[auntie_ray_ray]

About 3 years ago my family adopted my three little cousins. Gage will be 6 in January, Frankie will be 5 in April, and Gabe/Baby-G will be 3 in January. My aunt (my moms sister) is addicted to too many drugs to name and her children were taken away by children services. Its been really hard on me and my mom because we are the only ones who take care of the boys. My sister has her own life and hasn't really been here helping and my dad stays late at work or is in his band room. Hes never really been here anyway though. Pretty much its just me and my mom. At first it was really really hard. I was 15 and raising 3 children that weren't mine. I had 1 friend and besides my mom no family. I couldn't talk to my mom about my problems because every time I did she felt like a bad mother and made me feel guilty for bringing it up. I couldn't talk to my best friend because she didn't understand the things I was going through and the advice she gave was immature. She would tell me to run away or rebel. I had to grow up so fast and miss out on a lot. I see all of this as both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I have three beautiful children who look to me as their mother and I know that I have helped to give them the best life I could. A curse because all the responsibilities thrown at me at such a young age and the amount of family problems that we now have. My mom would rather have peace and quite rather than doing what's right. She lets the kids get away with murder. I try to enforce some kind of rules and discipline but they don't listen to me because my mom lets them do as they please. She is always stressed out, very hard headed, never listens to me about other options on how to raise them, and for the most part uses me. Now I know my mom loves me but when a mother tells her child she can't move out because she needs her to babysit (rather than because she would miss me) and doesn't let me get a job because then she wouldn't have someone to help clean, cook and watch the kids... that's just wrong. She doesn't appreciate me or anything I do for her and this dysfunctional family and I'm SO sick of it. My sister was always the one to do as she was told. Always got good grades never did ANYTHING wrong and was favored. Im constantly being compared to her and put down for how I'm can't be just like her. My mom has also had a drinking habit since as far back as I can remember but when the kids came it became worse. If she was a "fun" drunk it wouldn't bother me as much but she's a mean drunk. She takes everything the wrong way and blames everyone for everything. I really think if I was to leave, just pack my bags and go, she would miss me. Maybe she would miss some of the fun times we had but for the most part she would miss what I do for her. I keep the house as clean as I can get it with 3 disobedient boys living there. I take time off school to watch them when their home sick so she doesn't miss work. I cook dinner every single night and do the grocery shopping. Pretty much I feel like her maid. I feel like I have to wait on her hand and foot and I'm so sick of doing this. I don't get to go out with the little bit of friends I do have. My relationship with my boyfriend is almost crap and it all comes down to what she's making me do. I've talked to her time and time again but nothing ever works. She says I have to help this family survive. I have to make sure these boys have a good home. I have to help her and my dads marriage. There was one night that I finally stood up to her and told her that I couldn't take it anymore. I told her just about everything I've said in this post and I made her cry. She told me that I was being unresonable and selfish, that I didn't love her or my family and that she didn't raise me to be this way. What I want to know is how in the hell do I make her change? How can I get her to listen? What do I have to do to make her respect me? I really am scared that when I finally do move out on my own I'll never come back again and I don't want that. Please help this is one problem that has haunted me for the past few years and it won't go away.

[ordinaryguy]

Damn, girl! You are carrying a load that would break the back of most adults, and you've been doing it since you were a child. I hardly know what to say, except how in the he11 have you done it this long without going stark raving mad? You are one strong woman, and my hat is off to you! You're not only raising three wild boys through the toughest part of the job (We have a 3-year-old grandson and 1-year-old granddaughter in our household, so I do have some point of reference), but it sounds like you're babysitting your alcoholic mom as well. It's really good that you can see the blessing in your situation, because the curse is plenty obvious, and a lesser person would see that and nothing else. Those boys are SO fortunate to have you in their lives. Eventually, they will come to realize it and will thank you for the great gift you're giving them.

As far as your mom goes, well, it's just so sad that she's too self-centered to see how lucky she is to have you, and not just for the work you do. If she could get out of her own head for just a minute, she'd get a whole different view of the situation, but that's probably not going to happen. The sad fact is that there is nothing you can do to "make her change". I honestly have no insight on how to deal constructively with her. Val will probably have something profound to say about it. She usually does. All I can tell you is never EVER doubt yourself or the value of what you're doing, no matter how little respect or appreciation you get from your family. I know it's hard to see others your age going out and having fun, being irresponsible and carefree. You are giving up a lot of your own childhood and youth, and this is no small sacrifice. It will be a handicap you will have to overcome as you get older and establish your own life as an independent person. Life is not fair, certainly not to you, but the maturity and wisdom you are developing so young will be a great asset later on. Take what comfort you can in that. And for what it's worth, I have nothing but respect and admiration for you.

[auntie_ray_ray]

Well geeze... thanks again. To be honest deep in my heart I never expect those problems to be fixed with an easy answer because I know I can't change her. She can and will only change if she wants to. I guess I just needed to vent and hear that good things will come to me for what I'm doing. I always tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that what comes around goes around which usually gets me through my day. I'm not trying to sound like a saint or anything either because god knows all the dumb decisions I've made but I have commen sense and when I make a mistake I don't make the same one again. I do crave to hang out with friends and just be a teen again but there will be plenty of time for that when I'm in college so that's kind of what I'm looking forward to. Just being able to move on from this point of my life.