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Cat1864 · Dec 21, 2009, 06:01 AM

Originally Posted by coffeeluver

As much as I have tried to follow all of your advice, I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am such a disappointment and I have let myself down. I really appreciate the help from you all, and I apologize for not listening. It's so much easier said than done though..

What's wrong with you is that you have convinced yourself that you love this man.

It isn't going to be easy. It will be painful. You will have weak moments. However, you make a decision to stop being used as hot body to satisfy his needs when his wife isn't available or he wants a change. Once you make that decision and point yourself in the correct direction, don't look back and DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT with him. If you feel the need to contact him, come here instead. Delete his phone number, block his calls/emails, hang up on him, delete texts unread, most of all GIVE YOURSELF A FIGHTING CHANCE and more than a couple of days.

For right now, take it one hour at a time if you have to.

Get involved in things that help take up your time and keep you from being available or thinking about him. Surround yourself with friends and family. Make new friends. Start doing something for yourself that you have wanted to do but haven't made the time for. Don't spend more energy on this person. He isn't worth the paper for a Dear John letter or that his marriage certificate is printed on.

You can change and you are listening. Time to put the advice to work.

redhed35 · Dec 21, 2009, 06:54 AM

I have read all the posts coffeelover,and the one thing that no one said was, if its not you,it will be someone else...

You're a warm and willing vagina to him,that's all,and he will replace you quick as you like...

He does not love you,he dose not want a future or children with you,he wants nothing from you going to get his rocks off...

That's pretty demeaning, don't you deserve more then that?

Don't you deserve to make plans and fall in love with someone who wants you?

How long are you going to continue to do this? 5 years 10 years,I doubt he will hang around that long,you will be traded in for a newer model!

There's a saying where I'm from its called 'cop on' it means get a grip of yourself and look at what's going on around you..

If you need back up in real time,how about confiding in a friend or family member,they can support.

Don't waste your time or your youth or your love any more...

Walk away.

smoothy · Dec 21, 2009, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I am a guy and I wasn't speaking about most guys, I was referring to the OP's love interest. And he probably didn't tell her everything that's going on at home, but you're speculating just as I am.

By saying it's not always the cheater's fault, you are trying to justify this guy's cheating. He made the choice to cheat, it's on him completely. There are a lot of other roads he could've taken, like, as I mentioned earlier, counciling.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, because even good people can make bad choices, but the husbands who make the conscious decision to cheat and try to deflect all responsibility for it (by saying their nagging wife drove them to do it) are just plain sh*t.

Had you any sense of empathy you would realize being emotionally involved with someone, even if it's wrong, makes breaking up very hard. I don't blame her for what she's done, this jerk-off played his hand real slick, he waited until she started to fall for him and then put on the brakes by telling her he's married so he wouldn't have to commit to her; he has her just where he wants her.

Empathy is over rated... feeling someone's pain does nothing towards helping them or the situation. Objective understanding is needed, not empathy wich is purely subjective.

Facts are facts... dancing around them does nobody any good.

Anyone , man or woman who is a big enough PITA to their spouse risks driving that spouse to another.

There are usually 2 people with a share of responsibility for problems. Its rarely 100% the fault of just one. Thus it isn't fair to dump 100% of the blame on one.

Now people who are in a bad situation and refuse to see things for what they are and take advice that it might be time to leave have to assume responsibility for staying in that situation. They after all made the choise and nobody is locking them in the house and chaining them to the floor.

Yeah, we are all speculating. We aren't there. And we are always only hearing one side of the story. Which by its nature is skewed to that persons viewpoint. And rarely objective.

Not intended to belittle anyone here much less the OP. Just wanting to put a little perspective into it.

If someone by pure bad luck stumbles on to a true player... then they need to run from that situation. Players never change overnight.

kp2171 · Dec 22, 2009, 04:54 AM

Usually I rail on people who don't read through a thread to see how its developed, who simply read the original post and spew out an answer without doing the work needed to really understand the problem in detail.

Today I'm one of those people who don't read through. My feelings on this are strong enough I know its not going to be swayed one way or another.

I'm in the middle of a divorce. A fairly amicable one all things considered. We care for each other, love each other, want all involved to have a happy life.

Her circumstances were a bit different. She is married, her lover was married. She knew this on the front side of the relationship... but that doesn't change things for me. The "i was tricked" angle doesn't buy leverage.

This is where things are in this relationship... my wife had an affair that lasted several years. It wasn't her intent. But there it is. It "happened"... one day at a time.

