[Justwantfair]

I am doing better settling in phase 1 - Acceptance. I still feel him up on his pedestal, but I will take him down in time. My effort in fatality of trying to understand is ending. I am bigger than this. I have had my days of self-pity and they may come again, but I feel stronger. I definitely feel some pity, I know I am emotionally more strong than he will ever be. Although I envy his ability to walk away without any outward emotions or sleepless nights. I am better than that because my heart is fully functional.

[talaniman]

May I suggest some retail therapy? I think you do something good for yourself. Why not? You have given others all you can, but don't forget about you, now.

Do I have to insist, or will you do this on your own?

[Justwantfair]

Actually with the separation of property, there are plenty of purchases to be made. :) Since I have always had ample clothes, although I could use new shoes, I have never been the shopping type.

But I DO LOVE shopping for kitchen and cooking things and just last weekend purchased a gorgeous new pots and pans set and a pressure cooker. :D

I will be doing a lot of shopping between now and when I am officially back on my own. I am excited and it has been a motivating thought this morning.

[talaniman]

Oh Gosh, I should have known you already had that covered. Be careful though as my wife gets very depressed after she has shopped till she drops, and has to wait for more money to do it again. Where do you hide the chocolate? That's what she uses to get through until the next sale.

[Justwantfair]

Well considering (Thank goodness!) I am not a chocolate fan, except certain twelve round times a year, I am safe.

I am already at the waiting for more money, damn... I knew I should pace myself. :)

So my dilemma now is, every other weekend, the weekends I do not have the kids, I deal poker. It's always been extra cash income and I would love to continue to deal, but he plays and he is at almost every event. We have mutual friends there and I would be able to entertain myself away from him and I would be working, but I am wondering now if I have to give it up? Things have been civil, but I know that even though I am making progress two weeks may be too soon to face him, and it would be horrible to fall into old habits there.

Suggestions? It's about $300/m for working two days. Asking him not to attend may be an option and he may avoid going there as he knows I work.

[amicon]

When do you have to decide about the poker? Maybe wait a couple of days and see how you feel? It's a job,him maybe attending the events shouldn't have to stop you from doing something you enjoy.. . (I love playing poker,btw-great game.)
And I'm with on the chocs!

[Justwantfair]

The next game I will be dealing is either the Friday or Saturday of next week. So I have a little time.

[amicon]

Me,I'd go for it and not let anyone come between me and my job/entertainment.

[Justwantfair]

I may try, I love the extra income, if I find it difficult to be there, than rethink my strategy.

What is not to love about poker anyway? ;) Sorry I am a gambler at heart.

[amicon]

Yes me too!:-) sadly poker events are few and far between in my little town.
Take care Justy!

[talaniman]

OMG, I am learning so much about my favorite cyber friends, shocking, just shocking!!

Seriously though Justy, I think you know better than trying to live in fear of what ifs. That's the thing about break ups that's so destructive, that our instinct is to run, and hide, until we feel stronger, but truth be told, we change the things we really need to do, because we are afraid to feel, and deal, with our own hurt, and pain.

Only you know how much you can handle, and what's important to you. But don't make a decision based on fear, but instead look at the facts, and give it thought.

You know the drill, if you see him, short, brief, polite, and keep doing what you were doing. To busy to chit chat about any BS!!

[friend4u178]

Sorry late getting here and really sorry to hear your going through a hard time right now :(

Can't really add too much as the others have already covered it Justy.

But I still feel ( and I'm pretty sure I mentioned it here months ago ) that this was inevitable and it's probably good it finally happened and you can now get on with coming to terms with it.

Either way just want to let you know that I'm here like all the others for you :)

[Cat1864]

I may try, I love the extra income, if I find it difficult to be there, than rethink my strategy.

What is not to love about poker anyway? ;) Sorry I am a gambler at heart.

Do what makes you feel good and helps you deal (sorry for the pun :) ).

About all I can say is once the emotional dust storm blows over and you are able to be a bit more objective about the relationship I think you will find that the 'wall' never came down. He just put in a window to make you think it did. I think you will also find that the landscape was studded with red flags even before the 'mistake'.

As someone who is married to an incorrigible flirt, I know flirting is a major part of his personality that I don't ever want to change. It actually makes me a little upset that your ex tried to change that part of you or use it against you (I think he probably was actively looking for a smoking gun to blow up over long before you crossed any lines.)

