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anotherheartbreaker · Dec 9, 2009, 09:09 AM

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago and I must admit that it didn't end very well. We dated for a year and the ending was quite nasty and I'm still very much surprised she was that abusive. My situation is kind of unique as I'm her team lead and I have to liaise with her on a daily basis to get the things done. How can I practice NC in this kind of mess? I still think of her though. Please tell me what can I do to get over her.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2009, 09:17 AM

You keep business, and pleasure separate, and be all business, and professional around her. That's all you can do. Exclude her from your social life altogether.

Its going to hurt a lot for a while, but you will adjust to it.

anotherheartbreaker · Dec 9, 2009, 09:26 AM

I've seen a lot of people in this site getting healed by sticking to NC where else in my case it is just impossible since I have to work with her everyday. This is definitely going to be a hard bumpy road and I'm beginning to wonder will I ever get over her.

I wish · Dec 9, 2009, 09:44 AM

It's all about will power at this point. You're going to have to learn how to separate business and pleasure.

This will go a long way in your development as a person and how you're going to enter the working world.

Treat it like a growing experience, rather than a dreadful encounter with an ex.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 09:50 AM

You will-we all do,concentrate on the job and keep contact to a minimum. And make sure you have plenty of things going on in your life to keep you busy,that'll stop you from overthinking your workday.

anotherheartbreaker · Dec 9, 2009, 10:14 AM

Man, this is going to be hell of a ride. At times I seriously wonder whether will she think or even miss me after she dumped me. I didn't take the break up like a man initially and pushed her really far away by acting like a needy, desperate, clingy puppy. Silly uh? Well, she deleted all my contacts after my wonderful clingy, desperate behavior and I'm not sure if she was trying to help me to heal since she no longer has feelings for me. Eventually I took up the courage to delete her contacts too. Now I wonder if we will ever be friends again.

amicon · Dec 9, 2009, 11:07 AM

Don't worry about any future friendship,chances are once you're over her you won't want to be her friend.
Put all your efforts into getting over her and getting your life back together.

rainlover · Dec 9, 2009, 11:15 AM

I'm in a similar situation, I can totally empathize. It sucks. Time is the only thing that will help, and concentrating on yourself. I know it's hard. As for viewing the situation as an opportunity for learning lessons, I have learned a ton. Number 1: Don't date anyone you work with. I know that's something I will never repeat, the potential cost is too great. Lesson number 2: Listen to your intuition. I'm sure there were several times that you had a feeling that your relationship wan't quite right. I know I did and chose to ignore it. Also, it always hurts when we hand over our hearts to the emotionally incompetent. I know that next time I will be more picky. Wish you the best...

anotherheartbreaker · Jan 29, 2010, 04:59 PM

I ain't sure how to put this but I'm sure I'm not over her yet. When I hear her voice, I could still feel the cut. Not that I want to be with her but I get so irritated when she laughs and talks. Why is that so? When I ran into her, I pretended that I didn't see her. I ain't a bad guy myself but somehow I just can't face her yet. Did anyone of you go through the same thing? Call it a hunch but I recently suspected that she has already started dating someone new . I ain't a stalker myself but the thoughts of hanging near her house and look at the car that picks her up kind of overwhelming. Should I do that for a proper closure?

dlowell08 · Jan 29, 2010, 06:38 PM

I feel you anotherheartbreaker. I go to school with my ex, she lives a floor above me. So, I don't see her as often as you see your ex, but still I probably see her a good 3-4 times a week (plus her friends who I stopped talking to, in total I see people I don't want to see like 10 times a week).

I've made progress and had drawbacks. I have never intentionally broken No Contact, but sometimes when I see her walking by or hear that she is going to a party or something I feel sort of like the way people describe their feelings after they break No Contact. I honestly get really irritated when I hear her as well. I think what it is is both of us just want to heal, and move on from her clutches, but every time we try to go forward she has to talk in front of us or laugh or something, and we interpret it as her purposely trying to set us back and keep our mind on her.

What I suggest is a good break to keep things in perspective. I went home for winter break, and I have to say, hanging out with people you know won't bring her up and not worrying about having to see her is really a great feeling. You start remembering who you were before her (except with some valuable lessons). I've been going through some drawbacks since I've gotten back to school (I will be happy for days at a time and think that I have finally turned the corner, and then one of them will walk in front of me talking to their friend or even to me and it will all come back). However, I know at the bottom of my heart that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because I've seen it and felt it. I highly suggest finding something where no one knows her and devoting time to that, because it will help you realize that while she can make you irritated sometimes, the only person who really controls your emotions is you. She can try to bring you down (or even if she is not doing that and you are just interpreting it as such), but you know what? You have to get mentally tough at this point. You have to say, eff this, I am taking control of my life, right now. Channel your anger into something constructive like going to the gym and when you are done you will feel good and know that ultimately, you are in control of how you feel.

