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loanbarn · Jan 31, 2010, 06:22 PM

My daughter is 28 and went through a divorce because her husband cheated on her.I was there for her but did not sway her decision,I left that to her.I have 2 grandchildren whom I love dearly.my daughter got involved with a guy who I see as a loser as he sat and watched us carry heavy boxes and on another oacassion did not carry her heavy bags.he smokes dope,and has no jobok this is my point of veiw on him.my daughter will not let me see my grandchildren,she is nasty and says bad things,she has even called the police on me because I contacted her to ask if I could see the kids.how do I cope?this has never happened to anyone I know

justcurious55 · Jan 31, 2010, 07:09 PM

Did her behavior start when she started seeing this guy? How clearly did you make your views of him to your daughter? (he does sound like a loser) and how old are your grandchildren?
It's awful, but sometimes you just have to let people have their space. I hope that your grandchildren are old enough to realize that you're still there and you love them. Otherwise, you can only hope that as they get older they'll understand.

My aunt goes through a regular battle every few weeks or so with her son. He has a lot of issues. On good weeks, she's the best and he's so grateful for everything she's done to help him and wants her to babysit. Then he'll turn. And suddenly she's the worst and never does anything to help him and he's never going to allow her to see his children again. Sometimes you just can't win.

Venting helps a lot. Feel free to stick around and talk about things here. We've got some really great members, some of which have gone or are going through the same thing as you.

loanbarn · Jan 31, 2010, 07:17 PM

Yes it did start when she started seeing this guy.I have made it clear that I don't like him.maybe I should have kept my opinions to myself but I just couldn't.now my dad seems to blame me and is not interested in what I have to say.I sometimes get to speak to the oldest grandson he is 11 but my granddaughter is 6.she told me before christmas that she is not allowed to talk to me or she will get taken away and never see her mum again.she should not even know anything about this.she also says she does the housework because she wants to not because this guy tells her to.

justcurious55 · Jan 31, 2010, 07:29 PM

What? Why does the little girl think she will be taken away?

It's hard to keep your mouth shut when it comes to people you care about. Hopefully your daughter will com to her sense though and realize that you care about her and your grandchildren. Do you think apologizing to her would help things? I don't think that you necessarily did anything wrong. But it seems like, at least to her, you voicing your concerns was wrong. Maybe something along the lines of "who you date is your business and i'm sorry for not respecting your choices. can we put this behind us?" ? Even if this guy is a loser, it is her choice if she wants to waste her time with him or not. My aunt also had issues with her daughter. To this day she still isn't quite sure what her daughter was so angry with her about. But she apologized, her daughter accepted the apology, and to this day, they're still pretty close. He isn't abusive towards her and/or the children, is he?

loanbarn · Jan 31, 2010, 07:34 PM

I have heard that he is but I don't know for sure.there are other issues also like his best friend is on the sex offenders list for interferring with his own kids.I told my daughter this and she already knows this,and he is round her house.I have also told her no matter how nasty she is to me I still love her.she won't even talk to me.she just runs away,or slams the phone down.

justcurious55 · Jan 31, 2010, 07:47 PM

Wow. Having someone who's best friend is a sex offender around changes things in my book. And if the rumors of abuse are true... that's no good. Can I ask where you heard he is abusive from? And do you know whether the sex offender is definitely coming around?

loanbarn · Jan 31, 2010, 07:50 PM

I heard through my son who has contact with her.yes and the boyfriend takes the kids to his.I have been in touch with the appropriate bodies but I have been told its up to my daughter.I just hope that nothing happens.I just want to protect my daughter and the kids,but some see this as interferring.I have to let go and let her get on with it.

justcurious55 · Jan 31, 2010, 07:54 PM

Now can I ask, who the appropriate bodies are? I realize it's totally possible, but I'm hoping that it wasn't cps and that they didn't give such a lame response. I hope nothing happens too. It's hard, but yes, sometimes you do just have to let people go. You've let her know that you love her and will be there for her. Sometimes that's all you can do.

loanbarn · Jan 31, 2010, 07:56 PM

It was the social work dept.the cps are keeping an eye on things as the sex offender is known to them.thank you for talking to me.I am off to bed now but would love to talk again,your support is appreciated.will be back.

justcurious55 · Jan 31, 2010, 08:08 PM

Have a good night. I feel better knowing that at least cps is keeping an eye on things. Looking forward to seeing you back here later

Jake2008 · Jan 31, 2010, 09:12 PM

What a horrible position to be in.

Don't convicted sex offenders have to not associate with children under a certain age, and they cannot be near schools, parks etc? I'm presuming he is a child predator, I may be wrong, and also wrong about the restrictions. But, regardless, I would check and with the local PD on information, or how you can gain information on this man's status, if possible.

I think too that your granddaughter living under the threat of being taken away from her mother if she talks to you, indicates something serious is going on there. That threat is very effective in keeping kids quiet and I wouldn't doubt illegal activity going on in the house with the boyfriend. The boyfriend, and his relationship to his friend, likely means the police are keeping an eye on more than the friend.

I am only speculating, but there seems to be a domino effect here from the boyfriend, all the way down the line. Your daughter is most likely getting the brunt of it. Where does their income come from.

If you suspect that there is drug use going on in the home, report it to the CPS. That is a very unhealthy environment for children, especially when it is paired with a convicted sex offender.

I think you need to look beyond the hurtful comments and actions of your daughter, and ask yourself, why would she close you out of her life, if not to keep the peace with her drug using, unemployed boyfriend. She is probably doing what she is right now because she may not see an alternative. She may think that she is in too deep to get out, she wants to keep the peace, and in so doing she is protecting her daughter. I'm just saying that may be why she has changed so suddenly.

Can you establish grandparent visitation in your State?

Does her ex husband have visitation? If so, you might want to have a heart to heart talk with him, for their sake. Maybe his parents too are missing their grandchildren.

I hope you keep posting and we'll all see if we can put more pieces together and come up with some suggestions.