[David057]

Threads merged

OK here is my story...

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We were amazing together (truly). I have always been a bit jealous and controlling with her and told her I would change etc. We went on a break for about two weeks in September, got back and everything was great. In November her best friend from childhood died. She was devastated. I was there for her and she knew that, but as it went on she became more distant with me. She said she wanted a tattoo with the guys initials to which I told her I would break up with her if she did so. So we went on a break two weeks ago, because she said she needed space and to think about herself right now. That weekend she went to a memorial for her friend and kissed his old roommate. Normally I would have flipped out, but grief is a funny thing. I know they didn't do anything more, but she slept in his bed and she initially lied to me about it. I am honestly willing to look past it for the bigger picture.
Now since last Tuesday I have not contacted her, but I have begun seeing a therapist to work on my issues of control and jealousy. I told her on Tuesday I would respect her space and I will be waiting for her while bettering myself. She told me she didn't ask me to do that, I replied this is what I want to do.. She thanked me.
Ever since last Tuesday she has found a way to text me almost daily. Including Friday night at 2:30 calling me 3x. Lastnight finally just IM'ing me to say hello.
So lastnight I text her saying that I was very confused because she wanted her space and I was giving it to her and although I LOVE to hear from her, she needs to make things more clear and not mess with my head. And that WHEN SHE IS READY I had some things to say to her.. She called me within 2 minutes and I told her how my eyes were opened up to how I would react to things and how it was the wrong way etc. Basically everything I spoke to my therapist about and my eyes truly were opened.
She was crying on the phone and thanked me.

Now please somebody although this was extremely long and winded, please help me decipher what this all means! I truly miss the hell out of her and love her to no end. What do I do??

[redhed35]

I'm on the fence with this one.

Its good that your seeking help with your control issues,it's a good path to be on.

A break in a relationship is nearly always a break up,with one person having other motives for asking for it,but there are exceptions.

If your not sure you want a relationship,don't go there,a relationship needs more then love to survive and be healthy.

If both of you are willing to sit down and have an honest discussion on where your are both at and where you both want to be,I think at the end of that conversation your relationship status will be clearer.

In saying that,be sure not to leave still not knowing where you both stand.

[David057]

Before anyone else answers.. She says she still loves me and still sees us being together, but this literally has been the hardest week of my life. Everything I do I want to pick up the phone and call her, yet I cannot. I am honestly so lost.

[amicon]

I'm on that fence as well,and that rarely happens.

You do need to talk as in seriously discussing if the two of you can find common goals in a future relationship.
Talk with and listen to each other-take your time to do this and see how it goes.

In addition,good luck working on your issues,that will surely benefit you,whatever happens with your relationship.

[redhed35]

To make a clear decision you need a clear head.

There's no sense in rushing in when your not sure yourself,take a few more days and then reasess the situation.

There's always option B... walk away.

[neverme]

I'm not really on the fence, welll...

The thing is I think what you are doing is great, even if you never get back together with this girl it is still a great thing to do for yourself. Moreover, you are doing it for yourself and not her so the benefits of the therapy will be applicable regardless of situation.

I think that taking a break can be good for a relationship and exactly what is needed to breath life back into two people and remind them of what they found attractive in the other. Unfortunately though, this is in rare cases. It normally is a nice road to dumpsville.

As far as with you two, it seems that a break might be a good thing and you are taking it very well and I admire your maturity in dealing with it. She needs to see that she either needs to do something productive with the break, complete whatever tasks she feels she needs to do alone and then come back to the relationship or call it what it is.

With all the calling and texting and stuff it seems to me that she wants the support of the relationship without the responsibility. Well you can't do that for yourself, either it's a break or its not. There is a difference between being supportive and being a doormat.

Best of Luck.

[talaniman]

Your handling your issues in a positive way, and that's a very good thing. But the problem I see is your imposing your own distance on her because she says she wanted a break, but stays in contact.