Her lover, in the end, left her. He stayed with his wife. Chose his kids over her. Never did right by her... not that she was a victim.

So... you can emotionally be attached to a person who isn't good for you. It happens. A lot.

You don't get a complete pardon. He wasn't honest. Not your fault. You haven't walked away. Your fault.

You signed up and posted here because it's a struggle for you... you want to change things... you know this isn't what you want.

Well... my personal experience tells me to tell you to walk away, be hurt and angry. My love described her lover as the "bottle she couldnt put down"... now, after almost ten years married, she has lost so much. Most of her friends, many of her family, her marriage, etc... and she's going to be mourning the loss of this Love of her Life and the loss of her marriage for a long time. Not a good place to be.

Sorry you are in this place. Sorry you are hurting. You don't get to stay and complain. What you do with your time on earth is up to you. I won't judge what is right or wrong for you... its your life... I've just seen variations of this scenario end in real heartbreak... sometimes quickly or sometimes after years have been invested... you have to believe in whatever you do next... fundamentally feel it in your heart and then own it.

sandalwood7 · Dec 23, 2009, 01:28 AM

I have also loved a married man, and this was one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have EVER made.

You are hanging on to something that you believe that you cannot do without. I know how that feels, but you are WRONG.

If you look at the reality of your relationship with him it is not what you want. It is draining you. It is eroding yourself confidence and dignity. You are viewing it with rose coloured spectacles right now.

Once you cut off all contact as you have been advised by the other members to do, you will feel a great release. With time you will grow back your selfrespect and dignity and peace with yourself. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS TOO... I UNDERSTAND. Just do it... as soon as possible. Short and sharp. Rip that dirty bandage off! (fast not slowly, it hurts more)

HE has no respect for you,and the way that he is treating his wife shows that he has little respect for women full stop. He will never offer you the things you want or the life that you want.

The thing that helped me previously was imagining his poor wife and putting myself in her situation (Who would want to be with a man like that right?). Also, he is putting his wife at risk ofSTI's/diseases without her knowledge (respect drops even lower,to unmeasurable evels). He is perhapseven playing mind games with you(especially if he knows how you feel about him).

At the end of the day, even if YOUR 'dream' came trueand he left his wife to start a life with you, do you think this would be a good thing? NO! You would feel bad. The relationship with him would not even be likely to work (check out internet statistics). You will be labelled a home wrecker by others, and ehat will you have at the end of the day?: A piece of *&%$t man not even worth the weight of the letters that spell his name.

You can do better. I don't judge you at all, but do the right thing. You will feel better for it within days. Next time, choose someone who is unattached (be sure of this, I have been lied to before) and who DESERVES your love.

Good luck

MARRIED MEN ARE OFF LIMITS REGARDLESS OF WHAT FEELINGS EITHER PERSON HAS.

sandalwood7 · Dec 23, 2009, 01:30 AM

By the way, I didn't mean to make it sound like all men are bad, and all women deserving of their love. It goes both ways. I was just speaking from the point of view of my sex (female) and the OP's sex.

JUST THE SAME THING CAN HAPPEN WITH THE SEX's REVERSED AND IT I WOULD VIEW IT IN THE SAME NEGATIVE WAY.

bigblack · Dec 23, 2009, 09:35 PM

Acceptance Coffeeluver,

If you accept your own words to him, great. But I don't suspect you do. i.e. : "I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!?" What I would love you to chant in your mind is that 'having sex with my married lover is demeaning, and I deserve better." Then continually go to, "I deserve better". If we were there, we would try to wake you up to the fact that YOU DESERVE BETTER. You are being deceived by the selfish interests of this married man by getting you to believe that he's interested in the person you are. I believe that he's actually only interested in keeping his own unamusing life interesting by keeping you as a game on the side of his married life.

Believe me, you are not 'dissappointing' us. Keep your own personal values alive and don't let them be swayed by your selfish lover. Why you 'can't do it' is because you think it will be harder without him than with him. You will be MUCH better without him as you won't put your life on hold waiting for his response on when the next meeting may (or may not) take place... you will let him know you aren't a game that he plays at his will or amusement... you are worth the full attention of a real lover... and if you don't believe me - just imagine his life with his wife when you are not playing with him or his text games. He'll lose a lot of steps on the totem pole... if it has taken him this long to realize his position with you - you are worth more than that kind of rational thinker.

I apologize, I didn't mean to ramble that long... I just want you to realize that you are worth the loving attention of another partner, so much more than the attention you've received from this one! My best.

hheath541 · Dec 23, 2009, 09:49 PM

Originally Posted by coffeeluver

The reason he is cheating is because his wife isn't satisfying him in bed and he's bored.

