[jre14]

Threads merged

Okay so I will try to be as brief as possible and not rant too much.

I was with my fiancée for 4 years and had been best friends for 6. We are both 24. I thought everything was going fine. I told she was more into the relationship then I was. I wanted to wait to get engaged, until after I was done school. She went out and found an engagement ring and convinced me to buy it (Not conniving! She was being honest at the time I think. She didn't know what she wanted.) She was the one always talking about marriage and all that.


Well, over the holidays she told me she had been cheating for a long time. I'm guessing 1 or 2 months with this guy at her work. No sex at the time she told me, just making out. She was quite upset and angry with herself. But then later that night she went to the guy's house and actually did the deed, for two nights! After the last thing I said to her was to get her head clear and not mess around with this guy! - at least not until we figure our situation out.

All the while I'm a zombie in our apartment not knowing what to think.

She came over 2 days later, much more calm, and we agree - or rather I had no option - that we should take a break. We had grown too much into each other. We were boring and stale. She felt trapped with me. Her boring existence was all my fault.

So I moved back home and we didn't see each other for two weeks. We texted and facebooked. She saying she missed me and I would always reply with something to the gist of, "let's get back together then!" Also, just occasional "how's it going" texts.

I then went over to pick some stuff up and talk. I noticed our pictures were still hanging in our room. We had a nice talk and we agreed that we were still "together" and committed to each other but we need a break to regain ourselves.

Well, then we got drunk and had sex. During which near the end she started regretting it, (she was fully into it earlier). She said I should probably go but then wanted to hug me.
We both kept hugging each other not wanting to say goodbye. As soon as I left I heard her start crying.

Later that week, she texted me at night about how she couldn't sleep and was crying so much over me. I consoled her. She seemed to be sincere in her apologies. Oh you, the day after she told me she cheated, I asked if she was truly sorry. She said "If I said I was I would be lying." Later, she told me she said that because at the time she felt so much relief.

The same week I read on her Facebook about how next time she goes to this all night dance club she wants this guy to be there to "dance her into a trance." Next day: she asks if we should do our taxes as common law again this year.

? What I am suppost to think with these mixed messages?

Last night she went to that club and did E, who knows what she was doing. She's done coke again since we broke up. Just once. I just feel like I don't know her anymore sometimes. She turning into a wild child, like how she was went we first met. But at other times, she the same old girl I love.

Ok, I'm ranting. Basically, I want to know what you guys think. Does she just need time? Or are we done? What's going on with her?

[A4Effort]

LEAVE HER!! She cheats on you and you hold her hand. She has sex with another man and you are her shoulder to cry on. I know it is hard to let her go since you have know her for quite some time but if any of her feelings were true towards you than she would have not done this to you. You don't slip and accidentally cheat.

No Contact. Start rebuilding your life. Work through this and move on with your life. This sounds harsh but it is what you need to do. Focus on something else and stop all contact with this woman.

[Gemini54]

It's over. You're done. Sorry, but she's cheated on you and blamed you for her cheating. Now she's cheating on the guy she cheated with!

Even thought it's really hurtful, her behavior is actually telling you both that you need to go and explore other people, other relationships.

You were both so young when you met, and it was too soon to be talking about marriage and real commitment.

Don't be her lap-dog any longer. Time to focus on yourself and broadening your horizons.

You'll never be able to trust her again anyway after the things she's said and done. She wants her freedom - let her go.

[jre14]

Argh. I know it sounds like the typical situation and I guess I'm being typical by thinking my situation is different. But I do.

I feel like she's just so confused right now. SHe does have mental problems - self esteem issues and such. She was abandoned by her family and has had a lot of hurt in her life. At one point she told me she wanted someone to rely on and to take care of her... I gave that to her.


But I know you guys are right. I don't know why she's stringing me along... or rather I guess I do. She doesn't want to lose me as a person in her life, but she doesn't want to be with me.

