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debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 02:19 PM

Im 44. I don't like me. I don't understand why I am alone. I try to make friends but usually two things happen. Females get jealous of me because I seem to be so strong & together on the outside & willing to listen to their problems & not burden them with mine. Men are attracted to me because Im one of the boys & they say they wish their partners understood them like I do.

I am in love with my best friend. We are soul mates & we both recognise this. We end each others sentences, we communicate with just a look, we know what the other is thinking, we sense each others pain.

He has been married for 18 years, the last three have been troubled & he tells me these troubles. He says he loves me & wants to be with me every day. He says I am the person he is happiest with. We do have a very strong bond. I believe he tells me the truth as he has told me each time he has cheated on his wife.

She hates me & has given him the ultimatum me or her. He told me yesterday he cannot spend time with me anymore because he is comparing me & her & because she is not like me it causes him to get annoyed. She tells him he treats her badly & he thinks its because he wants her to be like me.

I feel like I want to die. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this as I know they will say walk away.

Does anyone have any other advice?

redhed35 · Dec 18, 2009, 02:33 PM

He cheating on his wife, and he is not going to leave her..

If she was that bad, do you not think he would be gone by now?

That would make sense.

For starters,getting rid of him from your life,will cull the baggage..

I also think, that you might give out a vibe of unavailable, because of your attachment to this man,like him,perhaps you gauge other men, as he guages his wife.

You need to find your centre again and get back to you...

People who are strong attract others with problems,they don't go to people who are weak!

So you are strong, but all of your energy is being put into a man who does not want a future with you,he wants to be with his wife,he's still with her!

So, my advice, get rid of him, and get back to you.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 02:37 PM

Thank you for your reply but as I said at the end I do not want to walk away. I understand how easy it is for people to say that. But he is my best friend. I don't turn my back on people just because they don't do what I want them to do.

redhed35 · Dec 18, 2009, 02:44 PM

This is not about friendship, this is about a marriage,that you have no business in...

If you are the cause of strife in the marriage,and he has said he is walking away,there is not much you can do.

You can wait at the side lines,and always be second best,or you can do as he wants,and live a full and happy life,and perhaps meet someone you can fall in love with...

You might want to be a good friend,but your not being a good friend to this man.

You sound like a smart women,and I'm sure you know that you cannot make someone want you.

There's a saying from another member,taliman.
Don't make someone a priorty in your life,while they make you an option in theirs...

You're the option, his wife is the priorty.

artlady · Dec 18, 2009, 02:49 PM

Maybe he is finally taking the higher road and trying to repair his marriage.Maybe he had fallen for one of the ladies he cheats with.

Either way,he has made a decision to end your relationship and you have no choice but to accept that.

If he wanted to be with you ,he would be. People break up and begin new relationships everyday.

Whatever excuse he has for staying with her is,the bottom line is people do not stay in marriages for years if there in not some reason.

He told me yesterday he cannot spend time with me anymore because he is comparing me & her & because she is not like me it causes him to get annoyed. She tells him he treats her badly & he thinks its because he wants her to be like me.

That is the lamest excuse I have heard in a long time and if you are buying that it is because you are desperate to believe in this lying cheating player.

I think he has done you a favor.I think your relationship has outlived its usefulness to him and he is dumping you with excuses a teenager wouldn't believe.

Time to move on with your own life.If there is a man in it ,then fine but know that if there is not,it is not the end of the world.A man does not complete you,only you can do that.

Alty · Dec 18, 2009, 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Thank you for your reply but as I said at the end I do not want to walk away. I understand how easy it is for people to say that. But he is my best friend. I dont turn my back on people just because they dont do what i want them to do.

Of course you don't want to hear that you should walk away, because that's not what you want.

You want him to leave his wife. You want him to be with you. You want, want, want, want, and you don't care who else gets hurt because of your wants.

The fact is, he's still with his wife. If he loves you so much then why is he staying in his marriage?

Also, the wife told him to choose and he did. He told you that he can't see you anymore. He chose his wife.