I think I will also take this time to thank you for being part of the reason that Cats felt comfortable coming here and getting me involved, too. You and your children are very much in our thoughts (and have been). I'll be here for you along with everyone else. :)

[Justwantfair]

Thanks for your words, Cat. I have always loved flirting, but there is a very heavy line in the sand and I have crossed it once when I was younger. I know there isn't anything more devastating and hurtful that you can do to another person, than cheat on them. It's an insult that cuts to my morals that I have stood firmly on for a very long time now.

In fact, I find flirting here provides even that extra layer of security, as it just isn't feasible. I have often flirted in front of him and I find it entertaining to twist common comments into enuendo.

This place is like a family to me, something that I enjoy and camaraderie that entertains me. I feel freer today and I know that I could have never gotten what I wanted from him. He was looking/digging/searching for something to hold against me, anything. That is why when he tells me what he read, his version is twisted from what was really said.

Today I am a bit more sad than I was yesterday, but I am trying, it's hard when the only thing you really want is that comfort especially after it has been your solace for years.

[amicon]

Some of that famous emotional dust of Tal's starting to settle I think. You can breathe now that you can allow yourself to be you again.
His manipulative ways of controlling you are in the past.

[88sunflower]

Justy you go deal that poker game and you look him right in the eye with your head held high. You flirt like a wild woman and wear some sexy low cut top. Your in charge of your feelings now not him. You will feel good about it and good about it not bringing you down. Don't let him continue to control your feelings. Do it because the money is there and you love doing it. I would keep that head high and if anything he will be uncomfortable and leave.

[Catsmine]

I will flirt with you and even pinch you if we ever meet, but that's all you're going to get. (Besides hugs from Cat and me both, of course)

[Justwantfair]

It's the little things that hurt the most. Every night we would come home, cook dinner together, eat dinner together, and clean up the kitchen TOGETHER, before going downstairs, discussing our day over a cigarette before we would sit down to watch TV.

Tonight I came home, the arrangement was supposed to be my mother cooked, but I came home to cook dinner by myself, with my younger brother and his friend joining after half the dishes were done... I was told that now the dishes would be done at night when they are typically done during the day by my father. I cooked ALONE while the orders piled (breakfast for dinner night) and the dinner was gone before I would have a chance to eat. I did dishes and dried dishes alone and cried at how miserable I am without my partner.

Now I am out smoking in my car (as the smell of me smoking in the basement has taken over the house) hurt that this is my lot for now. Something I had loved and appreciated everyday removed from my life. Wondering why it's the littlest things that mean the most when you lose them. The things you don't remember to acknowledge about your partner that you love and will greatly miss.

I want to send this to him, but know it's just another effort in fatality that I can do without. What happened to my strength, when I am looking at my weakness, so minor and so important to me.

[Alty]

This is a weak moment Justy, only that.

It's natural to remember what was, you were together for 8 years, you became accustomed to having him around, to doing things together.

It's like trying to quit a bad habit. You'll be fine until you do something that reminds you of that habit, then all of a sudden it's back in your mind and you miss it.

The way to get around it is to change your routine, find a different way to do things, find joy in that.

When you get the kids again, make it a big deal, make dinner together, everyone doing their part. Talk about your day, what they did while they were gone, what you did, the things you bought, and enjoy each other.

After dinner and dishes (they can help) pick out a movie you all love and sit together to watch it. Make popcorn, curl up with a blanket, have fun.

You can make a good memory out of the sad one, you really can.

When my dad died and my mom was fighting for her life, I never thought I'd be able to go to the place we used to go to as a family. Too many memories, all of them good, but to go knowing that I'd never go with them again, I couldn't.

Bad thing, every place I went to had a memory attached to it. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without crying my eyes out.

So I took Jared with me. I saw things through his eyes. All of his experiences were new and they became my new memories. Now that time has gone by I can face the old memories and smile. I will never regret the time I had with them, even though it hurt so bad to lose them.

This is like a death Justy and you have to grieve, but don't forget to live too.

[paxe]

The path you are taking is extremely hard and painful, but there is light in the end of the tunnel, remember that.

What you do need to do is to break the cycle of sadness by trying. You need to get out there, encourage yourself to feel happy and to interact with people. Like Nike's ad: "just do it", should be your motto now.