[loretofr]

My story is kind of complicated, I met my husband online on January 2007, we were both 18 years old, he from the USA, I'm from a south American country, Chile, he flew down there to meet me and we started a relationship, 6 months later we got married, we were madly in love and to the moment I know it was the right decision... we had to wait a little more than 2 years for me to get my visa and come here to the USA, in that time he went to Chile about 4 times for long periods, but we were still separated for months in between every trip.
Everything went OK, we did our waiting with a lot of sacrifices but finally I got to come here and start or married lives together. After 2 months I got here he confessed me he cheated on me once in the time he was here in the US and I was in Chile, the main issue is that my husband enjoys Annal Sex, and I absolutely don't agree with it, he said that it wouldn't be a problem to not have it but he still asked for it sometimes with me always giving the answer NO, but not counting that, our sex life was perfect. Turns out he was out at a party and this girl was practically throwing herself at him, they worked at the same place, and she's the kind of girl that actually likes annal sex so that was it for him.
When he told me this I was completely devastated, it felt that everything was broken, like the person I loved and the person that cheated on me were 2 different people... it was one of the most horrible experiences of my life... I felt after all the sacrifice we did to be together he threw it all away to get annal sex.
Eventually I forgave him he truly seemed to regret it and I really don't see any future that is not with him.
Time went by and things were not perfect but they were good, I had trust issues so I constantly checked his cellphone, his email, bank account... everything.
About a month ago we were at his parents house and they had visits, 2 girls, 15 and 13 years old, that day he was acting kind of weird, but nothing that seemed to make me worry too much. At night we were in bed and he was sleeping, and he got a text message, I went to see what it was and it was the 15 years old girl saying that she wasn't sure if she would be able to meet him later that night, I thought maybe she texted to the wrong person and I asked him about it, he said he assumed the same than me, so I asked him to text her back and ask her if she made a mistake, but he didn't want to, so that made me suspicious but I didn't really believed it was what I thought it could be, we went to sleep and I woke up at 3:30 am and he wasn't in bed, I went to the hallway and I see him outside in his car driving away, I called him and asked him what the hell he was doing, he said he was going to work, and then said he got confused with the hour (he had to be at work at 5 am, but is a 20 min drive, not 2 hours) and he came back, I tried to check his phone but he wouldn't let me, I took it away anyway and told him I would keep it and he would have to take my phone to work cause I thought something weird was going on, he said that he didn't want me to get hurt and he didn't want me to see the texts... I kept it anyway, he left to work and his cellphone receives another message from the same girl saying that what happened and if he was still coming, I called him and he admitted to me that he was on his way to see this little girl cause they had planned to have sex... I started crying and asked him what was wrong with him, I really couldn't believe it, it just didn't fit in my head, and he said "she was going to give me something that you don't"... it was so far the most devastating moment of my life, I called the little girl and she admitted it too, she got really sad when I told her that she had just destroyed my life and my marriage... he got off work early to come back and talk to me, I was a mess, I destroyed everything that had a picture of us, and I was ready to go back to my country, but is such a horrible feeling to think that everything you have planned out for your life that makes you so happy is suddenly destroyed and you can't do anything about it. I desperately wanted for him to say something that would make it all better, so he did and I accepted it, we went to his parent's house and talked the entire issue with his parents, he admitted everything and said that he doesn't understand what he was thinking, that he truly is in love with me and wants me with him for the rest of his life, that he felt horrible for hurting me and that he regrets horribly the mistake he was about to make (which by the way he didn't actually slept with her, but it hurts just as much).
He started going to a therapist to seek help for his issues and get closer to god so he doesn't make any more mistakes.
During the last month I've been an emotional wreck and he's been supportive about it most of the time, he understands it's his fault and I've been checking his cellphone, email and bank account finding absolutely nothing strange, he changed his cellphone number just in case so no one from the bad past can try and contact him and for me so I feel more peaceful. He promised that it won't be a problem to not have annal sex, cause is really something I'm not willing to negotiate at all. But I can't help to feel so bad with myself, I feel insecure and needy and is a really horrible feeling, I live with the constant fear of him cheating on me again for the same reason and is terrifying, I have nightmares about it constantly and wake up crying.