That has to be ironed out thru communications.

That's when you have to meet half way, and both of you decide how to proceed, break or work together.

You both are dealing with personal issues, and can support each other only through honest expressions of your feelings for each other, and your future.

That's how communicating works, and allows you to work together through this difficult time.

Good Luck.

That's my advice, talk, and listen.

[David057]

I just don't know how to handle this all. To be honest I don't know if she has found someone else and is confused about that, or if she is really just fed up with my jealousy and control issues coupled with her bestfriends death.

Why is she contacting me still? And did I do the right thing by telling her I was confused and its not really fair?

People are saying to make her miss me.. Is this a good way to go about?

Her and I always spoke about being together and how we can't wait to get married.. I just can't believe this happened..

[redhed35]

Mind games are never good,won't work, don't even try.

I've jumped off the fence,and going by your posts it would seem to me that you are on the cusp of ending this relationship.

Relationship change and grow,either a couple grow together or they grow apart,sounds like you two are going in different directions.

You need to talk to her and either find away through this as tali stated or move on,staying in this limbo will achieve nothing.

[neverme]

I had to spread the rep Red but mind games are always a bad, in fact a terrible idea!

David, you were right to tell her that it is not fair and confusing for you because it is.

Sit down with her and ask her what she wants. Either you two are trying to work through this or your not. If she wants space, well take it then! She doesn't have the right to emotional support at the cost of your own mental and emotional health.

[talaniman]

For sure, doing nothing and going with her flow will lead to continued confusion. Be aware that allowing her to call you may land you in the friend zone until she is ready to leave for something better.

That's why you nip it all in the bud by putting it all on the table so you can make a decision as to what you need to do.

If you don't know what you want, people can tell you what you should do, that works for them, and not you.

[David057]

OK I had another appt with my therapist yesterday afternoon and sheh suggested I call her and give a tentative date where we would meet up and discuss things. This way, she will have her space, and I will keep my sanity knowing there is a date down the line to work towards.
When I spoke to her, she first said, well what do we need to talk about? Isn't that what we did tonight and lastnight? So I responded with, well at that point we can speak about either the finality of our relationship or whether we are going to rekindle things and work towards it. She agreed tentatively, but didn't want to make set in stone plans this far in advance. She didn't know how she would be feeling at that point. But hey, I will take it. I am now OK because I have a visual goal set it my head and now she has it in the back of her mind as well. She can have the space she desires without me feeling the need to keep in contact every waking hour. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Or did I do the right thing here?

[talaniman]

Its always a big red flag when a partner wants a break, but always wants you available to them. That's usually a transition from romance, to the friend zone.

Even worse, until they have something to do better than you, they make sure you are available for emotional support, and entertainment, but not a commitment to romance. They don't want you to move on at all, from them.

That's why when they bring up the break thing, instead of being heart broken, find out exactly what they mean, and define the terms to keep yourself from being confused.

Taking a break without honest expression of feelings, and well deserved explanations, is no substitute for working thru problems in a positive way, and does neither partner any good.

Talaniman Rule- When the ask for space/break, give it to them and disappear from their lives.

Talaniman rule-A break is a break up, and a clear signal to be unavailable, and doing your own thing

Only then after making a very decisive decision for yourself based on facts, and not just feelings, do you eliminate any drama, and confusion, and unfair mind games.

[David057]

Threads merged for the whole story in ONE place. Much easier to follow that way!


Click on "My Questions" and you will see all the questions you've asked.

