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Jake2008 · Jan 25, 2010, 07:58 AM

Good for you for speaking to him. Calling off the engagement is a good thing!

Why do you feel stuck? Isn't this what you wanted?

helpless92 · Jan 25, 2010, 08:04 AM

No I mean he said that we've already gone ahead with the engagement and instead of breaking it we need to work on making it better! He thinks if we talk more and maybe spend time I'll get feelings for him. I don't think he wants to end it that's why I'm stuck. I want it to end!he doesn't seem to want it to end-it's as though he's okay with me not having any feelings for him!

Jake2008 · Jan 25, 2010, 08:11 AM

Oh! Sorry, I misread that didn't I!

It doesn't seem like he's getting the message then. If you want to end it, what is the worst thing that could happen if you just told him flat out that the engagement is off.

redhed35 · Jan 25, 2010, 08:13 AM

I'm afraid I know very little about your culture,but it would seem logical that if your parents made the match,perhaps they are the ones to speak to his family?

There's always a way,and I'm sure this is not the first time this has happened,the best way is to try and get your parents to understand,they love you,and want the best for you,and I'm sure they want you to be happy.

Cat1864 · Jan 25, 2010, 09:41 AM

Is he an US citizen or is he working/going to school in the US? Would you be expected to live in the US after your marriage?

Do you know what arrangements have been made for the marriage? What each family is supposed to be getting out of it besides him getting a wife?

helpless92 · Jan 25, 2010, 11:05 AM

Yes he is a US citizen, living and studying there. Yes of course I'd be expected to live there.. but no one is sure as to when that would happen

Justwantfair · Jan 25, 2010, 11:17 AM

This is definitely a cultural issue and the times of picking your own suitor are not customary of your culture.

Although I think you are receiving support in trying to be an individual in this, your culture and traditions do not support this. I think you need to look at this as a process, it has been carried out for generations previous to you. It's a foundation of obligation as opposed to love/romance, but with a ready heart, you can make the most of your situation.

It is doubtful that you will be supported by either family in your refusal to want to proceed with the marriage. It is a tradition that they are accustomed to and believe readily in.

I think it's time to look at a brighter side and try to make the most of the arrangement.

Cat1864 · Jan 25, 2010, 11:48 AM

I agree with Justwantfair that this is a cultural issue. I think you should look at what marriage would be like for you in Pakistan compared to the US. Have you looked at the differences between the two countries and what would be expected of you as an individual in each one.

If you have any questions about life in the US, please ask.

Jake2008 · Jan 25, 2010, 01:04 PM

You would have a much better chance at freedom in the West.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2001/jan/29/pakistan.islam

helpless92 · Jan 26, 2010, 06:11 AM

I don't have any issue as to getting married and living in the US. Plus I have family there so I know how life would be like. It isn't totally wrong in our culture to have a love marriage-in fact it does happen quite frequently.
The only issue I have is that I'm not happy and I can't be forced into something like this. I really have spoken to the guy, all he wants is for me to give it time. This is making me more upset as to him not understanding my feelings or what I'm going through. Of course for an engagement to break would be something nobody wants but if the circumstances are such, isn't it best to end it now and to stay away from regret and heartbreak later on in life knowing this is the wrong thing and not wanting to go ahead with it but still doing it without any feelings?
I'm still young, I want to have the chance to live my life before getting married and I would like to marry someone I care about, not just to someone I feel I have to because there is no other choice. That isn't fair. If we don't talk on the phone or have any type of communication I'm totally okay, it doesn't bother me at all. That isn't normal and to be stressed about getting married, that sure isn't something you hear of everyday.

helpless92 · Jan 26, 2010, 06:13 AM

I don't miss the guy, we barely have anything to talk about, there isn't any urge as to want to talk to him and share stuff with him, these things should come naturally shouldn't they? I mean getting married is a huge deal and just going along with it for the heck of it just doesn't sound right =(

thisisit · Jan 26, 2010, 07:30 AM

No, it doesn't sound right to me either. But what are the alternatives? What is the worse thing that will happen if you tell your parents you don't want to marry this man, and they accept your decision? You say you can't be forced into a relationship you don't want, you want a chance to find a man you love, you want to live a little before you marry... What is the worse thing that is going to happen if you say NO, you are not going to marry him?

helpless92 · Jan 26, 2010, 08:31 AM

I feel as though I've done everything I can. I've talked to my parents, I've talked to the guy. It seems apparently no one is concerned.
I know my parents want what's best for me but in this I feel that they're wrong, I've told them I don't want to marry him etc- nothings happened, nothings changed =/
I'm even surprised at the guy, wouldn't any normal person be like you know I really wish it would work but if you're not happy it would be best to end it now to avoid future problems and to live in the MAYBE state. =/ if I was in his place I know I would.
I don't understand as to how he can be so calm about all this =/

Cat1864 · Jan 26, 2010, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by helpless92

I feel as though i've done everything i can. i've talked to my parents, i've talked to the guy. it seems apparently no one is concerned.
i know my parents want whats best for me but in this i feel that they're wrong, i've told them i don't want to marry him etc- nothings happened, nothings changed =/
i'm even surprised at the guy, wouldn't any normal person be like you know i really wish it would work but if you're not happy it would be best to end it now to avoid future problems and to live in the MAYBE state. =/ if i was in his place i know i would.
i dont understand as to how he can be so calm about all this =/

I am curious as to why he is getting a wife from Pakistan. Quite frankly, I think he has ideas of what a wife raised in the traditions and values of Pakistan would be like versus a wife raised in the more permissible culture of the US would be like. I think it is less about you and more about the ideal that he has in his mind.

