I am a 60 year male from America. Born in Germany.
Never married. Also from a poor family. But all of that is unimportant.
The last line you wrote from your question contains part of your answer.
God IS there.
I would recommend that you do the following.
1. Get a King James Bible (old version is the most accurate).
2. On your computer go to
Family Radio Worldwide.
3. Start reading your Bible and the helpful literature and programs on
Familyradio.
4. Earnestly pray God for mercy and wisdom.