[coffeeluver]

I have done something so terrible and I need to talk to someone about it. I don't know why I did this, and it's not something I normally do. Please don't judge me when you read this, I just need someone to talk to.

It all started a month ago when I started seeing a married man. I had no idea he was married until after I really liked him. Right then I told him we had to stop because I couldn't do it, but he somehow convinced me to anyway.

From the start we had agreed on a no strings attached sex relationship. Just fulfilling each others needs sexually, that's it. The reason he is cheating is because his wife isn't satisfying him in bed and he's bored. He still loves her and has no intention of leaving her. I knew that from the beginning and was okay with that.

But since we do talk about our life and whatnot, I have also become emotionally attached to him. I can't imagine a day without talking to him and this is killing me because I need to stop seeing him. I just can't and I don't even know where to begin.

There's so much more I have to say, if there's anyone out there who doesn't think I'm scum and can help me I will keep sharing. I just don't know who to talk to and I have been hurting so bad.

[shazamataz]

coffeeluver, do you do anything with him besides from sex?

He is using you, plain and simple.

Get out now before you end up getting really hurt.
I'm not going to scold you for what you are doing but more him, he is cheating on his wife. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel if you found out your husband was sleeping with another woman because you 'weren't good enough'

Sit down and talk to him, tell him that you are not comfortable with what is happening and tell him that he needs to talk to his wife about their sex life. They need to work this out either by themselves or with a marriage counselor.
Him jumping into bed without his wife knowing is a cowardly act and honestly I don't know why you yourself would want to sleep with and be so attached to a man who is capable of that.

[coffeeluver]

Strictly sex. I already talked to him about the issue with his wife. At first I just felt really bad for her and that is why I was having problems seeing him. But now I don't feel bad anymore because I am so used to doing it. It's so terrible the way my feelings have changed in the aspect of not caring about her feelings.

Doing this has changed my perception of a man. I do not feel like I can ever be loved without being cheated on. If this man is cheating on his wife whom he still loves, what hope does it give me for the rest of the men out there?

And besides all that, I am having issues not being able to talk to him when I want. He obviously can't talk when he gets home from work and I'm usually at work during the day. I'm having a hard time working around his schedule at home. How selfish of me, I know. He's not mine, so it shouldn't matter, but I want to be able to talk to him and see him anytime. The fact that he always texts me that he's home or he's spending time with his wife has been starting to bother me.

I know we agreed to just sex, but like I said I have become attached. I thought I could do straight sex, but I can't. And now that I started something with him, I really can't stop...

[ChildOfGod_1]

Dear, don't looose your self-respect with him. Do not let yourself be used by someone who is just treating you like a toy.

Gather yourself! You are no less of a respectable person. Part your way decently on a calm note, and don't contact him ever.

Doing this has changed my perception of a man. I do not feel like I can ever be loved without being cheated on. If this man is cheating on his wife whom he still loves, what hope does it give me for the rest of the men out there??

This is not true! Even the worst of human beings can be loved for just what they are without being cheated on. Not all men are bad.

Having moved away from him, just remove him from your emotional thoughts, But, never hold a grudge. Anger, frustration against him, will only hurt you more and more. So just dust him off your mind, and move on!

[shazamataz]

I think you need to just go cold-turkey.
Tell him you want out and block his number from your phone

I know that is easier said than done and yeah sure it is going to hurt like hell for a while and you will feel awful but in the long run it is what is best for YOU. This relationship is never going to be more than sex and all you are doing is hurting yourself by getting more and more attached to him.

End it now and move on.

[coffeeluver]

You're very right. I need to just tell him I can't do this anymore. I'm going to have such a hard time dealing though.

I was never supposed to get attached, I don't know why this happened. I simply wanted casual sex, I guess I'm just not cut out for it.

Thanks for your help. I think I knew I needed to end it, I just needed that extra push.

Will you still be on to chat with me when it's over? Just thinking about it, I am getting emotional and I can only imagine the pain I will feel when I won't have him to talk to. I just need someone to lean on until I can carry on my life as I did before I met him.

And thank you again for not judging me.

[shazamataz]

Some people are quite capable of no-strings attached relationship, others aren't. You are one of those who aren't.

And of coarse we will be here when you need to talk, there are many other members much more qualified than me to talk about relationships, they just usually come online in an hour or so. (I'm in Australia, the bulk of our members are in the USA and Canada)

No matter what the outcome there will always be an open ear here.

[Cat1864]

you're very right. i need to just tell him i can't do this anymore. I'm going to have such a hard time dealing though.

i was never supposed to get attached, i don't know why this happened. i simply wanted casual sex, i guess i'm just not cut out for it.

thanks for your help. i think i knew i needed to end it, i just needed that extra push.

will you still be on to chat with me when it's over? just thinking about it, i am getting emotional and i can only imagine the pain i will feel when i won't have him to talk to. I just need someone to lean on until i can carry on my life as i did before i met him.

and thank you again for not judging me.

coffeeluver, this thread about No Contact may help as can the other threads about breaking up that are at the top of the Relationship Forum: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html.

