[RobinBoston]

OK UPDATE - PLEASE READ the message below and provide some feedback.

My ex was very close with my older sister and with my whole family in general. I mean really close. But They stopped talking completely about a month ago shortly after we broke up. Today after trying to text and call ME, my ex sent a Facebook message to my SISTER. The message is below. My sister will clearly ignore her and I told her to delete her as a friend (she didn't even realize they were still friends) - Please tell me what you think of this.

"
Hi
I wanted to give you guys some time/space because from messaging you a few weeks ago I knew you certainly did not want to be mean because you aren't like that. However, the point was well made that you had a wall up against me.
I want you to understand fully that there are always 2 sides - I know in your case there really was only one side that you had access to and so that was very painful to you. However, there are close to a million great things about your brother, but from a relationship standpoint there are of course amazing things about him, his stability, trustworthiness, a whole lot of amazing things. However, there are many things you never know about a person unless you are dating them. I was with the least appreciative person I had ever dated and on top of that, he is emotionally unavailable.
Since I felt the emptiness for so so long, I thought if we took a break it would help us - he soon decided we should totally break it off because it was difficult I guess for him to take advantage of a break or see its advantages.
I know he is your brother and no matter who what where why how he is hurt. He is hurt. I have no idea how hurt he is because he won't talk to me. But there's no way I am OK either. And I am certainly not OK with how you guys probably feel about me and that became apparent when none of you wished me a happy birthday.
I thought giving you guys a little space/time to cool off and have ahim be back towards his old self would help and from txting with you I decided that could be a good idea.
Your thoughts would be appreciated. I think about you guys all the time


- is she just psycho. FYI, this is not affecting my NC at all - I know it doesn't even matter BUT it is just pretty amusing how ridiculous she got after her birthday ignoring and I would like your take on this.

Thanks

[vanheart]

Yup, a psycho.

More proof. Let her continue to waste her time. Fishing for love in all the wrong places. BooHooo...

Actually be glad this is happening. Shows you exactly what's she's about.

Good that your family is on the same NC page.

Ewww.. Brings back memories of my selfish, psycho ex.

[unsurenow]

I'm really beginning to think that there's obviously some type of misunderstanding.Lack of communication to put it mildly.She seems to believe one thing and you another.That right there shows something's weren't clear apparently. I don't think she is a pyscho.I just think u 2 are on different pages.

It is sad to see two people who were aparently in love go down this path.. needs weren't being met and somehow hard to communicate exactly what that meant to either party.This relationship in my opinion isn't so aweful that it could never work,its just a matter of misunderstanding each other, and although you have many opinions here, do you reallhy know WHY its over? She wanted a break, she didn't want to break up you did, since it wasn't what you wanted(a break) maybe you can have a heart to heart with no one else around.She obviously loves you or she wouldn't bother explaining squat to anyone, she is trying to reach out.. the birthday thing was her eye opener, not the real issue. Think about it, my opinion though.

[vanheart]

Her actions are what counts. Read the thread.

Planning, dumping and asking for attention after.

Get real. Communication time is way over.

Plus her break means she's with someone. That's usually a nice way of saying its over. (while I explore my options)

The only thing she's reaching out for is to verify what she did was "ok" with everyone.


She's starting to feel guilty and the implications that came with her plan.

She doesn't want to feel that. Nor did she expect to.

Now its coming into reality with the whole birthday thing.

I guess who ever loves her on her birthday isn't enough...

[RobinBoston]

Unsurenow - a little while ago I think I would agree with what you said. But now I agree more with "vanhearts" opinion.

The reason is that I think she had already moved on and was out of love with my by the time the break happened. I do agree she had needs that we not met, but I am not sure her expectations were realistic, and even if they were maybe I couldn't meet them.

I do think the break was a cop out for break up without actually using those words. A heart to heart will do nothing, I put my heart on the line already and she said she wanted to be friends. That's why I ended it officially and went NC.

I believe this message to my sister is her grasping at straws to keep in contact. I do think she loved being around me and having me in her life, as well as the comfort of my family. I think she did not realize she would lose all of this by ending our relationship. She probably believed that we would remain a part of her life and now is realizing the truth.

What you think?

[vanheart]

I couldn't have said it nicer.

Exs want those things whether they are a psycho or not. Hehehe..

It's a win-win for them. They get the best of both worlds.
Sometimes when people make a decision like this, foe whatever reason,
They really don't realize the true things they lose. That's why NC is so crucial.

Reality. Realized.

Boston, you got it going on...

[talaniman]

She wasted no time did she? But what do you expect walking away from her, and forgetting her birthday? You Cad!

Now wipe that silly grin off your face, just because you were right all along to disappear from her life, is no reason to gloat!

Or is it!!

[RobinBoston]

Talaniman - Sorry, I don't really understand your last response. What did you think of her message to my sister? And what did you mean by your reply to me

[unsurenow]

OK Robin,
I guess you are the only one here that knows how it all went down, no one else was there.but I don't agree all "breaks" are code for break up.. not true some people just need time to re evaluate things.

[talaniman]

Quote by T-man, (#120 on this thread)
Keep NC, as next she will be really PO'd that you're unavailable for any further misery from her.

She is mad and now retaliating on you and your sister. I guess your supposed to take her side against each other.

The rest is sarcasm, and my own humor, and I think you have been shown what a great choice you made to go NC!

Come on guy, loosen up a little. She is PO'd, they always get that way when things don't work out the way they planned.

You forgot to grovel at her feet and accept crumbs for her amusement. Be interested in your sisters take on this one.

[vanheart]

Yup that's just what he's doing.

Re-evaluating.

Hell, I have some good friends that got back together after 15 years.

Just like a movie.

