[Skell]

You have some great advice here already Soul and I don't have much more to add really. These people are a lot smarter at me when it comes to wording there great advice.

One thing though that stuck out at me was that you think you will never break up.. Big mistake. She will leave you mate and never look back.

You can have all the intimacy in the world but if she wants passion then she will go and get it.

I also don't think you have fully forgiven her and in turn fully trust her for the past. It seemed to shine out in the tone of that paragraph.

In fact I agree with most of what Chuff says above. I know you don't, maybe one day you will! I think to overcome this you will have to accept a lot of things you seem unwilling to at this point.

You are very quick to jump on any advice or opinion that doesn't meet you / Sternberg's theory.

Sadly for you the love of your life isn't as hung up on this theory as you are! Therein lies a big problem, and one you must confront. You are already making steps. I hope you reach the top and we hear a happy outcome.

I do hope you go and see someone and resolve this. Because it seems as though you are a intelligent person and have a lot to offer and no doubt love this girl.

Good luck!

[Soul]

Dude, the thought of being gay doesn't appeal to me either but Wildcat is an expert. He usually hits on the head. Maybe he wasn't right here but I can tell you from my own experience that he didn't mean any disrespect. Sometimes people come on this board and they are in denial about whatever there problems are and the only way to get to them is with a slap of reality to the face. On my very first post on this board WC was the first one to respond and I did not like what he wrote. I did not like it because it was true.

May I ask what his credentials are in being an expert? Even if he truly is an expert with a masters or doctorate in relationships, he definitely come off as sounding very professional, especially in his first reply.

Well this sounds like a major turning point in the relationship. First you don’t trust her. You can say that you do but you don’t. I can tell just by the way your wrote on a break in quotations. The counseling sessions should also probably have been extended when this revelation came out but instead they were ended.

But this really wasn't a major turning point in the relationship. I trusted her fully before she revealed that to me, but afterwards, it took me a little time to forgive her, but I'm back at the point where I do trust her again. The counselling sessions were ended because I couldn't stand to face her for awhile (lasted only like a week), but of course our relationship needed a little time to mend even after I forgave her, but we weren't completely sure whether we were going to get together again, but we did... and because of that dragging on a little while, we never ended up continuing with the counselling sessions.

The thing is, everything would be hunky dory for long periods... weeks, and even months... but then her frustrations at some point escalates and she gets really mad and frustrated about this again. Yes, I know it's an ongoing problem that needs to be tended to, and just because it isn't constantly shown, it doesn't mean it doesn't always exist... but after we got back together that time, things "seemed" fine for a long time, so that's another reason that we ended up not immediately continuing the counselling.

You’ve never forgiven her. To be honest, I wouldn’t have either. I bet down in your sub conscious, or for that matter even in your conscious mind you think, why should I give you any love when you take it to three other guys. There’s not trust. Truthfully I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t trust her. But don’t deny it. Don’t lie to yourself about it.

I can see why you might think this, but the thing is, our relationship has been like this a long time, and NOT only since she told me she slept with other guys.

What you're saying is perfectly fine, and you might be wrong, in that maybe there IS something wrong with me, but at least you're addressing it in a way that is helpful and considerate, unlike Wildcat21.

Okay, your not gay. Although you seem to be hung up on it for some reason.

Not sure how this relates to my quote, but... how am I hung up on it? Wildcat21 is insisting that I am gay, but I am sure I'm not, so I need to try and say something that might convince him, don't I? I hate these situations where you know for a fact what you're saying is true, but no matter what, people don't believe you and nothing you say will convince them otherwise.

Because she cheated on you. Three times. She broke that level of intimacy with three other guys. She broke that level of passion with three other guys. Don’t make excuses for it. Don’t deny it.

She broke the trust with those three other guys, but not the intimacy and passion. Once again, I didn't want to have sex with her long before she ever told me about sleeping with those three guys, so how could it possibility be related to that?

Well, the thing is, if we don't do anything about this, we probably won't break up, but we'll just both continue to be unhappy - her because I don't give her the attention that she wants, and me because I get forced into having sex unwillingly.

Again, your in denial. You will break up. She will do the breaking.