You may be tons of fun. You may "get him" better then his wife, probably because you don't have to put up with the cheating and crap she does. The fact is, you're not what he wants, otherwise he'd choose you.

You're second best. Is that good enough for you?

amicon · Dec 18, 2009, 02:57 PM

Have to spread the rep red. I agree completely with redhed's posts-in addition, he's told you about the times he's cheated on her, so he's a cheater-he's not happy or so he says,but when faced with her ultimatum he chooses to turn his back on you,never mind your strong bond. He is not a good friend, friends don't behave the way he does.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 02:57 PM

Wow thanks everyone I so glad there is that much honesty out there.
You all have your own very worthwhile opinions.
I don't have wants.
I don't believe I should be the better choice & I don't want to be the second choice either.
What I do believe is you cannot make another human do something they don't want to do & to use emotional blackmail to do that is not wright.
He is my best friend. He is being emotionally blackmailed. I am just sad I cannot help him see that.
I am tired of trying to survive in a world where it seems OK to use manipulation. Why can't everyone just be honest like you all are?

friend4u178 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:05 PM

Hi debard
I don't have much to add because the ladies above have pretty much covered it , and as you stated they are being honest with you because they know how it works so believe them , unfortunately we see your story on here all the time and your showing the same signs of denial that they all do.

Bottom line is married men with mistresses are of the same ilk , they lie cheat and tell you what you want to hear so as to keep you as their bit on the side , this so called Best Friend of yours has obviously been caught out and has finally had to make a choice , and he's made it.

Time to move on.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:06 PM

By the way did anyone read to the end or did the I am in love with my Best Friend bit stop you? This marriage had problems way before I came along he has cheated ever since they got together? 20 years ago. I am not the cause of their problems, their lack of honesty with each other & lack of trust is. She has cheated on him also & she is often heard saying she hates her life & wants out. There is always many sides to a story. Interesting how most people want to turn their backs on hard times between friends & walk away. Sad really. The reason I am here is because I don't want to burden my friends with my problems as that's how you loose them. He tells me his problems for that you think I should walk away. To leave a friend is to let myself down

Cat1864 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by debard9

Thank you for your reply but as I said at the end I do not want to walk away. I understand how easy it is for people to say that. But he is my best friend. I dont turn my back on people just because they dont do what i want them to do.

This is going to get harsh:

So, instead of bowing out gracefully and allowing him to work on his marriage, you are selfish enough to think only about your own desire to hold on to a 'soul-mate'/'best friend'.

It isn't about what you want him to do. It is about what he needs you to do. IF he has not been lying to you about the relationship with his wife and they are trying to work on their marriage, then he needs for you to disappear from his life and get your own. Even if he has been lying and 'working on his marriage' is an excuse to get rid of you, he has made his feelings clear. He is not going to continue the relationship with you.

He has told you each time he has cheated on his wife. You really believe anything he says? You really think he hasn't been feeding you a line to keep you where he wants you? How many of the past 'other women' heard the same speech and think they were 'special' too?

It isn't turning your back on someone to support his/her decisions. It is being accepting of the FACT that you can help the person best by giving him/her space.

Let yourself heal from this relationship. Go out and find your own life and a man who is not committed to someone else. One who truly is meant to start a relationship with that the two of you can work on together as a couple.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:22 PM

Yes of course I am in denial & in pain & everything else there is including suicidal & have already self harmed. That's why Im here. Because I'm sick of the voices in my head. Of the merry go round. Ive just lost my job it's a week till Xmas & now my best friend has hurt me. But Im not wanting anyting but a way to express myself. Im not wanting anything but acceptance for being a human. I thought that's why you have conversation. Not judgement. It seems I am being judged as the cause of this situation. How can my unconditional love to another human be punishable. I have never suggested he leave. I have never asked anything of him. I do not make contact with him. He comes to me. He calls me. I give his marriage respect by not interfering or making suggestions to him. I am simply asking here what to do for me. I accept he will do whatever he will do, as all humans do. I just cannot understand why humans remain in relationships with people they are not happy with. You all sound very experienced in giving opinions & I am honoured to get a response from Friend4u as I have read a few of your posts this morning & think they are awsome. I started this morning reading a suicide site & it suggested I share my thoughts & feelings with others so thus I am doing. But I must say its not helping. I started all this by asking for help with understanding energy. I have been told my energy is loving & caring & Yes Red I believe I do attract the wrong people because of this. But I am looking for ways of helping myself by understanding how this energy I have helps & attracts others who need help. I find it so easy to help others & make them feel loved & cared for. But right now I feel no love for myself, no any need to care for myself.

