[MLB33]

Ok buddy. I see what you are saying but back off the testosterone just a little. Im very much a "real man" but you are saying the total opposite of what the two previous to you said. I don't believe that the answer is to let it go. YES, in most cases I certainly agree with you. No doubt about it, but I don't think this is over yet. Maybe I'm being naïve, possibly, but I just don't think its over. I think she is being stubborn and has built a wall and is sitting there doing everything she can to tell herself that she made the right decision. I'm living this and yes I came for advice but work with me here a little. I don't mean you have to tell me what I want to hear, but just try to be a listener too. My GOD I sound like her now haha . But seriously, she gave up because I didn't show her enough. If you read my first post you'll see what I mean. Thank you always for your imput!

[HistorianChick]

First of all, I didn't realize you two had broken up. I guess I read it wrong, but I thought she was simply voicing her concerns that she didn't feel wanted. From your original post, that is what I gathered.

Over the course of this post, I have developed an aversion to your attitude. Yes, I know that you're desperate to fix your relationship, but honestly, if you're not willing to work at one, you shouldn't be IN one.

I offered my advice to someone that I thought was struggling to re-create the spark in the relationship, not to someone who was broken up and trying to win a girl back.

Over the course of this post, to me, it seems as if the story has changed - which again, could be my own coffee-deprived, Monday brain.

Now, it seems as if she told you she needed space, broke up with you, and is now requesting that you leave her alone. I've always said that when a woman (or man) asks to be left alone, that is what should be done. I've been in a relationship where I asked to be left alone and the ex didn't... it's not a fun situation to be in.

I don't know what to say to you. I gave you advice on how to fix a breaking relationship... not a broken relationship. When things are broken, they can be put together, but if both parties involved are not willing to work, then there can be no reconciliation.

Did she break up with you and ask you not to contact her?

[I wish]

You can't control her actions and thoughts. You can only focus on your end. If you show her that you still care about her, then all she has to decide is whether to give you another chance.

Being annoying and needy isn't even a concern anymore, because the bottom line is that you want her back. So you need to show her that she's still still special to you.

However, if she already broke up with you, it means that she has given up hope to repair the relationship. So we don't want to set your hopes too high.

Bottom line, if you want her back, let her know how you feel and see how she responds. If she doesn't want to give you another chance, then you have to accept the reality and move on with your life. You can't force her to come back to you.

[MLB33]

She never came right out and said that no. But she has called me a cpl times a day and sent little joking text messages a few times a day. I know she obviously doesn't want to hurt. She just said she needs time/space to figure out what she needs. Yes I know what that means in 99.9% of all the cases you deal with on here.

My whole point is... and I'm asking not telling, is that she said she needs space. I can respect that no problem. I mean it will suck but I can respect it I'm an adult. The thing is, that I got myself in this situation by not showing her that I was here for her and not needing her like I should have. Now I'm presented with this situation and I don't know what to do because I want to show her that I'm not quitting or ignoring her like I did earlier (which was a big minunderstanding). But again, I want to give her what she ask for you know?

Yeah I know what the reality is. You are right, just lay it out there and see what I get in return. Something I haven't done a lot before... lay my feelings out there.

Let me ask you this. I wrote 75 things down that I thought were important to her. Seeing as how I obviously don't know what's impt to her, I ask her to put her most important at the top and work her way down the list. Not all of them because there are a lot but the really important ones. I wrote a little note with it explaining that I wanted her to do that and that I wanted to understand what was important to her because I knew we didn't communicate that well and we do have to work on that. But I'm trying to show her that I do care and I want to be the person she fell in love with.

Is that over the top? I haven't given it to her yet but should I?

[talaniman]

My opinion is my own, based on my own experiences. Its always best to back up and let your emotional dust settle before you make a decision just to make sure you are getting the facts.

The way I see your situation is she broke this off, and said she its to late, and she was unwilling to go back.

For whatever reason she is calling you its obvious she isn't trying to get you back. So whatever the arguments were about, or for whatever reason she calls you everyday, its not working. That's a fact.

Now you can chalk that up to whatever you want, you haven't changed anything at all, which is why you stop what your doing, and leave her alone. That's giving her the time and space you both need for the dust to settle, and you regroup, with a clearer head and a better grasp of the facts.

