[talaniman]

I whole heartedly disagree that the past should be ignored, as those issues and feelings always come back to rip you a new one later. Issues should be resolved before you can move forward, not ignored to show up later.

I think you both have had enough, and should resolve things for the sake of the kids involved, not to get back together.

Defining boundaries of good behavior should be at the top of the list.

[sabrewolfe]

Yes, this is the same woman. The threads merged by Tal gives some history to the situation. Im glad he did, I read back over some of those things and regained some more insight that is useful now.
Her and I spent this weekend together with our son. It was a very good time for him, he really enjoyed having that time again with both his mom and dad together. She and I had a few conversations, nothing too heavy, about our relationship. We both see the past differently and have agreed not to discuss it anymore, because it will only cause an argument. We spent most of our alone time peacefully watching movies and laying with each other. We agreed that neither one of us will date others or have any secrets from each other. We are taking it slow, and will just try to get along and see if we can rebuild what we had originally started this relationship based on. And also during this time, we are working on our own problems and issues.

[talaniman]

We both see the past differently and have agreed not to discuss it anymore, because it will only cause an argument. We spent most of our alone time peacefully watching movies and laying with each other. We agreed that neither one of us will date others or have any secrets from each other. We are taking it slow, and will just try to get along and see if we can rebuild what we had originally started this relationship based on. And also during this time, we are working on our own problems and issues.

That sounds like a solid plan. Good luck.

[sabrewolfe]

That sounds like a solid plan. Good luck.

Thanks Tal.

[sabrewolfe]

Threads merged again

Hi everyone. I really messed up with my girlfriend now. Last weekend, I did something I thought I would never do and I am so ashamed of. I don't feel I deserve anything at this point. As some of you may know by reading some of my threads about me and my girlfriend, we have had a rocky relationship for three years now. She has been so unstable, and I accepted so much of her behaviour and tried so hard to make things work. Anyway, last weekend she came by. We talked for a while, she was yelling and telling me how she felt. She was crying and yelling. She told me we should just let it go between us and I agreed and peacefully went back into my house. About a half hour later, she came back crying and asking me if we could be back together. We talked again, she yelled some more, and I told her to just go home. She didn't leave, she just sat in her car in the driveway. So I went back out, we talke some more. She wanted to go to a hotel room together and finish talking and spend some time together. So I agreed and we went. Shortly after we got there, we were arguing again. She has a tendency to be violent, I had her arrested for it when we lived together. But this time, I got violent with her. I never thought I would or could do such a thing. There has been numerous times in our past and I would never hit her back, I would just take it or call the police. I could never imagine I would ever do such a thing. But I did. That ended things completely. I feel as though I became someone I didn't even know that night. And she never expected that.
I know I'll never be able to take back what I did. I feel so bad, you couldn't imagine how bad I feel. I want to write her an apology letter just to let her know how bad I do feel and that was something I never meant to do and how much I regret it. I need to do this, I need help, I know I don't deserve it, but I've got to do this.
Thanks for reading this.

[Fr_Chuck]

Have you considered just breaking up. Both of you fighting all the time, each being violent and worst.

So before someone wakes up with a knife in their back, it is time to move on and get counseling

[sabrewolfe]

Have you considered just breaking up. both of you fighting all the time, each being violent and worst.

So before someone wakes up with a knife in thier back, it is time to move on and get couseling

I have, and I know this relationship has gone to far to come to this. No matter what we have been through together, I love her with all my heart. I just her to know that what happened that night was never something I ever wanted to happen. I can't even understand it myself, or what brought me to behave in such a way.

[ilysfm]

Before you ever want her to forgive you to perssue a friendship or maybe even get back together you need to forgive yourself. I know this may sound crazy, but you deserved to hit her back. You're the victum suffering from abuse. And yelling and arguing is indeed another form of abuse, both about the same, emotionally. Im not saying its okay that you hit her, but you had a right to stop her from hitting you. You probably shouldn't try to continue your relationship unless you want to go to counseling together. Id tell her you love her to death, and you never meant to hurt her, but three years of the same thing was getting old and something just snapped. And if it hadn't happened with you it was going to happen with her. Tell her you're extremely sorry. If you want her back tell her to go to conseling with you, after all. She sounds like the one that needs help.

[Gemini54]

"Unhappy couples tend to get stuck in negative, destructive patterns, they have fewer positive interactions than happy couples and are unable to resolve problems.” Does this sound familiar?

sabrewolfe, I along with others have been following what is happening in your relationship. I'm really VERY sorry that it's got to this point and I won't ask you to elaborate on the gory details.

You are clearly aware that it's never OK to resort to physical violence and I can understand that you're suffering because you allowed yourself to respond in this way. I can only assume that what happened is an expression of your intense frustration and anger and that you allowed yourself to be sucked into the drama.

Problem is, that by resorting to violence you've completely played into her hands. Now you're the one that is in the wrong and you will never be allowed to forget it. I also assume that the relationship is now over. If it isn't, it needs to be. You can see how destructive it has become for both of you!

By all means write to her. However, I would not, in writing, admit to any violence against her. Remember that this could be held against you and that she may even charge you with assault if you are silly enough to put it in writing. Perhaps you can simply apologize 'for the events' that happened and state that you never meant for your relationship to end this way. I would not, under any circumstances, be admitting to any physical violence in a letter to her.

Yes, you feel awful, and the relationship has ended under less that auspicious circumstances. But don't be silly. Protect yourself and put some distance between you.

This relationhsip NEVER was good for you - you have real proof of that now. Please, please don't ever accept bad behavior from anyone in a relationship again and don't ever yourself resort to physical violence again.

This is your wake up call - please do not ignore it.

Take care and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes - sometimes even big ones.

[Jake2008]

I'm feeling a little angry about this to be honest with you.

The relationship has been toxic and violent and off the wall ridiculous since the beginning.

Yet, you keep going back for more.

Instead of walking away, you assault her. Instead of staying in your house and letting her pout in her car, you go outside 'to talk', and end up in a hotel room brawl.

Over and over. Pete and repeat. She says, you say, she hits, you hit, and the destructive dance goes on.

And you worry about an apology letter?

Skip the letter to her, and write one to yourself. Tell yourself why the relationship is over, and why this self destructive connection with her is ruining your life. Tell yourself what you're going to do to end it once and for all, and then sign it.

It really has to stop. An apology now is useless.

[amicon]

Jake is spot on-you need to be honest with yourself and realise why this toxic mess should be laid to rest.

You have a child together,the wellbeing and future happiness of your child should be a priority now,so get that sorted out.

Forget the apology,but maybe see a therapist for yourself,to go through your own issues.

[sabrewolfe]

You are all right in everything you all have said. I appreciate all of the caring input. I have been struggling with this toxic person too long that was beginning to change me into someone I never wanted to be. I did write an apology letter, and kept it brief. And I never received a reply, which is fine. But the strange part is that she forwarded it to someone, I don't know who. She still had access to my email account at the time. I asked her about it and she totally denies it, which Im not surprised. So anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. I've decided to put her behind me, have no contact with her, get myself staightened out, and will pursue legal visitation with my son. And if, and I don't know if she will at this point, but if she does ever come around to me drunk again, I will call the police and let them deal with her, and then I will take my son.

[amicon]

Great decisions,I wish you and your son all the best.
Good luck. :-)