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emopunk7 · Nov 14, 2009, 03:44 AM

Oh boy, what ever happened to MEN!!

artlady · Nov 14, 2009, 05:58 AM

I will be there for her despite her actions and meanness toward me.

Therein lies some of the problem.She told you quite clearly she does not appreciate that you allow yourself to be a doormat.

Perhaps she is one of those women who associate manliness with a guy being assertive and not taking any bull from anyone.

If that is not you,its highly unlikely that will change.

Your only hope is that she will come to understand that a man is not a wuss if he does not assert himself at every turn.

She sounds like she wants you to man up.Whatever her definition of that may be is questionable.

You are coming off as needy and clingy and desperate and that is never attractive.
Stop making excuses for her nasty behavior and try to be more objective.
She said she missed you but I never hear that she mentions the word love.You are the only one who seems to think she loves you when her actions clearly do not point that way,at least from this perspective.

rosemcs · Nov 14, 2009, 08:50 AM

I wouldn't be there for someone if they kept hurting me. Even friends don't do that. Put positive people into your life that support you, not those that confuse you.

2ndTime · Nov 14, 2009, 04:06 PM

timmy_26, I think that your girlfriend is so stressed out about the divorce that she doesn't know how she feels about men. Did you read what rosemcs wrote earlier? She was getting divorced and it was messy, so she didn't want anything to do with men. It sounds like no matter how much effort you put in she still can't seem to separate you from the divorce stress. This may seem pretty harsh, but you should talk to her and tell her to come back to you when the divorce is complete. Also tell her that you will not be a doormat to her and that if she can't take your honesty and love, go find someone else. In addition, tell her mom that her daughter needs to contact you when the divorce is complete and is ready for a real loving relationship. After that you need to stop the communication as long as you can to make her realize who loves her and cares for her. You may or may not lose her, but in this way it would save you a life time of heart ache. We can sympathize with you forever, but that would only put you in a deeper pain and we really don't think you should be goint through that at a such a young age, when there is so many fish in the ocean.

timmy_26 · Jan 9, 2010, 05:59 PM

My Girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and I absolutely love her and her three children. Back in November she broke up with me and said she wanted to be alone. We spent a few weeks apart and ended up eventually talking and getting back together. She has three children and I love them so much. The past year was very hard for her - She went through a divorce which is now finalized, her house is in foreclosure, and she is raising the three kids with little help from her ex husband. Things are tough on her because although the divorce is over, the house is not sold and she said she feels no closure yet. She did not get full custody either so she can not move wherever she wants and I know this bothers her.

Since getting back together after the three weeks apart we had a great holiday. I have done everything for her and the children - grocery shopping, watching the kids so she can go out, buying Christmas presents, cleaning, and just being there for her. She started to pull back and get somewhat distant right around Christmas. She has been sleeping a lot, eating more and gaining some weight, and wanting to be alone. She has just turned very cold and mean towards me. Sometimes I wonder if she is depressed and not happy with her life. She told me that this was the worst year she has ever had and I can not imagine everything that she has been through. I just want to be there for her and I want her to be happy.

A few days ago after not seeing her for a few days I drove up to see her and the kids. I played a game with the kids, but she did not want to see me. She said you should leave. I asked her if she was OK with me being there. She said that she wants me to leave her alone and stop calling her and don't come up. I told her I love you and then I got some of the things that I had left in her house. I hugged the kids and said I love you so much and they said I love you. Now it has been three days since then and I have not contacted her at all. I am giving her space and time to be alone. I honor her request, but do not understand what is going on. At this point I do not know if there is hope for a relationship with her. I really do hope that we can be together someday and have a relationship. What do you think?

I met her a month after she filed for divorce and I am not the reason she filed for divorce. Her husband was unfaithful. I believe that she needs to be happy with herself and love herself before she can love someone. She never did have time after her divorce to be alone and recover. Maybe time alone is best for her. What do you think I should do? I care so much for this woman and love her with all my heart.

