[HistorianChick]

She resisted and just kept telling me it was too late, it was over, yada yada and she cried the whole time.

It's over. She is done and wants to move on.

When a girl does this she is emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausted - she is done.

You must move on or you'll drive yourself crazy.

[MLB33]

And, she is def pretty mad at me. Not like I cheated mad but more disappointed in me mad. Disappointed that it took her walking away for me to realize what I was not doing (committing).


This is the "help" desk right? I mean really. You don't think I should even try? I should just lay down and quit? I promise you that if you all are right I will come back and say it. BUT I find it hard to believe that the answer to every single question on here is just to go NC and move on.


And she told me I just quit at things. When something gets tough I just turn around and walk away. I'm NOT doing that now

[amicon]

Your story echoes many others here.
The advice we give is based on experience,personal and through time spent on this board.
It's up to you what you do,obviously,but there is nothing here that tells me that your constantly getting in touch with and trying to persuade your ex to come back will result in anything but driving her much further away.
Read some similar threads and see how they have gone down.

[HistorianChick]

This is the "help" desk right? I mean really. You dont think I should even try? I should just lay down and quit? I promise you that if you all are right I will come back and say it. BUT I find it hard to believe that the answer to every single question on here is just to go NC and move on.

If you look back at the responses in this post, you'll find many different answers.

My original advice was to take her away from it all for a weekend. I was under the assumption (my own misunderstanding) that you were having problems in your relationship - I offered you advice on how to show your girlfriend that she was still wanted.

Over the course of the posting, I grew rather annoyed with your constant barrage of questions and looked closer at the situation (what I should have done in the beginning). I advised you to tell her what you felt and leave it in her hands.

You did that. She said no. You need to leave it in her hands.

I don't think you understand that when a girl says NO she means no. Not "chase me and make me love you"... you can't do that. The only thing that your continual chasing will do will make her uncomfortable, scared, and ultimately, she could go to the police, take out a restraining order, and legally ban you from her life... I know. I had to do it.

No, not every answer is to not contact her. I try and find every possible answer other than NC, because frankly, I don't like the concept. But I've had to live it.

You need to take a good, hard look at what you're doing to her, the woman you say that you love. You are making her emotionally distraught. That's not love, that's selfishness.

[MLB33]

You don't have anything to say if its not "leave her alone and give up?"

Ok thank you historic. I didn't mean to annoy you with my questions sorry. Won't ask another one.

I will say this though, I understand what you 2 are saying. BUT, in this situation she was wanting me to committ to her and marry her. This isn't just a regular I loved you and now I don't sorry.

[HistorianChick]

You're hurting and you feel as though your heart is being ripped in two. That's where all these questions and desperation are coming from... a true, honest, affection for this girl.

But you've got to realize that she is not seeing that side of it. She is seeing the persistent, "I'll make you love me", scary side.

You poured out your heart to her. That's all that you can do. Any more would be considered stalking.

Please don't go down that road. We've seen it on her way too many times and some of us have been on the receiving end of it. It's not fun.

When my ex was doing the things that you're doing, I couldn't sleep at night for fear that he would call. Whenever my phone would ring, I'd get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, even if it wasn't him. I would be afraid to check text messages because I thought they were from him. Whenever I'd go out at night, I'd run from my locked house, get in my car, and lock the door right away for fear that he'd be there and try to talk to me.

You're not at this point yet. I know you're not. You're just hurting so bad that you want to show her you have changed. But, it can get to this point very easily. My ex truly did love me, I know that. All he was doing was out of love that turned into a scary obsession. His love wasn't a regular "i loved you and now I don't, sorry" kind of love either.

Please don't get there. We're only trying to help.