HI, I posted almost a month ago with my story, if you did not see it, here is a brief rundown.
My girlfriend said she needed space and time for herself. Her best friend passed away and she kissed another guy at the memorial, swears to me it meant nothing and was because of all the emotions etc. I have moved passed that. So when she said she needed space, I have not contacted her, I have been going to therapy for my control/jealousy issue and I feel have made great strides.
She wast contacting me almost daily and I told her that she asked for space and that is what she is getting to please not contact me. She was asking all the things I would do for her when we were together, help with homework etc. So I asked four weeks ago if we could set a date for dinner to speak about where we were headed. Well, that date is Saturday.
She calls me when she is coming home from a bar telling she loves me, misses me, and she sees us together, but not for months. I told her on the phone on Friday that come this Saturday if she says no to getting back, then that is the end-all of our relationship as hard as it is for me to do, she will be out of my life completely. To which she responds, how can you predict the future, while crying. I told her to think long and hard about it. Sure enough that night I got a call at 3 am saying that she needs me in her life and can't fathom it without me. But it is so hot and cold. She is sometimes angry for no reason whatsoever.
I truly know this girl is the one I would love to marry, she says the same thing. But I can't sit around waiting much longer, I know she isn't with any other guys, but I just can't wait.
I am wondering how to approach the subject without causing confrontation at the dinner. I am also wondering if anyone has any outlook of the chances of us getting back together, which is what I want ultimately. Thanks so much for reading this.

[kctiger]

I don't know that anyone can predict the chances of you two getting back together. I always believe in actions more than words. Someone can tell me they love me and want to be with me until they're blue in the face... but if they're not really with me then... you get the picture?

Feel this dinner out and explain it in no uncertain terms. She cannot continue to string you along. Either you are together or you aren't, there is no middle ground. Good luck and let us know how it turns out. To be honest I'm not sure she really knows what she wants, and until she finds something she does want, she will continue to drag you through the mud.

[mistyjane]

To me it is simple you love a person then why wouldn't you want to be with this person?In a relationship with the person?
My ex used to act like that: I love you so much but I don't want to be in a relationship with you no more.
If she loves you she will be happy to get you back.
Action speak louder than words!
Good luck!

[talaniman]

Maybe dinner is not the time, or place, to discuss your futures.

Somewhere quiet, and private, for what promises to be a very emotion filled time. Certainly not a dating/romantic setting.

To be honest, I make it a point to stay away from people would make me an option in their lives.

Like KC says, your either with me or not, but no in between ever. I tend to disappear from any one who thinks otherwise and I would have been gone and ignoring her a while ago.

I just don't understand why you would want, or trust, someone that has done what she has done, or said what she has said to you.

There just ain't that much love in the world, let alone my own heart!!

[David057]

Well we are grabbing dinner and then going back to a quiet place to speak over a bottle of wine.

[David057]

So I wrote on here at the end of January regarding my relationship and how to go about it. I must say that everyone who responded was spot on. She wanted a 'break' but she wanted to be with me blah blah... We have been broken up since the end of January, were speaking for a bit up until March then I decided that this could not go on and we broke off all contact. There has been the occasional email requesting certain items be returned since then, but nothing more then that.

To refresh, we went on a break and the next week she hooked up with another guy, she has been hooking up with him for approximetely 3-4 months now on and off. I received a text from her 2 weekends ago at 2:30 in the morning stating,
"I just saw your twin out, I thought it was you, I got excited and scared at the same time"
Now clearly she meant someone who looks like me as I don't have a twin. I also didn't have her number anymore so I didn't know who it was. The next day when questioned she apologized and said she didn't remember sending it because she was drunk.. etc..

So this past Saturday I received another one saying that she was home for a few weeks and was wondering if I wanted to grab coffee. She doesn't like all the negativity between us.

I told her I would mull it over, but I don't know what she expects, she broke my heart, of course there is going to be negativity.

The real question I am asking is, what is the real reason she wants to get coffee now? Does she want to get back together? Does she really just want there to be less negativity and that is all? Please someone help me out here! I am in a tailspin yet again.

[Devorameira]

You've gotten this far, so don't allow her to upset you again. I think you realize that you can't be friends with her, so no contact is the only way you can go.

She's just wanting to hang on to you by a thread in case her single life doesn't result in her finding someone else.

She's seeing other people, and so should you.