Believe me, I'm very much a realist. I'm not in denial. We've been together eight years, and I know how we both are. We have broken up and gotten back together probably a dozen times... sometimes the breaks are short, sometimes the breaks are longer... sometimes the reasons were small, sometimes the reasons were big... but each and every time, neither of us can stand staying apart from the other permanently.

We are very, VERY intimate with each other... by that, meaning we are the absolute best of friends and like soulmates, and while we don't compliment each other very well in the passion department, we really don't want to lose our friendship with one another, and that's what keeps bringing us back together time and time again.

It's not a brag or anything like that... but last night, after she got really mad at me again, she said she won't talk to me for awhile... but she's already calling and messaging me again.

I’m sorry to say it but I think you’ve already broke up with her. Not physically but emotionally.

I would have to disagree... emotionally we're still very, very close, but physically - as in sex wise, we aren't.

[Soul]

Soul how old are you and how old is she?

How long have you being going out?

How long have you known each other?

I've already covered this, but I don't mind going over it again...

We're both 25 years old, with her being about two months older than me.

We have known each other for over ten years. Grade ten is when we became friends, and we quickly became best friends. We started getting a little physical a year later in grade eleven, even though she knew I was infatuated with her best friend at the time. Apparently my girlfriend did already like me then, but I have to admit I never had passion for her then either, but we were already being very cuddly, and several times it led to making out. We both should have stopped it, but neither of us could.

At the beginning of grade twelve, after the girl I was infatuated with started going out with one of my friends, I decided to give my girlfriend a chance... so we got together... and we've been together since then, except for some breaks.

[Allheart]

Soul,

I can tell you are very upset about all of this which is understandable. The sooner you find the answers the happier you will be.

Please realize when folks ask questions, they are trying to help. Reading typed words is hard, so forgive me if I am wrong, but you get defensive very quickly and that is probably because all of this is so upsetting for you, which is very understandable.

[s_cianci]

I suppose it all boils down to whether you are being fair with her or not. Obviously she's more attracted to you in a sexual manner than you are to her. You've already admitted to masturbating to pictures of models you've gotten online. That's a very small step away from actually cheating with a live person, which I believe you're likely to do given the circumstances, despite your "companionate" love for her. Certainly it's possible to like someone as a companion without feeling sexually attracted to them. But, out of all fairness I'm not sure that it's a good thing to have a relationship with someone like that.

[Soul]

You say you are okay without the passion/intamacy ( go ahead and nit pick again :), but do you really know that, when in truth, this was really your first relationship. How do you know that one day, some years down the road, you will wake up and turn to her and tell her something is missing.

Well, in all honesty, I don't know that... but I don't think I would change my perspective on what I need to be happy with a relationship. On the other side though, I guess I can't expect her to change her desire to have passion to be happy with a relationship either, so this is what needs to be worked out.

Another related thing is, yes, I've never successfully courted anyone else before. The other girls that I liked before, I was always way too cautious and shy to go after them properly. Yes, I'm not very good with going after girls.

I'm not particularly good looking or anything, so there has only been one girl who has ever kind of "pursued" me, but I had no interest in her whatsoever, so that never went anywhere either.

With my girlfriend, it was different... there was no real pursuit or courtship... we just kind of went from being best friends to being a couple.

But... what if someone I find really attractive does come after me? I doubt that would ever happen, but if it does, I honestly don't know how I would handle that. In my mind, I would love to say I would never sleep with someone else, but being a realist, I can't say for certain I could resist.

That's not REALLY part of the issue though, but just something I have thought about.

[Soul]

Soul,

I can tell you are very upset about all of this which is understandable. The sooner you find the answers the happier you will be.

Please realize when folks ask questions, they are trying to help. Reading typed words is hard, so forgive me if I am wrong, but you get defensive very quickly and that is probably because all of this is so upsetting for you, which is very understandable.

Sorry if my words are coming out as being exasperated or mad. Asides from my original couple replies to Wildcat21, I have been trying to reply with a very good attitude.

I appreciate the help that I am being provided with, some more so than others. It shouldn't be much of a surprise for me to say that you have probably been the most helpful and understanding thus far.

