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Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:15 AM

I'm looking for advice on how to get a married woman to leave an abusive relationship she is in. Background to the story is I went through a bad break up myself. She was there to comfort me in my time of need, and we started talking. We continued to talk on an almost daily basis about everything. And I slowly fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.

She would tell me how much of an her husband was and how I was what made her truly happy. Fast forward 15 months and she finally told him about us. He broke down crying and begging her to stay because he would truly change. She left for a few days, but desperately wanted to see her children, so she went back. At which point she said that she truly realized how much she missed him and how she was going to make it work.

She said he told her that he would quit smoking and they would go to counseling and all that jazz. She said she believed him and wanted to try and make it work.

I love her with all my heart, and if I truly felt she could be happy there I would be able to let her go much easier, but as it stands I'm scared she's going to go back to being miserable and is only staying there to try and make it work for her kid's sake.

I just wish there was something I could do, so I'm asking for advice. I've already told her I'd always be there for her.

I'll comment more to explain anything if there are questions.

Thank you.

Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:17 AM

She would tell me how much of a jerk her husband was*

Just a little edit

J_9 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:24 AM

There is nothing more you can do. She is married, she is off limits. She made her choice to go back. All you can do is move on now.

I wish · Jan 28, 2010, 08:30 AM

Married = Off limits

Respect their marriage. Let her handle her own problems. It's not your responsibility. Don't be known as a guy who breaks up marriages.

Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:32 AM

Even though the change is a complete 180 from what she told me two days ago? Meaning that I drove up to see her because we lived in separate states.

When she left him 5 or so days ago, I went up and stayed there with her for 3 days. She told me she loved me over and over again. That she'd love me forever.

Then when she saw her kids and his family was there to talk to her as well, a gamble he made I'm sure, she talked to me for about 2 hours letting me know she wants to try and make it work with him. It's just a complete 180 of how she was acting just a day prior :(

Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

Married = Off limits

Respect their marriage. Let her handle her own problems. It's not your responsibility. Don't be known as a guy who breaks up marriages.

Even though he mentally abused her, and will continue to do so? :(

J_9 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:36 AM

Unless you witnessed this, it's just heresay. You don't know this for a fact.

Also, she chose to return. This is a choice she made. Whether she missed him or the kids is a moot point. Not to be harsh, but she chose him over you.

HistorianChick · Jan 28, 2010, 08:36 AM

Unfortunately, you should not help her leave her relationship. What you are involved in is an affair - it may not be physical, but it is an affair.

She is married. She is not available. Period. My one rule for relationships is: If a man/woman is in a relationship/dating/engaged/married, he/she is not available. Period.

You need to leave her alone and let her fix her problems. She needs to be a big girl, find a solution to her problems, and deal with the outcomes/consequences.

You should not be involved with her.

Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:41 AM

I appreciate the answers, truly. I know I'm being stubborn in my ways, for that I apologize. It just hurts... a lot. We shared so much. I've seen how he treats people, I've heard how he talks to her.

He didn't allow her to hardly do anything without constantly checking on her. If she got a text he would immediately ask who are you texting? If someone would pay attention to her, he would immediately give them a glare and become extremely close to her. Back in the past when they first started dating he was going to kill a guy because the guy said she had a nice in a joking way.

Once again, sorry for being stubborn about this. I just want everything out on the table. It helps to speak my mind. Apologies if I'm making anyone frustrated.

J_9 · Jan 28, 2010, 08:45 AM

You aren't making us frustrated, but you have to understand that this is her life. These are choices SHE made. You have to accept that and move on.

I know it hurts, but rejection is not pain free.

HistorianChick · Jan 28, 2010, 08:52 AM

You're not frustrating us... believe me, we get some frustrating posters... but you are not one of them. You're working out the problem and asking for help.

Yes, it hurts. It hurts that she put you in this situation. It shouldn't have gotten to this point. If she was serious about leaving him, she would have left him.

People do what they want to do. Sometimes, we need a little support, but ultimately, we make our own decisions.

You need to let her make them.

Lovestruck0987 · Jan 28, 2010, 09:25 AM

I appreciate all the advice you are giving me, it's a great help. I do plan on letting her make the choice on what she plans to do. If I tried to control what she does I would be no better than her husband.