It's just so hard. I can't even think about not seeing her, it makes me cry instantly. I put so much trust and faith in her. ANd it's not even the cheating. I can believe that people make mistakes and can be forgiven.What hurts more is that she doesn't want to be with me; that I can't make her happy; that I have to realise that she will no longer be there for me.

It's especially hard because I don't have very many people in my life that I can rely on and be myself around. I was totally myself around her and now that's gone.

p.s. She isn't seeing anyone. She promised that she wouldn't and she knows she needs to be single for awhile. But I do feel that she is flirting with guys at the club - she was always a flirty girl.

This is really effing me up. I'm in school and I can't concentrate. I wake up at night from dreaming about her and can't get back to sleep - she won't leave me mind.

And what do I do about my memories with her, which are pretty much the last 4 years of my life.

I should add: We have lived together since the moment we feel in love. Friends for 2 years, together for 4. During those 4 years we literally and I mean literally spent all our time together - save while we were at work or school.

So everything I remember has to do with her.
How do I reclaim those memories for myself without bawling every time?

Thanks for the replies guys..

[A4Effort]

The good thing about memories is that you can always create new ones. You said you spent years with her creating those memories. Cherish them but also realize the "not so good" memories too. So now, go out and create new memories. You have not been single for years and now its time to learn how to be single again. You can be very happy again, but you have to take the first step.

Take on a new hobby, start working out, go out and meet new people, join a club, focus more on school, etc...

It gets better with each day. It will take a while but it does get better.

[Gemini54]

Why would you want to erase those memories? Yes she's your first, yes, you love her, yes it hurts. Welcome to the world of feelings and emotions. Welcome to sadness and grief.

You can't erase the memories, and even in the future thoughts of her may always be tinged with a little sadness and the loss that you experienced.

Did you think that you could escape being human and having feelings? Bawl. Bawl your eyes out. This is a serious and tragic loss for you and you shouldn't underestimate its effect on you.

However, hanging on to her is not the answer. Trying to save her because she had a difficult childhood is not the answer. She can only save herself.

What hurts more is that she doesn't want to be with me; that I can't make her happy; that I have to realise that she will no longer be there for me.

This is the reality. She wants to move on. It is difficult, and it will hurt , but you have to as well.

Talk to your friends and family - tell them you feel sad and mad. Ask them to help you get through this.

Start by packing the physical things that remind you of her away. By not looking at her FaceBook. By doing things that are different to what you did together. By getting stuck into your studies.

Accept that you will feel awful - sad and grieving even angry. You will only get through this if you allow yourself to feel the pain and eventually it will get better. Time is the greatest healer.

[roxypox]

I'm sorry hun, but mental issues or not... what she has done is wrong... its an insult to you, its and inuslt to your relationship.

I know that you think that this is different.. it really isn't. The reason you think it is different is because now... you're in the situation, you're no longer watching it from the out side or hearing about it.

She cheated on you, she balmed it on you. The relationship is over.

So don't take her back. I understand that this will be hard, you have been best friends for 6 years, together for 4 of them. I'm guessing that she is a REALLy important part of your life.


As for she isn't seeing anyone... 1. didn't the two of you agree that she wasn't going to go further with that guy from work and then she did?

I don't want to cause you unnes. Worry here, but I think the two of you need to go for a real break-up here.

You need to work on this... cause if you don't what'll happen then.

Like A4Effort writes... you can create new memories. The old ones will always be there, but when you create new memoreis and allow new activities and people to take place in your life, they'll be a little more hazy. Especially the once that are painful.

I've read somewhere that the human mind is constructed in such a way that after a while, when looking backwards in life, we only remember the good things (unless it was huuuuge)

I hope this was of some help.

Roxy

[Jake2008]

While she is doing E and cocaine and raves, the lifestyle is what she wants, and for whatever reason, needs. Her reasons will likely never be known; maybe she doesn't realize herself why she is doing the things she does. But one thing she knows is, you have been her 'rock'.

