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lonely67 · Feb 10, 2010, 07:32 AM

We have been married for 18 years, there was a accident and my husband got hurt then the heartattackes and now he wants no physcial contact. I believe he loves me in his way but what am I to do. He doesn't see me anymore and he doesn't see that this bothers me so greatly when I do speak to him about this he says that is the way it is and. So I don't say anything and go on, but do I go the rest of my life not have a hug, kiss nothing and am I wrong for feeling this way

redhed35 · Feb 10, 2010, 07:48 AM

Your husband could be afraid for his own mortality,and putting distance between the women he has shared his life with for 18 years is his way of 'helping you'.

Can I ask how old he is and if this was recent.

He may be a little depressed if his life has changed considerable,also rapid changes in his physical makeup may cause stress.

I suggest a visit to the gp,couples therapy and maybe some rehabilation for your husband.

Finding a new normal is difficult,taking up a new hobbie or training course may lift his confidence and self esteem and give him back the self worth.

Jake2008 · Feb 10, 2010, 08:02 AM

I agree with red, he is fearful, has faced his own mortality, and by the sounds of things, still getting back on his feet.

Your needs are not being met, and understandable, but I think you should be a little better informed as to his physical limitations, and how to help him, rather than throw in the towel.

Give a call to his Doctor and just ask him when you should expect that he will be able to improve to the point where you can resume you're the physical part of your marriage. Much will probably depend upon him getting through what he's suffered physically, and feeling more like himself again.

I don't know why you would consider leaving him without first knowing if what he's going through, is not the aftermath of the accident and/or heart attacks.

Sickness, and in health...

lonely67 · Feb 10, 2010, 08:50 AM

It has been going on 7 years, I have been to the doctor and he wants nothing to do with me that way. He is just fine with this, and I thought about drepression and the dr said she didn't think so. He just chooses to treat me like a roommate .

Jake2008 · Feb 10, 2010, 09:09 AM

7 years! Good grief! That puts a very different spin on things.

I think in your situation, I would be considering all options as well. I apologize for thinking that you were impatient!

Would it be possible to visit the Doctor again, and ask for specific help. Be very blunt, and tell him that you have lived 7 years without physical affection from your husband, and you need help.

Failing any resolve after a second request, I would seek counselling. Go for yourself, and see if you can't find a way to either live with this comfortably, or leave the marriage.

Nobody would fault you for staying in a relationship without affection, it is a basic human need to be loved. This may be working nicely for your husband, but it is not working for you.

talaniman · Feb 11, 2010, 11:06 AM

A guy who has had a heart attack may have also fallen into a very physically bad rut, like not eating right or not enough exercise, or just a general "why me" attitude. It happens but 7 years, and no progress only tells me the root of the problem has not been found, or resolved.

I think you need a more honest talk with his doctor, and a closer look at both your habits over time.

I wish you could provide more details, and feed back, other than a one sentence statement from his doctor.

Maybe you're the one in the rut, as what is your life like as far as your daily routine?

Sorry the room mate comment is not enough to make me believe that that's the only issue, or the main one.