I think at the very least you need to have more contact with him. Emails, letters, phone calls, etc. would help both of you get a better picture of what the other person is like. I think both of you need a better idea of what the other expects in a marriage.

helpless92 · Jan 27, 2010, 09:03 AM

To Jake2008. I read the article and honestly these type of things-beatings and being sold by your family only happens in the villages and in the more poor part of the country. My parents would NEVER do that. This is mostly done by the illiterate and poor people. And Im not part of that type of a society or living between those type of people. I think it would be okay for me to say that Im pretty well educated and so are my parents so I don't have anything like that to worry about :) People have freedom here too, but probably not as much as in the west.

Jake2008 · Jan 27, 2010, 09:18 AM

Well, regardless of what part of the country you live in, you have an arrangement with the families, for you to marry a man you do not love. You worry about the consequences, and if you are so free where you are, what stops you from just saying no. You want to continue your studies, you feel weird around him as you say, you have no feelings for him, yet you are obviously pressured to marry him.

What are your options in your culture. What would happen if you told your parents that you do not want to marry this man. What are the consequences.

You are so young to be pressured into a marriage that is an arrangement. Your parents may be educated, but, forgive me for saying, I find that difficult to accept, that they would expect you to marry a man you are totally uncomfortable with, at age 17.

Yes, it is different. I am in Canada, and a friend of mine was expected to marry a woman he barely knew, because the families negotiated the chosen partner for him. He was very much pressured by the ways of the past in his culture, yet, educated and successful and knowing his choice was taken from him. It is a difficult position to be in.

But, from your original post, from my perspective, he does not seem like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I hope you can change the future that your family and his family, have decided for you.

bigNavySeal · Jan 28, 2010, 02:14 AM

I'm a "Westerner" (the Netherlands) living in Thailand, having some good Muslim friends from Thailand, and I have studied the Quran quite extensively. I'm not sure whether you're a muslim or not, but as far as I know Pakistan is mainly islamic and it sounds very much related to this kind of 'cultural/religious issue', if you may so call it.

You can argue whether the situation going on with you at this very moment is to be called 'you being married against your will', but the whole irony of the story is that even according to the Quran it is forbidden for men to marry women against their will (obviously visa versa too), as stated in Quranic Verse 4:19.

For me it's quite simple; you, in no way, want to marry this guy, yet you are (in a nice way) being forced to marry him, for whatever reason that may be (you just met him, still young, want to see the world, want to be free, apparently don't like him and don't want to give him a chance, your choice, done deal, end of story; you do not want to marry him). This should be clear, and no arrangement should ever be made, but apparently non of all parties involved, except you, understand that.

I suggest, that if they keep on misunderstanding or not wanting to understand you (as it seems from all your replies you've written), why don't you just point out this verse with some strong personal motivation/reasoning behind it saying that they're trying to marry you against your will... Since you and your family are educated (as you said), they might understand and besides you support it by traditional (religious) evidence... covering both sides of reasoning. Would that help? (FYI, I'm not a Muslim)

Good luck with sorting it out, cause I would never accept this (being binded for the 'rest of your life' against your will)

helpless92 · Jan 28, 2010, 03:14 AM

bigNavySeal: Your answer is something which is definitely helpful :) and yes I am a muslim so I guess in my case the verse would help.
as I have been keeping you all updated(and thanks a lot for your replies and help) the latest is that I spoke to the guy about everything and his response was that if I give the situation more time I would get okay with everything and if we spend more time together things would be okay blah blah. Then again I told him everything that I feel I'm too young, want to study and everything and he said that he needs to think about all this and that we'd talk later. The later hasn't come yet. I spoke to him 2 days ago and haven't spoken to him since. I emailed him twice, texted him twice but never got any response and nor does he come online where we chat-though I've seen him online on Facebook. I'm kind of scared as to what would be going on. Should I give him time or what? =/
maybe he still will decide that giving more time in this situation is better then to break it off? =/

helpless92 · Jan 28, 2010, 03:18 AM

To jake2008.. what happened to your friend who was pressured into the marriage?

bigNavySeal · Jan 28, 2010, 03:31 AM

I'm utterly bored with work so I might as well respond. First of all; so is the engagement finally off or not.. If not, is there already a date, if yes, what's the deal? Postponed to another date or indefinitely? What you mean in the end... giving more time then to break it off. Isn't that what you want? I would be utterly clear and tell him that you do not want to and will not marry him and that is the end of the story. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.