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helpless92 · Jan 22, 2010, 09:41 AM

Im 17 years old and I've been engaged for almost 2 months now. It was an arranged marriage(that's what usually happens in my culture) I knew about the guy and was given about 1 week to get to know him through the phone since we live in different countries. He's 7 yrs older then me. In the beginning I was happy but recently ever since the engagement I’ve started to feel unhappy and depressed and I don’t feel happy at all. Its hit me now I guess. I want to continue studying-he says I could after the wedding but I know it won't b possible. I just feel weird about the whole thing and feel I'm nt ready. I feel weird talking to him and uncomfortable n don’t have any feelings for him either. Plus we met only for 3 days when he came for the engagement. He’s nice n all but I just don’t feel happy or ready. My parents think I’m stressed out and its natural what I'm feeling =/
I really want to end it but how? I don’t know how he will react, he seems understanding but I'm really scared. Plus a lot of family is involved so I don’t want any problems or blame. What to do?

lover_girl16 · Jan 22, 2010, 09:48 AM

I really an new at this bu ti give good advice... if you really like him and tell him that just don't push it and if your parents are making you, you can stop it I just recently broke up with my boyfriend and he was everything to me I miss him and he liked another girl anyway but I'm still hurt about it and I think you shoud make your dicision not your parents

helpless92 · Jan 22, 2010, 10:20 AM

I do think he's a nice guy and his family is nice too, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make any problems for my family or me. How should I tell him cause then he'l be like you said yes in the beginning =/

thisisit · Jan 22, 2010, 10:47 AM

Tell him you are 17 and you made a mistake. Tell him you only accepted the engagement because you felt pressured. You don't feel ready for marriage and you don't want to make an even bigger mistake by going through with a wedding to this man. Nice as he is... it would be an even bigger mistake to marry him when that isn't what you want to do and when it is something you don't feel ready to do.

Alty · Jan 22, 2010, 10:51 AM

What everyone has to remember when offering this OP advice is that this is a different culture, different rules, different way of doing things. In arranged marriages, the bride doesn't usually have a choice.

To the OP. Have you talked to your parents about this? When are you expected to marry? Surely not soon, you're only 17!

Alty · Jan 22, 2010, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by lover_girl16

please add me to your friends iim new at this and maybe you could teach me how to use this um website lol

Lover girl, this isn't a chat site.

In order to learn to use the site, look around, observe how things are done, read the rules and regulations etc.

Asking someone to add you to their friend list is not really accepted here. That's something you'd do on a chat site, which we're not.

Gemini54 · Jan 22, 2010, 02:49 PM

You need to be speaking to your parents. Yes, there may be a lot of people involved, and it may be an arranged marriage, but even arranged marriages (at this early stage) can be stopped.

Tell your parents what you've told us on this site - surely they don't want you to be unhappy? Since when is it 'natural' to feel unhappy, depressed and stressed about getting married?

Seventeen is very young to be making a whole of life decision, and your discomfort with this man does not bode well for a happy future. Speak to your parents honestly about this - even in your culture they can't make you marry against your will.

Of course breaking the engagement will cause problems, but both you and your parents need to weigh this against a potential life-time of unhappiness. Better you break the engagement at this stage, than break a marriage which would be much more humiliating for everyone involved.

It's only been two months, not two years. Be brave and speak with your parents.

helpless92 · Jan 22, 2010, 11:06 PM

I've tried speaking to them. The major problem is that they just don't UNDERSTAND or maybe they're not trying to =\
What they don't understand is to why I was happy before and now I'm not. They want some valid reason. I'm helpless. I want to tell the guy but it will be going against my parents but then again I have to live with him and not them.

jaysie90 · Jan 23, 2010, 01:37 AM

Maybe it would be best to let the guy know that you do not love him, are too young, and simply not ready to be married. If he's nice maybe he will understand. Then tell your parents about what you and the guy discussed.
Tell your parents you are completely serious, there are no feelings.
Good Luck!

