[twirlingone]

I've been involved with an old friend (30 years) for about 7 months & we're each coming out of long term relationships: widowed and divorced. We've been having a lot of fun, traveling, going out, etc. We have much in common and generally feel comfortable with how things are going. My problem is that since I initiated our sexual intimacy, I feel sort of insecure. It's been 20+ years since I've been with anyone other than my former husband and it feels as though I've lost my sexual intuition, for lack of a better word. It gets awkward, feeling as though I need to ask if this or that is good, because I'm just not sure. He doesn't communicate much about what he likes/dislikes.

We're both talkers & can laugh in bed, so we're not too hung up. I think it's just me, feeling unsure about my looks, appeal, etc. I'm finding it difficult to know when I should try to have a conversation about our intimate relationship. I've assured him that I enjoy him, but I wonder if talking too much spoils the mood.

[tickle]

twirlingone, you sound like a sensible woman and I absolutely hear what you are saying but I have to agree with you, yes, talking too much spoils the mood. Just zip up and enjoy the moment.

Ms tick

[Jake2008]

I agree with tickle, he's probably not saying much so he doesn't encourage you to talk more!

What I would do, and I would feel exactly the same way as you do now, is wait for a quiet evening, just sitting around, and just ask him if he's comfortable talking about the sexual part of your relationship.

Tell him you are feeling insecure a bit, and want to please him, and you aren't sure if you're doing a good job or not.

I doubt that he'd say he'd rather have sex with a goat, but then he may not be totally comfortable talking about it either.

Give him time, and if he seems to be enjoying himself, and he's satisfied and happy, you have nothing to worry about.

[twirlingone]

twirlingone, you sound like a sensible woman and I absolutely hear what you are saying but I have to agree with you, yes, talking too much spoils the mood. Just zip up and enjoy the moment.

ms tick

Thanks so much! It seems silly to require so much feedback & I really don't think of myself as needy. This is unknown territory, but very pleasant, so I want to keep myself open to improvements, if that makes any sense!

[twirlingone]

I agree with tickle, he's probably not saying much so he doesn't encourage you to talk more!

What I would do, and I would feel exactly the same way as you do now, is wait for a quiet evening, just sitting around, and just ask him if he's comfortable talking about the sexual part of your relationship.

Tell him you are feeling insecure a bit, and want to please him, and you aren't sure if you're doing a good job or not.

I doubt that he'd say he'd rather have sex with a goat, but then he may not be totally comfortable talking about it either.

Give him time, and if he seems to be enjoying himself, and he's satisfied and happy, you have nothing to worry about.

This is so very helpful and reassuring; I believe you're spot on about his occasional quiet spells. He's had to guard his feelings for many years and I'm much more open. I will try to listen more and back off on the "Is everything okay?" questions!!

[smoothy]

Talking is fine... in fact its important to a great relationship.

However telling someone repeated what to do... when its not really welcome (even if they don't say so explicitly) is nagging. Same with asking them a question... if they didn't answer the first time maybe they didn't hear, twice and they shrug or don't answer maybe they don't want to answer (for whatever reason)... three or more times in a fairly short period is nagging. As an example... you ask if everything is fine... (thats ok) and they say "nothing" or "forget it"... but if you ask again in 5 minutes later that's nagging.. but if you ask it the next day or even much later that day... its fine.