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paxe · Jan 17, 2010, 03:21 AM

I haven't been on this thread for a long time but I always return because I can learn a lot from you. It's nothing personal, but you did a lot of mistakes and people learn from it.

You think too much. You are saying so many right things, but it seems it's really hard for you to apply them. You think too much of love and life in general, and it is hindering your own healing. Some times you just need to accept facts and move on with life, let it take you in its flow. Like Nike's ad: "just do it".

A4Effort · Jan 17, 2010, 10:46 AM

I always have been overanalytical and critical of my own self. I cannot just turn it off but I can ackowledge it and control it which is what I am choosing now. Yesterday was just one of those days.

A4Effort · Jan 17, 2010, 08:19 PM

Well tonight I went to hang out with my friend who is my ex's roommate. She asked me to pick her up since it was dark outside and she did not feel safe. While we were on the phone my ex told her for me to pick up my belongings too that I asked for. I went over there and it was awkward. Mt ex pretended like nothing happened and was talking to me about decorating the apartment. My friend then went upstairs to get jacket and my ex and I were alone. We talked about our vacations and kept it simple/polite.

I was painful for me to see her again. It hurt me so much to see her because I know she is not the one for me. I know that we will not happen. I know I need to stay single and continue my life. But seeing her beauty, poise, and hearing her voice my my heart sink. I cam back to my dorm and hung out with my friend. Now I am distracting myself with my photography but it sucks to have broken NC because it shows me that I am not over her yet.

Oh, well back to NC.

UnluckyDucky · Jan 17, 2010, 09:03 PM

Things like this are bound to happen. The important thing is that you've taken the first step. You've accepted the fact that its over and you've cut that last thread of hope. You'll have good days and bad days, but at least you know that NC is the best thing for you to do now.

Hang in there bud, it'll get better - I promise!

A4Effort · Jan 17, 2010, 09:46 PM

Yeah, I am trying to stay as confident as possible but things have not been going well.

My taekwondo instructor called me tonight and tore me a new one because a certain situation (cannot go into detail) got out of hand and she thought I was at fault. I explained to her the situation and she apologized but she was still mad at the situation. I still feel horrible because even though I did not anything wrong (she agrees) I still feel bad.

Secondly, seeing the ex doesn't help. Hearing from this last girl that she does not want to date sucks too because I feel like we could have had something great.

I just get this feeling that one bad thing is happening after another and it is not stopping. I am staying optimistic but its getting to a point where I am getting a little sick of it. First semester was one s**t show that made me go crazy.

How ling will this last? How can I stay sane?

paxe · Jan 17, 2010, 10:03 PM

Since you are so lost, staying single is a good idea for you. You can stay sane by just letting go. If you let go of all your expectations you will find peace.

I can put in another way. Did you ever go to the beach and just looked at the ocean, relaxed everything, and just letting go by the beauty of it? Well you need to put yourself in this perspective. You also need to find yourself and to be happy single, which your are clearly not here.

A4Effort · Jan 18, 2010, 12:01 AM

I am just having a few bad days of the "ex withdrawals" that was caused by several little things. It will get better soon.

I put on my old sweatshirt and it still smells like her so I am about to go to sleep in it. Sad, I know but... I really have no answer. Good night.

amicon · Jan 18, 2010, 12:35 AM

Hmm-washing the T-shirt comes to mind.. .

Yosomoton213 · Jan 18, 2010, 01:41 AM

Yea, true that. How long has it been now? Please tell me that you don't have a hair doll constructed with all the lose hairs of hers you found in your apartment?