You have invested your heart and soul into her and your life together, and naturally, it will be complicated and consuming until you have your footing back.

There is good and bad in any relationship. Try taking the good memories with you, and leave the bad behind. You can take the good memories, and how you made them happen, into the next relationship, and add even more as A-4 has said. Create new, without any baggage.

She sounds to me, from what you have said, that she is out of control with her own life, and doesn't know what she wants. She has issues to work through- the drugs, infidelity, self-esteem as you said, and probably a more. These are her issues, and you sound like a saint for allowing yourself to still love her.

She will hopefully realize someday, she lost a good man, through her own actions and nothing else.

[Cat1864]

I am going to take a bit of a different perspective.

I know you love her. I am not questioning that in the least.

What I want you to think about is that you have had a very unhealthy relationship. She is self-destructive. She hasn't worked through the problems of her childhood. She is expecting the others to 'save' her from herself. You need to be needed. You need to be loved and relied upon.

You have been trying to be her knight in shining armor. You have been trying to keep her safe in a fairytale castle and slay the dragons that she fears. That is what a Knight does. The problem is that the castle is her own mind the dragons are her own thoughts and feelings. You cannot save her from herself. You have become more her parent than her friend or lover. She is the emotional equivalent of a toddler.

She has to be allowed to fall. Until she does, she won't learn how to walk on her own. It is going to hurt both her and you. However, it will be for the best.

I am going to suggest that you find a support group in your area for friends and family of drug/alcohol addicted people. I think you need to meet other people who understand what you have been going through.

[jre14]

I just can't do it. I can't let her go. I just can't. I'm sitting crying reading these posts. Believing them all but still wanting to work it through.

It's just so hard, so goddamn hard. She really is a good girl. She just messed up for awhile... I don't know. I hate life right now. I have no motivation to do anything and that just makes forgetting her that much harder. But I want her in my life and I know she does too!!

Everything I do I want to do with her. I'm always thinking about how much whatever I'm doing would be better if she was there. I can't get her out of my head and it hurts all the time.

[jre14]

As for she isn't seeing anyone... 1. didn't the two of you agree that she wasn't going to go further with that guy from work and then she did?


Roxy

We never agreed. When I asked her not to, she just kind of gave a scoff. She had no where to stay but that guys house...

I know I'm making excuses... I'm such a mess.

[Cat1864]

I just can't do it. I can't let her go. I just can't. I'm sitting crying reading these posts. Believing them all but still wanting to work it through.

Pick up a phonebook and look for a support group like Al-anon (it's for friends and family members of alcoholics) in your area. You need to find out that you aren't the only one going through something like this. YOU need some support.

You need to understand that you are becoming addicted to her melodrama and problems.

You are feeding your need to be needed by trying to care for her. That need is enabling her to push her responsibility off on you and to not deal with it herself. She is running from herself and you are providing the track shoes and a treadmill.

Sometimes loving someone means finding it in yourself to be strong enough to let go.

[valkman98]

Guy I know it sucks, but one thing your post say is "you" want. Well as hard as this is to hear,You are not what she wants. This pain will go. Ask yourself why do I want someone who causes me pain and can't be trusted? Trust is part of love, you can't trust her so... From going on what you have posted she is just about partying and not being as a couple. Let it go. There comes a time when your childhood stops being the reason for your actions,its called growing up. I am sure she ,as do you ,know right from wrong? She done you way wrong my friend. Get mad and get over it. I don't mean to be harsh, its just easier without the sugar coating. Be strong and think of YOU!

[jre14]

A4Effort: I realise now why you answered my post the way you did - I read your story.

I guess I should learn from it. But I suppose I won't be... I'll be taking her back soon. We talked today and agreed that we have a future together but something's about us need to change. Just like your story... But I have to do this. Like, what if we ARE meant to be together and we just messed up and were ignorant about love? I have to give it another try. I figure I have nothing to lose. I could be in pain now or in pain later - what difference does it make. At least I would know I gave it my all to make it work. And if it doesn't, that will just be another lesson learned, eh?

