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solow · Dec 26, 2009, 10:21 AM

Apologies in advance - you must be getting bored of listening to me by now...

A bit of an update... I am up north, got here on 22nd and stayed at his mum and dads until yesterday and now I am at my sisters. He called at the house with the presents and sent me a text to say how lovely the house was (I made sure it was spotless as was determined not to let him think that I couldn't cope) and he mentioned that he was now going up north to stay with his parents for christmas day (he was meant to be staying with this woman) - I am not sure whether he is still seeing her as he said something like he needed to sort things out and that they weren't exactly an item - I know, I shouldn't ask... I have been feeling really low, it just all seems so sad. It is better that I am with my family during the christmas period, but it is still really difficult and I still can't stop thinking about him - how do I move forward with my life? How long will it be like this? How do I stop focusing on him all the time?

He is off on holiday tomorrow for 3 weeks, staying with some mutual friends and after that he has a possible 6 month contract in Geneva - I suppose during that time he won't be seeing her...

I feel like I am in mourning - how do I change my mindset and start thinking positive - feel like I am going backwards...

amicon · Dec 26, 2009, 10:40 AM

You are mourning the death of your marriage so your feelings are normal at this stage.
I would suggest you have minimum contact with him.
After the holidays you can set the legal machinery in motion . That will give you something to focus on.

Jake2008 · Dec 26, 2009, 10:53 AM

I agree with amicon, it is mourning. Any significant loss, not just death, puts you into that mourning state. It isn't something you can fight, or speed through. Nature has a way of allowing us to heal, one day at a time. Eventually you will feel better, and the results will allow you to truly move on.

But those are just words, and at the moment, that isn't going to make you feel better. What you accomplish in the future isn't going to help you feel better about today.

Interesting that he's not spending this time with his g/f, and he says they aren't exactly an 'item' anymore.

solow · Dec 26, 2009, 12:50 PM

Thank you both for your replies, I suppose I just have to go through the mourning process and hopefully start to heal soon.

It is interesting that he is not spending time with her, I have tried to ask and he says it is something he needs to deal with and won't go in to detail with me but said what he sorts out isn't a bad thing for me - whatever that means... although why I should be interested in whether they are together or not I don't know - he has been with somebody else and that should be enough for me to not to want to have anything more to do with him... instead I am hoping that they are not together and that there might be a chance for us! Flippin mad!

I need to stop focusing on him!

Jake2008 · Dec 26, 2009, 03:01 PM

I think it is natural for you to be wondering what his words mean, and it wouldn't be the first time a man or woman has left their relative spouses, only to find out it was the biggest mistake they'd ever made their entire lives.

It isn't beyond possibility that could have happened, but, not enough information. For now, maybe tuck that thought in the very back of your brain, and plan to move forward with things you have already planned.

solow · Dec 27, 2009, 05:54 PM

I am feeling desperately low and sad - I want to get him and what he might be up to with whoever out of my head - any tips? How do I not care anymore? Why can't I turn the focus onto me - why am I not thinking that I am worth that effort? Sorry!

amicon · Dec 27, 2009, 06:04 PM

Of course you're worth it! You need to make plans and keep busy doing things that lift your mood.
And accept that feeling low is normal but that as the days go by you will feel better.
Work actively to turn your life around-dont put it on hold for him HE s not worth it.

talaniman · Dec 27, 2009, 08:00 PM

We humans tend to have them feeling when we have been hurt. It sucks for sure.

solow · Dec 28, 2009, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

We humans tend to have them feeling when we have been hurt. It sucks for sure.

It certainly does talaniman - have you got a magic cure you could give me? I am in so much pain - feel like I am right back where I started when he said he wanted to end the marriage.

solow · Dec 28, 2009, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by amicon

Of course youre worth it! You need to make plans and keep busy doing things that lift your mood.
And accept that feeling low is normal but that as the days go by you will feel better.
Work actively to turn your life around-dont put it on hold for him HE s not worth it.

I know he isn't worth it - I am putting him on a pedestal, and this other woman who happens to be slimmer and in my eyes prettier! Why am I intent on hurting myself?

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 10:01 AM

You were dealt a fresh blow when you found out about her,and that opened up the wound again.
Only you can heal yourself even though the support of others who care is very important.
Find some anger and use that to move forward.
He's not a god,he's a human being with human flaws and he's hurting you.

solow · Dec 28, 2009, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by amicon

You were dealt a fresh blow when you found out about her,and that opened up the wound again.
Only you can heal yourself even though the support of others who care is very important.
Find some anger and use that to move forward.
He's not a god,he's a human being with human flaws and he's hurting you.