What should I do? I feel maybe I should go to a therapist myself to feel good about myself again, to not feel so insecure all the time and so full of fear, I feel so stupid sometimes to have forgiven him twice but I want this marriage to work, I'm in love with him and if it wasn't for this huge issue, he's an amazing husband, I feel like I can't put together the person that did this horrible damage to me and the person I'm in love with. Am I just fooling myself by staying and trying to believe he won't do it again?
What should I do to make sure he won't cheat on me again?

I really feel desperate and I hope you can help me, thank you.

[jaime90]

Trust is a hard thing to win back, after it is lost. Remember that since he is the cheater, the ball is in his court to gain back your trust, it is not your job to strive to trust him after all he's done to you.

Going to a counselor can help build yourself esteem. It helped for me, and there would be no harm in trying it. It also may be helpful to go to couple's counseling with your husband.

No matter what, there will always arise a temptation to cheat on your spouse. If you think you are immune to the temptation to cheat, you are naïve. You can avoid these situations by setting up healthy boundaries with you and your spouse. Resolve that you, and him, will never be alone in any place with a member of the opposite sex unless it is okayed with the other. Make a boundary that you will never have physical contact with a member of the opposite sex unless it is your spouse. Resolve that you will always let each other know where you are going, what you are doing, and check in every so often. These are just basic things you can do to avoid the tempation to cheat.

You can never be sure that he won't cheat again. Anyone can cheat, this is about trust. It is unrealistic to believe that he will never do it again, because let's be honest- you don't know that for sure. This is about him proving something to you. You should not be the one trying to fix things when you were not the one to wreck them. Allow him to initiate a gain of trust, don't try to pull it out of him. Trying to control him is unhealthy.

I hope this helped. Best of luck and every happieness to the both of you.

[Jake2008]

Lore, this is far more than an issue about sex. He was about to have sex with a 15 year old! He's preying on underage CHILDREN, and had that been my daughter, I would have had him arrested.

He cheated on you between visits, before you finally came to the US. That 24 month period you said he had long, extended visits with you. Time and distance was not relevant, and yet he had slept with another woman, and most likely more.

You did not know this man when you married him after only six months. What you know now, or are learning, is merely the tip of the iceberg in my opinion.

I think it would do you good to return home for breather from this man. If it were me, I would doubt his character, and that would be enough for me to annul the marriage after what he's done, particularly with the 15 year old.

[jmjoseph]

He is a cheater. He is even a potential child molester. Yes, it is illegal for him to be having sex with a minor.

He is blaming YOU, and your lack of interest in anal sex as his excuse to cheat. Do not accept the responsibility of his infidelty.

If you keep forgiving him, he will do it time and time again.

He admitted cheating to you probably as a way to get you to do anal "sexploration".

He should not be trusted.

You should not be having to investigate him just to ensure that he is faithful. Life is simply too short for you to be having to do that.

He is a liar and a cheat. He is not the "wonderful" man that you thought he was.

Is wish you the best of luck.

[Gemini54]

I am so sorry for what you've gone through and the destruction of your hopes and dreams.

What you have described is - I have to say - predatory. He's having sex with a 15 year old. This is actually illegal - but he's blaming you for it, because you won't give him anal sex. He's lied and cheated and having sex with a 15 year old - in fact, he was driving away in the night to have sex with her. What sort of man is this?

Not marriage material I would suggest. I could not forgive or trust again if my husband did this. He has just gone too far. To stay is to condone such awful (in fact, immoral) behavior.

I can understand that you're shocked, devastated and hurt. However, there is no joy or happiness to be had with this man. You will FOREVER be wondering about this man. I don't think that there is any coming back to trust from this.

I'd be going back to the comfort of my family and friends in Chile. I hope that in time, you'll see that you had a lucky escape.