been several times where I just don't want it either, but for me it always passes. I am much younger than her and my sex drive is in full swing. She is 36 and would normally be in her prime but she had the surgery and now her norm is not true anymore. I understand that and I am OK with that. But I asked her before and after the operation if it would stop us for making love and she said only during recovery. I felt that she had no clue what she was talking about and I was pretty sure it would be much longer than that, but I for one love sex and the connection I get to her from it. Yes a few perfectly placed I love you's or a compassionate stroke of the hand on my face or through my hair is nice, but I can't bring myself to masterbate and I need a release. I am just not turned on enough without an outside source to masterbate. Its in my mind I'm sure but I just can't over come the feeling that overwhelms me screaming in my mind "your a loser. Other men your age get sex 24-7 and you don't get it at all. Whats the point in doing this you are nasty and no one wants you!" Oh and "She hates when you do this!" She has said its OK since we aren't making love but for the first two thirds of our relationship she had gotten me to stop completely saying that it was dirty. I had no desire to do it as she was enough for me and I only wanted satisfaction from her, she had replaced all my sexual fantasies and worked her way into my imagination to the point that if I did masterbate it was her I saw. (this is not an abnoral fixation by the way, I just love her and find her EXTREMELY sexy).
I text her this morning asking her one simple question, (why haven't we made love. We're both healthy enough and I need to feel that connection to you) she called me and replied, "It's ok, we can start making love again. I've just been stressed, and tired. I'm sorry I haven't been reseptive of you." I said, "It's ok hunny, I just miss the connection and I love you so much. I don't want anyone or anything but you and I have tried everything to get your attention. Now I almost feel like you don't want to touch me at all, like you find me gross and unattractive." She replied, "No thats not it at all. I find you very attractive but its just everything thats been going on. I am in the middle of moving and we really haven't had much time together in the recient past. I'll start making more time for you and we can start making love again." A few minutes about she text me goodnight and said, "I want you to come over after noon tomorrow after the kids are in school. I love you goodnight"
Hopefully tomorrow something will happen but I am going to be open to her and make sure she knows its OK either way. She is worth waiting for.

[Larken85]

Finally happened. It was later so we got strait to business but omg was it ever great. Of course I spent time on her first but other than that it was strait to it. She loves me and she cares that I needed attention. She wasn't really in the mood but I think I helped un-stress her a bit. Plus a bought her some pearl earrings and she loved them. I made sure to get her some happy drinks too cause she is really stressed about having to take care of the kids by herself for once. It is a little more than she can handle. I am trying to help as much as possible but she is still keeping me at a distance from the kids. (think she is still scared that I'm going to leave. Told her I'm not going any where and that I am just going to wait for her no matter how long it takes but I don't know that she knows I'm telling the truth. Time will prove that to her.) Thanks for a the advice and all of that and I think things may finally be getting back to normal.