Sorry if I rambled on there.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 29, 2010, 09:36 PM

In no ways should you be a supervisor for a ex ( and should have never been a supervisor of a wife)

You talk to your company and have her moved to another team where you don't have to deal with her on a day to day basis

anotherheartbreaker · Jan 30, 2010, 07:44 AM

dlowell08, it's true enough that every time I put a step forward there's some kind of setback waiting for me at the corner. And gosh! She will laugh kind of loud when chatting with someone over IM and every time she does that, I will get pretty irritated and her images will stuck in my head for the entire day or maybe two. I've tried to stop these noises from passing through my ears by plugging in and volume up the music. Does it mean that I'm no longer in love with her? I must say that she's pretty annoying to me now even tho' I think of her every now and then and how wrong this relationship was. Why does she need to do that? Just to prove to me that she's moving on and happy about her life? Is there anything I can do apart going for a long break since I cannot afford it due to my work?

talaniman · Jan 30, 2010, 08:18 AM

Patience, and an active social life after work.

dlowell08 · Jan 31, 2010, 02:01 AM

anotherheartbreaker. It means she wants you to know she's okay. Which means she isn't. Because if she was, she wouldn't go out of her way to let you know she was.

I am in the same boat (to an extent). It is hard to get over a situation when your ex goes out of their way to try and keep you there. But actually, it might be easier, because it gives you a lot of perspective. Knowing what kind of person who would actively try and kick you when you were down makes it easier to see the true colors of that person and stop viewing them through tinted glasses. So while we get irritated, I think it is because we are irritated that they are still playing these stupid games and trying to keep us down, because we desperately want to move on. If that is your attitude, you will be fine, trust me. You might need to weather a bit of a storm while she tries to bring you down, but stay above that, don't let her get to you, and eventually you will be back to normal. The only thing holding you back is her. Funny because in a way that sounds like my ex (and probably yours) when I was with them too.

anotherheartbreaker · Jan 31, 2010, 06:48 AM

I'm very sure she is way over it and pretty much moved on without any issues or regrets at all. She's been chatting up with guys, making plans after plans, trips after trips, which she hardly did when we were dating. I was always the one planning out our dates and she told it ain't her style to plan all these when I confronted her. Look at what she's doing now! I have to agree the only thing that's holding me back is her and I can't even understand how can a person detach themselves emotionally in such a short period. I've been dragging myself to work every day because of her. Imagine I have to see her five days a week, hear her voice... Man! How can I heal completely? I can only save my sanity when I'm not at work. Her presence does have a little impact on what's going on in my head. Sometimes it drives me a little crazy. Man, I've got a serious s* to clean up and this ain't good.

amicon · Jan 31, 2010, 06:55 AM

On a practical note,what can you do to have either her or yourself transferred to a different team or office?

anotherheartbreaker · Jan 31, 2010, 07:59 AM

It's kind of hard to get a transfer. Is there anyone here managed to get over their ex who works in the same company? I really need this magic potion to get over her. It's driving me insane.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2010, 08:52 AM

There is no such thing as magic pills, or potions to help you through this.

The reality is your still letting her live rent free in your head, and that makes you miserable. Your driving yourself insane, poor guy. Man up, and change your own attitude, from seeing what she is doing, to paying attention to what you are doing.

Your making this a high school drama that doesn't need to be such. Yes it will take longer than most to get over this female because she is there everyday. Deal with it, and quit the crying. That only makes things worse, and puts a pity pot attitude on you. Focus on your work, and your other work mates, and their attentions, and not on hers.

It may not be easy, so what? But don't make it harder than it has to be. Its so easy to blame her, but its you who has to get busy with actions, and not excuses.

vanheart · Jan 31, 2010, 10:07 PM

Yeah, a good lesson to use your gut.

Work hard like before she was your thing. But this time, be professional.

NC is going to start by you doing your job and doing hers.

Everything else is done.

Don't get into anymore trouble and sacrifice your livelihood over this.

anotherheartbreaker · Feb 2, 2010, 09:13 AM

I think I have my closure now. It took me so long to figure it out and yes she is dating someone new. I'm like many of you who are curious about what's going on with our ex's life... to some certain extend. And man! What's more painful than seeing her newly posted picture in her Facebook with that dude in it! I could feel my heart is being ripped again. D*! And that dude is kind of rich! Argh, that hurts my ego... I guess this time round it's easier for me to let go and move on. Is it easier for you guys to just move on when you found out the person your ex is dating?