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Cro55r0ad5 · Dec 25, 2009, 09:21 PM

I want to know how to keep this "good man" in my life, when he has baggages. My insecurities comes from know that he has been married twice, and has "cold feet" about ever getting married again. He tells me that unless we last more than ten years, he will not consider marriage ever again. My question is "why would I sit obediently for ten years to wait and see if he might throw me a bone?" His answer is that if I really love him like I say I do, then I would wait that long. What sucks even more is that THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES IN LIFE, so it's a risk either path I take. I am at a crossroad.

I am a 45 y.o. divorced female. Have been for the past 13 years. I am currently dating a man who has been divorced for two years. He has two young boys from the marriage. A 6 & 5 y.o. He has been married twice, and is now gun-shy about ever getting married again. However, he tells me he loves me and want me to be a part of his family. I've met his ex within the second week of our dating. I've been invited to spend weekends with him and his children. At first this seemed all fine and dandy for either one of us, but now, knowing how he feels about ever getting married again makes me hesitate about moving forward. I want to know what is in it for me for PLAYING HOUSE with him if he has cold feet about getting married to me - somebody he loves? I've never had to be Second or Third Best to any man I am dating. I usually end the relationship. Why is this so hard for me to walk away from? How do I accept being Second Best?

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Fr_Chuck · Dec 25, 2009, 11:51 PM

First I assume this is your own question, you posted it as a answer to someone else's question. I have moved it.

He is wanting to know how much you "love" him and expected to wait, but then in return how much does he love you, and why is he comparing your relationship to his past.

Cro55r0ad5 · Dec 26, 2009, 12:13 PM

Oops. My bad. I am new at this site. Still trying to figure out how it works... Thanks for moving it to the appropriate column.

sabrewolfe · Dec 26, 2009, 12:16 PM

I can understand how he feels after two failed marriages. Wouldn't it be wise for you to want to wait for marriage with him since he is unsure of it with you?

Jake2008 · Dec 26, 2009, 12:26 PM

"He tells me that unless we last more than ten years, he will not consider marriage ever again. My question is "why would I sit obediently for ten years to wait and see if he might throw me a bone?""

I think you've already answered your own question.

sabrewolfe · Dec 26, 2009, 12:36 PM

Give it time. How long have you been dating him?

jmjoseph · Dec 26, 2009, 12:40 PM

A real "good man" would not have even posed this "contract" to you.

If you enjoy his company, then why push the point?

He has a bad taste in his mouth from what the two ex-wives have "done to him".

You can either,

A. Enjoy yourself and hope he changes his mind.

B. Leave him and hope to find another "good man".

C. Stay, and make yourself miserable about which to choose.

If you really love this man, and you know that he loves you, and he treats you with respect and understanding, then you should just give him time to see if your relationship grows. Maybe into marriage.

sully123 · Dec 26, 2009, 12:52 PM

Your being way too hard on yourself and him. I understand where he is coming from, your boyfriend only being divorced for two years and you 13 years. I can see why he puts the brakes on, I can't blame him. Sounds to me your looking to get married, and he isn't thinking about that. I can see both of your points. But why jeopardize a nice relationship, and enjoying each other, and then take it from there. If he treats you wonderful, why would you end it, and then look elsewhere. He is being very cautious, and there is nothing wrong with that. I would just go with the flow now, and stop putting the pressure on both of you.

redhed35 · Dec 26, 2009, 12:53 PM

There are two small children involved here, I think moving very slowly and avoid them falling in love with you and you with them, until you know for sure what the future is..

You don't say if they live with him or not, but you can easily organize your time together around his time with the kids..

Try and put yourself in his position, if this was you, would you put your children first?

Your not a teenager, you're a grown women... what ever choice you make,keep in mind its not only his heart that might break if you split up down the road but the kids too...

Weigh up the pros and cons and see how it feels.

talaniman · Dec 26, 2009, 01:20 PM

You have had ample time to put things in perspective, and build an independent life for yourself. He has not, even though I think he is moving to fast in putting you in his life, as a partner, and not a wife. But at least he is honest about it.

Ten years is a long time to wait, considering you have not known him that long to be even thinking of marriage. (assuming it's a lot less than 2 years, straighten me out on that ) and it can't hurt to just see where this is leading by simply dating, and getting to know each other. I think you have a lot more to learn about this twice divorced fellow, before you can make a decision on if he is worth your heart, or not.

Who knows, you may feel as he does, and not want marriage, just live together. Hmmm, are you currently living together? I sure hope not!