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boredashell · Dec 24, 2009, 11:09 AM

I am 31, she is 29.

So its been a few weeks of minimal contact with texts all initiated by her (with no response by me) telling me that she will always love me and she misses me and is sorry for hurting me, wished me a happy holiday "even though it is not with her". Along with tension filled face to face visits while she got her things out of my place. I sent this message to my x.

"I really think that breaking up was a good idea. I have some big decisions to make and need time to think them over. Moving forward, I would appreciate it if you didn't contact me."

She responded

"No problem. Ill let you know when i am coming by to get things and it would be nice if you werent there. Clearly you used me and got everything that you could take from me and you dont care what happens to me. At least I know what kind of person you really are.

So have a nice life."

The truth is the I am a very nice guy, early on in the relationship a bit jealous but have grown out of that pretty well. This is our 3rd, maybe 4th breakup and I am going to no-contact much sooner and without all of the pleading and neediness. She is taking it as I am being mean by not helping her pack her things and such which is ridiculous.

This is another case of her wanting to "not be in a relationship and focus on her career." I take that to mean that she wants to meet other guys and not feel guilty when she flirts with them but whatever. The back and forth thing is getting old but I really love her more than anything in the world and would like things to work out. She is a very special girl that has some issues that she needs to work out with trust and commitment.

Yesterday I had a conversation with her mom (they have a very tense relationship, always fighting) and was told that she went off on her mom for taking my side (not sure what that even means, her mom just told her that this is difficult for the two of you and she wishes us both the best) and said that "he doesn't even want to marry me and he never talks about rings". I have been very busy with work but every time we talk about rings it is fun and I am positive and tell her as soon as I can financially get the ring she deserves I would love to marry her. Here's the deal, I have the setting just not the diamond so I was in shock to hear that she thinks I don't want to marry her. She never mentioned that as a problem to me during this breakup at all.

What to do? I guess the no-contact is the way to go and it is actually so much easier the 4th time around. Her family and all of her friends tell me that she loves me and doesn't want to meet anyone else but she is just a difficult emotional person. Oh, one other thing, this always happens when she is pms'ing. I am not being sexist but that is really the case. The day after she did it she told this to her best friend and was saying how she doesn't know if she made the right decision or not.

Thoughts?

boredashell · Dec 24, 2009, 11:12 AM

Sent nc text today.

JBeaucaire · Dec 24, 2009, 12:13 PM

YOU sent a text? Then you've broken NC and have to start over.

A true NC would be you NOT opening texts from her either, just delete them unread, if you happen to have some way to make that automatic, all the better. Just like email, train your computer to delete the emails FROM her without you ever seeing them.

That's No Contact.

Reading her emails, texts, talking to her mom about it and getting info through her... none of that is NC. It's all contact and should stop.

The ring stuff... seriously, this is a waste of your energy, isn't it? You love this girl and the behavior she aims at you enough to actually still think about marrying it? Really?

I hope not. You're actually on the path to a real relationship, as soon as you commit to it. Your joyous lifemate is still out there waiting for you to get into her life. Get to it, mate!

You can't really expect to get into her head and understand anything she says/does in response to your honoring her "breakup" with a NC of your own.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2009, 12:45 PM

Sorry for your situation, but breaking that break up, to make up cycle is the way to go right now. For whatever reasons, PMS notwithstanding, staying away from each other (NC) is the way to go, as it seems that you couldn't get over that hump of dealing with your issues better, no matter whose fault it was.

Hopefully she will see a doctor, and deal with her problem. Yours for now, is doing NC correctly, and that does mean her family, and friends, also.

As JB has pointed out, no text, emails, face books, phone calls, and when you see her in public, polite but brief, (hi & bye) but don't be available for long conversations about the past.

boredashell · Dec 24, 2009, 12:51 PM

Thanks guys,

I was just clarifying that the actual no-contact text was sent today. So officially it starts today. History with her has shown that when I do NC she comes back before I can move on and I take her back. She still has some things in my place so how do I achieve actual NC? I also need her to take care of a business matter which will require a contact reminder via email. When she leaves me its great for me because I am able to grow personally but I wish she made it possible to do that while we were together. Its either all or nothing for her, either she is all about me and does everything for me and takes care of me (which I don't ask her to) or she has to be selfish and only think of herself and career and cut me off. No balance whatsoever. Not talking to her family or her friends is tough since I am in a new city (2 weeks) and don't have any friends here yet.

J. Sparks · Dec 24, 2009, 02:30 PM

You should have said
"Moving forward, I would appreciate it if you didn't contact me, (for a month or 2 so I can have time to think)."

Instead of cutting off completely.
(you can always do that in 2 months time) :)

I'm going though the same deal, you can read my crappy sob story - "OK - I'm going N/C". They're all the same it's the same patterns over and over. Women don't think like us in the slightest.

Your woman can't be your best friend on the same level that us guys want it to be, it never works. You always have to be on top of the relationship, on top of your game.

She will fight about anything trivial she can pounce on. But it's all because there's no ring on her finger and she's got nothing to show her women friends.

