[shallidivorse]

My husband said he was unhappy and felt depressed, he cheated with someone who works on the same business park. What shall I do, I love him and we have 2 children. He lied about it, I found her telephone number on his phone and rang her. She said I was a S---- and he wouldn't have turned to her if id been a good wife? He says he doesn't want a divorce.

[redhed35]

Perhaps councilling for both of you...

It takes a lot of work to recover from an affair,but if both parties are willing to try,there's no reason why you can't succeed.

Get back on track in the meantime,talk to each other,honest communication,and find out why he cheated.

If you both want to work at staying together,you'll get through this.

[shallidivorse]

Thank you for your thoughts, I just want to end the marriage, he doesn't. I feel very betrayed and in pain. This is making me want to get away. He has never done this before we have been together for 16 years. I am finding it hard to deal with + we have 2 children to consider in all of this.

[redhed35]

Maybe some space to think may be called for,can he move out for a few days,give you some space and time to think.

I would advice you to be very sure before you end the marriage,16 years is a big investment.

Would you consider councilling?

If not,make a plan of action of what you need to do.

[redhed35]

Could I ask when you found out?

[shallidivorse]

perhaps councilling for both of you...

it takes a lot of work to recover from an affair,but if both parties are willing to try,theres no reason why you can't succeed.

get back on track in the meantime,talk to each other,honest communication,and find out why he cheated.

if you both want to work at staying together,you'll get through this.

Thank you for your thoughts, I just want to end the marriage, he doesn't. I feel very betrayed and in pain. This is making me want to get away. He has never done this before we have been together for 16 years. I am finding it hard to deal with + we have 2 children to consider in all of this.

[redhed35]

Have you spoken to your family,you need support right now,and a shoulde to cry on...

If leaving the marriage is what you want I would advice you to get some legal advice,however I still believe some time on your own will help clear your head,and maybe consider councilling or mediation.

[shallidivorse]

could i ask when you found out?

I found out 2 days after christmas, but I felt suspicious in November.

I could forgive a one night stand but he has visited her 3 times that I can work out, when I have been out for the day, he turned his phone off.

[redhed35]

Has he given you a reason why he was unhappy? And why he could not talk to you?

A lot of people get unhappy and depressed,mostly they don't go have affairs,it's a pretty lame excuse for putting his marriage on the line.

Has he cut off all contact with her?

[shallidivorse]

have you spoken to your family,you need support right now,and a shoulde to cry on...

if leaving the marraige is what you want i would advice you to get some legal advice,however i still believe some time on your own will help clear your head,and maybe consider councilling or mediation.

Its not what I want, but this has been forced on me. I have myself and my children to consider, when he's not there I feel much more upset, and start thinking he's with her.

I have offered to go to my brothers for the weekend, but he says how will this help heel the marriage.

[shallidivorse]

has he given you a reason why he was unhappy? and why he could not talk to you?

a lot of people get unhappy and depressed,mostly they dont go have affairs,its a pretty lame excuse for putting his marraige on the line.

has he cut off all contact with her?

She works on the same business park next door to his building. She is there I have only his word nothings going on still.

[redhed35]

Maybe going to your brother s for the weekend will give you time to think,when you return,you can sit down and figure out what you want to do.

The trust is gone,does he realise the impact if his actions?

How hurt you are?

However much he regrets what has happened,he has to realise that you need to find a way to deal with it.

[Jake2008]

I understand too why you would be upset with your life turned upside down.

When you first started to wonder, in November, did you say anything to him then? I'm curious that if you did, how he responded.

As with anyone who makes a conscious decision to have an affair, there has to be justification or a reason for it, and he says his was he was feeling depressed and unhappy. I would think that after the first time with her, he would be even more depressed and unhappy with guilt, and it wouldn't have led to the second, then the third time.

It baffles me that justifying an affair often times points the finger to the wife, as the cause. That somehow blame has to be taken as being some sort of accessory to the fact.

The truth lies in whether he is able to come to terms, honestly, why HE did what he did, and what HE is going to do about it. It is him, not you, that put your marriage in jepoardy, and the future of your family, and children. If he were depressed and unhappy to such a point that his only recourse was having an affair, then he's not anywhere near addressing what the truth is. He could have come to you, talked, seen a Doctor, gone for counselling, either individually, or by himself. He could have made choices not to see her, not to turn off his phone to avoid a phone call from you, and he could have not taken his clothes off to hop in the sack with a woman to solve his 'problems'. It's not just about the cheating in my humble opinion, but about the planning, justifying, lying, lack of remorse, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions, and above all, honesty.

It is also about his inability to see, or understand how this has affected you. Counselling is the only way to get that deck of cards on the table so he has some idea of the extent of his decisions, and how they have affected you, the marriage, your future together.

While I agree that he very well might be sorry now, there is still a lot of work to be done. I think that for your own sake, a break as you mentioned is a good idea. Take some time to work through this yourself, and gain some energy back, and a new focus. Part of the aftermath of this is you preparing yourself to deal with the fallout and hard work required to get through therapy to try to put the marriage back on track, should you go that route.

Yes, it is possible to repair a marriage after an affair. I firmly believe that, and have seen miracles in that department. But, it is your call how to deal with what has been put on your plate. Many cannot accept this type of betrayal, and many can. No one can answer as to which way you should go here.

I sincerely wish you well in coping with this, and hope that whatever you decide to do, the outcome will be the best for all concerned.

[Gemini54]

When you first find out that your partner has been cheating is a really confusing, painful and uncertain time.

I think that it's extremely difficult to think clearly, because all you can think about is the betrayal and the breach of trust.

It seems to me that you would benefit from having some time away from your husband so you can gather your thoughts and express your grief, without him present. I suppose however, that you're concerned he'll go back to her.

If your husband wants to preserve the marriage then he has to prove to you again that he's trustworthy. This means he must promise, absolutely, that he will have no contact with her whatsoever while you're gathering your thoughts.

I agree with the other posters that if you want to save your marriage then you should consider counselling. He needs to talk about why he's been unhappy and hasn't talked to you about it and he needs to understand the effect that his infidelity has has on you. On the other hand you need to understand the dynamic that led to him cheating - what was lacking in your marriage that created this situation?

[shallidivorse]

My husband recently cheated, I can't move on from it. I am going on and on about it all the time. I can't seem to drop it. Can you help me I am trying for the children, but am forcing him out. I found out about 2-3 weeks ago. Its messed my head and my emmotion up big time, I have been to relate who say I am dealing with it.

[shallidivorse]

My husband cheated on me, I can't put this behind me, I feel tense all the time, I don't want to break up our family, but am finding this situation hard to deal with, can someone help me get over this devastation.

[redhed35]

I read over your other thread,please keep all questions relating to the same question together,as it is easier for posters to get the full story.

It has been a very shory time since you found out,can I ask if you have seen a councillor together,and if you and your husband have been proactive in saving your marriage?

An affafir is a big blow to a marriage,but it can be redeemed if both parties are will to work at it.

Are you?

Is he?

[shallidivorse]

I have been to relate, she said I was dealing with it, my husband won't go he is blaming it all on family life, kids not washing pots, tidying up. I spend 1 hour tidying up each night, then make tea, when he gets in all that's left is the washing up, he thinks the kids should do it. When he doesn't actually do any tidying in the house.
Tonight we are going out for tea, this is obviously due to the bust up last night over something so trivial.

[amicon]

How many sessions have you had with Relate?
These issues take time to work through and need for both parties to be involved.

[shallidivorse]

1 session, she said its no good with out him present.