Right now I am going to do the things I love and continue with my life. What do you think I should do?

Fr_Chuck · Jan 9, 2010, 07:43 PM

You were a rebound love, most don't work normally. And perhaps now that she is divorced, she is considering other dating options.

88sunflower · Jan 9, 2010, 08:41 PM

I would give her the space she needs. She may very well be depressed. Life as she knew it is over. Done. She is starting a new chapter. She is probably scared and unsure of what is ahead of her. She sounds financially and emotionally drained.

I love that you understand she needs to find herself and love herself again before she can love someone else. Let her do that. Go on with your life as you said you are. Being divorced she has now lost a piece of herself in a sense. Kind of a part of her identity. She was always a Mrs. and a part of a couple or a team. Now its just her. Time will heal her and she will find out how to be that single unit and she will grow from that.

Leave her to her space. You seem as though you understand and that's a great step for you also.

Gemini54 · Jan 9, 2010, 08:53 PM

Look, I think that you probably met her at the wrong time. She met you a mere month after she'd separated from her husband, who was unfaithful.

So, she's had to deal with the infidelity, the separation, selling her house, dealing with solicitors and she's just had her first Christmas without him.

Of course she feels crappy and depressed. She probably hasn't had time to grieve or process what has happened and now she just wants to be alone and mourn what has happened to her. She's totally exhausted.

You sound great. Loving, considerate and supportive. But you also sound as if you're trying too hard and your love could very well be stifling and exhausting for her. I think it's too soon for her to love and that she possibly saw a relationship with you as a way of not thinking or not feeling about what had happened. This is why people choose rebound relationships.

Yes, you do need to give her time. Perhaps you can test the waters in a week or so and send her a text asking how she's going. But effectively she's saying she doesn't want to see you any more and I suspect that she's exhausted what she's able to give. This may well be her way of ending the relationship.

I'm really sorry, because you've given a lot and you may well turn out to be the loser in this scenario.

timmy_26 · Jan 10, 2010, 09:12 AM

I agree with what most of you are saying and maybe I am the loser and was just used as a rebound unintentionally. Regardless, I still love her and the kids and hope she wants a relationship at some point. I can't put my life on hold for her and have to continue. How long does grieving and the need to be alone take? Is there anything I can to besides not contact her and wait for her to heal? She said it's not you it is me and I want to be alone - She wants to be independent now and I respect her desire. She has told me before that she does not want a man in her life now and is not looking for another man. At what point does a woman want companionship again? I am not planning on her wanting me back, but am hoping for the best and maybe she will. If she does I will be a better man and is it possible that our relationship could be stronger in the end? All of your opinions are super valuable and this forum is helping me put things in perspective. Thanks to you all.

amicon · Jan 10, 2010, 09:23 AM

We're all different and some people take longer to heal than others. You're doing the right thing by leaving her to it and I don't think there's much else you can do.
She knows how you feel about her and if she's ever willing to restart your relationship,she'll let you know.
Continue living your own life and good luck to you.

88sunflower · Jan 10, 2010, 09:59 AM

You can't put a time limit on healing. Every person heals at a pace they are comfortable with.

I have to say you're an amazing man for understanding her need for space and giving it to her. So many people come on here crying about losing a relationship and begging to get it back. Kudos to you for being a grown man and understanding life happens. People split and people move on.

timmy_26 · Jan 10, 2010, 10:58 AM

So true. Life does happen and crying over a broken relationship won't do any good. I miss her and the kids so much, but the best thing I can do for her is give her time to be alone. Do people that are going through similar situations end up together in the end when the healing is done or do they just go their separate ways? If she is depressed will she realize what she had when she gets better and want me back? I still believe that we are the ones for each other and believe that she is my true love. This might be a stupid question and everyone's relationship is so different. Everyone's opinions are welcome and helpful. Thanks

asking · Jan 10, 2010, 11:14 AM

It sounds like she is depressed, and she has every reason to be. I think when she feels better she will not remember you that fondly. Probably she will remember you in the context of a difficult time and feeling guilty about having to break up with you after you did so much. She will remember feeling slightly suffocated. It does seem to me that you were not giving her enough space before. You may love her kids, but it's too easy to give the impression that you think you can just step into a family and settle in. It's not that easy.

