[basiaf27]

After my recent relationship problems, I made attempts to make myself feel better and found this good article online. I can truly say that 99% of these points exactly describe my situation that I was going through. Maybe it will help you too to realise you might be in a toxic relationship. Any other ideas would be appreciated.

"Carver warns of the need to identify not just losers but "controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals".

By his reckoning, it's imperative we decipher whether or not we're dating a loser as early as possible as these types will inevitably "create damage to you".

What are Carver's telltale signs?

* Rough Treatment: Physical violence from either men or women. "EVEN ONCE, drop them," he advises.

* Quick Attachment: If they tell you way too quickly that they love and want to marry you, warning bells should start to ring. "You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!" warns Dr. Carver. "Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks."

* Temper: Blowing up over little things is another form of gaining control. "Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction."

* Kills your self-confidence: The Loser will often put you down, strip you of self-confidence, make you feel unworthy and attempt to have you rely on them for everything so you become wholly dependent on them

* Cuts off your support: Pushes you to rid yourself of your friends, family members that you're close too, and again, makes you wholly rely on them so that they can further control you.

* Paranoid Control: They'll track your every move, bombard you with texts and constantly cross-question you over your whereabouts. "This technique allows 'The Loser' to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behaviour from a distance or a local bar."

* You are never good enough: When you're dating 'A Loser', you never feel good enough for them, which is their way of making you feel you need to do everything in your power to impress them, constantly. "This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

* They Make You "crazy": You know that helpless feeling when you believe you're going crazy over someone despite the fact you know they're entirely wrong for you? This includes stalking, becoming paranoid, screaming, being overly emotional and violent. The good news, according to Dr. Carver, is that "your behaviour will return to normal if you detach from 'The Loser' before permanent psychological damage is done."

What do you think? How do you know you're dating a loser?"

[basiaf27]

There is also a great link which lists all the red flags you should be looking at:
LoserRx - The Prescription for Unhealthy Relationships - Relationship Red Flags

[basiaf27]

Has anyone dated someone like that? Are these people able ever to change? We broke up around 2 weeks ago and IO don't understand why do I miss him so badly. He was loving and affectionate, but it looks like he was playing games all the time. The thing is, you never know if he is actually councious of such behaviour. I read that many intelligent people, with high degrees, have such problems. Apparently 15% of adults have some mental personality disorders... that is pretty scary.

[Romefalls19]

Everyone at one time or another has dated someone that they look back and know they shouldn't have. My first real relationship, I dated a cheerleader who was known to be loose, free spirited and didn't know the meaning behind the word faithful. But I didn't listen to anyone, including my parents. Needless to say, the outcome of that relationship still creates problems as I have problems trusting anyone because I was burned too many times by her

[amicon]

I'm sure most of us have-I think if they come across,in the beginning,as too good to be true-they probably are!

It takes time to get to know someone and sometimes Prince /Princess Charming turns out to be a toad.

The good thing is that there are decent,honest people out there as well!

[notsogreat]

I did. I dated and got engaged to a man that I was with for nearly ten years, that EVERYONE tried to warn me about. There were soooo many red flags, but I refused to see them. Now looking back after the smoke has cleared, I see the relationship for what it was, a learning experience, but definitely one I hope to avoid in my future. I loved this guy with all of my heart, unfortunately it was not reciprocated in the way that I wanted it to be. Thus speaking, I dated a loser!