[MLB33]

Ok, here we go. I apologize in advance for being all over the place. Me and my ex dated for 2 years, we are both 27 now. About a week ago she gave up on me saying she needed space. Yes I know this is a classic line, BUT its different in this case. I'll get more in depth when needed but she said that I wasn't there when she needed me to be. I could tell about 2 or 3 months ago that she was acting different. I wasn't getting the "I love you" or "I miss you" texts like she used to send all the time. (No Im 100% sure its not another guy). So when she started acting different I backed off a little bit. She has a whole lot going on right now. A job with 2nd shift hours, and she's going back to school for her 2nd masters. So she goes from 5 am until 10 pm almost everyday and has been very stressed out lately. So the weekends have been the only real time we have had together lately. Anyway, she is very very close with her family (who live 2 hrs from here) and goes home to see them a lot. I have also become close with them until the last 6 months or so. I had a few things going on to and didn't get to go home with her except for a few times. Then she starts acting different and I backed off a little. I didn't think she wanted me around. Didn't think she wanted me to go home with her to see her fam. So a week ago she tells me that I haven't been there for her and that she just isn't in love with me anymore. I know that I haven't been because I was purposly trying to give her space so I didn't get in her way. Ive told her that and that I wanted more than anything to go home with her and hang out more. This girl was head over heals in love with me just 2 months ago. I truly don't believe that she can just flip a switch. I honestly did not realize that I was doing the total opposite thing that she wanted. She says that I just now realized it but she's been waiting for a while for me to "man up" and say something. We have had several fights, big and small lately and its been like she has had zero patience with me. I don't know what to do. She says she just needs space to figure herself out. The problem is, that she knows that I backed down before (even though GOD knows I wanted to be with her I just thought she didn't want to be around me) and I don't want to back down again. I'm going over there on Wed because I told her there was no way I was going to let this go and her not know exactly how I felt. But she kept telling me its just to late and she doesn't want it anymore. However, she calls every day just about and I can hear the pain in her voice. I ask her last night if she was OK and she said no, because of all this stuff going on with us. I know she's hurting really bad. All I ever wanted was to be there for her but I played it totally backwards and now here I am. I swear I think that she is telling herself in her head that I'm not who she needs and she's being stubborn about it. I just can't believe that its not there anymore. HELP!! Do I go over there and talk to her or leave her alone or what

[I wish]

Be honest with her. Tell her what you told us. If she still cares about you, she would hear you out and give it another shot.

If she doesn't care, then it doesn't matter what you did or did not do in the past, because her feelings have naturally drifted away anyway. So it wouldn't have mattered if you did things differently anyway.

[HistorianChick]

Honestly? You know what I think you need? I really think you two need to get away from it all for a while.

This seems (to me) like a classic case of non-verbal communication gone wrong. She was waiting for you to want to be there, you were waiting for her to want you there.

Is there any way that you can go away for the weekend or something? Just a quick get-away where you can re-connect.

Yes, she has a lot going on right now, but that isn't an excuse for her... she is just as responsible to maintain the communication in your relationship. You have acted in what you thought was support; she has translated that as disinterest.

You two need to communicate; you need to get away.

I would set something up - even if it is just going to a bed and breakfast/hotel in your town. Something that shows her that you are committed to fixing what went wrong, that you ARE there for her, and that you are "in it for the long haul."

Best of luck.

[MLB33]

Multiple posts merged

Yes, you hit the nail on the head, that's exactly it. I would be all about that! I don't know that she would go for it though. I mean, I think she's tired of talking about it and she knows that all we would do is talk about everything the whole time.

Not trying to be negative here but how in the world am I suppose to talk her into that? And if by the grace of GOD she said OK, where would I even start? I've said a million things already and she has a ginormous wall built now

[I wish]

I suggest that you start by DOING something really special for her. Actions speak louder than words. Just to show her that you're willing to put in the effort. Talking can go in circles.

What did you end up doing on Valentine's Day?