redhed35 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:31 PM

Time to take stock...

And time to cull the dead weight.

You have given enough of yourself to this friendship,now it has turned toxic for you... you need to de -tox.

Start by taking care of your physical needs,see a doctor,and perhaps a trained therapist... seriously,your in trouble now and you have the fore sight to see pending disaster in your life right now.

So be pro active,look after number one now,because if you don't,you won't be able to help anyone.

I just wanted to add, its OK to be weak, and its OK to admit we have made mistakes and accept help...

You can be strong, broken down,and build to be stronger again,and its OK to cry.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:41 PM

So to anyone left listening it seems giving you the present reason for my saddness was a mistake. If I had just to you all I was sad & kept the reasons internalised as I have done for the last 18 months then maybe you would have given different advice. Yes I know all advice can be seen as harsh. Yes I know I will not consciously want to hear a lot of what I am told at the moment but subconciously I am sure it is all sinking in. Harsh as this may be I am amazed that females jump to the blame path so quickly obviously this is why I don't have many females friends. Guys on the other hand if they choose to listen will give more practical fix it advice if they can think of it or just no advice at all. Emotions are very hard things to live with. Mine are intense. Intense Pain Intense Love Intense Saddness & Intense Joy. I don't have many whatever moments. There is always a very strong feeling about things in my heart & my head. This is the energy I am asking about. How does one deal with the energy inside that overpowers all reason. Im not asking for control just a path to try or an exercise to try to simmer down the intensity & try to direct the intensity in a positive direction instead of the sad endless painfull ending direction I am in.

redhed35 · Dec 18, 2009, 03:54 PM

debard9... your story reminds me very much of a book I once read,its called 'the journey' by brandon bays,published by thorsons 1999, in this book the author talks about the light and darkness with in all off us and healing.

It might be worth looking into.

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 04:00 PM

That's the problem I don't know how to look after me. I started all this by honestly telling you how old I am & that I still don't like me. I have seen many therapists & have another new one to see on Tuesday. I have had 44 years of not liking me & as with all habits am finding it increasingly hard to change this one.. At least this time I have asked for help in another less potentially bad way. In the past I have told so called friends my troubles only to have them run away or worse use my personal weakness against me. So now here I am trying to ask how to love me, how to help me, all the suggestions I have been given in the past is just take care & love you & the rest will take care of itself. I know this must be true Hell I've been hearing it for so many years. But yet I have not found out how to do it. For anyone still insterested here it is. I was rejected at birth by my mother. I was tyed in the crib at the hospital due to facial problems so as not to harm myself. I received very little love, no motherly bonding & a childhood of bullying & teasing which grew into adulthood of mistrust, abuse by partners, abuse by workmates & general lack of respect. Yet here I am 44. Capable of giving genuine love & care to people in need. It seems until a person has had all taken from them they do not learn to appreciate what they do have. I appreciate the gift of healing that I have. I appreciate the gift of listening that I have. I do not use makeup or any other type of disguise to change my appearance because I don't believe its worth it. I do however keep myself fit & try to eat healthy when I have money to buy food. I am not a material person & value a piece of wood or a discarded plate I find over any item bought from a shop. I have very good references from employers yet can not find a job where I fit in with the other humans. I find it difficult to fit in socially because I read body language well & tell the honest truth if I am asked my opinion. This does not make friends. Is there anyone out there who understands why I feel like a freak. How can I learn to love myself when being myself seems to only bring saddness?

