[maxinestone]

Hi all... I've gotten good advise before so here I am again. My husband of almost 30 years has been in recovery since October and at first all was great and then by Halloween, he had become depressed and just "not there"... things progressively have gotten worse culminating the past couple weeks. He does not want to have sex and then I heard a conversation that he shared with a friend that he waited until I fell asleep until he went to bed but commented on how it was a rough night because I slept on the couch. He seems to turn everything around to blame me... when I confronted him about it he was furious at me (apparently for learning the truth, or the fact that I had taped the conversation)... now before you read me the riot act, I have NEVER done that type of thing but I know he is lying to me and my gut was telling me... well he went to Hawaii to escape, at my suggestion and stayed at a condo out there that he rented... well the other night I was on email and happen to see a confirmation from Orbitz for his stay at the Sheraton Waikiki th 14, 15 and 16th... yet he had me believing he was still at the rented condo and it listed on the confirmation as 2 guests... I confronted him about this and of course, he was angry and of course, I"m overreacting and wrong....so to "shut me up" for asking him who was he with he tells me he met someone at a 'meeting' and it's all over now though......then says, he was just "$*%*#with me" to shut me up....Now on the 16th, he called me literally first thing in the morning actually crying and I was scared for him because I thought OMG, what happened and he said to me, he "just wanted to come home".....now back to Sunday night, now he tells me he was upset because he didn't want to leave Hawaii......while he was in Hawaii I barely heard from him, he hardly ever returned my emails, yet sure enough, when he was discombobulating at the airport, he calls me to save him I guess....he left last night and went to stay on the boat, and then he told me, he doesn't trust me (yet the couple times I've snooped, I've found evidence of dishonest behavior) then he said "he'd call me"... what is wrong with this man? Any insight is appreciated... and we did have a knock down drag out fight at our office (no one was there) but it got ugly and I left my rings and took all our vacation photos and smashed them in the parking lot. He is always saying 'he doesn't know what he wants'... I think he's lying... what do you all think out there? Cheating or not?

[JudyKayTee]

I think you have very probably and possibly broken a Federal Law and could be incarcerated for taping conversations (depending on your State). Anything you learned as a result of that recorded conversation CANNOT be used in Court (if that is your plan).

I think you both have issues that are deeper than what you posted here. Have you tried counseling?

At this point, before anyone gets injured out of anger or before you get arrested I would stay apart from each other and seek out someone to talk with.

Bottom line - you've been posting about your suspicions since July, 6 months. What do you want? Stay with him? End the marriage? You very obviously CANNOT make someone stop drinking nor can you FORCE someone to treat you with the respect and love you believe you deserve.

Does it really matter if he's cheating if the relationship is unhealthy for you? If you must know, hire a Licensed Private Investigator.

[maxinestone]

No that isn't my plan at all... I just want to know if I'm as crazy as he says I am and want to know if anyone thinks he's being deceptive...

[JudyKayTee]

I think if you are taping conversations and playing Private Investigator you already know the answer to this.

I do not mean to be harsh on you but I think you are both being deceptive. It also appears he is addicted and you are enabling him.

And, yes, I'm divorced; further, my ex was a "functioning alcoholic." I didn't understand the term then (because I watched him drink much of his life away) and I don't understand the term now. And, yes, I enabled him to a certain extent - I thought it was because I loved him.