[jre14]

A4Effort: I realise now why you answered my post the way you did - I read your story.

I guess I should learn from it. But I suppose I won't be... I'll be taking her back soon. We talked today and agreed that we have a future together but something's about us need to change. Just like your story... But I have to do this. Like, what if we ARE meant to be together and we just messed up and were ignorant about love? I have to give it another try. I figure I have nothing to lose. I could be in pain now or in pain later - what difference does it make. At least I would know I gave it my all to make it work. And if it doesn't, that will just be another lesson learned, eh?

[Gemini54]

A4Effort: I realise now why you answered my post the way you did - I read your story.

I guess I should learn from it. But I suppose I won't be...I'll be taking her back soon. We talked today and agreed that we have a future together but somethings about us need to change. Just like your story...But I have to do this. Like, what if we ARE meant to be together and we just messed up and were ignorant about love? I have to give it another try. I figure I have nothing to lose. I could be in pain now or in pain later - what difference does it make. At least I would know I gave it my all to make it work. And if it doesn't, that will just be another lesson learned, eh?

Well I must say that you may as well be beating yourself around the head with a piece of 4X2 but it's your choice. Sigh. Suffer now or suffer later.

[jre14]

It's just one of those things that I will have to learn myself, you know? I realize that things probably won't work out.

But here's the thing: She wants me to change in certain ways. I know this sounds bad, but I want to change myself in the same way that she does. Not to please her; but who can see your faults better than your loved one? She's made me realize my faults. So I figure, in the very least, she can help me change. Maybe it will work out - maybe not. Either way, I see myself being a better person in the future, with her help.

[jre14]

I know that everyone who has responded to my post are very wise. I'm a smart guy and I feel that in the end everything you guys have said will prove true. But emotions aren't rational. I needed to follow my heart at this point. Maybe it needs to be broken again before my mind can take over. But I couldn't stand not giving her another chance. It would haunt me more than what she's done.

Sorry for not listening to the wise...

[Cat1864]

It's just one of those things that I will have to learn myself, you know? I realize that things probably won't work out.

But here's the thing: She wants me to change in certain ways. I know this sounds bad, but I want to change myself in the same way that she does. Not to please her; but who can see your faults better than your loved one? She's made me realize my faults. So I figure, in the very least, she can help me change. Maybe it will work out - maybe not. Either way, I see myself being a better person in the future, with her help.

She has a very strange way of showing love. Cheating, lying, doing drugs, etc. are not healthy for either of you or the relationship.

Sometimes your supposed loved ones see the 'faults' in you that are actually in themselves. Changing for yourself is a good thing to do if you truly believe you need to change. I doubt that you will get any real help from her.

What is she changing? Is she getting any help?

Get into a support group NO MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DO! Get her into counseling.

[jre14]

Most of our problems grew from being around each other ALL the time - day in and day out. We had only one circle of friends that we hung out with. Needless to say, there wasn't very much excitement.

I can see how that's not a very fun life. This she wants to change and I do too. I'm not the most outgoing guy - partly due to my drug use - and I want to change that. Essentially what I'm saying is, is that these things in me that she noticed as faults, are faults. I want to change and become a more fun and outgoing guy. That was who I was when she fell in love with me.

She has also grown somewhat stale and wants to become that fun-loving, outgoing girl she was when I fell in love with her.

I must admit that a lot of this probably has to due with fact that we smoked a lot of weed. A lot. During our entire relationship.. haha it's quite ridiculous now that I look back on it.

But we are clear headed now.

So if our future depends on me regaining myself (and her working out her issues, which she has a desire to do), then I can only say yes and try my hardest.

Honestly, though, how can anyone say I shouldn't give her a second chance? Doesn't everyone always deserve a second chance? When were humans ever perfect? How could I go on, knowing that perhaps it could have worked, but not giving us time to prove it?