It may not seem like it right now, but there are a lot men who would never cheat on their mate for any reason. Give yourself time to heal from this 'relationship' and when you are ready you will find one.

Since you are trying to move on, don't kick yourself about getting involved with him. You have learned from this. Just don't forget the lesson of needing to be the only woman in a man's romantic life. More than likely he has been lying to you as much as he lies to his wife. I think you were emotionally involved before you had sex with him and that was probably part of what helped him convince you to help him cheat. Unfortunately, I would almost bet that you aren't the first woman he has played this game with.

Any time you need more advice, to rant, or to talk, just keep adding to this thread.

Good luck.

[J_9]

He's got you hook line and sinker with his lies and deceit. He's lying to you about their relationship because he knows he can have his cake and eat it too. If he was truly not happy, he'd divorce her.

I know from experience. My ex husband told his home wrecker the same thing. Now, I'm not judging you because at least you feel guilty about what is happening. My ex's home wrecker just didn't care.

I hope he does not have children. This could ruin them and give them trust issues when they reach dating age. Again, my two grown son's are products of my ex and his home wrecker.

It won't be too hard to keep no contact. Just think about him in bed with his wife, then coming into your bed whenever you want to talk to him. He's cheating on you too you know.

I wonder what his wife would think if she knew. I bet she's clueless and very happy in their marriage.

[smoothy]

Without passing judgement here since BOTH parties were involved here knowing he was married. You knew he was and continued and he obviously didn't let it stop him either.

As was mentioned... you just have to stop and walk away from this cold turkey. Yeah its going to hurt... but not as much as an Irate wife kicking in your door one night carrying a ball bat or worse.

Not easy but something you have to do.

His reasons can be any number... from she is a shrew not putting out at all to he just likes the thrill of a new woman or anything in between. Not justifying or bashing here. Since both parties aren't obviously unattached the best thing to do is walk away and keep that distance. Too many bad things can come of it and very few good ones if you continue with him.

[slapshot_oi]

...if there's anyone out there who doesn't think I'm scum...

Well you're wrong about that, he's scum for cheating and using you.

The only solution is to stop talking to him and cut him off completely.

His only goal is to feel powerful, if he really loved his wife and she wasn't satifying him, he'd probably suggest couples counseling or something like that and wouldn't cheat. He goes home to his wife and sees you on the side to stroke his ego that he has two women vying for his attention. He could really care less what you think of him as long as you answer your phone and willingly sleep with him.

[Gemini54]

Look, in reality it's only been a month. For someone that thought they could 'just do sex', you've gotten attached awfully quickly.

You now know why he wanted a no strings attached relationship, but I'm surprised that you would have agreed to such an arrangement.

Your post speaks of someone that is needy and desperate for love and affection - why would you have thought that this arrangement would provide you with that? Did you hope that the sex would turn into something more? You're, in fact, both using each other. He wants the sex and you want love - but there is no love to be found here.

Tell him it's over and walk away. To stay is to continue a dishonest arrangement that stands to hurt everyone, but you most of all. It's only been a month, and you still have the opportunity to walk away with some degree of decency intact.

[smoothy]

His only goal is to feel powerful, if he really loved his wife and she wasn't satifying him, he'd probably suggest couples counseling or something like that and wouldn't cheat. He goes home to his wife and sees you on the side to stroke his ego that he has two women vying for his attention. He could really care less what you think of him as long as you answer your phone and willingly sleep with him.

As a guy speaking you have that all wrong for most guys.

Yeah it's a control trip for a few guys just like it is for a few women.

But not most. Your average guy might do this if the wife is being an incessant nag who ignores his needs and worries only about her own. Yeah there are a lot of women like that too. Can't even begine to guess what his exact reasons are for this and neither can anyone else... including the OP. I doubt he has completely spilled his heart out as to what's wrong at home in that short a time.

Not justifying his actions at all, just pointing it out that its not always the guys fault, as he can be driven to seek companionship outside of the marriage. And yeah.. he very well can do this and care about her... its only about control and subjugation for a very few cases. Most cases would be because they met someone had a connection and let it go too far.

That and an affair takes two parties (its not an affair if you are alone)... he is wrong doing it outside of the marriage, but the OP knew this and pursued him as well. Neither party has the moral high ground here.

But as has been said... sometimes you just have to turn and walk away from something... this is one of those times.

[slapshot_oi]

As a guy speaking you have that all wrong for most guys... I doubt he has completely spilled his heart out as to whats wrong at home in that short a time.

I am a guy and I wasn't speaking about most guys, I was referring to the OP's love interest. And he probably didn't tell her everything that's going on at home, but you're speculating just as I am.