That also means being unavailable for the emotional BS that she is putting you through, as its only through fear that she keeps contacting you until she has better things to do, and loses interest in this drama. Its only through fear on your part you keep answering but not recognizing you accomplish nothing and are getting frustrated and pushing each other away.

Of course you can't see that, as your scrambling to find your own fixes.

That's the whole point of my advice since you have no clue as to what you need to do. Give her what she asked for and get your own head together before you can examine and understand hers.

One of the reasons I am harsh, or blunt, especially with young inexperienced guys like you, is I know sometimes you need that emotional boot to get your brain going, and get you thinking.

That's what I want, you to think about what's in your own best interest now, so you can keep your dignity, and self respect, and not make decisions based on hurt feelings, shock, and rejection.

Thinking she is stubborn and just being that way, is not a fact, nor is it realistic, but her actions are and they say no more romance, and she has shown no willingness to work with you at all.

Now you can do whatever you want and follow the advice of anyone you want, that's your choice. But mine is, you are way to available for her games, and BS, and need a clear mind for a better perspective. Then I think you will see its not all you that has caused this breakdown in communications to the point she needs a break, and unless she is willing to work with you, it ain't going to work no matter what you do.

Your last experience showed you that. Still too much testosterone for you? Deal with it. That's also what real men do!

[Jake2008]

When there are no boundaries, there is confusion. When she says she wants time and space away from you, without saying what she means (seeing you every other weekend instead of every weekend for example), what are you supposed to be able to make of that, unless you have a crystal ball.

My take is that she is working on her second PHD, working second shift, and putting in very long, very hard days. She can not likely see more commitment with you, at this time.

Keep in touch with her via email, and the odd text, and let her know that you hope she will contact you to get together, or talk, or go see a movie, whatever, but that you won't initiate it.

That way you are both off the hook for the time being.

If she responds that it is a good idea to take things slow without pressure, then do just that.

Once her life settles a bit more and she actually has time for a relationship, she'll let you know.

Leave the ball in her court.

[MLB33]

Jake - That's all I can do and to be honest all that I want to do. I don't want to play any games with her I just want her to be happy. She told me about a month ago that all of the stress from everything was really getting to her and I think that has a lot more to do with it then I may have made it out to be. But yes, from my end its very confusing because this is a girl that needs somebody to be there and wanted me there. Again, she said I should have "picked up on the hint" but who knows. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I just completely let it be right now. Like I said I was planning on going over there tomorrow night and just putting my feelings out there (not crying and begging) so that she didn't have any doubt whatsoever about how I felt. You see, she said she didn't think I could be there for her (read prior posts) and she thinks that I just give up on things when they get hard (she used when I played college baseballl as an example, which I didn't quit, I just got frustrated when I was slumping and just kind of rode it out) so I want to at least show her that I'm not giving up, BUT I don't want to cross the line and smother her. What do you think? Yes or No?

And, what about the list of 75 things that I made and ask her to put in order from what's most important to her to least important. While I would love to see the results, that's just me showing her that I do care enough to try and break this communication barrier that we have. Yes or No?

Thank you for your time and opinions

[amicon]

You're broken up.
She's given up on you.
She's your ex.
She asked for space.

Space is what you give her.
It seems you're stuck in 'the confusing odd text, phonecall and e-mail'situation,which means she can pull all the strings and you sit overanalyzing everything.

Let her have all the space in the world.
Go no contact and clear your head.

Let her get on with her life,to be sure it sounds like a hectic one, but people who are in a committed relationship and want to stay together,work these situations out together.

[Jake2008]

I would personally confirm for tomorrow night, and see if she is prepared to talk to you.

As to working on a list of most important, to least important, that would be a no in my opinion. Leave that for another time.

If she is testing your resolve, hold off, keep in touch but with a light hand, and let her know that when she's ready, to call you and you'll be there.

I once left my husband for a solo vacation all by myself. I felt overwhelmed, totally stressed out, and had a million reasons he was such a jerk. But, time and reflection put it all into perspective, and eventually, I realized it was me, not him, that was causing the rift. He was just a handy guy to dump it all on.

The only way to figure it out, is to give it time.

