[goldnugget]

Hi all. This is just a general question. I am just seeking opinions on what people want from life outside of work. I know a lot of men who are happy with their family or partners/wives but, as I am getting older (35), I am finding that it is very difficult to find men who are happy with the simple things. I had a relationship from the age of 17 to 30 and then found myself single again. I have had two more relationships since then with men over 40. Both had never been married or had children and both cheated on me. Where are the good men? Send one my way

[NeedKarma]

Let's start with what you consider 'normal' and what these 'simple things' that you want?

[BlazingCold]

I'm not an older guy (20), but I'll offer what I can. The "good" men are out there, keep looking. You may have to change what you are looking for in a guy, since your last 2 relationships ended the same way. How were the two of them similar?

What is "normal", anyway?

[goldnugget]

OK normal is what I call someone just being happy with someone. Just a simple life. No hookers, no gambling too much... just working and looking forward to spending time with your partner... normal time just doing normal things. Going for walks, going out for dinner etc, etc

[NeedKarma]

Oh OK, that's fair enough, all seems very reasonable. Certainly as men and women get older they bring with them more 'baggage' from their life's experiences. Is it possible you are attracted to a more "dangerous" type of guy versus a more sedate person? That would explain the previous two relationships.

[goldnugget]

I understand where you are coming from karma but the two men that I have had relationships with since my partner of 13 years led me to believe that they had the same morals and values as me. They were just 'normal' guys. I don't really think it's about sex because I am no prude but I think coming back into the single scene is crap. I still thought I might be able to find a guy at my age who is just 'happy' to be 'happy'. I am now doubting that... I realise now that a guy who has never really had a commitment probably never will. My last partner said he loved me etc, etc but still went to massage parlours for masturbation. None of my parntners have been 'bad' boys

[Wildcat21]

Some men are - you just need to take time and find the right one. Go slow!!

[bj_1964]

Goldnugget,

I understand where you are coming from as I am wondering where all the "normal" women are!

I have been divorced for 12 years (no kids) and dated and had a couple of serious relationships along the way. The most recent one, I thought I had found the one, as she had been cheated on by her ex, and we both understood ( I thought) the importance of a committed, normal relationship. She had two kids who I got along great with, and she would often comment about our future together.

After a couple of months she did a total flip on me, and wanted to slow down. A couple weeks after wanting to slow down, I heard that she was dating two other guys, without really breaking it off with me. A month later there are four guys in the picture.

I really have a hard time understanding what drives a person to behavior like this. Myself, I have never cheated on any of my relationships, and when single would not even consider a relationship with someone who is already married or in a serious relationship.

I still try to keep faith that there are a few "good" people out there and that eventually I will find one!

[imation]

Maybe 'normal' is not what those guys were looking for? Or maybe it was and then there wasn't enough excitement...
Maybe a normal life of going out and spending time together and working and that ordinary home life feeling wasn't making them feel important or special
As we all well know, everybody wants to feel loved, everybody wants to mean something to someone, is it possible that in your efforts searching for a 'normal' life, you forgot the excitement?

[goldnugget]

Marry me bj! Just kidding. I still want excitement imation and I didn't forget that in any of my relationships. I just don't want cheating and hookers. I don't think it's too much to expect that if I have a relationship with someone that they will respect my health and wellbeing by not having sexual contact with others. I never thought I would become one of those women who don't trust men but I think I have.

[s_cianci]

Well, advice we can give you, but romance is something else as this isn't a matchmaking site. I can certainly sympathize with your dilemma in that a lot of men (and women) cannot seem to let themselves be content "with the simple things", as you say. As for me personally, I value my family and the things I like and enjoy above all others. As for career, my philosophy is I work to live, I don't live to work. That's just my take on things.

As for finding the "right" man, you need to take things slow and easy. Play the field with a "many are called but few are chosen" orientation. What I mean by that is, date a lot of guys but don't rush to get serious with anybody. Even if they seem "to share the same morals" as you, still take your time and be cautious and let them show you that they are who they say they are. Keep your standards high and require them to match up to your standards before getting into anything serious or committed with any of them. Remember, it is a privilege for them to be with you and that's how to have to come off. Don't be haughty or arrogant about it but stick to your guns. That's the only way to change your luck.

[bj_1964]

i don't think it's too much to expect that if i have a relationship with someone that they will respect my health and wellbeing by not having sexual contact with others. i never thought i would become one of those women who don't trust men but i think i have.

I agree, that is not too much to ask, and in my opinion is a basic requirement of any relationship.

I know how you feel about the trust issue, as I am having the same doubts about whether I can trust anyone again. I am trying to stay positive and really learn from this last experience. This is not the first time I have had a relationship with this type of person, and I am trying to learn what draws me to this type and how better to see the truth earlier before I get too serious.