[Allheart]

Soul,

You do have a great deal of issues to work through and you are very wise to do that now.
Soul, what you don't realize is that you not being sure that you could resist someone if you were attracted to them and they to you... IS most definitely an issue and one that is very concerning. I am also concerned with your self-confidence as well, "I'm not good with the girls and I am not particulary good looking". Need to work on that Soul, about how you view yourself.

Bottom line... You are doing the right think in seeking some serious soul searching and professional guidance. Not only for you but your girlfriend, who you say is your soulmate.
Soul, if you love her the way you say you do, there is no way, ever, you would even have a doubt that you could resist someone else.

I just point some of things out to hammer home to you that it is time to work on these issues with someone who specializes in this field.

I do wish you the very best. It is important that you follow through with your decision to seek professional help.

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing.

[Skell]

Being understanding isn't what you are after. Help is what you are after.

You have answers to everyone's suggestions and advice. If it is all so great and everything is working as you say then why isn't it in actual fact.

Why aren't either of you happy.

You can go on with all your theories o intimacy, passion etc but the bottom line is you aren't happy and nor is she.

Doesn't sound like it is going very far to me. You would have to admit that two parties in a relationship that aren't happy isn't exactly the formula for a long and loving life together?

If you have all the answers and have tried all options then perhaps your next step is consider the fact that the two of you may just not work in a relationship and ending it and moving on!

I hope it doesn't come to this but unless something is done about by you, and by you in a hurry you won't be the one doing the ending.

[Soul]

I suppose it all boils down to whether you are being fair with her or not. Obviously she's more attracted to you in a sexual manner than you are to her. You've already admitted to masturbating to pictures of models you've gotten online. That's a very small step away from actually cheating with a live person, which I believe you're likely to do given the circumstances, despite your "companionate" love for her. Certainly it's possible to like someone as a companion without feeling sexually attracted to them. But, out of all fairness I'm not sure that it's a good thing to have a relationship with someone like that.

What you say is definitely reasonable.

As for being fair or not... I think it's probably a two way street, and as has been mentioned previously, the situation itself is not very fair for either of us.

Yes, when there is a difference in sexual desire between the two people, it is a problem... but which side is the one at fault? The one desiring it too much or the one not desiring it enough?

We probably have sex about twice a week... and if I recall correctly, that's about average for people in general, isn't it? So am I being unfair to not give her more than average, or is she being unfair to demand more than average? Both?

Yes, I do masturbate to pictures of models and stuff... but there's nothing wrong with this, is there? Don't many people fantasize about others while having sex? The counsellor that we went to seemed to indicate masturbating to others is perfectly normal, and is more so just masturbating to the image of them, not the person itself... so it isn't the same as actually sleeping with someone.

As I said earlier, no... I honestly can't guarantee I wouldn't sleep with someone else if the chance came up, BUT... I don't think that situation will ever arise, and I will certainly not proactively go after anyone to have this happen, so this could possibly just be a moot point.

[Soul]

Soul, what you don't realize is that you not being sure that you could resist someone if you were attracted to them and they to you... IS most definitely an issue and one that is very concerning.

I agree it's not a good thing, but it isn't anything too out of the ordinary, is it? I'm sure there are a lot of people that are the same - which is why so many people have affairs. I'm not trying to rationalize or justify it to be okay just because others do it. I just say I'm unsure because I'm trying to be as honest as possible and because it has never happened to me, and possibly never will, I don't know how I would react. Hey, maybe I would actually be able to resist when the moment comes... I just don't know.

I am also concerned with your self-confidence as well, "I'm not good with the girls and I am not particulary good looking". Need to work on that Soul, about how you view yourself.

Again, trying to be as honest as possible, I am not a very good people person. I have trouble communicating with anyone that I'm not very close to, and especially girls that I like. Realistically, I'm not particularly good looking. I'm not ugly or anything, just not anyone that would stand out.

[Soul]

Being understanding isn't what you are after. Help is what you are after.

I know. I did tell Allheart he was being both understanding AND helpful.

You have answers to everyone's suggestions and advice. If it is all so great and everything is working as you say then why isn't it in actual fact.

Why aren't either of you happy.

