[vt_kettle]

Threads merged

The situation is kind of interesting. Me and the ex are broken up now. We're both only 21 years old. We had a really great relationship and she really understood things about me and how to make my heart at ease in the relationship that nobody else had before. I too understood things about her that she had never seen in herself, things she never experienced with her ex of 3 years and places she never thought she could open in herself. She had warned me before we got serious that she was a tough shell to crack that she sometimes made it hard for people to get in and that she would scare away sometimes. We moved somewhat fast in the relationship where by the 4th month she felt so in love and comfortable that she brought up the topic of having thought about marriage with me and children ( after college ). I was happy with that because I had been wanting to hear that for a while and I was ready for talking about it. We were madly in love and there were just things we knew we couldn't let go of in the relationship. But she began to go backwards and scare away. Things in the relationship just kind of got rocky because of it simply because I was still ready to say she was those things (marriage and children) but she was now hesitant and that hurt. I was wondering what I had done wrong, regretting saying certain things, and doing certain things. Just wondering what might of happened. But there wasn't really any one thing that I did or my fault it was just she began to scare away. She stressed how much she loved me and that it was killing her to feel like she was. She would cry because she was so unhappy with the fact that she was closing off and didn't know why. She was feeling like I deserved a lot more and didn't know how to tap into that.

We both knew it would take drastic measures to help her understand. We knew she would have to go find herself and that that would mean I couldn't be there with her while she did that ( alone ). So the first time we tried to break up was the serious break up talk. I was very understanding and a gentleman. I told her ' That I understood what she was going through and I understood why she had to go, that she needed to be free to fly and be the potential full woman I had seen and known she was put here on this earth for. That I had seen the woman she could be and that it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. ' She told me she was so scared because she was IN love with me not just ' I love you ' but ' I'm in love with you' and she was scared that she wouldn't like what she found out about herself, but that she was so happy she had found a guy like me to support these tough decisions in her life. She told her mom about the conversation we had that night ( which was more dense than those few lines and if you can imagine more of the conversation it was just me telling her what a great woman I had been with and how glad I was to have been in it) and her mother could only say how rare and amazing that was to have found a man willing to say that, who understood the other's conflict and that supported their decision and was willing to let the love go to not hold someone back from their potential. Her mother and father and family all really loved me and her together and were very happy that I was in her life. They truly appreciated me as a man even though I wasn't perfect. My ex said she couldn't agree with her mother more. ( So it wasn't a family issue ). That I was an amazing man and that she had never experienced someone who really loved her like I did and stressed that she wasn't taking me for granted. She told me she didn't want it to happen, that she didn't want to be with anyone else and she was only interested in finding her, and that I was her love. She jokingly said she would ' secretly be plotting the death of any girl I met here at in the last year of college in our time of breakup '. However we just couldn't break up that night and so we decided to try a break. During the break she would just find silly ways to talk to me and to not be silent from me so it didn't work. She told me everyday how much she loved me and cared for me and wants the best for me and just wants to find herself. Reiterating how scared she is that she won't like who she finds. After Christmas family gathering, she wanted to see me and fall asleep together be with each other etc and that she didn't really want me to come over if I didn't understand that she was in love with me and that she wasn't stringing me along.

We then broke up the 1st of January on a mutual basis because we knew we had to rip the band aid off. Neither of us wanted to break up really but we kind of knew we had to. Once we got to back to school it began to sink in that we were no longer together even though every day despite the break up she told me she loved me and that I was amazing and that she is miserable and hates seeing me in the same position. She has acted very maturely otherwise so I can't begin to believe that she is stringing me along. Knowing her, she isn't lying when she says she's not interested in finding any other man that I'm the only man she wants, she's just focused on finding out who she is. Of course this is one of the questions I bring up, Is this ever truly the case in situations like this or is it just wishful thinking believing those words.

We decided it might be best if we cut communication from one another. We don't want to really and the last thing she said to me was ' I love you so much baby, don't forget that please, you're so understanding and so amazing. I hope I find this out and when I do and I know the answers to the questions we don't know right now then It will be better. I am always here for you'. I told her to promise that if she found out she couldn't be without me to please come tell me and that I hope she would, and she replied ' I will don't worry and I hope I do too ( come back to you ).' and I said all I COULD say in that situation,' Well lets try again (not talking) :) I'm going to stop talking again and in the near future if I get messages from you I surely will read them and I will be caring about them but I will let you handle things on your own. You need space right now. And I'm not waiting for you but I'm not ruling out the future either. If you ever want to be with me again you will see the worth in the space. I have to let you truly go completely so you can truly be free and I'm not scared because I know what we have could move mountains. So if we are meant to be we will be.'



