[katielee84]

I have a concern and a recent worry that I'd like to get some feedback on. I'll try to supply as much information as I can. I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now (we're both in our mid-20s). He's my first long-term boyfriend. I had boyfriends in high school, but my current boyfriend is my first truly serious one, and I've known for a while that he is the man I would love to marry. We've talked about marriage, and I know that he wants to marry me to. We haven't really talked about a specific time frame, just talk about in the next "couple of years." We have a wonderful relationship, have a lot of goals in common (family, both hard workers/career minded), and in a lot of ways we seem ideal for each other. I know that he loves me. We have the normal relationship conficts and minor arguments every now and then, but nothing that would lead either one of us to question our love for each other or question the fact that we want to marry and pursue a life together. I'm confused because I'm feeling ready for marriage, and he keeps being vague about the fact that he doesn't yet feel ready; always making it clear to me that it has nothing to do with how he feels about the relationship or how he feels about wanting to marry me "someday." It's just that he doesn't feel "ready" right now. I question him about it, but he shuts down and has gotten angry at me for my pressured questioning. I'm confused, and starting to wonder how long I should wait for him to be ready? I can't imagine being more ready, and don't know what he expects to change for him, so that he too can be ready. That's confusing! I know this is a somewhat vague question, but any advice would be helpful because I'm starting to get nervous. Thanks

[I wish]

Marriage is a huge step and there shouldn't be an absolute deadline to get married. You get married when you're BOTH ready to fully commit.

If you still have doubts, then continue to build a stronger relationship, until those doubts have gone away. Lay out the issues and work on them one-by-one as a team.

If you don't feel or see any progress in repairing those doubts, then it's time to reconsider the relationship.

[amicon]

Have you talked about getting engaged?
And does he give any particular reasons for not feeling ready?
I would say that your communication about this matter is neither open nor straightforward,which makes me wonder if there may be other issues in your relationship that are not being discussed either.

[Ithappenstoall]

Mid twenties, Have you considered maybe he is not financially ready to take that step? I understand that you both want this but two people loving each other isn't everything. You need to know that you are ready and he is. The reason I say this is that I am in a similar situation , my girlfriend is telling that she doesn't want to wait 3-4 years to get married. She doesn't want to wait until she is 25 (which is not bad at all), and this is pushing us apart because she doesn't want to move from that decision. So my advice is if you believe that this is important to you now to get married early, you need to consider what he is saying, because maybe you are thinking out of emotion and he is being rational. He loves you he really wants those things as well, I know I do. But guys need to know that they can provide and support their future wives, and not still be living of their parents when they are married.

[katielee84]

Have you talked about getting engaged?
And does he give any particular reasons for not feeling ready?
I would say that your communication about this matter is neither open nor straightforward,which makes me wonder if there may be other issues in your relationship that are not being discussed either.

We've talked about engagement, but he's "not ready." You are right that I'm starting to doubth whether I'm getting the "whole story" because he is so vague about his lack of readiness. I've been patient, but now I'm beginning to have doubts about whether everything is as "great" as I thougt it was. His lack of readiness doesn't have anything to do with financial. Actually, he's doing really well at his job. I do believe that there is no reason to rush into marriage, but after 4 years, shouldn't we both be a bit more certain? I thougt I was, but because of his lack of certainty, I'm beginning to doubt my own. If he does want to spend the rest of his life with me, as he says he does, why is he so hesitant to get engaged and set a wedding date? Is it a man thing? Everyone has doubts... but I just wish I could get him to better verbalize those doubts! Thanks...

[Cat1864]

Everyone has doubts...but I just wish I could get him to better verbalize those doubts! Thanks...

Try taking a step back from 'marriage' discussions and try talking with him about 'communication' issues. Let him know that you feel there are concerns that aren't being dealt with. Try not to let accusations or personal defenses turn it into an argument. Take turns talking and listen to each other with an open mind (just like you want the other person to).

Try not to use accusatory sounding phrases like 'you make... ', 'you do... ', etc. Do try to use phrases like 'I feel... ', 'I am concerned... ', etc.

Good luck.

[Devorameira]

Four years is long enough for him to know, and I think that even though you love him, it may be time to be honest with yourself. You want marriage, and he doesn't sound like he does. It might be time to move on, or decide if you can give up getting married to be with him.

IF I were you, I wouldn't sacrifice my dreams and vision for my life for him. You deserve more, and you deserve someone who you don't have to wonder about.

Try to talk to him one more time. You need to be clear with him that marriage is important to you. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but you do need to let him know that if he doesn't want to get married or doesn't want to get married to YOU that you need to know. If he doesn't want marriage I'd say it's time to move on. Good Luck!

[CanIBuyAClue]

Mid twenties, Have you considered maybe he is not financially ready to take that step? I understand that you both want this but two people loving each other isn't everything. you need to know that you are ready and he is. The reason i say this is that I am in a similar situation , my girlfriend is telling that she doesn't want to wait 3-4 years to get married. She doesn't want to wait until she is 25 (which is not bad at all), and this is pushing us apart because she doesn't want to move from that decision. So my advice is if you believe that this is important to you now to get married early, you need to consider what he is saying, because maybe you are thinking out of emotion and he is being rational. He loves you he really wants those things as well, I know I do. But guys need to know that they can provide and support their future wives, and not still be living of their parents when they are married.