Yosomoton213 · Jan 18, 2010, 01:43 AM

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

emopunk7 · Jan 18, 2010, 02:51 AM

Hey A4Effort. I totally can relate when you said you saw her and saw her beauty and poise. That's how I feel too and I know I would feel the same way so that's why I do everything in my power to stay away. Sometimes my mind fools me to think I'm okay and that I should see her but I don't fall for it. I worked wayyy too hard to get where I am and I'm only moving further and hoping for better. We are strong. Take off that sweatshirt. Forget Taekwondo... Show me your real strength now from the heart!! That's where it's at! I was online just now on myspace and I saw her name as a friend I may know. I was going to click on it but instead I deleted the recommendation. It's all about strength. Plus the great advice I've been getting from Altenweg and Cat and Friend4U and T-Man and IWish, there's no way I can let them down. They care a lot more than my ex ever did so why give her that power? The people here care for us and our strength together with these amazing people and God, what can stop us? This isn't for the weak. I'm willing to take the difficut road because at the end I know I will win! So will you if you use some inner strength. You are smart. Hang in there. No more setbacks!

A4Effort · Jan 18, 2010, 07:00 AM

Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

To be honest, I trashed everything that even made me think of her the first week. I have nothing of hers. No letters, objects, presents, etc... This sweatshirt I got back yesterday and it was a bad idea in the first place. It set me back but now its time to continue moving forward.

Last night was rough especially because other little annoyances have been occurring so it made it tough to stay strong. I saw my ex last night when I went to pick up my friend and that made me sad. Smelling the sweatshirt reminded me of her.

I am just wondering why I am so sensitive with this matter. I mean by now you would think I would be over her. I mean with the amount of work I have, the amount of socializing I do, and my personal drive, you would think that I would have enough will power to get over this too.

I am angry at myself for being so weak and I usually do not screw up. I am a perfectionist so most of the time I try to do things right the first time. But with this its just one mistake after another.

kctiger · Jan 18, 2010, 07:05 AM

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do... it's all any of us can do at the moment.

A4Effort · Jan 18, 2010, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

Exactly, I think it is important to make sure you acknowledge your feelings and accept them. Yesterday, even though I was down, I still told myself that this was just a phase that will disappear. I told myself to accept the feelings, work though it, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Also, I keep telling myself over and over that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I need to make myself happy and I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. I just need to continue learning how to be single. Its not as easy as I thought it would be especially since I did not want to be single to begin with. I was put in this situation and now I have to adjust.

paxe · Jan 18, 2010, 07:18 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

So true. Same thing happened to me and I think it is more than normal to have residual feelings. As long as it doesn't (or very little) affect you, life goes on. The only advice I can give you is to be patient, take care of yourselves and look toward a brighter future.

A4Effort · Jan 21, 2010, 02:36 PM

So I need some help. I have mentioned before that I am going to this social justice retreat this weekend. It is a great time and I really enjoy listening to others tell their story. But there is one kink in this story and that is that my ex is one of the facilitators.

Now myself and another 40 ish students will be going to this retreat. I will be seeing her often throughout the weekend and obviously by doing that I will be breaking NC. What is the best way to go about this?

I wanted to drop out but I do not want her to control my life. I know that I will be having some feelings while she is there and I do not know how to control them.

Any suggestions?

I wish · Jan 21, 2010, 03:00 PM

Keep minimal contact. Don't have unnecessary conversations. Keep things professional. Separate business and pleasure. Converse with other people, like you said there's 40 other people there for you to talk to anyway.

jmw0713 · Jan 22, 2010, 09:06 AM

You are there for a reason, social justice. Nothing else. Go about it like you don't even know she is there. When you do run into her, stick to strictly business. Like I wish said, don't go off having any conversations with her that are not about the retreat.

A4Effort · Jan 22, 2010, 09:13 PM

So this is painful. We briefly said hi and that is basically the only contact we had. We were sitting all in a big group discussion and we made eye contact. We both gave each other an endearing look. I see her all the time. I am doing my best to avoid her and focus on this trip. I talked to a friend and she basically told me it took her a year and a half to get over her ex. I am really hurt and sad. When I am on NC I feel much better but this much time together is hurting me. 2 more days of this. Please help me through this.

amicon · Jan 22, 2010, 09:57 PM

I hope that is gets easier as the weekend continues. Make sure you talk to and socialize with lots of other people.

There must be the option of leaving early?if it gets too much for you-but you chose to go,so stick it out.

As for it taking somebody
18 months to get over any ex; there are no hard and fast rules.
We are all different.

All the best now.
Come back if you need to.