[frederickz]

My loverly 30 yr old daughter, now living with her engadged partner( I consider him unsutable for her) but keep this low key, I know she is nor in love with him, She feels safe , as they share bills, etc . Her work is as manager of security in large store, and she also works at night as door person . She is very actively artistic... making teddy bears, and selling them has ben in international magazeans 2 times re this , has ashow in London , re this , coming up. I just seem to make her cross, she never calls , I know she is busy , but , when she needs something I get that call, I had to bring her up alone , as her father and I divorsed when she was 15 mons old . He is not at all caring , living in Australia. We in U.K. I left Aussy , to further my studys , 25 yrs ago , in France , for one year, but was sadly not able to do so, as I had to put her first re shooling , so I didn't get to go to France . She has been back to her home , and can if she wishes but told me I keep her here, I havw all my family in that country . Her boyfreand id unwilling to leave his family . She shouts and tells me I'm all sors of nasty things , and is in conrole , I feel like I, am the child!! She said she loves me ,but is absent ! And never askes me if I amok ? I'm 65, and live alone . I do have interests , but I love my child , (I know she is 30) and grown up , very bossy , and I fear that the typ of work she is doing is , desentitv,ing?? Her feeling . She just doesn't like me! And its so sad, what can I do??
Antoinette.

[Jake2008]

It sounds to me like there are boundaries that have to be established between the two of you.

Some sort of an agreement for both of you to treat each other with respect, and like adults, not children. That means no name calling, insulting remarks, veiled demands, or pressure to comply with visiting, phoning, etc.

Because she is 30 years old and in a stable relationship, you not approving of her partner is likely one of the causes of the distance between the two of you. Keeping your opinions 'low key' I presume means that you make your opinion known what you think of him, and it isn't good.

No independent adult with an established life wants to hear that their partner is 'unsuitable', because that implies he's not good enough. That is something you are much further ahead not to even mention, and if he comes up in conversation, it is not an invitation to state your opinion of him.

He doesn't want to visit, thus she won't visit because of him not being welcome, and who can blame him.

Her screaming and yelling at you is something you do not have to accept. When it starts, recognize that it is getting out of control, and put an end to it with a simple "I do not wish to carry on this conversation", and walk away. Cool off, and come back with a calm attitude, not a combative one.

See if the two of you can agree to exchanging one email a week, to catch up on things happening in your lives, that you have a mutal interest in. Not discussions about her coming home, not discussions about you being lonely, or anything else that puts pressure on her. Keep it light, non-judgmental, and positive.

I think you are both stuck in a place where there is no compromising, because the behaviour happens over and over again between the two of you.

Be the bigger person here, and instead of finding reasons for her behaviour being unfair toward you, try communicating in a more mature, equal way.

She is an adult now, and has a life of her own which is not subject to negotiation. You don't have to accept all of it, but try to remain silent, establish some boundaries without pressure, and see if she isn't a little more inclined to communicate with you, in a more meaningful way.