But now we are no longer in contact. I thought it might be good because maybe then she might be on her own and see that I was something to keep along. I really don't know what its going to help though I have been reading other threads on the website that say that that's false hope and that no contact means its over and to start moving on. I just don't know if I should start trying to or not because maybe I am a little naïve and believe everything she says. I have truly felt like what she has said about not wanting anyone but me was the truth. Maybe I'm just blind but I need some advice on how to approach it. Is it really truly over, should I begin to move on? Is there no hope of her coming back to me even though we were seemingly in love with each other still as we go our separate ways. Was she lying saying that she was in love with me can that not be the case coming from the dumper?

Her comments on whether us going into No Contact really meant it was over were
“ in my honest feelings I don't know because its not like we wanted to do no contact. We both just agreed itd be better. I don't know what the future holds. But I love you. Remember that.”

So I don't know what to take from that or to take from any of this. It's a weird situation because I feel like she still loves me. But I have been struggling to stay in No Contact with her with the information above,

Thanks

[talaniman]

Geez what a great movie this would make, but its so full of emotions, the facts are a bit fuzzy.

One that stands out, is you did move rather fast, and though you had the marriage, children talk, she realized she wasn't ready for all that.

Too, much, too fast, crash and burn.

The fact that you chose to break up, instead of enjoyed getting to really know each other is also quite telling, as finding ones self doesn't take a break up, but making adjustments to the relationship. Like doing other things besides being with each other.

You have little choice now, but to keep going down the path of leaving each other alone, simply because thats the agreement.

Having said all that, I think she let you down extremely kind, because she doesn't want what you want, so in light of that fact, leave her alone, heal, and move on.

Stick with the no contact, no matter what you think she feels. Its the hardest thing you will ever do, but for the best in the long run.

Good Luck.

[sully123]

You two got way too deep. It's emotion after emotion. Way too much pressure put on her. Honestly, she let you down easy. She wants to move on and you need to also. We all learn from our mistakes. You both are way too young. It's dating time and having fun, and enjoying each other, not marriage and not children.

[vt_kettle]

The ex has been trying to find ways to communicate with me even though she broke it off. I know the man I was with her was admirable and the way we ended our relationship was beautiful. If there was ever any chance for us to be back together it would surely happen. I just fear I have pushed her away now. However, our agreement of no-contact (an attempt for her to be able to be on her own and figure herself out without the pressures of relationships or the comfortable feeling she has with me) which she says ( as the breaker) is something she needs in order to find herself, has been broken every so often by tiny things and always by her I haven't broken no contact. She will find some way to manipulate my feelings to a point where I will most definitely not be able to resist replying. Every time we get in contact its about 15 texts of her telling me that she misses me and she just wanted me to know that, and then me starting to ask questions. I ask too many questions. And I fear that is pushing her away. She says it isn't but I don't completely believe that. Now I don't want this to happen because I don't want it to taint the chances of any rekindling in the future. I worry because the last thing I told her was the ' I didn't think I was ready but I guess it was time for me to start to move on '. And although that may be the truth, it is simply because I do not currently see any other choices as I am not sure how long it will take her to find herself. I don't want her to take that comment and assume that there's nothing more for us that its over, not have the desire to come back simply because I said I was moving on.

Again, I just fear that despite how we ended and how beautiful it was, I have now pushed her away with these comments. Although I am living for me and getting me on the right track, I can't help but to worry that the questions and me saying I guess I will attempt to move on have blown any opportunity to be desired again.

The text directly was

"" I know it came from your heart and from you worrying about me, but thats not me and it never will be me and you of all people know that. No dreams or fortune tellers or nothing would make it true that i do that. You know the man i am, i am strong will. Yes i am an emotional man because I am well connected to my heart but i will never do the cutting thing. I am living. And I can't keep wishing you were here. I don't have a genii. I am taking care of myself and moving to the next phase of my life. I would love for you to be there but happens. Thats not stopping me from getting there. I can't say that I'm ready but i think its time i moved on. I am praying for something that may never happen between us. I was the man i wanted to be with you and if i could do it over i would be that man again. Learning from you and laughing with you. Just remember who i was with you. I'm sorry for earlier I hope you understood my point of view. Because I realize that you were just implying you worry about me. But pitying me isn't necessary. You fell in love with me for a reason :):) was it because I was weak? No :) ""


Thank you.

[amicon]

Then you don't respond to her texts etc.
No contact means ignoring all communication as well as not communicating yourself.

Take charge of your own life,go proper NC and start moving on instead of waiting around for somebody else to make up their mind.