You can go on with all your theories o intimacy, passion etc but the bottom line is you aren't happy and nor is she.

Doesn't sound like it is going very far to me. You would have to admit that two parties in a relationship that aren't happy isn't exactly the formula for a long and loving life together?

I never said all is great, and I know we're both not happy. That is why I'm here.

We aren't happy because we have a difference in sexual desire.

I'm happy with how things are, but she isn't. She wants more sex.

What makes me unhappy is that she wants more sex, and gets upset at me for not giving it to her.

This is really the only problem we have in our relationship. She says if I can give her enough sex to satisfy her, then she wouldn't mind me masturbating.

But the thing is, I'm not masturbating INSTEAD of having sex with her. Even if I don't masturbate, I still don't feel like having sex.

Everything else in the relationship is very, very good... it is just this issue of sex that is a problem.

If you have all the answers and have tried all options then perhaps your next step is consider the fact that the two of you may just not work in a relationship and ending it and moving on!

I hope it doesn't come to this but unless something is done about by you, and by you in a hurry you won't be the one doing the ending.

Well, that's what I need to speak to a counsellor for... to determine whether anything can be done to resolve the sexual libido difference. If the answer is no, then maybe we will have force ourselves to end the relationship.

[valinors_sorrow]

Soul - I think I understand your thinking on intimacy v. passion after reading through this thread. Please correct me if I am wrong too - I have nothing to offer here but insight and it won't be worth much if it isn't accurate. I've seen a lot of relationships in my time, mostly through having friends. You two remind me of some who just recently broke up after ten years - he cheated. Not saying you're going to, okay?

What I predominantly see here, granted it's a limited view, is you two both settled for "second choice" back there. Some tiny fear said you might not get anyone so you settled for close but no cigar. And it was close too, which made it that much easier to settle for. She settled for someone who doesn't share her attraction, doesn't look at her and melt and so she's exempted herself from that whole mmmmmmmm I want you thing! You settled for a really eclipsed sex life that you've almost turned into something as meaningful as wolfing a fast meal since you committed to what is essentially your best friend who doesn't understand the need for solo sex very well. Its pretty subtle and you both probably hide it well from each other but I believe its mutual. For now. The problem is it doesn't stay that way over time. The odds are that one of you will, at some point, meet "first choice" however and find that experience so compelling that all bets are off then. If any of this fits...

I would prefer to see you both get more honest with each other and do what is best before that happens. I tried, desperately even, to get my friends to do just that. They are not people who were accustomed to telling rock bottom truths much and when I would reframe some of their bs, they would laugh but it went no further. And sadly he met someone. And it blew up in everyone's face. Sad.

That you are open to some counseling is why I am making the effort here to post. That shows promise. I can only tell you from my experience that I not only married my best friend but he is the hottest man I know. So we have our own little love triangle going -- friends, lovers and spouses LOL and on any given day, two out of the three may not be pumping on all cylinders but to miss out on what glorious love making is when its both your friend and lover is to miss the point completely in my view of it. You two deserve full throttle happiness and it would be a shame to see you continue sacrificing umm how did that quote go... "Sometimes the good is the worst enemy of the best?"

Just some thoughts to do with what you will... I hope they are helpful. And if not well at least they were free. LOL

[chuff]

May I ask what his credentials are in being an expert? Even if he truly is an expert with a masters or doctorate in relationships, he definitely come off as sounding very professional, especially in his first reply.

You know I don't have the slightest clue what his educational credentials are.

Here's what I do know newbie. If you want to get advice from some prof. that provides you with theories that don't translate to real life as it appears you do then go to school. If you want a man who has struggled to learn the differences between the sexes and in relationships and apply them to real life, and publishing a book on it then Wildcat is that man.

Here's what I also know newbie. I know I've gone back and read Wildcat's advice in many different situations regarding many different people and thought about how they've applied to my situations in the past and realized how many mistakes I've made and I've learned from them.

Here's what I also know newbie. I personally came to this website after getting jerked around by woman for a couple of months, and in reality for most of my adult life by many other women and instead of giving me a bunch of sugar coated answers like I got from my friends Wildcat told me the truth. He told me what my problem was and then told me how to change it. WC also got me to realize that women think so much different then men, and how to read there signals.