[MLB33]

Ok, thank you for your posts and responses! It really does help and I know I may sound like a broken record but I realize that Im searching for a certain "magic bullet" that can't be found. Here is one a posted to somebody earlier if you don't mind commenting on it as well. Thank you again!!

Also, how do I keep in touch with her? I yes of course I want to, but is that the best thing?

And the only reason I was making that list of things that are important to any relationship (again just wanting her to put the list in order to fit her needs) is to show her that Im trying to initiate learning how to communicate with her. That the relationship is worth me putting my best effort into it. Still a no? If you think no then that's OK just trying to clearify

Sorry to bother you, I just have a quick question about "space." Yeah shocker huh. Anyway, if you look at my post called "a different kind of space" I just don't know what to do in this situation. She did say it was over but that was after me asking a million questions on the phone the night we broke up (I Know! I was just hurting) and at first she just wanted space and I for whatever reason could not grasp that and just kept on digging for asnwers, which in turn got me the "its just too late" response. Moving fwd, the reason she needed space was because she has so much going on and she is stressed to the max and wants to just be able to make decisions about stuff on her own. I'll give it to her, Im a pretty laid back guy but I would be a mess in her situation too. Also, she said that I never showed her that I needed her (read prior post). So my question is... is going completely NC the right thing for me to do? I ask her if I could go over there tomorrow night and say my little piece. I just want her to know how I feel so she doesn't walk away thinking I don't care (read my prior post) or should I just go completley NC. Obviously I do want this to work, but I want it to work on her terms. I want her to NEED me. Keep in mind that she has been acting different for the past several months and when I saw that heppening I backed off because I didn't want to mess anything up, when (according to her) I should have "manned up" and been there for her. She said I should have assumed that I was suppose to be beside her. I still can't believe that anybody in their right mind, would just assume that when they see their partner acting different. I did ask, without any solid answers in return. But anyway, yesterday was the first day I've not talked to her at all. This happened about a week ago and she had to get her stuff to move back to her apt so we were still around each other. I just smiled and acted light hearted about everything and she sent a few texts to me and I sent the normally flirty smartalic text back that I used to. But NC at all yesterday. SO... sorry I wrote so much, should I just ignore it and not go, go and say my piece (this does NOT involve craying and blabbering) or text her tomorrow and ask if she wants me to come buy and say what I need to say?

[Newguy2009]

she thinks that I just give up on things when they get hard

Listen to what you are saying here and ask yourself one question: Is she the one that has given up? I think you know the answer to this and if not then you will have problems and will end up causing yourself more pain.

Bottom line. She asked for space, this wasn't something that was thought up over night. She has known for a long time that it wasn't working, just didn't know how to tell you.

Your heading says "A different kind of space" but the fact is, SPACE IS SPACE! She knows where you went wrong and if she was really forgiving and thought that it mattered she would stay to communicate with you and work it out. This is not what she wants and nothing you do will change the past. Her action of leaving proves this.

If she decides to give you a second chance it will have to be on her terms but that is highly unlikely because she has already made her decision. Take it from me dude and save yourself more pain, leave her alone. Fact: You are broken up and HAVE to move on!

[Newguy2009]

. She did say it was over but that was after me asking a million questions on the phone the night we broke up (I Know! I was just hurting) and at first she just wanted space and I for whatever reason could not grasp that and just kept on digging for asnwers, which in turn got me the "its just too late" response.

My situation was similar, I thought it was different and I too wanted answers and kept hounding, which allowed her to justify her decision in leaving. She doesn't want to be with you and you need to accept that.

So my question is... is going completely NC the right thing for me to do?

Yes, It is the only thing that will save your dignity

[MLB33]

Thanks New... I understand what you are saying and I understand everything that everybody is saying but it is hard to accept. Its not like I don't see the writing on the wall here, but its just tough.

The conversation you referred back to in my post lasted all of 5 minutes. I didn't call and beg and plead and yada yada all night long. Just so you know. She actually had called me to ask me some kind of bs question.

I just want to make sure that you understand that one of the reasons she wanted it wsa because she knows I just give up and when I was backing off her she thought that's what I was doing and so she ended up giving up. Funny how things work out huh. Anyway, Im sure your response is the same but I just want you to see where I'm coming from here. I don't want to mess up again by acting like I'm giving up.

