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wearyminded · Feb 24, 2010, 02:06 AM

I have just come out of a relationship about 6 months ago. The relationship ended on a mutual understanding concerning religion. However it is a first serious relationship, both for her and for me. But because of certain religious issues which also involves our families, we ended the relationship after 8 months, to avoid greater problems that may arise in the future. Since we both didn't cheat or do anything wrong, we decided to remain friends, because its not like we fought over anything. But now she keeps saying that she will never move on from now on, and every time I mention to her the realities of moving on in the future, she says that I am the most cruel person in the world, and starts saying lots of hurtfull things to me. Even though its already been 6 months, and we are just friends now, she still expects me to do some things that only a boyfriend would do for his girl, and no matter how much I try and make sense of moving on in the future, she refuses to listen, and often gets depressed. What do I do?

amicon · Feb 24, 2010, 02:33 AM

Any kind of friendship is not a good idea right now.

Too much emotional residue and lingering issues.

You should go no contact,read the stickies at the top of the relationship page, and move on.

You are not responsible for her wellbeing,she has to take care of herself now and get on with her own life.

racquel58 · Feb 24, 2010, 02:46 AM

I strongly agree with amicon. Even though you feel bad and you want to help her, a friendship from you won't help. I know it's hard! But as Amicon said, you're not responsible for her wellbeing. That can be so hard for some people to get their head around (including me!).

Also, if you are concerned for her wellbeing, understand that contact with you is only going to prolongue things and make them much harder. In my experience it only leads to them thinking there is still a chance (no matter how much you tell them) and then eventually it all blows up in both of your faces after months, even years of wasted heartache and head space.

Good luck!

Romefalls19 · Feb 24, 2010, 06:20 AM

Even if it didn't end badly, a friendship right now simply will not work. You both need time apart to heal emotional wounds, she obviously isn't prepared or ready for this

dynocompe · Feb 24, 2010, 06:34 AM

I would put religion aside and just be with each other. Love isn't religious, work it out

Devorameira · Feb 24, 2010, 08:29 AM

To me, maintaining a close "friendship" with someone you formerly loved and had sex with is not going to do anything positive for a new relationship. Having her hanging around, calling, texting, and trying to see you will just make any new girlfirends feel insecure, unhappy, unloved and jealous. Why ruin what could be the relationship of your dreams by hanging around with and talking to someone you already know is not right for you?

If there’s no chance of you two getting back together, then you need to get a new friend – one you haven’t slept with! It’s best to cut all ties and move on. It’s up to you to break it completely off. Don’t call each other, don’t try to have lunch, don’t try to see how the other’s life is since you broke up, and don’t invite her over to "talk" and hang out as you used to do in the past.

Clear the path to your mind, heart and spirit by eliminating all ties to her. You can't live in both the past and the present at the same time. Old loves belong in the past and need to stay there.

wearyminded · Feb 24, 2010, 11:39 AM

To amicon and racquel: I think I get what you mean... its going to be hard though, because I always thought that with a mature understanding anything is possible.

To dynocompe: I'm not asking you about your views on religion. People who are religious feel that religion is very much about love. Of course people who don't understand their own religion properly, misuse it for their own selfish needs.

To devorameira: I feel that even though we are not together, she still played an important part in my life. There are no grudges. I know what you mean about the future, but now its about helping her to move on, not me. And how do I tell her that I don't even want to be friends now, without hurting her feelings?

amicon · Feb 24, 2010, 11:58 AM

I understand what you're saying,but how long is the'helping out' situation going to last?

It's about you moving on as well,as the breakup surely must hurt you too.

talaniman · Feb 24, 2010, 01:20 PM

how do you help your ex to move on?

By leaving her alone, and letting her cope with her feelings on her own, with no help from you.

Break ups are going to hurt no matter what you do, so you're not helping her at all by being friends, you're making it worse.

Devorameira · Feb 24, 2010, 05:51 PM

I understand that you think you're doing right by remaining as her friend. I know you really care about her and don't want to hurt her, but by remaining close friends with her you are actually hurting her worse than ever. By staying "friends" she may never be able to heal and move on. You've got to let her go and leave her alone if you want to help her!