Looking back there were definitely signs early on that I chose to ignore and I know I need to get better at paying attention to the warning flags in the future. Hopefully that will allow me to find someone deserving of my trust.

[ordinaryguy]

I know how you feel about the trust issue, as I am having the same doubts about whether I can trust anyone again. I am trying to stay positive and really learn from this last experience. This is not the first time I have had a relationship with this type of person, and I am trying to learn what draws me to this type and how better to see the truth earlier before I get too serious.

Looking back there were definitely signs early on that I chose to ignore and I know I need to get better at paying attention to the warning flags in the future. Hopefully that will allow me to find someone deserving of my trust.

Ah, the beginning of wisdom--looking within for the causes of patterns without. I think most of us have to repeat a pattern at least a couple of times before we start to realize that it's more than just bad luck, and that we played our own part in bringing it about.

It's a fine line between trust and gullibility. Trust is earned, and we don't owe it to anybody who we haven't been around long enough, and in enough different situations to establish a reasonable basis for it. A major warning flag is people who demand it too soon, and become insulted if you tell them that it takes time to develop trust and you're not there yet. I don't think I've ever met a person who turned out to actually be trustworthy who was in a great big hurry to be trusted. Trustworthy people are usually patient as well, and are perfectly happy to go slow in the beginning.

[valinors_sorrow]

Looking back there were definitely signs early on that I chose to ignore and I know I need to get better at paying attention to the warning flags in the future. Hopefully that will allow me to find someone deserving of my trust.

That is a really a very big key part to some of what I hear you asking about here and it goes deeper than that too. If you can't find something or someone you are looking for, part of what needs to be thoughtfully examined is the process by which you are "looking". That's only reasonable. LOL

I will say this, it really is getting more challenging in the American culture to find good jobs, good neighbors, good friends, good lovers. But that is because of what is happening to many of the people who influence the workplace, the neighborhood, the dating scene, etc. I have seen significant changes in who we are collectively. I believe in many ways people have become more dysfunctional while at the same time its become harder to distinguish the dysfunctional from the functional. In short our Father Knows Best days are long long gone.

This makes our individual ability to discern all the more needed. It also means that instead of being jaded, we should simply be slower, much slower about things and wear them a little lighter meanwhile. It helps to take things with a grain of skepticism until consistency over time or independent confirmation takes us to the next level. While we can't prevent ourselves from all deception (looks at the poor folks swindled by corporations) we can minimize it considerably getting more emotional smart about stuff... which it sounds like you are doing. Do more of that, BJ - I think you will find amazing results along with maybe someone who'll turn out to be a soulmate.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I will say this, it really is getting more challenging in the American culture to find good jobs, good neighbors, good friends, good lovers. But that is because of what is happening to many of the people who influence the workplace, the neighborhood, the dating scene, etc. I have seen significant changes in who we are collectively.

This speaks volumes for the British culture too.. I don't think we are far different from our american neighbours..

This is great stuff val... You have HUGE insight!!

[valinors_sorrow]

This speaks volumes for the British culture too..I don't think we are far different from our american neighbours..

This is great stuff val...You have HUGE insight!!!!!!!!

Yes I know about it happening to the UK as well. I have friends there and we thought about relocating there and to other places too but its actually happening in quite a few countries, I hate to say. Some part of some "gets worse before it gets better" plan, I hope? Seems when we researched it, it ended up not happening only in places we didn't want to be---yikes! LOL So maybe moving is not the answer. Who knows! :o

[bj_1964]

It helps to take things with a grain of skepticism until consistency over time or independent confirmation takes us to the next level.

Val,

You are correct that our culture has changed. Looking back I know my biggest mistake was putting value on her words rather than her actions. She told me exactly what I wanted to hear, which made me think she was the 'trustworthy' person I was looking for. Had I put as much value in her actions, I would have seen where this was headed.

You are correct, slow is the answer, and consistency of others actions over time defines who they really are.

[talaniman]

I think that looking for love is the wrong approach. Let it find you. If you're a happy fun loving person that's the kind of person you will attract. Instead of looking for a relationship concentrate on who you are and what you enjoy. Take steps to try different things and be around fun loving people. Single people have the advantage of going out with a variety of people and can take their time with who they finally choose to be with. So get out their and explore and enjoy. ATTITUDE.

[goldnugget]

Yes, your advice is all great. The problem I have is that I have taken all of my relationships slow (I have only had 3). I had one from the age of 17 to 30, one from the age of 32 to 33 and one from the age of 33 to 35 and with all of these relationships I have waited to become intimate etc and all of these men were 'normal' guys. I have never gone for the 'bad' boy etc. perhaps I should become more 'sluty'? Nevertheless, I am over it... I am not into dating many people

[Wildcat21]

I think you're doing it right.

The bad boy will only abuse and use you.

We preach going gslow if you want a relationship... rushing into thngs always results in crash nad burn.