[flimflamflimflam]

So, I'll try to be brief. I don't know where to begin. All of this stems from a breakup I had with my fiance/mother of my two little boys. We dated for 6 years, we started dating in high school. She left me in May, for reasons that neither of us agree on. She said it was to take a break, but when she took her break, she was rather promiscuous. No big deal, whatever. Well, she did come back in August or so. However, when she came back, she also came back with lots of other men texting her, calling her, and basically pursuing her. The time she was back, we didn't sleep together once. She just left again, last week. It's December, to clarify. After she came back, it was never good. She was cold, mean, and basically unwilling to put any effort forward to repair the damage she and I had caused. Now, I am no angel. I have my share of flaws. But, I was doing quite well for a 22/23 year old man with two kids, a mortgage, and owning my own profitable small business. Well, she left again last week like I said, and the only thing really holding me back from calling her is, well, I don't know! But, I am 99% sure she is dating someone else already, and it really kills me inside. I haven't let her, her friends, or anyone know it, but I feel an actual pain because it hurts so bad. She fell out of love with me, and I didn't fall out with her. I am upset with her, because she left and caused more damage to the relationship then good (which she has admitted), but I am afraid that if she ever asks to try it again, I'll fall for it. What can I do? What should I do? How does one go about realizing it's not a healthy setup, and move forward, and turn off love for someone?

[Alty]

You can't turn off love, but you can use your head and realize that love may be blind but it doesn't have to be stupid.

You're beating a dead horse.

You can't go to No contact because you have kids together, but you can realize that this relationship is over, was over a long time ago, and you have to move on.

Yes, it hurts like hell. It will hurt for a long time. But, one thing I can promise you, it won't hurt forever.

You deserve to be with someone that loves you as much as you love them. Isn't that what you want? Do you really want someone that cares so little about your feelings that she's willing to just run off with someone else, leave you behind without a second thought?

That's not love. Your head knows it, your heart will catch up.

Be there for your kids, be the dad you have to be, communicate with her only with regards to the kids. Move on. Heal.

This site is great and there are a lot of people going through the same thing you're going through. You're not alone.

[amicon]

I have a question,what happens with your children when she comes and goes as her whim takes her?

[vanheart]

Yes, you are doing well.

You have two loving boys. A house and a thriving business.

Concentrate on that.

Your ex, unfortunately doesn't want what you want. She has already shown that.

Like you said, when she came back. It was never good.

She doesn't want to commit to you, herself or her kids.

Especially if she's screwing around & 99% with someone else.

What you need to do is do is to have a talk about how you two are going to move forward with the children. Considering she is half of that responsibility. Forget everything else, its about the kids.

She needs to stop denying and get with her responsibilities.

[flimflamflimflam]

Altenweg, you're so right. My head knows it's a joke to be with her right now, but my heart is so far behind. I made every decision in my life about my boys and her, and now it's just me. She took my boys to her mother's house, because she left with no plan, no job, no nothing. She is still living with her mom, except her mom calls quite often for me to take the boys, because she is kicking the ex out. It's hard. One of my boys is only 1, and when we were together, I worked anywhere from 10-15 hour days, so I'm not the most fluent father. Generally, she leaves the boys with her mom before she goes and plays with new boyfriend, as far as I know. Here is a question. Would it make sense, seeing how she is the mother of my kids, to wait a few months, then see where her life is? About 2 years into our relationship, we split, and I didn't talk to her for 4 months. She told me afterwards, she was practically like I am now. I don't know what sowing wild oats means either, clarify?

[vanheart]

She's already showing you what kind of partner & mother she intends to be.
My advice is to take the kids & blow.

You don't need this, nor should you subject your kids to this.

Do you have anyone that can support other than her mom?

BTW, sowing wild oats means screwing around.

Sounds like she doesn't care about anyone.

[amicon]

You need to come to some sort of agreement which gives your kids stability in life that should be your very first priority,they need and are owed stable and secure lives.
As for your ex do you really want to be with someone who flipflops in and out of your life?

[talaniman]

You don't need advice, you already know what the score is, you need a lawyer, and joint custody. Is she on the mortgage? If she is, do what it takes to get her off. Let her go do her thing and you do yours, and be a great Dad.

When you accept bad behavior, for any reason whatsoever, you get more of it. Nip this in the bud.

[Devorameira]

I agree with Talaniman. You've got to put your boys first and get an attorney. They need to be in a loving stable environment.

I think your relationship is history. If she does show up on your doorstep it'll only be because she has nowhere else to go, then as soon as she finds somewhere to go she'll move again.

You've got to move on! It's not healthy being in a unloving yo-yo relationship.

------------------------------------


“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

[flimflamflimflam]

You're all so right. It's just so dang hard, I want to pull my hair out. I've sat and analyzed it for days, weeks really, but the bottom line is, I don't want this. I don't want to be single dad, and have my boys be split up between the two of us. I'm doing pretty well today, but that's until nighttime comes. Oh, speaking of, I had a dream last night! To sum it up, my ex committed suicide (? ), and I woke up to my own screaming and yelling at her that I could save her. If that's not a subliminal message, I don't know what is. Thanks for all the help, you guys (and girls) are great.

[Alty]

You're all so right. It's just so dang hard, I want to pull my hair out. I've sat and analyzed it for days, weeks really, but the bottom line is, I don't want this. I don't want to be single dad, and have my boys be split up between the two of us. I'm doing pretty well today, but that's until nighttime comes. Oh, speaking of, I had a dream last night! To sum it up, my ex committed suicide (?!), and I woke up to my own screaming and yelling at her that I could save her. If that's not a subliminal message, I don't know what is. Thanks for all the help, you guys (and girls) are great.

This isn't going to be easy. This is going to hurt worse then anything you ever experienced. I told you before though, and I do promise you, it won't last forever.

There is no choice in this. You have to get over her because she's gotten over you. She's moved on, like it or not. You can't make a decision about a relationship when you're the only one on board. It's a two way street, right now you're on a one way.

This is going to be hard, no matter how you look at it. You can't just walk away because there are kids involved. What Tal said is dead on. You need a lawyer, you need custody. Those are the things to consider right now.

She's not in the equation, subtract her, think about the kids, your property. Your heart will have to wait. Deal with that later.

I really feel for you. I wish I could give you hope, but I'm an outsider looking in and I see how this is, more so then you do. It's over, but your life isn't.

[vanheart]

FlimFlam.

Im so sorry.

But like you say, you don't want this. And, in a way, you are already a single Dad.
So don't worry. Continuing on like this is worse.

I know all to well about those dreams, but she's doing it to herself, just probably you worrying about the repercussions. But don't. You are not the bad guy here.

You need to act on this & do what is best for you and your boys. Stay strong.

I know its hard, but once you do, you will start feeling a weight lifted and you can take things from there.

You should really get legal council & set a plan.

She's going to do what she wants, but you have to do what's best for you and your kids now & in the future.