I think you have two options. Go no contact and move on. Or check in with her about once a month to see how she is doing. Listen to her. Tell her what you are up to. But keep it light and friendly. Don't start this right away though. Wait at least a month, maybe 6 weeks. Don't talk too long, maybe 10-15 minutes max. If she indicates by long silences or similar that she does not want to talk, wait two months. If you are there and she rediscovers you in a different context, it might be possible to rekindle this relationship. Meanwhile, it's fine to date others. You may find someone else you can be happy with.

timmy_26 · Jan 10, 2010, 11:29 AM

Good thoughts and in my helping I probably did do some suffocting. Although my intentions were good and I loved her and the kids she needs space - I guess it took her breaking up with me to get the space. I will check in on her once a month. If we could rekindle a relationship when the healing is done that would be awesome. Is there anything I can do to help her think more fondly of me or is the damgae done? The first step to help rekindle this relationship is no contact with her and respect her wishes. If she misses me will she contact me though? Is the ball in her court now?

88sunflower · Jan 10, 2010, 11:59 AM

I say the ball is in her court for sure. I don't think you did any severe damage. I am sure how you were treating her was fine had she not been in the middle of a divorce. But I think maybe once she is settled in a new life and getting to know herself she may realize what you had isn't what she wanted. It seems maybe in those times you were her shoulder. You were the one constant in her world that was falling apart. I am not saying at all she won't come around. But I am saying give her the NC. She needs this time she is asking for more then ever.

timmy_26 · Jan 10, 2010, 12:08 PM

Thanks that is another good thought. No one knows for sure if she wants me or does not. Right now she needs time to be alone and redisover herself. I do not want to hold onto false hope, but do hope that in the end she will want me in her life. Hope is really the only thing I have left right now. The more advice the better though.

88sunflower · Jan 10, 2010, 12:33 PM

Well you can still hold your hope and live your life. I wouldn't hold myself back and wait for her if I were you. Love has a funny way and if its right you will be together again. But don't count on it or wait for it. Go out and date and be happy.

timmy_26 · Jan 11, 2010, 12:58 AM

Thanks for the input. I do believe that the love we had was true and believe we will be together again. I think she just needs to be alone and find herself. Only time will tell what will really happen and until then I am going to live my life to the fullest and be happy. You are right, even though this sucks and I miss her and the kids so much, I can't put my life on hold. Any other suggestions or does anyone have a similar experience that they went through? This forum is very helpful and I appreciate all the comments and input.

amicon · Jan 11, 2010, 01:03 AM

Just stay busy and do your own thing-only time will tell,so live your life as fully as you can.

asking · Jan 11, 2010, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by timmy_26

Good thoughts and in my helping I probably did do some suffocting. Although my intentions were good and I loved her and the kids she needs space - I guess it took her breaking up with me to get the space. I will check in on her once a month. If we could rekindle a relationship when the healing is done that would be awesome. Is there anything I can do to help her think more fondly of me or is the damgae done? The first step to help rekindle this relationship is no contact with her and respect her wishes. If she misses me will she contact me though? Is the ball in her court now?

The "damage" was not your fault and is not something you can repair. The timing was the problem. During a divorce a person is processing a lot of anger and disappointment with themselves and while they may lean on others for support, they aren't really paying attention to other people that much. I'm generalizing. But my guess is that she wasn't really paying much attention to you and what attention she did pay was exhausting her. She did you a kindness really in admitting she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, didn't have the emotional resources for that.