[emotionallyhurt]

I have moved from india to US after I got married... I have recently joined a job at a reputed company... the work pressure is taking toll on me... me and my husband are in same profession... but whenever I ask any form of help be it in household course or in technically... he doesn't seem to be intrested... this behaviour is offending me badly... please help

[Wondergirl]

If you ask him for something, start by saying, "I need ...." (not "You should ....") and praise him with I-statements when he helps -- "I am so happy when you hang up your coat" (not a general "I'm happy," but be specific). Men like to help women solve problems in words and in deeds; men like to fix things. Remembering that may help you feel less emotional.

He is male and may be the "director" or "thinker" type rather than the "relater" or "socializer" type like you probably are. Read this (from http://www.alessandra.com/abouttony/aboutpr.asp):

Directors

Directors are driven by two governing needs: to control and achieve. Directors are goal-oriented go-getters who are most comfortable when they are in charge of people and situations. They want to accomplish many things-now-so they focus on no-nonsense approaches to bottom-line results.

Directors seek expedience and are not afraid to bend the rules. They figure it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. Directors accept challenges, take authority, and plunge head first into solving problems. They are fast-paced, task-oriented, and work quickly and impressively by themselves, which means they become annoyed with delays.

Directors are driven and dominating, which can make them stubborn, impatient, and insensitive to others. Directors are so focused that they forget to take the time to smell the roses.

Thinkers

Thinkers are analytical, persistent, systematic people who enjoy problem-solving. Thinkers are detail-oriented, which makes them more concerned with content than style. Thinkers are task-oriented people who enjoy perfecting processes and working toward tangible results. They're always in control of their emotions and may become uncomfortable around people who very out-going, e.g. Socializers.

Thinkers have high expectations of themselves and others, which can make them over-critical. Their tendency toward perfectionism-taken to an extreme-can cause "paralysis by over-analysis." Thinkers are slow and deliberate decision-makers. They do research, make comparisons, determine risks, calculate margins of error, and then take action. Thinkers become irritated by surprises and glitches, hence their cautious decision-making. Thinkers are also skeptical, so they like to see promises in writing.

Relaters

Relaters are warm and nurturing individuals. They are the most people-oriented of the four styles. Relaters are excellent listeners, devoted friends, and loyal employees. Their relaxed disposition makes them approachable and warm. They develop strong networks of people who are willing to be mutually supportive and reliable. Relaters are excellent team players.

Relaters are risk-aversive. In fact, Relaters may tolerate unpleasant environments rather than risk change. They like the status quo and become distressed when disruptions are severe. When faced with change, they think it through, plan, and accept it into their world. Relaters-more than the other types-strive to maintain personal composure, stability, and balance.

In the office, Relaters are courteous, friendly, and willing to share responsibilities. They are good planners, persistent workers, and good with follow-through.

Relaters go along with others even when they do not agree because they do not want to rock the boat.

Socializers

Socializers are friendly, enthusiastic "party-animals" who like to be where the action is. They thrive on the admiration, acknowledgment, and compliments that come with being in the lime-light.

The Socializer's primary strengths are enthusiasm, charm, persuasiveness, and warmth. They are idea-people and dreamers who excel at getting others excited about their vision. They are eternal optimists with an abundance of charisma. These qualities help them influence people and build alliances to accomplish their goals.

Socializers do have their weaknesses: impatience, an aversion to being alone, and a short attention span. Socializers are risk-takers who base many of their decisions on intuition, which is not inherently bad. Socializers are not inclined to verify information; they are more likely to assume someone else will do it.

[emotionallyhurt]

Thanks wonder girl... for such a quick reply... but I have explained my difficulties to him... but it does not seem to make sense to him... sometimes I feel like committing suicide... thoughts keeps on coming to me... so alone here in this country.. no friends... no closeones... keeps on offending me... saying you are short tempered it does not bother him even if I cry... everthing I like he never wants to do... if I feel like seeing movie he is not intrested... I wanted a short vacation... but he does not .I choose anything... any household stuff... say other day it was curtain... he doesn't like the color... nothing of my choice sometimes I feel I should commit suicide... but will to live seems no more to me

[Wondergirl]

thanks wonder girl...for such a quick reply .....but i have explained my difficulties to him......but it does not seem to make sense to him...sometimes i feel like committing suicide....thoughts keeps on coming to me...so alone here in this country..no friends ...no closeones....keeps on offending me ...saying you are short tempered it does not bother him even if i cry...everthing i like he never wants to do ...if i feel like seeing movie he is not intrested...i wanted a short vacation ....but he does not .i choose anything ...any household stuff...say other day it was curtain...he doesnt like the color .....nothing of my choice sometimes i feel i should commit suicide......but will to live seems no more to me

I have been married for nearly 43 years. I am the one who chooses the funrniture and the carpet and the colors. All he says is, "Yeah, okay." I am the one who used to grocery shop and cook (now he does because he is retired and has nothing to do all day). Don't waste your tears on these things. He is a man and is not interested in things that interest us women.

Now, let's figure out how you can make some women friends and have someone to chat with about all these things that do not interest your husband.

[Wondergirl]

i choose anything ...any household stuff...say other day it was curtain...he doesnt like the color .....nothing of my choice sometimes

Then give him choices -- choose two or three colors that you like and can live with and bring home samples to show him. Ask him which is the best. Always ask him to choose between only two or three of something (if he doesn't trust or like your choices) -- never more than that.

My husband used to like red, black, and white together, so when we bought our house, we painted one living room wall black, three walls white, and had a red and black shag carpet. I still have nightmares. (It's all in earthtones now -- MY choices.)

[Fr_Chuck]

You both need to set down with a marriage couselor and both learn how to communicate.

Also what culture and nationality is your husband ? Often culture on a mans role means a lot

[emotionallyhurt]

Thanks so much... I really don't know what to do... I am a career oriented girl... wants to have a good career... trust me I do everything I can... I clean house everday... wash clothes iron his and mine clothes... cook every single day twice I mean I give his lunch. And dinner of course... I wake up at 5:45 am I n morning make his and mine lunch... trust me indian food is not so easy to make... grocery... tea coffe as soon as I come then some snacks if he wants... but even if I ask sometimes like throwing garbage... he tries to find logic that until the second dustbin... is filled he won't.. I cook food.. so it smells so I go out and throw... sometimes when I am scantily dressed... I have to wear everything and then go out
For throwing garbage... is it such a big thing am I asking...
I normally do not ask help in house hold chores but sometimes in my studies... as he is in same profeession more experienced than me

[Wondergirl]

thanks so much ......i really dont know what to do....i am a career oriented girl.....wants to have a good career ....trust me i do everthing i can... i clean house everday ....wash clothes iron his and mine clothes......cook every single day twice i mean i give his lunch. and dinner of course...i wake up at 5:45 am i n morning make his and mine lunch...trust me indian food is not so easy to make....grocery .....tea coffe as soon as i come then some snacks if he wants....but even if i ask sometimes like throwing garbage ....he tries to find logic that until the second dustbin ...is filled he wont ..i cook food ..so it smells so i go out and throw...sometimes when i am scantily dressed ...i have to wear everything and then go out
for throwing garbage.....is it such a big thing am i asking....
i normally do not ask help in house hold chores but sometimes in my studies.....as he is in same profeession more experienced than me

Are the two of you Indian? (Will you make a batch of samosas and mail them to me?? --just kidding!) I work with several Indian women who have told me it took several years before they could "train" their husbands to help around the house. Be patient.