That is the most common reason used for cheating, and almost always a lie. Cheating is about control and having the forbidden. He gets a thrill out of going behind his wife's back and lying to her. He also enjoys knowing that he has you on a string that he can tug whenever he wants to.

My guess, is that he comes to you either right after or right before he has sex with his wife, because it turns him on to know that he can lie to two women and have them both believe him. He knows you're becoming emotionally involved, and that just excites him more. If he never planned on it being more than sex, he never would've talked to you beyond planning booty calls.

He's using you and deceiving you just as much as he is his wife. Possibly more so, because she probably doesn't have all the facts. You know what's in his hand and you're STILL buying into his bluff.

If you don't break this off now, you're just going to ruin 3 peoples' lives. You will have to live with the knowledge and stigma of being a homewrecker. He will have to live with the fact that he broke his wife's heart and ruined their marriage. She will have to live with the fact that her world was shattered by a cheating husband and a woman who apparently didn't think there was anything wrong with sleeping with a married man.

smoothy · Dec 24, 2009, 09:01 AM

Originally Posted by hheath541

that is the most common reason used for cheating, and almost always a lie. cheating is about control and having the forbidden. he gets a thrill out of going behind his wife's back and lying to her. he also enjoys knowing that he has you on a string that he can tug whenever he wants to.

my guess, is that he comes to you either right after or right before he has sex with his wife, because it turns him on to know that he can lie to two women and have them both believe him. he knows you're becoming emotionally involved, and that just excites him more. if he never planned on it being more than sex, he never would've talked to you beyond planning booty calls.

he's using you and deceiving you just as much as he is his wife. possibly more so, because she probably doesn't have all the facts. you know what's in his hand and you're STILL buying into his bluff.

Its not always a lie... trust me... I dated a few that actually were that boring... and worse (I had the common sense to get away from them). I don't doubt there are guys like that as well.

But it IS likely new partner excitement at play. It takes a lot of work on the part of BOTH people to keep it fresh and exciting. There is a LOT more to it than just going with the flow. If both aren't pro-active it will get dull after enough time.

None of us really knows what happens in his house or not. We only know what she tells up about what he told her... thats already passed through enough people that nobody can be sure what really is happening in that household. It might be as bad as he says or worse... and conversely what he told her might be a complete lie, or anything in between.

But the fact remains she knows he's married and as long as she remains she shares an equal part of the blame for the situation.

What she needs to do is simply walk away... deal with the pain like an adult. Yeah its going to hurt for a while... but who here hasn't dealt with that at least several times. Want real pain? Lose a parent or child. Walking away from this situation will be easy in comparison.

judenyce · Dec 28, 2009, 10:37 PM

I'm just wondering how you're doing. I, like you, have been the 'other woman'. And I, like you, thought that I could just have 'sex' without getting hung up emotionally. You and I just aren't cut out for it. I have even tried with guys that really are single, but it doesn't work. I have to have the emotional connection, and I think that if I wasn't having sex with the guys I've tried having a 'benefits' kind of deal with, I probably wouldn't have any kind of emotional connection with them either. But the physical act of sex, at least for me, creates an emotional connection. Hopefully you are a single girl without kids because your options are more plentiful. I am a single mom with two kids and a full-time job. It's impossible for me to find ANYONE much less someone to have an actual relationship with. You will find someone though.

I liked the other person's advice though about whenever you feel yourself start to lose your resolve, think about how crappy you felt every time he chose his wife over you, how he probably had sex with the two of you in the same day, maybe didn't even wash himself in between? Sorry for being graphic, but you got to do what you got to do.

I'm also guessing that you're like me and don't have a whole lot of friends around. This is something else that will help. Put yourself out there more as far as getting more friends. Keeping yourself busy will help keep him off your mind.

Good luck, it's been a little while since your last post, so I hope it's going well.

coffeeluver · Dec 29, 2009, 02:35 AM

I know its been a while since I've posted on here. I have been really busy with the holidays and what not.

So anyway, it has been a little over a week since I have seen him and I'm not going too crazy. I don't think I can do cold turkey but I can do a slower process.

The way he has treated me has definitely changed since we first met. He used to go out of his way to see me or talk to me and now I noticed it is more out of convenience. He doesn't go out of his way for me at all.

So when I saw him last week I couldn't stop thinking about this. I started to feel used and even though we are both using each other, it still hurt. The sex wasn't nearly as good as it usually is and I think my thoughts of him had to do with it.

