[starcrazy]

Here's my story,
I've been with my ex for 7 months he cheated on his 3yr relationship with me & left her for me I didn't find this out till later and made him spill it all. We moved passed it and he continued to lie and talk to females online and back home.. I found out and confronted him, I soon left him for 4months and we met one day at a friends house and he begged me back and promised he would do everything in his power to show me he was serious about us, erased his myspace, Yahoo accounts and would show me text msg;s and let me know where he was going or what he was up too...

Everything seemed perfect I started to trust him & it really did feel like he was trying and wanted to be with just me... but now he is deployed to Afghanistan and I can not shake this uneasyness of his past... I feel as though he will cheat & he knows I have no way of finding out since I'm back here in the states... He promises to me on the phone when he calls that I'm on his mind every second of the day and no one will ever pull us apart again.. he tries to reassure me that he wants a future with me and a family and has even planned a trip to rome when he gets r&r in a few months...

My deal is I want to trust him SOO bad, I do believe him when he calls and tells me I'm the girl he wants to be with... but there's something telling me that I shouldn't trust him as well... God I love this guy but am I just staying with him because he;s deployed and I would feel so horrible if I did leave him because I can't trust him while he's deployed.. I have NO IDEA what to do, I also don't want to tell him about how I don't trust him.. I have brought up me feeling uneasy about him being there sooo much before he deployed and he is so stressed out with doing missions there and working all the time that I don't want to case more stress of me not trusting him... I feel stuck and confused and A WHOLE YEAR of not seeing him is SOOOO long. I would stay with him no problem if he never cheated on me before but he's lied and cheated that I don't know what to believe now... PLEASE PLEASE help.

[Gemini54]

Well it's pretty simple really, but it's also really difficult.

You have to make a choice.

You can choose to believe what he's telling you and weight it up against how he has behaved lately - when he's been truthful.

Or,

You can choose to believe your fears and weight it up against how he has behaved in the past - when he's lied.

If you honestly love him, then perhaps you need to put fear aside and give him the benefit of the doubt. A year's deployment in Afghanistan is a big job to take on, and he will need your support.

Instead of wondering how you're going to manage for a whole year without going mad, why don't you take it week by week, day by day, bit by bit. Just see how you go.

A year can go past really slow if you're worried, but it can go past really fast if you're happy and confident.

See what happens when he has his R&R and unless he gives you reason to think otherwise, really make an effort to believe that what he's telling you is the truth.

[talaniman]

Of course your worried, that's a fact, and since he cheated on someone with you, and after he was with you, it will be in the back of your mind until you can let it go. That's takes time, and not made easier since he is deployed. Just more to worry about.

Don't get carried away by all those negative thoughts though, and try your best to have a good happy life, to balance all that fear, and worry.

[starcrazy]

I don't know if I can trust him.. I want to stay with him but no matter how hard I try and just believe him I just worry.. he hurt me so much in the past I'm scared I might find out he might cheat again, I don't even know how to go about talking about this with him while he's other there all stressed out and he says he really needs my support and he's just looking forward to coming home to me...

How do I feel comfortable again.. Im worried about him meeting someone there and lying to me about it.. I've been deployed and being away for so long guys have 'sex buddies' and there wives or g/f's never know when they return.. he's lied before and cheated so I don't see what would stop him again... but he tries to reassure me so much that I do want to see where our relationship goes when he gets back.. ahh this is confusing...

I want to just leave him a lot of the times and start with someone would would never take me for granted but people make mistakes and I believe in people when they want to REALLY change, but how can I tell if he really is going to be 100% loyal?

[artlady]

I don't know if I can trust him.. I want to stay with him but no matter how hard I try and just believe him I just worry.. he hurt me so much in the past im scared i might find out he might cheat again, I dont even know how to go about talking about this with him while hes other there all stressed out and he says he really needs my support and hes just looking forward to coming home to me...

