[cinnamonlife]

My boyfriend and I have been dating (and living together) for almost a year. Recently, he left his email up and I saw a lot of emails from his ex-girlfriend. I clicked open one of them (from her) and read the short paragraph that amounted to, essentially, cyber sex (her imagining which position he'd use on her).

I told him and he immediately apologized (of course) and sent her a text message saying that he had to stop, was very much in love with me, and didn't want to continue talking to her. (She responded by asking if I knew, then threatening to tell me if I didn't already.) He deleted all communications, and blocked her on Facebook.

He's been truly remorseful and said that he had been feeling guilty about the exchange--was almost glad to be caught. They had been flirting/sex-emailing for about a month. She sent him an email saying that she thought about him when she has sex with other men or masturbates. She lives in a different state and has mentioned coming to visit, but my boyfriend says he really has no interest in being with her physically--only the fantasy.

He has a history of cheating (I started dating him before he broke up with his last girlfriend), but mostly it's about not being happy in his relationship. He says that he's made a huge mistake in talking to his ex and that it's made him realize just how lucky he is to have me.

I think that this is forgivable and that I understand him wanting to live out a fantasy (though neither of us think that involving another person, especially an ex-, in a fantasy is acceptable). I just want some advice on whether this is really serious.

[redhed35]

So after this discovery,do you trust him?

And also,you understand him wanting the fantasy,except he has already had her,( more a reality then fantasy)

If you think this is forgivable,and your understanding about the situation,I wonder why your looking for an outside opinion,unless of course you think there's more to it?

[redhed35]

I just wanted to add... you say he HAD to stop because he got caught,who knows are far it may have gone,he cheated on her for you,who knows how much further he would go... there is a certain irony that he cheated on you with her...

If it was me,id have packed his bags and shown him the door...

[cinnamonlife]

I do trust him, but still feel uneasy about the situation. Today, I am bored and lonely (I'm out of town) and am, perhaps, looking for trouble by posting. I also have only talked to my mother about this, and am looking for outside advice. And I sincerely doubt that he would have cheated with her had the opportunity arisen.

And as far as your point about the fantasizing (it seems like you were questioning why he would fantasize about someone he already had), I think it's quite natural to include real people in fantasies. I certainly think of other real people when I'm fantasizing (including ex's, of course).

[redhed35]

Do you have email sex with your ex's?

No?

Why?

Cause you love your boyfriend and would not betray him like that,and its kind of sort of cheating?

I don't think your looking for trouble,maybe just a different view,at the end of the day,only you can make the decisions.

I know you doubt that he would not cheat on you... but was he not with you when he cheated on her?

Maybe I'm just tarring and feathering here,but just because he says I'm sorry,does not make it OK,it changes your relationship...

You can get over it,and you trust him and doubt it would cheat on you... but your gut is telling you something,that inner voice is never wrong.

[jaime90]

First of all, you say that this guy has a history of cheating. One of the main things you look for in a guy when you start to date him, or are interested in him, is his history. His history will, essentially be, the future of your relationship. It doesn't matter if he isn't happy in a relationship or not- love does not = cheating. He could cheat on you and bring up an excuse like, "I wasn't happy in the relationship." Having cybersex with his ex, is flirting with the idea of cheating. He's not really cheating, he's just typing about it. What makes you think that it would be impossible for this guy to cheat? If anything, it looks extremely unlikely that he will NOT cheat on you. This relationship is not going down the right path. Love is a choice. Love is a verb. This guy says he loves you, but just from what he has done in this one action, I would doubt that he really does. Love is trust, commitment, respect, NOT romantic feelings. There's a good chance that all this guy has for you is romantic feelings.

Not only that, but it seems like you've been going way too fast, you're living together after only a year. Couples who cohabitate before marriage are more likely to have failed relationships before they reach the alter, and are more likely to have marriage problems or divorce than couples who cohabitate after marriage. I did live with my fiancé for about a year, but he moved out when we learned that cohabitating before our wedding would, more than likely, cause issues.

If you're having problems trusting this guy, you need to let him know. If I were you, going by this guy's past, I wouldn't have even begun to date him anyway. And going by his recent actions, I would've shown him the door. In my book, cheating is unacceptable, and cybersex, is pretty much cheating with words and pictures on a screen.

[afaroo]

I agree with Redhed he is not Trustworthy he cheated before and he will cheat on you too pack and leave,Good luck.

John

[sand_storm]

He does have a history of cheating... and he only stopped when you told him. I don't know sounds... fishy. Just odn't trust himma and you moved in too fast. I believe in love all the way, I am a romantic at heart but this is really fishy.

[cinnamonlife]

Whoa whoa whoa.

By saying that cheaters always cheat and cheating is completely unacceptable, are you saying that anyone who cheats is forever forbidden from healthy relationships?

Again, I am looking for outside advice (and appreciate the responses), but do you all *really* think that this is a deal-breaking offense? Would you really sacrifice a potentially great relationship for such a grievance?