Thanks man

[amicon]

Go NC and avoid BS questions.

And yes,it's hard for you to come to terms with,but,to me,looking in from the outside,all the usual signs are there-it's over.

You're still looking for a magic wand and there aren't any.

Frankly,the sooner you accept the true situation and move on from the false hope,the better off you will be.

[MLB33]

Ok new question, I know Im sorry Im full of questions right now. Lets just say that I don't go over to her house tomorrow night and talk to her. She certainly knows that I am broken right now, and she expects me to go over there. This is not a game to me so don't write it off as that please! But Im about 99% sure if I don't go she will text me or call me and ask why I didn't come. Either that night or the next day or sometime. Lord knows I want to go but if she ask for space that's what she's getting. Not trying to be rude either. But how do I respond to that? Im not going to ignore her or act mean towards her, but I have to have a reason not to go. Im sure she expects me to be there whether she wants to hear what I have to say or not.

Or should I send a text asking if its even worth me coming over there to talk. I'd make it clear I wasn't asking for any decisions I just wanted to say what I needed to so there were no doubts about how I felt.


Just to clear something up real quick: I don't want me response to her to come off like I don't give a crap. Its not a "screw you" I want to get across to her. I want her to know that I still care so much! Without actually saying it... you know what I mean

[Newguy2009]

Im not going to ignore her or act mean towards her, but I have to have a reason not to go. Im sure she expects me to be there whether she wants to hear what I have to say or not.

You got your reason, she left you. That action speaks louder than words. You are in the denial stage and false hope mode. Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? She has made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you and you are on the string my friend, being strung along as a fallback in case her decision doesn't work out in her favor. Time to cut ties and go NC. If she wanted you she would make that clear. She has made it clear she does not, at least not in the way you want.

Maybe in the future you can be friends but I wouldn't recommend it now. 6 months to a year. See how you feel...

[MLB33]

Update: Just got a text from her that reads "When you come over tomorrow will you pleaes bring my board games that are in your computer room closet."

Not trying to read into this but lets be serious. She needs her board games? How do I respond to that? I don't even know if I'm going to go or not tomorrow everybody on here has been acting like I was a moron for thinking about it.

I'm between a rock and a hard place here because I want her to miss me and I know she has to so she can see whether she really does need me. But she also said I needed to "man up" and show her that I was there for her. But again, she sent messages on Sunday saying "it was just too late" and that she "just needed more from me"

What do I do??

[HistorianChick]

Simple: you bring her your board games, say what you want to say, and leave. End of story.

You can't keep agonizing over this.

You say what you need to say and leave it in her hands. It's up to you if you want to wait for her - she may change her mind, she may not.

You say your peace and leave her be. Period.

[MLB33]

NEW DEVELOPMENT: Ok so I went over to her house last night because I thought I had it all figured out. I talked to a mutual friend of our and she just acted like I was the biggest moron ever not to notice what was going on. "Manning up" meant that she was ready to go fwd with our relationship and so she was wanting me to commit. To be completely honest, she had every reason to believe that I wasn't going to and she hung on and hung on but I didn't. I had an "agenda" I wanted to work through before marriage and she patiently waited for me to get through all of it and I gave her nothing in return. Don't get me wrong, the whole time I have no idea what's going on... I'm just saying that Im not actively ignoring it.
Anyway, I went over there and told her that I was not "going to do something about it" but that I was "doing something about it." She resisted and just kept telling me it was too late, it was over, yada yada and she cried the whole time. So I talked to our friend after this and she had talked to my ex and come back and told me that she just has a huge huge wall up right now and understandibly so.

My question now is, what can I do to show her that I want this more than anything? There's a fine line between showing her and being a stalker and I don't want to cross it but I DEF need to show her. I know her and talking to our friend, I know that she needs to believe me and actually trust me enough to think that I have realized and changed and that I'm not bs'ing her and going to fall right back into the same pattern.

[amicon]

It's not yada yada-she is telling you it's over.
That IS the writing on the wall,only you refuse to see it.

It doesn't matter how many plans or changes you make,give her the space she has asked for and leave her alone so you both can start to heal.