That being said, I don't want to abandon her to her fate, because if it doesn't work out and she realizes what she is, she truly would be stuck because she'd have nowhere to go.

I guess what I'm saying is, time will tell what will happen. It could work for me, or it could not. I just don't want to give up until that last shred of hope is gone.

Does that make me a little pathetic? Heh =/

I wish · Jan 28, 2010, 09:28 AM

As a friend, you can suggest to her that she calls the police if she's been abused. But at the end of the day, it's her choice on what to do. She has to take care of herself, it's not your responsibility.

She's also free to leave the marriage if she believes that it's no longer working. So if she's still sticking around, it means that she still has some hope that they can work it out.

Either way, let her handle her own problems and you go on with your life.

Cat1864 · Jan 28, 2010, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by Lovestruck0987

I'm looking for advice on how to get a married woman to leave an abusive relationship she is in. Background to the story is I went through a bad break up myself. She was there to comfort me in my time of need, and we started talking. We continued to talk on an almost daily basis about everything. And I slowly fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.

You are too emotionally involved in this. You have latched on to her as your support during your bad break-up and now you want to be her 'knight-in-shining-armor'. I am not certain that she needs one.

I know what you say she has told you and what you think you have heard. I have a feeling that there is a lot more about their marriage that you don't know. She carried on an emotional (at least) affair with you for 15 months. How many other times has he had to worry about where her 'feelings' are taking her? He may have some jealousy issues. However, she has some fidelity issues.

You need to leave her alone and let yourself finish healing from your break-up. Before you say, "But I have," think about how you got involved with her immediately after leaving the previous relationship. I think the only reason it has lasted this long instead of being the 'classic rebound scenario" is because she hasn't been truly available to be in a relationship with you. She is 'safe' for you to desire, but she isn't yours. You don't have to deal with her on a day-to-day basis or the rest of the drama that comes with building a relationship together. You have only been borrowing her emotionally. You need to find someone who is free emotionally, mentally, and physically to build a relationship with you.

Even if she left him today, she would need time to heal from her marriage breaking up. IF she leaves him, it should not be because she has a ready-made relationship ready to go. She needs time to be on her own to know what she needs. She doesn't need to put her baggage on someone else. She needs to deal with it.

Quite frankly, she needs to put the energy that she has been putting into playing with you back into her marriage. If she had, would it be as bad as she says it is? For that matter did you meet her husband before any of this started? Since you live in different states, how did you meet her?

amicon · Jan 28, 2010, 10:24 AM

You should also realise that there are children involved and they must be her first priority.

She either works on her marriage or eventually decides to go for a divorce.

In either case you should step back and let her make her own choices.

HistorianChick · Jan 28, 2010, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by Lovestruck0987

I appreciate all the advice you are giving me, it's a great help. I do plan on letting her make the choice on what she plans to do. If I tried to control what she does I would be no better than her husband.

That being said, I don't want to abandon her to her fate, because if it doesn't work out and she realizes what she is, she truly would be stuck because she'd have nowhere to go.

I guess what I'm saying is, time will tell what will happen. It could work for me, or it could not. I just don't want to give up until that last shred of hope is gone.

Does that make me a little pathetic? Heh =/

One quote that a wise poster (Tal) told me long ago... when I was going through an emotional upheaval: Never make someone a priority in your life when, to them, all you are is an option.

You're an option to her. I'm not saying she's evil or consciously using you, but it's the truth. You are an option to her; she is a priority to you.

Just keep that in mind.

CarrotTalker · Jan 28, 2010, 12:28 PM

You need to give her space and leave her alone. You are part of the problem with her relationship by acting as an emotional outlet, when she needs to be communicating with her husband for that.

You sound infatuated with this woman, you need to step back and think why, find the good/bad, and find another woman with characteristics that fit you well.

I don't want to abandon her to her fate, because if it doesn't work out and she realizes what she is, she truly would be stuck because she'd have nowhere to go

You are not abandoning her, you are letting her go free. There are many options for someone like her to seek counseling, that is somewhere she can go.