[MLB33]

Im not going there. The only advantage that I have is that I know her and that mutual friend I talked about is very close with her. I know she needs time, and Im not trying to rush things back to how they were but giving her time is what got me in this mess in the first place. Talking to her friend after I left last night... she said that she is so mad at me for not realizing this earlier, she told our friend that she "doesnt know whats going to happen" but I know she is really confused right now, has all kinds of things going on in her life and doesn't need this added pressure. And she has built this huge freakin wall!! I mean when I talked to her and looked into her eyes you could just tell. She is trying to convince herself that she's dong the right thing. I know she's not. I know I know, everybody prob says that and I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. The bottom line is, that she has to realize what she wants or doesn't want and that takes time and she has to miss me yes you're right BUT she expects me to quit. She expects me to say the hell with it when it gets hard and I won't do it!! I don't usually fight for things but I have to fight for this. I don't want to sound crazy but I was counting on her to be there. In my mind I was, I never came out and told her that and so she didn't know. What a moron!

[HistorianChick]

It's your choice if you want to wait for her.

I still think that you need to give her space, but if you choose to wait, then that's your decision.

We all hope for fairytale endings; I hope that you get yours.

[MLB33]

Sorry wow got a little carried away in the last post. I just wanted to know if you can possibly just pretend that Im right, don't know that I am but pretend... better yet. What would you do in my situation? Please GOD just don't give me the standard NC answer

[HistorianChick]

I would do what you've done. I would go, talk to her, tell her your heart, tell her you'll be waiting, and then do it.

I would leave it up to her. I would not expect that I could push my will upon someone else. That's all about being human - having free will.

You did that. You said your peace. Now, you wait.

There is nothing else that you can do.

That's my opinion.

[MLB33]

Ok thanks. There's no way I want to trick her into coming back and trying. As bad as this is going to sound I don't want her to that. I want all of her and to know that she needs me just as much as I need her. I guess the hard part is that "waiting" feels like I'm just sitting and watching the world go by. I know what you mean and I def def don't want to push her away. I just really want her to know Im not quitting. She is thinking right now that even if I say Im not, I still will in 2weeks but that's not this case. This is too big to quit on. How do I not quit, and show her Im not quitting, without driving her crazy

[Newguy2009]

Dude, this is my opinion, and like everyone else on here, we speak from our own experience and individual situations. Im not going to tell you what to do because you are an adult and will ultimately do what ever you want but just hear me out...


The fact is, this girl told you she doesn't love you and that its over and its too late. You are not alone in this situation and believe me, I feel your pain because I was in your situation just 4 months ago.

When its too late, its too late my friend. Women don't just say that.

My ex did the whole needing space thing and called me a short time after and said she didn't think we should be together. I could not accept that. I begged, called, texted, sent her flowers... all that stuff. It got me nowhere, she had already made up her mind and there was nothing I could do. She too wanted commitment and although I was making plans to start a family and get married, she didn't want to wait.

You told her how you feel, she knows now. She rejected it saying its too late. If you chose to wait around for this girl, God help you because you are in for a devastating blow to the heart. I KNOW IVE BEEN THERE!!

[MLB33]

Sounds like your situation is really really close to mine. I just don't understand how you can go from (looking from the girls side) loving soembody so much and wanting to make them your life to not wanting to try. I took me 2 f'n years to figure this out, I know Im stupid. I wasn't ignoring her I just wasn't paying attention to the signs.

She always was the one to depend on somebody or need somebody to be there and I was the total opposite. Ive been raised with single parents and they taught me to stand on my own 2 feet and depend on myself and if I want something done I need to be the one to make sure that happens. She told me last night that I taught her that over these last years (and that's not all bad) but she says she can stand on her own 2 feet now and doesn't think she needs anyone. I told her there were many faults in believing that way because that's another one of the reasons that we are where we are right now

And Im not sending flowers, texting or callling or anything, just fyi

[I wish]

Theres no way I want to trick her into coming back and trying.

Way to sweep a girl off her feet!! Of course not...

I want all of her and to know that she needs me just as much as I need her.

That's more like it, you can't force her to be with you, it has to happen natrally.

I guess the hard part is that "waiting" feels like i'm just sitting and watching the world go by.