Here's what I also know newbie. Wildcat has taken time out of his life to educate, motivate, help, and counsel many people sometimes individually through personal interaction beyond this website.

Here's what I also know newbie. Most of the people who come to this website live in a fantasy land. They watch television and movies for there whole life and apply what they've seen there to real life and wonder how come it doesn't work.

I, along with those that are successful on this website came here an open mind. I didn't just show up here thinking everyone here was out to get me or show up with an attitude that if I don't like there answer I'm going to dismiss it because it doesn't fit the definition I want to hear. If you want changes in your life sometimes you have to accept that the way your doing things isn't working. You have to admit your wrong and be open to change. You have to start to get honest with yourself and drop the attitude and realize that others are willing to help you out if you give them the chance.

But this really wasn't a major turning point in the relationship. I trusted her fully before she revealed that to me, but afterwards, it took me a little time to forgive her, but I'm back at the point where I do trust her again. The counselling sessions were ended because I couldn't stand to face her for awhile (lasted only like a week),

My God your in denial. I don't care if you've never had a great sex life, you don't trust this woman. I don't blame you. You shouldn't. This jumped right out of your last post.

but of course our relationship needed a little time to mend even after I forgave her, but we weren't completely sure whether we were going to get together again, but we did... and because of that dragging on a little while, we never ended up continuing with the counselling sessions.

Relationships are not like wounds on your skin. Some things never heal. Cheating is one of those things. Cheating three times is even worse. Truth is she's probably cheated more but you will deny that. If this woman wants sex every day and you don't give it to her then she will find it somewhere.

You guys need the counseling, but I think you should get some by yourself without her. I think you might hold back from saying everything with her there.

I can see why you might think this, but the thing is, our relationship has been like this a long time, and NOT only since she told me she slept with other guys.

Was it always like this? I mean were the first two years good then the sex slowed down or was it just always like this? This is a serious question so don't go off about it but were you ever molested?

Not sure how this relates to my quote, but... how am I hung up on it? Wildcat21 is insisting that I am gay, but I am sure I'm not, so I need to try and say something that might convince him, don't I?

This relates to your quote because you keep bringing it up. He asked if you were gay and all you had to do was say no. You got extremely defensive in your response. Then you brought it back up again when it wasn't even a topic anymore.

WC was asking, not insisting. If you say your not gay your not gay. All were asking is that you answer the questions we provide so we can help you out. You have an attitude over this whole thing that sort of baffles me to be honest.

I hate these situations where you know for a fact what you're saying is true, but no matter what, people don't believe you and nothing you say will convince them otherwise.

I really didn't get that impression at all. Would you agree that we've got to ask you some questions to help you?

She broke the trust with those three other guys, but not the intimacy and passion. Once again, I didn't want to have sex with her long before she ever told me about sleeping with those three guys, so how could it possibility be related to that?

Trust is part of intimacy and passion. She broke it. Maybe your sex life wasn't great before but this sealed its fate.

Believe me, I'm very much a realist. I'm not in denial.

You are soul. Your in a sexual relationship in which you want no sex. I'm sorry but that's denial.

We've been together eight years, and I know how we both are.

Well here's what I know. I know she's not happy. I know that she covets sex from you and when she doesn't get it she finds it somewhere else.

We have broken up and gotten back together probably a dozen times... sometimes the breaks are short, sometimes the breaks are longer... sometimes the reasons were small, sometimes the reasons were big... but each and everytime, neither of us can stand staying apart from the other permanently.

Because you're the safety net. When the breaks happen she sees other people and when it doesn't work out with them she comes back to you because you'll at least be there. It stops her from feeling the emotional withdrawal of the other losses.

We are very, VERY intimate with each other... by that, meaning we are the absolute best of friends and like soulmates, and while we don't compliment each other very well in the passion department, we really don't want to lose our friendship with one another, and that's what keeps bringing us back together time and time again.

You said it. Your friends. That is what she sees you as. But you also give her attention so she has a reason to keep coming back.

It's not a brag or anything like that... but last night, after she got really mad at me again, she said she won't talk to me for awhile... but she's already calling and messaging me again.