I sometimes read back the texts or emails he had sent me and feel somewhat annoyed of him. Like the way he tries to make a joke or make me feel special now just seems fake and repetitive.

I'm not sure if it has anything to do with our last conversation of how I'm starting to get attached or if he has also been busy, but we haven't really talked much. And the only time he made an attempt to contact me was to see when the next time we were going to get together. I really enjoyed him as a person and the way we used to connect so much. Now our conversations are cut short and it simply seems to be just sex. Like I said earlier, I just feel so used this way and I guess I can't have just sex.

I think I have become attached not because of sex but because of these other connections we had. Now that we haven't talked as much I don't feel so connected with him and my feelings for him have changed slightly. I still can't stop seeing him, but I am going to try and see him fewer times until I can finally keep him out of my life.

redhed35 · Dec 29, 2009, 03:36 AM

Well coffeeluver I was delighted to read your post, not because you feel bad, but because your starting to see the real man,and your starting to see the relationship for what it is... for your sake,I hope it continues and you find the strength to walk away.

kp2171 · Dec 29, 2009, 04:12 AM

damnit... had to "spread the rep." you are cute as sin and right as rain, redhed35.

Originally Posted by redhed35

well coffeeluver i was delighted to read your post, not because you feel bad, but because your starting to see the real man,and your starting to see the relationship for what it is...for your sake,i hope it continues and you find the strenght to walk away.

kp2171 · Dec 29, 2009, 04:48 AM

To the OP'er... glad you are taking some steps in the right direction.

Until he is all in, he isn't.

My wife (soon to be ex) has lost so much from holding on to a man who was never really hers... sorry you are in this place. Glad you are at least stepping back.

My only caution is about the gradually stepping back part. I know someone who has been doing this for over ten years... and in the meantime she is really unavailable to other healthy relationships.

amicon · Dec 29, 2009, 04:56 AM

My advice is to go cold turkey and start healing from a relationship you should never have gone for.

smoothy · Dec 29, 2009, 06:48 AM

I agree, anything LESS than cold turkey will just prolong the pain, prolong the misery, and prolong any chance you have of moving forward in your life.

As long as you are clinging to the past... you won't be able to see or be fully available to the right single guy if you do run into him.

Some things you just HAVE to do cold turkey.

sandalwood7 · Dec 29, 2009, 01:47 PM

Cold turkey sounds horrible, and it is (only for a short while), but it certainly is the best way to do this. Hanging on to this man, especially how you are feeling in your last post, will only cause emotional turmoil in your head, suffering and prolonged pain.

Why don't you try writing a list or thinking about all the positive things he gives you and all the negative things..? (this has helped me before) You could even write it diwn for us to see in your next post if you felt comfortable, if it helps you...

You should never never ever have to feel 'used' in a sexual relationhip. You have the power to say no if the sex makes you feel used.

Another thing that is important for letting go is to delete ALL his text messages.

Smoothy is absolutely right when he says that you will never be available to meet the right guy while you are still with this man.

This man you are with at the moment is sucking you dry and is preventing you from living your youth (I don't know your age,but it doesn't really matter!we saty younger for much longer these days!). He has trapped you, and yet what does he give you back for it??

I am also proud of you, because it is very brave/and hard to look at the reality clearly. And this is what you are starting to do.

It is an old saying... but you definitely deserve better :-)

coffeeluver · Dec 30, 2009, 07:14 PM

I see what you all mean by gradually moving on not working. After not hearing from him for almost 2 weeks, I finally heard from him. All my negative thoughts about him disappeared when I heard his voice. It's like I forgot everything hurtful that he's done and I focused on how he makes me happy.

I feel like gradually moving on is just going to be a never ending cycle; I am finally ready to move on, then I hear from him and I'm back to square one.

I'm not ready for cold turkey and no matter how many times I am told to do it, I just can't. Is there any other suggestions besides cold turkey that you have heard of or that have worked well in the past?

amicon · Dec 31, 2009, 02:53 AM

The simple answer to that is:NO.

redhed35 · Dec 31, 2009, 04:17 AM

I'm going to through this on the table and see what everyone including coffelover thinks...

That the op dates other men.

No sex no relationship,just your regular dinner or cinema date.

If this guy is all she can see,how about looking,and I mean looking at other guys and how they treat her...

The problem I see with this is the op forming an attachment..

I do agree that cold turkey is the best option and then a period of healing,but,the op is not likely to do that from reading her posts.

I'm just trying to explore another avenue.