How do I feel comfortable again.. Im worried about him meeting someone there and lying to me about it.. ive been deployed and being away for so long guys have 'sex buddies' and there wives or g/f's never know when they return.. hes lied before and cheated so i dont see what would stop him again... but he trys to reassure me so much that I do want to see where our relationship goes when he gets back.. ahh this is confusing...

I want to just leave him alot of the times and start with someone would would never take me for granted but people make mistakes and I believe in people when they want to REALLY change, but how can I tell if he really is going to be 100% loyal?

There are never any guarantees in life or relationships.Love is the biggest leap of faith there is .

I was with a cheater and I tried my darnedest to forgive and truly put it past us but try as I might I found I could not do so.

In the end my stress and the feeling that our foundation had crumbled prevented me from total forgiveness.

Bottom line,if he is going to cheat,your worrying and stressing is not going to change it.You are just tormenting yourself.

I agree with the advice already given and suggest that there is no quick fix to make you regain trust.

[talaniman]

Quote from another thread
I never once cared until I got into his myspace which he had on auto login he msged a few girls saying he was single and there were no decent females where he was at and he wanted a gf..etc I confronted him and lost it... we had a LOONG LOONG and plenty of talks as to why he felt the need to constantly have attention from other girls and talk and flirt behind my back..

If this is what's happened fairly recently, it's a deal breaker. If this was the past, you should have been gone.

Details make a difference.

[starcrazy]

If this is whats happened fairly recently, its a deal breaker. If this was the past, you should have been gone.

Details make a difference.

No that was in the beginning of our relationship I had broken up with him for several months and lost contact with him, after we met up several months after that he's been trying to prove to me he wants to make it work...

[talaniman]

That's fair enough, thanks for clarifying that for us. But if you have forgiven him, and he is trying his best to prove himself, then its on you to make the effort on your part to support that change.

It's a big mental, and emotional challenge to you, not to get carried away by those feelings, and act, or say, anything impulsively.

Concentrate on being a good partner, and seek out ways to balance your life with good people, and activities, you enjoy.

Our whole mental aspect is what makes everyday something to look forward to, so when those dark thoughts enter your mind, make it a point to physically do something positive, especially for yourself. Be it talking to a friend, or polishing your nails.

No friends? Make some. Join something, or volunteer, or be creative with a hobby.

In these ways you can harness your time and energy in positive ways and be happy and GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU DO HAVE.

Happy people don't have time to dwell on the past, nor let it effect them doing their thing, and enjoying it.

Something to look forward to, eh?? That's your key. Find your thing and enjoy it.

Your partner will love it when you have a happy, positive attitude to share with him, and so will others around you.

[starcrazy]

I sure will, but something that bothers me greatly is one of our past conversations where he told me he had a problem with lying constantly with all his past g/f's and he just didn't want to be 100% honest with his lying or cheating, he just didn't want to 'hurt' me by telling me what he was doing.

Admitting to me that he can't help to lie makes me feel very uneasy when he says sweet things to reassure me... I hate thinking that "im different" because that is the stupidest thing in the world to think and then boom the obvious happens.. but his effort and actions with telling me about who is contacting him or calling him... ect sort of proves to me that he is actually trying for HIMSELF and not just for me to be in a committed relationship for the first time..

Him flirting with 'foreigners and trying to gain confidence' by chatting inappropriate online and calling these females and sometimes meeting them is what he's done in the past probably with all of his ex's... I won't allow this and since he's on the other side of the world with a laptop and no girlfriend there it drives me nuts..

God I will never EVER understand why men and females cheat when they 'claim' they love there partner who devotes so much time & energy and emotion into being with them... how do they get caught feel like crap and have the NERVE to do it again after promising and begging... bleh..

[RedBluePink]

A year is LONG for you to stress over. You could end your loses now and start fresh with someone who hasn't betrayed your trust and move forward with a new guy.. or just put some faith that your current boyfriend will respect your relationship enough this time to do the right thing when your not around. If he can be faithful while being deployed that should sure make you believe him when he tells you he wants to change..