I would give you ideas, but you should come up with something originally.

[HistorianChick]

Not trying to be negative here but how in the world am I suppose to talk her into that? And if by the grace of GOD she said ok, where would I even start? I've said a million things already and she has a ginormous wall built now

Don't ask. Just do. Sweep her away... don't even let her pack clothes. You can pack something for her, or, if you can, just buy new stuff while you're away!

You've got to start taking the initiative... when a woman thinks that her man isn't interested anymore, he must show her that he is. This is one great way to show her that you want to work it out.

[MLB33]

Multiple posts merged together

She left on Vday! To go to a friends house 2 hours away. None of her friends live around here. Which just makes it harder for her Im sure. I wish she had somebody to talk some sense into her. I did give her the dress that I bought her. She cried. I was going to take her out to dinner in that dress and some more stuff.

She was still living at my house (kinda had half of her stuff at my house and half at her apt) when this happened and had to stay 3 days after she said she needed space to figure things out on her own. So the last night she was there I put candles out and had a bath ready for her. She again, started crying saying that she wished I would have realized all of this before. But is late not better than never?

Also, when I told her that I wanted to go to her apt and talk to her on Wed she said "what do you need to say? are you just going to tell me how you know what you should have done before."


Ok, #1 she has a dog. Can't just leave the dog, trust me on that one that would be a BIG NO NO haha. She is the kind that will just say no though. I mean do I not ask what she's doing Friday? What if she has plans? Don't get me wrong I undersetand what you are saying

I just don't know which approach to take. I know I HAVE to do something but if I keep on and she doesn't want me to to I become that "annoying guy."


I know I'm jabbering on Im sorry. We used to text all the time. I mean all day. Should I respond to her text if she sends them? If so, how?

Or should I text or call her at all?

[I wish]

I think we've established that you don't give her enough attention. You're annoying in the sense that you're not putting the necessary effort.

Giving her space is not the way to go in your case, as she clearly stated that you don't spend enough time with her.

Why don't you find out when she's free and do something special with her? If she wanted to see you, she will find the time. You don't need to make so many assumptions and predictions.

[MLB33]

You are def right. I don't mean to sound like I don't agree with you. I just have heard you say over and over that its just to late. Or she's not "in love" with me anymore. She is very stubborn and quick to build a wall too.

In the mean time, do I still text her or wait for her to text me? What kind of attitude towards her am I suppose to have?

I just sent her one asking her something about her washing machine (it broke) and she responded just fine

[MLB33]

Ok, I asked her what kind of washer she had, she said she wasn't sure why did I want to know.

Me "I wanna figure out how to fix it"
Her "Dont worry I'll figure it out!
Thanks though."
Me "Will you please just tell me what
kind it is when you have time."
Her "I got it I promise"

See what I mean, she won't let me back in at all

[HistorianChick]

I'm telling you, I still think you need to just take her away.

Find someone to sit for the dog, make sure her friends know that you're planning something, check her schedule, and go.

You've GOT to start putting effort into this. A woman likes to be won, even when she is in a relationship.

It sounds like you did start taking advantage of the relationship- assuming that since you have her she doesn't need to be wooed. That's the wrong move.

If you have any shot at this, you need to do something spontaneous, something that required prior planning on your part, something big.

I'm not going to say that there is no hope, but it sounds like you're going to have to do something.

[I wish]

Washer?

So much chit chat. This is what we call "all not, no action"

Get up and DO SOMETHING special for her.

[MLB33]

I hear what you 2 are saying! I know what you mean. Please believe me when I say that I would do absolutely anything to fix this. I would and I will. But the fact is, if she refuses to go, then I can't make her go. I mean I will try and try but if she doesn't want to she won't. I'm not making excuses trying to get myself out of this or where I don't have to do anything because I want to so bad!

In the mean time, do I still "chit chat" with her in text? SHould I just act reallly light hearted?


I mean you have to know that I can't just show up and say OK c'mon lets go and expect her to be like "ok."

