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jealdi · Dec 16, 2009, 09:03 PM

My step daughter and her 5 year old child are in a crisis that is about to boil over and they need help. None of the professionals are listening to her because she calls them when she is out of control so they focus on her not the real issue. She does have issues but I am concerned about her son. Here are some of the things he does.

Is an angel at pre school. Needs to be the center of attention and direct every other child what to do and say. He is very intelligent.

He has a lack of feeling for his mother. Rage. Recently put a fake sword to her throat and stated sweetly "I love you mommy".

Feels the world revolves around him and demands it be that way.

Constantly soaks the bed. When she asks him why he does it, he says, "I like it."

Has bowel movements in the bathtub and ignores them.

He goes out of his way to send his mother into a fury. When she got something in the mail from me and there was nothing in the package for his, he totally lost control and screamed how much he hates me. Yet, earlier he stated how much he loves me. I did not take offense at this. It just adds to my concerns that this family is in crisis (she is a single parent). She has been trying to get help with him now for 3 years and things just keep getting worse.

These are just the tip of the iceberg but hopefully I have gotten my point across.

Any suggestions? I don't live in her area so cannot go over to their home. And she has no family or friend support where she lives.

Any suggestions are appreciated...

twinkiedooter · Dec 17, 2009, 03:06 PM

Have the child properly assessed by a child psychologist as soon as possible as this child will only get worse, not better.

jealdi · Dec 17, 2009, 07:40 PM

Thanks for taking the time to respond. She has been taking him many places. They put him on meds once and he didn't tolerate it well so he was taken off about 6 weeks ago. That is when he got much worse. The only thing they are doing now is toy therapy, which, in my opinion, is a waste of time and energy. They see a counselor tomorrow. I told her to ask to see if he can be hospitalized until he is somewhat stable and she can get the help that she needs also. I also told her to tell them to call me so I can talk to them in a calm manner. She is at the point to where she can no longer be rational about the situation. It is bad to see a tragedy before it happens but things are close to being there. I'm not one to be dramatic normally but truly feel I am justified in my concerns.

justcurious55 · Dec 17, 2009, 07:48 PM

That sounds a lot like my little brother. Part of the problem was definitely him.he had some issues that he needed therapy and medication for. But part of it was also my mother. She didn't know how to handle his issues. My brother would act out around my aunt and uncle too, but they were better at handling it. So it never escalated as much. Maybe in addition to his therapy, she might also benefit from some parenting classes. To help her learn better techniques for getting him under control when he goes into his rages, instead of her also losing control. 5 year olds can be a handful. And they know when their parent can't handle them, and they know how to take advantage of that.

jealdi · Dec 18, 2009, 06:52 AM

Thank you. Yes, you are right. They both have a huge problem. She doesn't know how to handle him and treats him how she was treated as a child... with violence. I am hopeful that he will be placed in a hospital for his issues and safety and then she will get the help she needs to deal with his issues as well as her own. Mental health issues seems to span generations until something happens to stop the cycle. I'm just hoping that this happens before someone gets seriously injured.

Jake2008 · Dec 20, 2009, 03:38 AM

Jealdi, you sound like a really awesome person to have such concern, for the both of them.

You don't judge, but clearly your points are well taken, and both of them need some serious therapy, in hospital for the little guy preferable.

The problem, as you so correctly pointed out, is that help is sought during a crisis, and whoever is working with her, has to focus on that first. Budgets are stretched very thin, and the 'luxury' of really spending time with the family is a thing of the past.

It will be a battle just to get even short term help, and I'm not sure how willing your step-daughter will be to admit to her role as being violent toward him when she snaps.

Considering the severity of the situation, have you considered calling child protective services? I don't mean for them to go straight over and do an investigation, but just a general call for now and see what services they offer mothers and children.

Mental health issues, I agree, tend to span generations, although, I think that most families fall within the norm, even the extreme end of the norm.

With this being very close to Christmas I'm sure you're worried.

Please post again if you can, and let us know how things are going for you.

jealdi · Dec 23, 2009, 03:47 PM

Thanks for your concern. Someone else has called CPS twice. And there has been also been 2 calls to the police to check on the welfare of the son. Still, nothing has changed. I decided yesterday that I need to call CPS, which I will do next week. If they speak to him and ask any questions they will hopefully take him out of the house and get him the help he needs. The way things are going he's going to hurt her or she will hurt him. If she hurts him, I would have to take some responsibility because so far I haven't called anyone to step in and protect him. Sometimes we need to do things that are unpleasant, especially when it involves a child like this. Thank you for your advise and concern!

justcurious55 · Dec 23, 2009, 07:53 PM

I hope they do something. As you said, it's unpleasant but needs to be done. Tough love is hard. But I'm glad you realize it's important and care enough to do it.