I would have to disagree... emotionally we're still very, very close, but physically - as in sex wise, we aren't.

What I met by physically was as in physically in person. Not physically in sex.

I think you're her safety net. You have your breaks she comes back when she needs the attention or the other guys don't work out.

That being said, let me ask you why do you want this relationship? Are you more afraid of being alone so you settle for having someone, even if it's not at the level you want?

[Wildcat21]

Seriously - have you had your testosterone levels checked? I know guys with low levels don't want sex.

This is going gto be a deal breaker in any relationship.

[chuff]

Again, trying to be as honest as possible, I am not a very good people person. I have trouble communicating with anyone that I'm not very close to, and especially girls that I like.

Dude, I'm not going to B.S. you. I've noticed. Your defensive and angery at some of us for trying to help you out.

That being said, you recognize this is a negative trait you have. You can fix it.

Realistically, I'm not particularly good looking. I'm not ugly or anything, just not anyone that would stand out.

First women go for guys with confidence and personality over looks. Howard Stern doesn't have women show up to his studio willing to undress because he's a great looking guy.

You come off as angry, short, and defensive in these posts so I imagine that is evident in your life as well. That is what is going to turn off a woman. Not your looks.

[talaniman]

Soul, You come off as very intelligent, but you have no empathy. You must feel what another is going through and be willing to give of yourself to do what it takes to make them happy. No clinical definition will take the place of feeling what your partner is about. You have explained and analyzed everything that is written, but the meaning of those words seem to be lost. To write off her feelings, wants, and needs, in such a cold manner and not take them to heart is disrespectful in a committed, healthy relationship. You have a lot of growing to do so get out of the books and talk to your female about your FEELINGS and HERS. And pay attention, the solution to your problems is right in front of you, work together to be healthy and happy. You have to give of yourself, and if whacking off means she can't get her 20 minutes then stop it. If a counsellor helps you see how selfish you are then get one, now and take her too. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship work, so get busy.

[Soul]

What I predominantly see here, granted its a limited view, is you two both settled for "second choice" back there. Some tiny fear said you might not get anyone so you settled for close but no cigar. And it was close too, which made it that much easier to settle for. She settled for someone who doesn't share her attraction, doesn't look at her and melt and so she's exempted herself from that whole mmmmmmmm I want you thing! You settled for a really eclipsed sex life that you've almost turned into something as meaningful as wolfing a fast meal since you committed to what is essentially your best friend who doesn't understand the need for solo sex very well. Its pretty subtle and you both probably hide it well from each other but I believe its mutual. For now. The problem is it doesn't stay that way over time. The odds are that one of you will, at some point, meet "first choice" however and find that experience so compelling that all bets are off then. If any of this fits....

Hmm, that is some good insight worth contemplating. Thanks for the taking the time to write the reply. :)

[Soul]

You know I don't have the slightest clue what his educational credentials are.

You didn't comprehend what I wrote correctly. I wasn't suggesting that he is an expert or not based solely on educational credentials... although most established professionals probably would have a masters or doctorate in the field.

What I was rather trying to ask is, exactly what makes him an "expert"? Is he considered an "expert" in relationships in general, or just on this forum?

Here's what I do know newbie.
Here's what I also know newbie.
Here's what I also know newbie.
Here's what I also know newbie.
Here's what I also know newbie.

Gee, you sure think highly of him. You're getting pretty defensive and antagonistic towards me not placing a high value on his opinions.

Wildcat has taken time out of his life to educate, motivate, help, and counsel many people sometimes individually through personal interaction beyond this website.

Hey, maybe he has done that, and maybe he really isn't a bad guy... but all I know his for ME, I don't believe he was very helpful, and I didn't particularly like his attitude.

I, along with those that are successful on this website came here an open mind. I didn't just show up here thinking everyone here was out to get me or show up with an attitude that if I don't like there answer I'm going to dismiss it because it doesn't fit the definition I want to hear.

I didn't come here with a closed mind either. I don't think everyone here is out to get me either. The only person I've been negative towards is Wildchild21, because I believe he is way out in left field. And it is not because he's the only one saying things that I might not want to hear. It's because I truly believe he isn't right about my particular situation.

