[ohhhkay]

Recently I've learned a lot about my boyfriend's past relationships and sex life. He lost his virginity at 14, was in a 3 year relationship in high school, and had a one night stand in college. Along with that he used drugs quite heavily and didn't get his G.E.D. until he was like, 22? Okay, well the drugs and G.E.D. thing don't bother me as much as his past relationships. When I was 14 I didn't even know what sex was and I have never had a serious relationship, I dated a guy for a year but when I reflect on what that relationship meant to me it wasn't "love". This girl he dated for 3 years, the more we talk about her the more I realize that he's still hung up on her, well in a way he's never dealt with those feelings (he is now 26). I am his first "girlfriend" since her and the one night stand, totaling 10 years of being single, excluding the one night stand. I learned that they did some sexual things (at age 16) that I strongly disprove of. How can I get over his past, or should I just call it quits? Because at this point I am so tired of fighting about it and thinking about those disgusting things he did with her and I don't want to be the "sloppy seconds" and live in her shadow, but that's how I feel at this point. I feel like the only way I can get over that is if I did those same sexual things with other people because I don't want to give him my "firsts" and not receive them back, but I know that's really ridiculous. He says he's committed to me, I don't doubt that. But I do doubt that he isn't fully over her, and that he still thinks about her. I don't think about my "first" as far as taking my virginity unless someone bluntly asks me about it. I caught him in a lie the other day about it and that made me doubt him even less. I guess I could say at this point I've lost my trust in his word, not only because he lied to me, but because I feel like he is hiding something, or avoiding something, and with all this fighting that we're doing I've just lost all belief in him. Not to mention I can't stand him anymore, everything he does is annoying. I just have so much hatred towards him. How come I am so upset about his past and he doesn't even ask me about mine? I told him it was a cop out so that he doesn't have to deal with what I am dealing with, my belief is that if we're going to get married blah blah we should know these things about each other.

Thanks.

[Cat1864]

How old are you?

You do not have to know every single detail of his past especially since it upsets you so much, He doesn't have to know every single detail of your past. It sounds like he is more secure in how much he cares about you and the relationship than you are.

I wonder if the 'lie' was because he didn't want another fight or to feel defensive about his past.

IF you can't sit down and have a mature conversation with him about both of your concerns (him not being over the ex, possible lying, etc. )-NOT DETAILS about positions or acts-where you both LISTEN to what the other person is saying as well as get a chance to voice concerns and issues, then you need to think about letting each other go to find more suitable partners.

If you sit down and talk (maybe with a counselor), you may find that you are the one who is fixated on the past relationship. If that is the only real relationship he has had and that is where he got the bulk of his experience, then it is natural that discussions about what he has done go back to her.

You either need to let go of the anger (maybe with therapy) or let go of him. He deserves to be with someone who cares more about him as the individual he is now than the relationship and sex he had in the past. You should be with someone who has less experience than you, if you can't accept your lover's past as being past and enjoy what that experience brings to your relationship.

One more thing: No Trust=No Relationship.

[talaniman]

While I think your making way too much of this, I do agree things should be talked about before any future can be seen.

The problem is if your going to discuss things, you have to have an open mind, and accept that this was done before you. I doubt seriously if he is still hung up on a person he was with as a teen ager though, and think its you who are making it seem more than what it is.

There are no quick fixes, or easy solutions you come to by talking together, because there has to be time for thoughts and adjustments that need to be made.

I think since you seem to be freaked out by his revelations, and not at all open minded, (just my opinion, sorry) you had better back up and examine your own feelings, before you judge his.

If you cannot, and are having such a problem with not only his past, but his present, then your not that compatible, nor willing to work through it.

Cool off, and re evaluate this for a bit, before you make an impulsive decision. Honestly, I wouldn't be as forthcoming about anything that I knew it would tick you off, and cause problems either, again, just my opinion.

Just because you don't understand his view, doesn't make it wrong does it?

[ohhhkay]

I am 20.

Thank you to you both, you both have some really good advice.

[Cat1864]

Here's something to ponder:

That advice comes from having a husband who has a lot more experience and relationships than I will ever have or have ever wanted. I have treasured 'my firsts' that I have shared with him. In a way they are his firsts too because they are the first time with me. That makes each experience unique to us as a couple.

I can give him things that none of his other relationships ever could-me and my love.

I sincerely hope that you can find peace in yourself to have an open mind and heart where your partner is concerned.