Gemini54 · Jan 23, 2010, 04:08 AM

Originally Posted by helpless92

I've tried speaking to them. The major problem is that they just don't UNDERSTAND or maybe they're not trying to =\
What they dont understand is to why i was happy before and now i'm not. they want some valid reason. i'm helpless. i want to tell the guy but it will be going against my parents but then again i have to live with him and not them.

I would have thought that being 17, being unhappy and not liking your fiancée are all valid reasons? If your parents won't listen, tell the guy. In the end regardless of your culture, it's your life and not theirs.

helpless92 · Jan 23, 2010, 09:03 AM

How should I break it to the guy and actually convince him to end it?
Plus is it possible that he might not blame me for ending it or would he? I mean he's nice and understanding so is he likely to blame me for breaking it off?

helpless92 · Jan 23, 2010, 09:14 AM

Valid reason in the sense as to what made me change my mind from being happy in the beginning and now being totally depressed.
Plus how should I tell the guy? And is it possible that if I ask him not to blame me for ending it, he'll listen? He seems understanding but still..?

Gemini54 · Jan 23, 2010, 05:21 PM

Originally Posted by helpless92

Valid reason in the sense as to what made me change my mind from being happy in the beginning and now being totally depressed.
plus how should i tell the guy? and is it possible that if i ask him not to blame me for ending it, he'll listen? he seems understanding but still..??

I think you DO need to accept a little responsibility in this situation, and you do need to understand that some blame may be apportioned to you. Just talk to the guy! All you can do is ask him to be UNDERSTANDING of your reasons for ending the engagement - whether he blames you or not will be up to him. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get.

helpless92 · Jan 24, 2010, 05:42 AM

I just don't know how to bring the courage and to say it :( I'm really scared about the consequences and what would happen next.
maybe I should just stick with it in the hopes that I'll get happy? =/

Cat1864 · Jan 24, 2010, 06:17 AM

What country do you live in? What country does he live in?

helpless92 · Jan 24, 2010, 07:25 AM

I'm from Pakistan and he's from the US. We're both of the same religion though.
Does that make any difference?

Catsmine · Jan 24, 2010, 10:11 AM

Originally Posted by helpless92

I'm from Pakistan and he's from the US. we're both of the same religion though.
does that make any difference?

He may understand your reluctance, he may not. Neither of your parents are likely to understand. I am not sure whether your country will even permit you to question this arrangement. Many parts of south Asia do not.

Will you be moving to the US when you marry? Is that what worries you? Or is it that this is such a major change in your life?

Gemini54 · Jan 24, 2010, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by helpless92

I just don't know how to bring the courage and to say it :( i'm really scared about the consequences and what would happen next.
maybe i should just stick with it in the hopes that i'll get happy? =/

Er, "in the hopes that I'll get happy"?. please wake up - the rest of your life is a VERY long time. If you remain passive in this situation, then you will be unhappy for a very long time.

Every decision has consequences - what is happening to you now is a consequence of a decision you made.

What would you prefer? The long-term consequences of NOT following your own feelings or, the short-term consequences of telling people how you feel?

I can understand that you're afraid - but you're 17 and more than capable of telling people how you feel.

Jake2008 · Jan 24, 2010, 05:16 PM

Because the families have made the arrangements, I don't think they would be too happy if you spoke with your intended directly and called it off. That would be disprespectful.

IF you can muster the courage to tell your parents that you do not feel any love for him, even though you tried, and you are not happy, even though you thought you would be. That is the truth.

Not all suitors are matched with success. And it is unfortunate that you are in a different country while your parents make these arrangements. If they were choosing closer to home, you would at least have the option of spending one to one time with him to see if he is the one or not.

Regardless, knowing how you feel, and what your options are, I see no other way out than to tell your parents before this goes too far and you are stuck.

helpless92 · Jan 25, 2010, 06:18 AM

I spoke to the guy about the situation- the fact that I don't feel happy and everything else I wrote on this website.
He seemed to understand but was like we're done with the engagement and we need to look forward and that I need to give this situation more time and he feels that I will get feelings for him! I tried to make him understand that I'm not ready but he feels that since we're apart I'm feeling like this :( he doesn't seem willing to end it. I'M STUCK NOW :'(