Haha, I wish girls thought like us guys. My ex broke up with me because I wasn't ready for marriage totally based on I wasn't sure if I was ready to financially provide and take care of her. She saw it as I doubted our relationship and got out. Women...

To the original poster, there is no perfect timeframe, it is different for both people. The key is COMMUNICATION. I will say that after four years of being together I personally would be ready for marriage. I'm a fairly patient person, but I would be ready to marry the person after around 2... 2.5 years.

[Ithappenstoall]

CanIBuyAClue, what if you started dating at 21, so when you were 23-24 , would you be ready as well ? Just a random question

[katielee84]

I don't know if I agree that the mid-20s is too young to get married. I do hear a lot that people change in their 20's and what we may "think" we want at 21, is not necessarily what we want at 30. I've heard that from family members when I talk about how much I want to marry my boyfriend, and I have gotten a bit of the perspective that it's good to let one grow and develop as an individual before making the serious commitment of marriage. We've both talked about that and always conclude that neither of us can imagine life without the other. And I totally agree that our communication can be stronger and I am going to do my part to work on that. But I also have the thought that if he doesn't know after 4 years, what makes me think that after 5 or 6 or 7 he will be more certain? I'm getting so confused...

[sully123]

I would honestly just talk about it more. You are in your mid 20's which is still young, but I understand you want to know where you stand. I know from my both children, my son went together for 6 yrs and my daughter went together for 7 yrs, and there both happily married. I would honestly give it a little more time. I think it will happen down the road, but for whatever reason he is just a little hesitant right now.

[CanIBuyAClue]

CanIBuyAClue, what if you started dating at 21, so when you were 23-24 , would you be ready as well ? Just a random question

I think I would be. Age I think is irrelevant, I don't stay with people for longer if my heart is not in it. After two or two and a half years of being with a person I should know enough about them on whether I want to be with that person forever.

[katielee84]

I spoke with my boyfriend last night and expressed to him some of my insecurities regarding the fact that he has been so vague about the topic of marriage. I expressed that I was beginning to feel that it was important for us to take a look at how much we are and are not communicating with each other, so that our relationship can be even stronger. He listened to what I had to say and agreed with most of it. Inevitably the conversation led back to marriage and how I felt that I was ready and it was completely unclear to me why he was not. If he has doubts, I think it is important for us to work on those things together as a couple…He expressed that there were some things that he had to work on on his own, but was quite vague on what they were. I'm not liking his vagueness. It is making me very uneasy and am starting to wonder if I'm “wasting my time” with him. I never really wondered that before until now. I love him and cannot imagine my life without him, but I don't know anymore if he is just “saying” that he feels the same way, and not meaning it. We need to keep on talking but any advice would be appreciated. I know that no one can answer my question about whether I'm “wasting my time” or not, but I'm 25 (I know, young!) but I'm very ready to build a life together and eventually have kids. I want to enjoy some time as a married couple first before having kids. We've both agreed on that…but how much longer do we wait?

[Justwantfair]

I think if you really want him to think about moving forward, you have to step off and back off. The push to constantly talk and find out 'where you are' in a relationship, can kill a relationship. Men don't want to talk about feelings all the time. Every time you smother him with 'I'm ready now' he pulls further away.

Step back, give him time to evaluate and think, even if that means stepping out of the relationship. Fall in love with yourself again and give him the opportunity to fall in love with you again. He can't make progress when you are backing him into a corner. Take some time off the analysis kick. Appreciate your relationship, give him time to digest what you have told him.

[katielee84]

I think if you really want him to think about moving forward, you have to step off and back off. The push to constantly talk and find out 'where you are' in a relationship, can kill a relationship. Men don't want to talk about feelings all the time. Every time you smother him with 'I'm ready now' he pulls further away.

Step back, give him time to evaluate and think, even if that means stepping out of the relationship. Fall in love with yourself again and give him the opportunity to fall in love with you again. He can't make progress when you are backing him into a corner. Take some time off the analysis kick. Appreciate your relationship, give him time to digest what you have told him.

That's really useful advice! Thanks...

[Synnen]

Four years into our relationship, I looked at my then-boyfriend and said that we were getting married next year.

If he had specific objections, then NOW was the time to voice them, because otherwise I was planning a wedding.

He has since said that a big part of his failure to "need" or "want" marriage on the same level I did is because we already lived together and acted like a married couple--why change what was working?

Do you live together? If so, I suggest moving out for a while.

If not--after 4 years, what's stopping you?

I agree that both people need to be ready before a marriage can take place, but if he's not willing to be open and honest with you about WHY he doesn't want to get married yet, then there's a problem.

I also agree, though, that there comes a point where it's to poop or get off the pot. You can't keep someone waiting indefinitely for something that may or may not happen, asking them to put their life on hold for you. If he doesn't KNOW after four years, then it's time for him to come clean about his reasons to you, or let you go.

[Starry nights]

Doesn't look like he would open up much considering that he hasn't already.You can't bulldoze a person into talking and admitting,can you?

How about voicing your concerns instead,in a clear,direct yet non-accusatory and polite fashion?Instead of making marriage the central issue in this conversation,make him understand that you are just concerned where you stand with him since you value him in your life way too much and can't bear to harbour any insecurity or uncertainty about the two of you.

Once someone realises that they aren't being judged/threatened,they are more prone to letting their guard down a bit.Once he realises you are more concerned about making it work rather than pestering him about marriage(for which,he's already told you he isn't ready),I am sure he will feel more secure and relaxed and talk to you.Why don't you give it a try?