[RobinBoston]

HAHA thanks Tal - I thought it was written sarcastically, just making sure.

Anyway, my sister is obviously on my side and knows the whole story and remained good support for me. She has ignored my ex as well and will ignore this message since I told her to. My sister thinks my ex acted horribly over the last month or so and thinks she was not fair to me, even if her needs weren't being met. The funny part is the 2 of them got along so well. It's pretty sad, but its true she is realizing she lost my whole family, who were great to her.

I can't believe my ex wrote that she didn't know how hurt I am and was confused why I am ignoring her. She doesn't know she broke my heart? As if talking to her would change anything?

So what do you guys think? Just continue NC as if this didn't happen and tell my sister to ignore the message as well. Do I ever actually answer her? I am so confused, emotionally overwhelmed and drained today.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, it's been a rough day obviously.

[vanheart]

Here's the thing.

Your perception was altered.

Our mates should be close to us & our family. Comes with the territory.

The reality is that she probably doesn't know what that means. Only what serves her.

Don't worry too hard if she knows that she broke your heart. I know, that's a tuffy. I still battle with that one sometimes.

The point is it doesn't matter. Like Tal said, she didn't waste any time.

Think of that as a good thing. I know it's a lot to let soak in with this unexpected contact from her, but just know its desperate attempts for her own peace of mind. Shortcomings from an unadjusted person.

You are not the only heart she will break from being this way.

You're on the road now. The road that avoids people like this.

[talaniman]

As far as I'm concerned, throw the text away and keep doing what you were doing. Why Not? What's left to say?

Put all of this behind you, and find something more worthy of your time and attention. This is history. So is the drama!

[vanheart]

Yup, haven't heard much about what cool stuff you are doing.

Im all caught up on her birthday. Good drama. Don't wait for the next drama, or perpetuate any.

Im blowing out the candles. I wish you the best.

[RobinBoston]

Haha - thanks VAN.

I know I know, this was all unexpected. But I guess it was only natural after the NC birthday. Well her birthday mess is over and its back to moving on and doing my own thing. I am clearly far from over her and this all brought up so many emotions. I do find it is easier to not answer her than it used to be though - which is a sign of improvement.

I will go back to NC and told my sister to do the same. She doesn't have any straws left to grasp out if my both my family and I are out of the picture. But we will see.

I will update again when I am feeling powerful and back in full NC mode. Though, I will have to post/vent if there are any more pathetic attempts from her. I like how she writes as if I WANTED THIS - haha so manipulative - she caused this, she made the bed so SHE HAS TO SLEEP IN IT - IM GONE :)

[vanheart]

After a while my ex stopped. Got the message and thank god.

Post away and vent, buddy. That's why were here.

Yup, a manipulator without people to manipulate. Must be maddening for those types.

Start here:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder at a Glance

[vanheart]

Never heard much about your ex's background or deal, but this may help you:

Some stuff on narcissists:

The interpersonal relationships of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are typically impaired due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply).

Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests").

Based on a survey of 1201 therapists and psychologists in clinical practice, Prof. Drew Westen of Emory University postulated the existence of three subtypes of narcissists:

1. High functioning or Exhibitionist: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, but is also articulate, energetic, outgoing, and achievement oriented." (The equivalent of the Cerebral narcissist).

2. Fragile: "(W)ants to feel important and privileged to ward off painful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness" (The equivalent of the Compensatory narcissist).

3. Grandiose or Malignant: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feels privileged, exploits others, and lusts after power." (The equivalent of the Classic narcissist).

Not sure about your ex, but I was with a full-blown one, I was an perfect enabler. Silly me.

[krim19]

Hey boston, you're the man for handling this situation like an ace. Forget that tramp(no offense),but that mindset does keep your guard up against the hurt. You kept up your end of the deal by being a committed and faithful boyfriend for two years. Girls in this generation tend to always want more. All of sudden she thinks her a$$ is made of gold, you know. And you seem to be a pretty successful guy. In retrospect, after searching for empty love in all the wrong places, she will come back to you. I mean she's with her boss who is married.. how long is that really going to last, haha. I'm going through the same things you are, a little different but generally the same thing. All I want to say is your posts and updates are really helping me cope with my situation as well, so keep them up. Good luck and keep up NC.

[RobinBoston]

Thanks Krim for the kind words - this has been so rough on me but I am pushing forward and struggling through every day. Let's get through these hard times together. I know she is bad news, but every hint of attention has me drooling like a little puppy HAHA - glad I can keep no contact though.

Van - last night I had a hard time falling asleep so I read your whole thread about your situation for the first time. Really eye-opening. How are you feeling about everything now- do you see that I am acting similar to how you did?

I see a lot of similarities between our ex's actions, but also many differences. Some of them were what I am going through now to a T. Made me realize I am doing the right thing. I am not sure if my ex fits exactly into the same personality category, but I DO know her current intentions are not good no matter what and no matter what once was - and she IS looking out for herself only now.

I also was thinking about her message to my sister last night some more and re-read it, though I shouldn't lol. The good thing is that the more I read it the more I realize she is just trying to validate everything for HERSELF. Everything in the letter is to make HER feel good, nothing to do with my feelings. She does not like that my whole family is mad at her and no longer a part of her life. Her plan did not work and now she is confused. She does not want me back, her feelings did not change, she is upset because SHE LOST CONTROL.

Well I am back to "normal" today and trying to forget this episode. My whole fam is back to NC and not talking about her for now. The best part is though I have been thinking about her and talking about her so much from the recent birthday drama, she does not know I was doing this. She actually does not now ANYTHING about me from the past 3 weeks of NC. Let her wonder.

It is crazy how I still miss her so much - just now I am smarter and have my head tell my heart to run away