If you want changes in your life sometimes you have to accept that the way your doing things isn’t working. You have to admit your wrong and be open to change. You have to start to get honest with yourself and drop the attitude and realize that others are willing to help you out if you give them the chance.

I never said I don't share any of the cause of the problem here. Once again, I have only given any attitude towards Wildchild21. I have been very courteous and professional with everyone else here.

I can see why you might think this, but the thing is, our relationship has been like this a long time, and NOT only since she told me she slept with other guys.

Was it always like this? I mean were the first two years good then the sex slowed down or was it just always like this? This is a serious question so don’t go off about it but were you ever molested?

I can't recall perfectly well, but I would probably have to guess that it was somewhat better initially, as in she didn't always have to initiate things, and that sometimes I may have been the aggressor. Perhaps that may have lasted a year or two? I honestly can't remember that well however.

No, I was never molested.

This relates to your quote because you keep bringing it up. He asked if you were gay and all you had to do was say no. You got extremely defensive in your response. Then you brought it back up again when it wasn’t even a topic anymore.

WC was asking, not insisting. If you say your not gay your not gay. All were asking is that you answer the questions we provide so we can help you out. You have an attitude over this whole thing that sort of baffles me to be honest.

When did I bring it up when it wasn't the topic anymore?

I thought it would be helpful to explain why I am sure I'm not gay, instead of just saying "No". Otherwise there would be no basis on whether to think I'm in denial or not. But if you seem to think that a simple "No" is better, then fine.

No, I'm not gay.

I really didn’t get that impression at all. Would you agree that we've got to ask you some questions to help you?

Sure, that's not a problem. I don't even have a problem of being asked if I'm gay or not. It was the WAY that Wildchild21 asked that I had an issue with. He wasn't just simply asking it. It was more so implying or even suggesting that I am.

Trust is part of intimacy and passion. She broke it. Maybe your sex life wasn’t great before but this sealed its fate.

Well, I believe trust is mostly a part of intimacy. You can definitely have passion without trust.

You are soul. Your in a sexual relationship in which you want no sex. I’m sorry but that’s denial.

Maybe the problem is I want to be in a non-sexual relationship then. Do all longterm relationships and/or marriages have to be sexual?

Well here’s what I know. I know she’s not happy. I know that she covets sex from you and when she doesn’t get it she finds it somewhere else.

I agree that she's not happy. Well, she has promised me she won't deceive me anymore, and right now, I'm going to trust her more so out of our friendship. This is probably why she is as upset as she is, because she isn't straying to get the sex she wants.

Because you’re the safety net. When the breaks happen she sees other people and when it doesn’t work out with them she comes back to you because you’ll at least be there. It stops her from feeling the emotional withdrawal of the other losses.

Well, it's not like she is always going out with other guys whenever we go on breaks. Yes, she did sleep with three other guys, but she never took them or others on as boyfriends.

That being said, let me ask you why do you want this relationship? Are you more afraid of being alone so you settle for having someone, even if it’s not at the level you want?

I want this relationship because I like the intimacy with her, because we have been best friends for ten years, and I don't want to lose that. I also value being able to be as comfortable as I am with her, which is something I don't have with others. As I said before, I'm not much of a people person, and I have problems socializing and feel awkward just conversing with people a lot of the time. Yes, this is another completely separate problem, but I'm just explaining why I value having that level of intimacy and comfort with my girlfriend.

I just know I would much rather be with her than not.

Sure, the ideal relationship would be to find someone that I could be just as intimate with, plus the passion... but I don't think I would be able to find someone like that. It's possible I could find someone that I am more attracted to, but I doubt I would ever have the same level of intimacy.

So basically, I would rather have the extremely high level of intimacy and low level of attraction, than a moderate level of intimacy and a high level of attraction.

[Soul]

Seriously - have you had your testosterone levels checked? I know guys with low levels don't want sex.

This is goin gto be a deal breaker in any relationship.

Well, we originally thought maybe my testosterone levels were low and I had low sexual drive... but in our initial counselling sessions, our counsellor didn't believe that is the case, since I do masturbate.