Not justifying his actions at all, just pointing it out that its not always the guys fault, as he can be driven to seek companionship outside of the marriage.

By saying it's not always the cheater's fault, you are trying to justify this guy's cheating. He made the choice to cheat, it's on him completely. There are a lot of other roads he could've taken, like, as I mentioned earlier, counciling.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, because even good people can make bad choices, but the husbands who make the conscious decision to cheat and try to deflect all responsibility for it (by saying their nagging wife drove them to do it) are just plain sh*t.

That and an affair takes two parties (its not an affair if you are alone).....he is wrong doing it outside of the marriage, but the OP knew this and pursued him as well. Neither party has the moral high ground here.

Had you any sense of empathy you would realize being emotionally involved with someone, even if it's wrong, makes breaking up very hard. I don't blame her for what she's done, this jerk-off played his hand real slick, he waited until she started to fall for him and then put on the brakes by telling her he's married so he wouldn't have to commit to her; he has her just where he wants her.

[coffeeluver]

I have actually been talking to him for 2 months and we started sleeping together for a little over a month now.. But you're right, that's still a quick attachment. I never get attached to men so I never expected to with this one either.

But I tried to tell him today that I couldn't do it anymore. It was very difficult and it didn't go the way I wanted. I just didn't have the guts to tell him that I was emotionally attached. So I blamed it on sex and told him I was physically attached.

I know that was the wrong thing to say, but I think a part of me doesn't want to stop seeing him. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that the only thing I could think of to fix the problem was to not see him anymore.

He said he understood and if that is what I wanted then that was what would be done. He said he would be disappointed because we had so much fun together, but that was okay with him.

We had planned to see each other tomorrow for a week so he asked if we could see each other one last time. I told him I had to think about it, but I didn't think I could do it.

He is really good with words though and got me to agree on seeing him tomorrow... Not to mention the fact that I also somehow agreed to keep seeing him...

I feel really stupid right now because reading what I just did is obviously not the smartest move on my part. I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!

[shazamataz]

Do you have his cell phone number?

If it were me in your situation I would send him a text message, just say something along the lines of: "Sorry I can't do this any more, every time I try to break it off you seem to convince me to keep going. I am blocking your number from my phone please do not try to contact me again"

It's the only way it's going to happen if he has such a way with words. Tell him it's over and Don't allow him to reply, put his number on block immediately after you send the message.

Just remember we are here for support when you need it.

[Cat1864]

Go to the Relationship forum and read the stickies at the top of the main page. They will give you a lot of good advice. Pay special attention to going No Contact.

No Contact is breaking off ALL communication with the other party. It gives you a chance to move on and heal without influence from the other person.

You have told him you don't want to see him again. It doesn't matter what reason you gave him (You could have told him you were moving to Mars and the commute would be too much). What does matter is that you have decided to move on to a less self-conflicting way of life.

This is one time I recommend disappearing from someone's life. Block his calls. Do not accept email. Don't look at MySpace or Facebook. Do not read his texts. Lose his phone number. Try to remove as much temptation as you can.

Don't give him a chance to say anything other than one 'good bye'. No other words are needed. You have given all the explanation you need to. You're not his wife so you don't have an obligation to try to work things out with him.

Good luck.

[Gemini54]

I have actually been talking to him for 2 months and we started sleeping together for a little over a month now.. But you're right, that's still a quick attachment. I never get attached to men so I never expected to with this one either.

But I tried to tell him today that I couldn't do it anymore. it was very difficult and it didn't go the way I wanted. I just didn't have the guts to tell him that I was emotionally attached. So I blamed it on sex and told him I was physically attached.

I know that was the wrong thing to say, but I think a part of me doesn't want to stop seeing him. He asked me what i wanted to do and I told him that the only thing I could think of to fix the problem was to not see him anymore.

He said he understood and if that is what I wanted then that was what would be done. He said he would be disappointed because we had so much fun together, but that was okay with him.

We had planned to see each other tomorrow for a week so he asked if we could see each other one last time. I told him I had to think about it, but I didn't think I could do it.

He is really good with words though and got me to agree on seeing him tomorrow... Not to mention the fact that I also somehow agreed to keep seeing him...

I feel really stupid right now because reading what I just did is obviously not the smartest move on my part. I know in my head what I need to do, so why can't I just do it?!?

Can't you see he's schmoozing you? You feel flattered because he can persuade you to stay, in fact you're really looking for the excuse.. . Shazza and Cat have given you great advice. You only have yourself to blame if you don't take it.

[coffeeluver]

As much as I have tried to follow all of your advice, I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am such a disappointment and I have let myself down. I really appreciate the help from you all, and I apologize for not listening. It's so much easier said than done though..

[amicon]

It's only as difficult as you allow yourself to make it.