[BrookeRhd]

Dear all,
I'll try to keep it as brief and concise because the story per se is years long. Some years ago I was seeing this guy, it was more like a friends with benefits situation; at times we would go for months without seeing each other and then sort of hang out and hook up when we did. This guy I used to see introduced me to a really good friend of his (Chris) and we instantly bonded: we straight away became really good friends, we'd talk all the time, he'd call me and text me during the summer, and he would sleep over at my place from time to time, our relationship still being completely platonic. A couple of years ago I stopped seeing his friend, and in turn, Chris had a brief relationship with one of my girl friends. We lost touch for a while, as the both of us were leading very different lives, up until recently, where prior to the summer we 'rekindled' our friendship and started talking again from time to time.
Purely by coincidence this summer we found ourselves in the same place and started hanging out.. needless to say, I felt as if none of the years had passed, and (strangely enough) just like old times we slept in the same bed doing nothing more than cuddling. At that point, Chris had started to give me mixed signals, telling me he'd want to kiss me, saying we should try being together because we are such good friends etc etc. Nothing(but kisses) happened until a couple of weeks later, when after practically living at his place for a whole week (and after all of these years of foreplay haha) we had sex. 4 months have passed since then, and we are still having sex.
Things are evolving very very slowly, again he is giving me mixed signals.. he shows me he is jealous about other guys and the sex has become much sweeter and he is constantly telling me how much he cares yet he hasn't really initiated 'the talk' and sometimes we will go for days at a time without seeing each other. I think both of us started having sex thinking things wouldn't really change much naively enough, but as we all know sex changes everything. It doesn't feel at all like we are buddies, he is not at all acting that way, nonetheless, neither of us seem to want to talk about our feelings. At this point I've definitely fallen for him and I need to know where we stand but for some reason, as cheesy as it may sound I am having problems initiating the talk.

Any advice would be very much appreciated, I am really confused.. thank you all

[talaniman]

Like you say a lot of foreplay, then a lot of free sex, and as in most "friends with benefits" things, one partner, or the other wants more. Instead of waiting for "the talk", you better clear the air, and find out what's up.

[BrookeRhd]

Ok, any advice on how to do that? As I said, I feel as if I am 'verbally blocked'...

[amicon]

Then unblock yourself,and just ask him where he wants to go with this-atleast then you'll know.

[BrookeRhd]

I wish it was that simple.. I'll try. Probably what's blocking me is that I don't want to corner him/freak him out and risk losing all of this!

[amicon]

The alternative is carrying on the way you are for maybe weeks or months-what would you prefer?

[artlady]

he shows me he is jealous about other guys

That is NOT an indication of love.
That is an indication of ego and a sense of ownership.I would not read anything more into it than that.

Also love and lust and commonly misinterpreted.Its an easy mistake.

How to have the talk?

Listen,I think I'm falling for you and I am am feeling a little scared by it.
Or whatever feeling you are feeling.

You are comfortable enough to engage in the most intimate acts of giving of yourself but are too shy or embarrassed to speak?
Doesn't that sound a little silly when you look at it from that standpoint?

Bite the bullet and tell the truth,if you don't look out for you ,no one else is going to.

[BrookeRhd]

Artlady nobody said anything about love and yes I completely agree it is an indication of ego and ownership.
I know it is completely paradoxical as well as stupid, sleeping with someone and not knowing how to open up feeling wise... For what it's worth it is the first time this has ever happened to me but thanks for your words, I will try my best!

[talaniman]

You seem to be so well versed in lust, maybe its time to learn new skills to go with it. What's left after the lost is gone? More lust?

[BrookeRhd]

You seem to be so well versed in lust, maybe its time to learn new skills to go with it. Whats left after the lost is gone? More lust?

You have a point..

[BrookeRhd]

But don't you think it would freak him out if I just sprang at him, asking for answers after all these months?

[talaniman]

What if he doesn't? You need to find out if its your body, or you, he is making love to.

You actually should have been laying the foundations for communications months ago. Maybe its time to start. If a conversation about where this thing is going freaks him out, then you have nothing but sex to begin with.

What is it your looking for here Brooke? What is he looking for? You can only find out by talking about it, Geez, what have you guys been talking about for the last few months?

[BrookeRhd]

Haha talaniman you are most certainly right. Thank you for that, I am loving your advice.

When do you think would be a good time to tell him? And seeing as though you are quite the expert, how should I tell him? Too many questions I know!

[talaniman]

Better to many questions, than not enough.

I will have to advise you to really pay attention to your partner, and just learn to talk to him, in a way he talks to you. There is no special time, or place, but more of HOW you approach him.

Have you not expressed love, or told each other you love each other, after all that sex, and foreplay? Letting someone know how you feel goes beyond just the words, but in the actions as well. What do his actions tell you? Do his words match those actions?

What do you do when your not having sex? Is it fun for you both?

Darn, so many questions!! I await your answers though!

[BrookeRhd]

We have expressed our love and he does tell me he loves me but somehow at this point I feel like it's not enough. It's not that I need to label what we are, it's just that I have come to a point where I need reassuring because what we have is just not enough any more.

His actions definitely seem to match his feelings, which is what confuses me even more, why won't he make things right? Why won't he start talking?

When we are not having sex it's amazing still, we have a lot of fun and do all kinds of things.. go to the movies, go out with his friends, so it's not like we only hang out to sleep together. And when we're NOT together,he calls,he writes.. damn,I am so confused!

[talaniman]

I have come to a point where I need reassuring because what we have is just not enough any more.

What more is it you want? You seem to have it all.

[BrookeRhd]

All I have is uncertainty

[talaniman]

We all face uncertainty, that's life, but you have something to build on, so my question is still, what do you want for yourself? What do you expect him to be doing, that he isn't now??

[BrookeRhd]

Clarify the situation for starters.. for all I know he could be seeing other people, we've never talked about it.
The situation is absolutely paradoxical, it's like I have eveything but really I have 'nothing'. You get what I mean?

[artlady]

Clarify the situation for starters.. for all I know he could be seeing other people, we've never talked about it.
The situation is absolutely paradoxical, it's like I have eveything but really I have 'nothing'. You get what I mean?

It sounds like you want a declaration of love and fidelity.That is perfectly reasonable.You are starting to fall for him and you want to know where you stand.Who wouldn't?

You are putting yourself out there and its quite reasonable to want to protect yourself from heartbreak.

Did it ever occur to you that he may be worrying about the same things as you?

Wondering where he stands and if there is a future.

If you think broaching the subject may drive him away and if it does,than you have your answer and you have spared yourself some grief.

It is very important if you are to have a successful healthy relationship that you have a discussion about expectations for the relationship and make sure you are on the same page.

Look out for yourself and simply tell him you feelings.It is the foundation to any healthy relationship so you need to establish it as a habit early on.