I have had mildly flirtatious emails with ex's, and I know plenty of people who have cheated in the past and are now dedicated partners or spouses. I believe there is also the question of the difference between flirting and cheating--fantasy and reality.

[I wish]

What's done is done. We can't change the past. What you need to ask yourself is whether you can accept what happened and move forward? Do you feel like he can be loyal from now on? Do you think that he can regain your trust?

[Justwantfair]

Wow, having just been on the other side of the coin here, I think all the speculation is premature.

To the OP, only you can decide if the trust can be rebuilt. He has made his efforts to make amends and he has crossed a line, but maybe he is true to his word.

So, the question is really can you rebuild that trust with him? If you believe you can, then you owe it to yourself to try. If you can't, then do him the favor and let him go his own way.

The fact remains she was not even feasible for an affair. I would give him the opportunity to make amends.

[cinnamonlife]

Thanks, "I wish." I do think I can trust him again. And, yes, I suppose that's the only thing that really matters.

[aarn331]

If you confronted him with this and he admitted to it that means he did something worse that you don't know about

[jaime90]

If your relationship is going to be healthy, it will take more than trust. Like I said before, love is actions, commitment, and honesty as well as trust, all 4 of which this guy threw out the window when he started having sex with his ex over the internet. You can trust a guy all you want, but when his actions are saying that he can't be trusted, it's probably a good idea to re-evaluate some things. Words can speak, but actions sing. Have you ever heard of that? Actions speak louder than words? It's true! Only you can choose to continue the relationship or not, and whether to trust the guy. Whatever way you choose, I do wish you two every happieness.

[0rphan]

I think this is serious, you've only caught him with his ex', I wonder how many others he has had cyber sex with,not to mention fantasies and conversations about what sort of position they preferr.

Yes of course he's sorry but only because he's been found out.
You said yourself that he is known as a cheat,which means he is deceitful by his very nature.

Didn't you say that he cheated on this same girl when he started dating you... I would say that in her case,she is seeing pay back time.

I wonder, did you know that he had a girlfriend when you started to date him?

What if he thinks of his ex' every time you have sex, wishing it were her, imagining everything and maybe choosing positions that they have talked about, he most certainly is not going to tell you.

He sounds to me like he can charm the birds out of the trees and every girl friend believes him.

My opinion is to leave him alone free to decieve who ever he wishes, he will only bring you heartache in the end.

[Justwantfair]

What if he was only flirting online and his own girlfriend, who knows him better than the rest of us, believes that he can be trusted again?

What if we make up a hundred scenerios that only cause her to never trust him again?

Can we not take him at his word and actions now? Flirting online has to be the same form of cheating as adultery?

I wonder if that is really what she meant by he has been known as a cheat?

[Jake2008]

I think that if there is a history of cheating, that does indeed plant the seed that it will likely happen again, as you have found out.

Cheating once on a partner, getting counselling, and never repeating past mistakes, is one thing.

Cheating right from the get-go, with you, does not bode well for trust.

It might be a relationship with the potential for a great future, but at some point, the repeated betrayal would indeed, be a deal breaker.

It would be for me.

[Alty]

I have to stick up for Justy here.

I flirt all the time. Nothing ever comes of it because I flirt with people that know that I'm married, happy, not looking to have an affair.

Things are a bit different for me because my husband knows and he's okay with it.

Here's my advice to the OP. He did it, he was caught, he's sorry and he took all the steps necessary to get her out of his life. I think that you should give him another chance.

Here's what I think happened. Ex's can be very persuasive. Obviously at one time he cared about her, maybe he even loved her, but the relationship died. I would bet that she made first contact and he probably didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he went along with it.

The fact that he felt guilty about it shows me that he does care about you.

Definitely talk about this with him. Definitely tell him how you feel, but I would give it another chance.

That's just my opinion. :)

[Synnen]

Wow, there are a lot of bitter, untrusting women responding to this thread.

To the OP: If you think you can trust him, then go with that. Keep communication open with him--INCLUDING those times when you feel insecure. He's cut her from his life, apologized--give him his chance.

But this IS his chance. Apologizing if it happens again isn't going to cut it.

Make sure you BOTH are willing to talk to and listen to each other, about not only this subject but about ANY subject that has a bearing on your relationship.

Only by communication will you rebuild trust.

Oh--and for all of you out there that think "once a cheater, always a cheater", please remember that first off, if you've never cheated, that doesn't make you righteous. That makes you IGNORANT of the reasons people cheat. Secondly, I bet every last one of you has forgiven a fault in someone else that you swore up and down at one point would NEVER forgive--or you've DONE something you said you'd never forgive in another person.

Telling her to DTMFA is a little judgmental, don't you think?

[Jake2008]

I guess time will tell if history will once again, repeat itself.

Being an optimist myself, it may very well work out, and he'll never stray again. Let's hope so for the OP's sake.