I'm not in your relationship so it isn't going to be exactly what I'm telling you but it's going to be very close.

Anyway, stay cool dude, don't talk to her parents, she'll hate you more because even with the best intentions it's still manipulation.

boredashell · Dec 29, 2009, 04:00 AM

Update. I am feeling really good about the breakup. I think it is really better for me to meet someone new. Honestly I think the real reason I want her so bad is because of the comfort and being scared of not finding someone new. Don't get me wrong, she is beautiful and I really love her but I am in a new city with no friends so there is a comfort factor I am leaning on. I have been forcing myself to go out every day and talk to new people. Some days I feel like just staying in but every time I go out it is so worth it. If I can find someone to casually date and do activities with I am sure I can move on from this back and forth rollercoaster and be happy with myself and gain a higher self-worth in the process. I have been reading more, taking language classes, creating art, learning to ride a motorcycle, getting involved in local charities, getting my apartment set up the way I want it. Things are looking good. I miss her but I don't even have any desire to call her. She contacts me and gets angry that I don't respond saying that I must "really not care about her" and that her life is "so difficult." And she "see's what kind of person I really am" since I am not helping her with her move. She is so jealous and pissed that I am talking to other girls (which she call's sluts). You would think that I was the one that broke up with her! Why do women always want to have the best of both worlds? She would love for me to be just waiting around at home while she goes off and does whatever the hell she wants.

boredashell · Dec 29, 2009, 04:03 AM

I took your advice and cut off all contact with her family (save for a few business matters). That really helps too. I realize that I was talking to her family as a way to keep a connection with her.

amicon · Dec 29, 2009, 04:19 AM

I'm happy you are doing so well-keep going. But you really need to either delete her texts without reading them, or better still change your number. Proper Nc is ignoring all their rants etc.
All the best.

boredashell · Dec 29, 2009, 11:39 AM

The problem is that we lived together for 2 years and I still have some things of hers in my place. I want to just get rid of it all but I am really not a jerk so I am giving her time to find a new apartment and get it out. I need my privacy though because this will be a problem for sure the first time I bring a new girl over my place. I don't want her to see any of her things or I don't want my ex to suddenly appear and scare away the new girl.

talaniman · Dec 29, 2009, 11:52 AM

Storage is what you need! Pay for it and give her the key. Problem solved.

boredashell · Jan 11, 2010, 07:22 AM

Update:

So she came back the day before new years by just showing up in my bed. I went with it since I was bored but new years day she said she needed a few days to think about things still. I was like,? No way, good bye. Righ away she called and was like, "please don't write me out of your life forever, i just need to figure myself out." Haven't contacted her since. Just went back to single life again and doing just fine. She is pissed that I won't respond to her texts or emails and is threatening to come and take her things. I am thinking, is this girl insane?? I have been telling her to get her things out of here for 4 weeks now! Its just some books and pots and pans but seriously she is keeping things here to keep a connection with me but I am done. I boxed up everything I had boxes to fit and dropped them off at her condo front desk last week. I am moved on from this immature relationship. I've really thought so much about how taken for granted I was. Also, what does it tell you about someone when their reason for not being in a relationship is to pursue their career/job? Hmmm. How do they plan on doing business? Anyway just my thoughts. I do believe that she is going to try and come back again but who cares. Soooo many people for me to meet. The moral is, they do come back if they have feelings for you, but if you really think about it (and think rationally) you probably shouldn't take them back.

boredashell · Jan 11, 2010, 07:25 AM

Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future

amicon · Jan 11, 2010, 07:38 AM

Well, trusting in the future is a good thing,so have another think about that!

boredashell · Jan 11, 2010, 08:08 AM

Taken from Horace, just means to live life to the fullest and don't count on things being the same tomorrow. Not in a negative way though.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 11, 2010, 08:17 AM

Originally Posted by boredashell

Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future

Yes, oh well I guess that blows no contact and moving on out the window, so in two months tell us when it starts again.

Imabadman · Jan 11, 2010, 08:39 AM

Interesting read Boredashell. Seems like you're not playing her game and she's pouting.

I certainly can understand how you miss/missed the comfort of being with her but if you can rationalize the comfort vs. pain she brings to your life I think you'll logically come to a conclusion.

boredashell · Jan 11, 2010, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, oh well I guess that blows no contact and moving on out the window, so in two months tell us when it starts again.

Not sure what you mean?

Newguy2009 · Jan 11, 2010, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by boredashell

Update:

So she came back the day before new years by just showing up in my bed. I went with it since I was bored but new years day she said she needed a few days to think about things still.

I think what Fr_Chuck is trying to say is that you broke NC by "going with it" when she showed up. She is obviosly making you an option in her life while she explores other options (guys) with you to fall back on because it has happened 4 times and she knows you will be there when it doesn't work out for her. JMHO

Talaniman says it best: " Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."

boredashell · Jan 12, 2010, 09:29 PM

I agree completely. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool me four times what the hell is wrong with this relationship? Time to move on. I see the light. Not going to be there anymore. I am noticing sooo many woman that appreiate what I have to offer and I don't have to chase them. We despise what comes easy unless we truly appreciate it's value.