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 04:07 PM

Thanks Red. It feels you are listening to the true problem & not just looking at the outside or what appears on the surface. I get that I probably started with the wrong info but that's me what's at the top of the pile comes out first its not until a human waits around long enough or has time to find out what's under the layers. This is why I am so sad at losing my Best Friend. We have spent 18 months sharing our inner thoughts & feelings & Im in pain because I feel have lost the person who understands me the best. Not as a lover or anything more. Just as that other human that can walk into a room & just know & feel what each other is going through. Other people when they meet us for the 1st time think we are brother & sister. That's the close understanding love Im talking about. Love comes in many forms. For me the only other time I have felt that total acceptance for the freak I am is from my Grandma who passed over October 19 1999. I have not felt accepted by anyone other than my best friend. That's why I don't want to do this anymore.

redhed35 · Dec 18, 2009, 04:18 PM

You know for starters,you can stop calling yourself a freak,that's not helping you,only cementing into your subconcious that YOU believe you're a freak...

The problem is within you, lack of early attachment and bonding can effect you through out your life,eric ericson,mia pringle,jonh bowby,there are theorist galore that can pigeon hole you into a catagery... you are not alone, there are books upon books written about YOUR feelings, they are not unique... that said. It also means,there are people that can help you understand the way you are,the way you think and why you feel emotions so intensely... I suggest you try and find someone trained in behaviour therapy...

I do understand how it feels to be invisible,and for it to seem 'one ' special person can 'see' me...

This has happened before to other people, and you may find you have been knocking on the wrong door for years!

debard9 · Dec 18, 2009, 04:37 PM

Thanks Red
Where is the right door?
Where is the right key?
I used to ask my Dad when I was little why isn't there a book Dad that gives me the instructions on how to survive. Or Why can't we read peoples minds then we wouldn't need to lie because we would already know.
A lady once told me perhaps we came from a place where they could read minds & here we just don't use that skill. See why I think Im different. I know I have a purpose but its so hard to find it & Im getting old & tired of banging my head on the wrong door. In fact that's what hurts the most is the cut & lumps on my head from banging it on the floor to stop the negative stuff.

talaniman · Dec 18, 2009, 04:49 PM

But right now I feel no love for myself,

Relax, many who can empathize closely with others, has a problem when it comes to themselves.

Mostly because they give so much, that they save nothing for when they need it, yet still will give if another needs it or asks for help. That's the way you are, and have to accept it.

But giving is one thing, getting is another. You need to get more for yourself, and that has to start with you making a very conscious effort to say no to others, and do for yourself what you do with others.

Yes that's right, be selfish on your own behalf, and on a regular basis. You cannot let people drain you of the life force you need. Just can't, and your best friend despite the love, takes but gives nothing back. If he is your only friend, that's a recipe for disaster. You need to recharge your batteries often, so need a plan that allows you to do so, and as you have written, the lack of love, and support in your life, is the circumstance that needs changing now.

Volunteer work can help, its helped me many times, by keeping things in perspective, and keeping me from taking self so seriously when I feel down, and drained.

I think this is right up your alley as the gratitude for being helpful is an immense source of power.

Your friend does not do this for you as its all about him, and his own needs, and that's what makes him a lying, cheating, selfish, taker, and why his wife is wacky. Trust me he uses your loyalty for his own gain, and replaces it with BS, and if you were less isolated emotionally, you would recognize this for yourself, but trust me, and just give it thought.

The main thing is to move yourself higher up the priority chain, and start to learn for yourself, how to give yourself what you NEED, so others can too.

Start being good to yourself, because you're a good person that deserves it. And give yourself what you want others to give you.

That's where you start the learning process, by doing what you have not done, being selfish, and start putting yourself first. It can be done, and its not hard, and as you do more for just you, it will get easier over time.

If you're a freak, your definitely in the right place as there are quite a few of us here last I checked.