I know - you are right and as ever I receive wise words here but... why can't I listen to them, why do I keep hoping? Its pathetic and so am I! He doesn't deserve all this energy I am wasting on him - he has spoiled so many peoples lives lately... it was is mum and dads 50th wedding anniversary the other weekend and they planned on a big fanily get together and he spoilt it so it doesn't just affect me... I still can't stop thinking of him and her...

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 02:14 PM

Poor his parents as well-try training your mind to switch your thoughts to something pleasant instead. It can be done-watching comedies and reading amusing books do as well, walks-sitting by the sea-anything you enjoy doing-you need to keep busy.

Gemini54 · Dec 28, 2009, 03:46 PM

The thing about pain is that you have to feel it. Sorry solow, but there is no magic wand.

We live in an age where we want an instant response to anything we desire but some feelings just have to be experienced. May I make a suggestion?

Accept that you're feeling desperate, emotional, unhappy, obsessed.

Accept that you loved your husband, but that he had a relationship with someone else.

Accept that everything is uncertain and the future is unclear.

Accept that you're grieving, but that you not quite sure what the outcome will be.

Indulge in the obsessive thoughts if you need to - eventually, it's like eating too much chocolate - you'll get sick of it and it will make you nauseous.

If you just allow yourself to accept what is happening and what you're feeling, instead of desperately trying to find a solution or a cure - then surprisingly, you'll feel sort of better. You'll still feel sad, unhappy, etc, but you'll understand that this is what you are meant to feel.

I suggest you get a couple of boxes of tissues, a couple of really sad movies and bawl your eyes out. Really howl. Allow yourself to physically express all the sadness and desperation. Tell yourself it's OK, and just 'be'.

solow · Dec 30, 2009, 06:39 PM

Well he has now decided to tell me that he has ended it with this woman as he doesn't want a heavy relationship and that she is very upset!! Why tell me she is very upset and also why should she be if it is something that happened just recently (last couple of months) and he had made it clear from the start that he didn't want a commitment or heavy relationship.

What did he hope to achieve by telling me? Answers on a postcard.

Jake2008 · Dec 30, 2009, 06:53 PM

I'm glad you posted solow, been wondering how you are doing.

My advice to you is not be an ear to his girly problems. He has been used to having you so long to address any problems with, but this is certainly not something that has anything whatsoever to do with you.

Let him talk to his mother or friends, or a counsellor, and make it clear you don't want to be his sounding board, and then don't talk about it. Change the subject.

Actually, when he does say things like this, stop him in mid-sentence, and tell him straight- you need to talk to a professional. Repeat as necessary, but don't take this crap from him.

Another angle might be he is trying to elicit sympathy as a way of downplaying his role in the relationship with her. If he makes her look really bad, people might understand why he left her and feel sorry for him. Don't bite that either.

One more theory is that this might be his way of saying that YOU weren't like HER, and maybe he is starting to re-think all of it?

I would be cordial for the sake of the kids, but in no way participate in his pitty party, manipulation or finger pointing.

Take the high road here.

sylvan_1998 · Dec 30, 2009, 07:28 PM

He told you because he want you to make it better or make it go away. He is not used to having to clean up his own messes and he needs a safe mental place. As long as you have feelings for him and hope for a future with thim, you are his safe place.

Twenty three years is along time. I think he needs counseling. Duh... its obvious. But I would not take him back until he is fixed. And he has a lot of work to do.

Good luck

talaniman · Dec 30, 2009, 07:29 PM

You're a lot better than me as I wouldn't even be talking to him.

solow · Dec 30, 2009, 07:48 PM

Thanks for your comments everybody... I believe or used to believe what he tells me is/was true - didn't have reason not to, but now I don't know... for her to be so upset about them finishing after such a short relationship leads me to believe that he wasn't telling me the truth and that it has been going on for much longer than he said - but why not tell me that in the first place, it's a bit like when he couldn't tell me our marriage had ended (still cant) and that he wouldn't tell me whether they were or were not still seeing each other still - doesn't he realise how much more hurtful he is being by not being straight?

I really don't know why I haven't stopped the contact with him - I think I need to head that way for my own sanity and just speak about light things like our girls, bills etc.

For one day I would just like not to think about him or what he is up to etc.

Jake2008 · Dec 30, 2009, 08:27 PM

It could very well be that they had been involved for much longer than he has admitted. When he finally made the step to move in with her, was probably after a lot of planning, and time.

But, it is still all the same ball of wax. If he was with her one month, a year, six months, he still made the decision to bail on you.

He's not going to be honest unless it suits his needs, about anything. You have no way of telling if he's telling the truth, and it is totally understandable why you would doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.

That's why it might be better for you to not discuss his life, after he left. As much as you'd like to know the detail, try your best not to be drawn into it. You'll only end up with more questions, and you won't feel any better.

He will start showing a little more respect for boundaries when he gets a letter from your lawyer.