Helplessness is definitely a painful feeling, but you will get passed it with time.

I know what you mean and I def def dont wanna push her away. I just really want her to know Im not quitting.

It's not about pushing away or quitting. The bottom line is that you already told her how you feel, but she doesn't feel the same way as you. You can't force her to change her emotions. Do you really expect to sit around for the next 20 years proving to her that you're not a quitter and that you're still waiting for her?

This is too big to quit on. How do I not quit, and show her Im not quitting, without driving her crazy

Again, proving this to her won't make a different, because she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. This is also called, "false hope". You're hoping that one day, she will fall for you again.

I ask, how long do you plan to put your life on hold for her while she moves on?

You mentioned in an earlier post that this is a "help desk". You are correct, we are here to help the OP, which is you. You're the one who is suffering. So we're trying to help you recover from this break up.

Seems like you prefer to suffer by sitting by the phone waiting for her to call. If that's the case, then you don't need our help to contribute in your suffering. But when you ready to heal from the break, know that the NC rules are a helpful tool. Please see my signature for all NC related threads.

[MLB33]

Hard to argue with that... :/ Im not going to wait around for 20 years, I even know I can't do that. I just meant that when something's not easy I throw my hands up and move on. Always been that way, with sports and just everything.

But for now, do you think just leaving her alone is the best thingt to do? I mean, you are 100% right, if its not in her, its not in her, BUT if it is, she just has to realize it huh?

Im digging, I know I am

[talaniman]

People miss what's not there, and want what they can't have.

You don't fit in either case. Yes, leaving her alone is exactly the thing to do.

[Jake2008]

When a relationship breaks down, and one party is no longer willing to stay in it, it is over.

This came as a great surprise to you when it happened, because you didn't see it coming. You did the best you could, and nobody is questioning your love for this woman.

She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.

There is no other choice for you but to move on. To have this fierce need to prove to her that she's wrong in her thinking, and that you can prove to her that you can make up for all that was wrong in the past, just isn't going to happen.

Please leave her alone, give up on this pursuit, and accept that the end has come to this relationship.

That is the only way you will be able to move on with your life.

[talaniman]

Quote by Jake2008
She likely had thoughts of ending the breakup long before you realized it.

That something I believe to be true. By your own words it took you a while to "get it", and when you did, it was to late.

Like missing a bus, you have few options but to wait for the next one.

[MLB33]

Yes, you are all right. I went over there last night because she asked me to bring the last of her stuff and we talked, like civil human beings, same story though. It just all took me by surprise. (Im just talking now not asking for answers) I mean, I knew she was being different over the last several months, I noticed. She says that I should have stood up and said something to her. BUT, I mean, just try to put yourself in my shoes, if your g/f has a ton of stuff going on, I mean all day every day, work, going back for second masters, school, work outs, you know she's a busy girl. So, me seeing that I just kind of backed off a little. Not in a cold way at all, I just didn't want to get in the way so to speak. I just find it hard to believe that she can't understand where Im coming from. I never once have asked to get back together, just fyi. When we were talking she said she gave me numerous chances, but hell, I never knew I was getting 2nd chances you know? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. I never knowingly ignored her "hints" (as she calls them). Adding to that, I would imagine if she wanted it bad enough she would have reached a little more for my help...

Just somebody tell me that you understand what Im saying please

[MLB33]

This just doesn't make sense to me. And... it probably won't haha, but I don't know, but I'm pretty positive that its not another guy. If it was, I think she would tell and that would make a hell of a lot more sense to me.

She even looked different last night. She wasn't mean or anything but her voice just sounds like she is going to stick to her guns and let this go and that's her final answer. Her eyes don't look the same. She's not mean, she's just... cold. Not the same girl at all right now.

I mean, we are talking about a girl that was wanting to marry for 3 months ago. Like dying to marry me and I wasn't just trying to slow her down a little. Not for any reason but I just wanted to make sure it was right. Guess it wasn't huh...