Im just confused... and hurt

[HistorianChick]

I mean you have to know that I can't just show up and say ok c'mon lets go and expect her to be like "ok."

Im just confused....and hurt

That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Planning a weekend together is more than just showing up and saying lets go. It is a testament to your dedication to growing a relationship. It demonstrates that you spent time planning the trip, finding people to cover while you're gone, gone out of your way to show her you care.

I'm beginning to see a little why she has given up.

You've GOT to take initiative. You've got to show her you care, not be all hung up on how to respond to her texts.

You're focusing on the wrong things. Focus on showing her what she means to you. You've got to woo her...

... or you will lose her.

[MLB33]

And she said that she hates me for taking so long to figure this out. And that it shouldn't of taken us having to break up for me to figure it out. Yes it did take that for me, it was extreme I know and I wish I would have known earlier but wouldn't she be halfway hopefull if she knows I figured it out? Instead of shutting me completely out

[I wish]

Ok, I think that you're a bit fixated on the idea of taking her somewhere. But making her something can be special too.

Here are some other ideas:

1) Write her a poem.
2) Make a collage of all the little things that you've accumulated together
3) Make a photo album. Print some photes and write a small note next to each photo reminding her of that special memory

There are so many things that you can do from the comforts of your own home and just giving it to her. Giving it to her would only require 10 seconds of her time. You can even drop it off at her place without interacting, which would take up 0 seconds of her time.

Once she's in a better mood, it will be easier to take her on a get-away.

[MLB33]

Historic I do understand, I really really do. Im not being negative or scared or any of that, and my pride is completely out the window at this point trust me. BUT, do you really not see what Im talking about when I say she won't go. I love what you're saying because I'm not going to give up. I won't. She is SO stubborn and if she says no... then what do I do?


I wish - I did that stuff. I play the piano and Ive written her poems and I've written songs to her and sang them. Not since the last couple of days I haven't but I did all that before. I'm all about anythign that will help. I'm willing to do anything. If I wrote her more things or did any of that stuff she would just cry and say that she hates that I didn't realize this earlier. I can't catch a break! I don't KNOW KNOW that's how she'll act but I'm pretty sure.

I think it has a lot to do with her fam. She's really close to them and I haven't been going home with her lately as I explained in the initial post. I know her fam loves me that's not what I mean. But all of her siblings have b/f's or g/f's that live close and are around all the time. I don't and I can't be all the time. I did mess up with that aspect of things. I think they may be giving up on me too

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-170561-8.html

I couldn't help but notice that this thread is exactly like the one you posted two years ago, and though it certainly sounds like the same girl, a few details are a bit confusing, so my question is, Is this the same female, or another one, and what happened to the other situation?

[MLB33]

Haha no thank god. Totally different situation. The last one was the first girl to ever break up with me and that just floored me how it felt not to be able to have somebody. This one I truly do love everything about her and I honestly think she's making a mistake. I have been wrong before, but I just think she's trying to talk herself into not giving me another shot. I mean the whole point was for me to understand and now that I do its to late?

I wish - What if I write down "one liners" every day and leave them in her door. Each one will start with: I promise to: then yada yada. Example I promise to: Laugh with you or I promise to: Inspire you. Not say anything about them just leave one a day

[talaniman]

You learned nothing from your other experience, and it really doesn't matter what you think she is doing. Fact is she is doing it. Let her, and leave her alone. Do your own thing because you had fun while it lasted.*

Something tells me this will be like your last thread 2 years ago. Us telling you to leave her alone and you still trying to hold on.

Real men disappear when they get dumped, simply because they never try to beg someone to change their minds and take them back, and because they would rather some one be with them from their own free choice, and not by begging, tricks, or manipulations.*

Real men also know they can find what they want by keep looking, and have a great time doing it.*

Real men don't worry about what could be, and we don't cry when we don't get what we want.*

Real men disappear when they get dumped, because they know they can keep it real, and move on.*

*( Applies to REAL women Too! )