[LBee585]

Hi Everyone,
I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate any advice you could give me. I apologize in advance for the novel I'm about to unleash on you. My ex and I met almost 4 years ago on a summer resort island. He is from the UK and I am from NY. We bonded instantly and for 2 months we dated and lived in the "honeymoon" state. Once Sept came, he went back to the UK for school. We did a long distance relationship for that fall semester and then that spring, I did a study abroad/erasmus with him. He was a mature student (24 starting undergrad) and was hanging out with a lot of 19 year olds, who liked drama and were not kind to me at all. He realized soon that they were not his friends. Needless to say it was a difficult semester, not really knowing each other than moving in together. For the next year and half we did a long distance relationship again. Some fights and drama ensued, but there was love. He spoke of marriage and soulmates and children and a future. Finally, in 2008 he graduated and we moved in together in America. We were not ready for this big step, but at the time it seemed right. For a year and a half we lived together, and then decided to go back to the UK for our masters degrees. We would live with his parents and all would be well. I got there Sept 09, and while it was a hard transition (I was a bit homesick and not fitting in right away), we started talking about marriage, what we wanted in our future and he constantly told me how much he loved me. I went home to the US for Christmas break. He hid love letters in my suitcase to find when I unpacked, wrote me a Christmas card saying he couldn't wait until we actually had a Christmas morning together. Emailed many times a day telling me how much he missed me and loved me and wanted me to come home to him. Three days after Christmas on Skype he broke up with me. We had not fought for the whole time (3 weeks) I was home except for a spat about me keeping the room tidy the night before. In the beginning of the conversation, he was happy to see me, I told him I had booked my flights back to him that day and he insisted on picking me up at the airport even though it would be early. In the space of 10 minutes he had broken up with me. He wanted to cut of contact then. A week later he spoke to me on the phone saying that we were too different and we fought too much. I had to find new accommodation within a week and a half or I would not be able to finish my degree. He had gotten rid of Facebook a while ago because he thought it was drama central, but recently got it back and has begun adding every single person on the face of the planet. (People he thought were annoying and people he did not like). I've gotten back to the UK and we met up twice. Once for me to pick up my stuff at his house and another for lunch a couple of days later. Both times felt normal, we joked, quipped, and had easy conversation except for the "elephant" in the room. All my friends here were his, I'm so alone and so sad. I want this to work. I really do. What should I do... or really, what CAN I do?

[redhed35]

It does seem a little out of the blue,however mostly people don't end the type of relationship you describe on a whim.

If he wants out,there is really nothing you can do to change that.

Going no contact is the best way to heal,its been tried and tested and has the broken heart seal of approvel.

You need to sort out accommation,and find a new normal.

The relationship is over,you need to try and accept that as reality and find a way to move forwards.

[amicon]

For some reason,his feelings changed. I don't think it happened within the space of one Skypeconversation,rather,he must have been thinking about it for some time.

He more or less left you stranded accomodationwise in a foreign country-to me that says a lot about his level of maturity.

I think with time you will come to realise that you have had a lucky escape.


I would go total NC and never speak to him again.
He wasn't the man you thought he was.
Heal from the breakup-concentrate on your studies and try to move on.
Keep as busy as possible.

I hope you have managed to find somewhere nice to live and that you have some friends to help you through this.
Take care.





,

[LBee585]

Oh goodness, the NC! What to do though? We go to the same University and are in practically the same department. I got on campus housing which is next to his building. Some of my classmates are in his department and vice versa. He said he wanted to remain friends... but you're right. That's not healthy for me. Isn't it strange how much you think you know a person in and out? Swear to yourself that you are soul mates only to discover that you really didn't know them much at all?

[UnluckyDucky]

I completely understand... it seems like someone went into their head overnight and turned off a light switch somewhere. The truth is though they've probably been thinking of this for quite some time now and will typically use some arbitrary excuse to break up (or do something so you break up with them instead).

It's no longer about him or you two together - it is all about YOU now. Yes you! What he wants or wishes is of no consequence. You need to concentrate on yourself now and you need to do what's best for you and what will allow you quickly and fully heal your heart.

Since it seems as though you'll be running into him at least every so often, I highly recommend just keeping things quick and cordial but no interaction otherwise. Just a quick "Hi" and a wave if you happen to see him but if he attempts to pursue further conversation, make excuses that you are busy and on your way and leave it at that. Make your default answer "I'm busy". The most quick way to healing is basically disappearing from their lives - but sometimes that's unavoidable in certain situations so you have to do the best you can.

[vanheart]

Yeah, NC is going to be challenging. But the harder, the better and the faster you will move on.

Don't worry so much about seeing him. Be more concerned about how much you rock. Ya, know? Be cool and don't give a crap.

We all fight those reasons, but after all, the proof is already there.
Dig deeper and use that.

Just to learn for later and use your experience with these things. To become better. And connect. This isn't the end of the world. You have a long way to go.

These things happen. That's we we are all here, having our hearts broken. Things change. I was dumped over the phone too, w/o video.

Embrace it. Work & be patient.