[PRD44]

I have been with this girl since we were junors in high school. It would have been 9 yrs at the end of this month. The only reason we weren't married sooner is because we have both been broke pretty much since we graduated. We both dropped out of college because we didn't know what we want to do with our lives, as far as careers are concerned. I have since gone back to school so that we can make a better life for us. Back in January of this year, we picked out an engagement ring and I made payments on it until it was paid off. We got engaged three months ago. We set a date for two weeks after I graduate college. She started hanging out with this guy who works at the same day care has her about eight months ago. They would go get drinks after work while I was at my night classes. I trusted her but never liked it. I knew that he liked her but I never thought that she would ever do anything to hurt me. I guess they started having sex about 5 months ago. I found out about this last week and we have split. We have lived together for the last four years, I have paid her bills, I have taken care of her. She is not a very independent person. I had to drive her places when the weather was bad. I would run to the store after my night classes for her even though I was tired and she had all day to pick up what ever it was. I did everything for her! At the time I looked passed it because I loved her. I was glad to do those things for her.

When this all came out into the open, I asked her why she didn't distance herself from him when she started to have feelings for him. She said nothing. She gave me a bunch of BS about how we had grown apart. When this all started I had NO IDEA that something was wrong between us. I thought we were both really happy. She believes that everything happens for a reason. I asked her if this was meant to happen. She didn't answer, that means yes in her head. She thinks that she is meant to be with this guy. He is eleven years older than her, she is 25, he lives in his married friend's basement and has a low paying dead end job. He is a child himself! His favorite things are Family guy and Transformers. HE IS 36 YRS OLD!

I know that I can never take her back. I could never trust her again. Right now she doesn't want to come back but I know when the newness of this thing wears off she will want to. I will never take her back!

I guess what I am asking about after this long, long story is, how do I get back out into the dating world when I feel that I am ready? I am only 25 but I have no idea what it is like trying to find a date. I have no idea how to be a single guy! How do I start over again when I was ready to marry and have a family? How do I go back it just dating?

[jaime90]

Singleness is not a bad thing. It doesn't make you unsuccessful. Why don't you spend some time trying to recover from this, and learn more about yourself? The only thing you can do, is meet new people, and cultivate friendships until you are ready to step into a relationship again. For now, why don't you just take some time to do things for yourself.

Since you are starting over, it would also be wise to spend TONS of time learning about any woman you may find yourself interested in... (this could take YEARS.) The more you know about the girl BEFORE the relationship, the better. Friendship is the best foundation for a relationship you could ever have, and it should come before emotional involvement, not after. Take your time, be extra careful, and learn as much as you can about yourself, and other people.

[paxe]

Tough story, sorry about all this trouble.

First off, you lived most of your life for her and you, where you should have lived your life for her. There is quite a big difference. What you need to do now is take care of yourself, apply NC and give yourself time, you have absolutely no reason to rush into dating, as there will always be plenty of fish in the sea.

Concerning dating, it's a matter of meeting people and going out. You need to get your life together and be an interesting person first. The more you go out (party, club, volunteering, activities) the more likely you're going to find someone. Most importantly go slow, don't go to a rebound.

[Young_Cardinal]

Dear god lol@ the transformers thing
Man honestly maybe this girl did you a favour, at 25 your still at your prime!
Your going to be successful cause you chose to go back to school and she's going to be alone or stuck with this 36 year old dead beat

My ex cheated on me on some dude who makes coffee for god sakes LOL and has no car!

Man ull realize things when your alone, just take it day by day
I totally ignored my ex and she started calling me again... good god
All I have to say is like what everyone here says, SILENCE is golden, try to move on even though the NIGHTS ARE PAINFUL
Eventually it got better for me as I took it one day at a time and reconnected with old friends

[Devorameira]

Sorry to hear about your breakup, but being single isn't the end of the world. Before you decide to pursue any women, please take the time to heal and be certain you are over this relationship. You don't want to bring any baggage into a new relationship. It may help to use some computer social networking just to get your communication skills up and running again. The most important thing is to not be in a hurry. You're young and have plenty of time to find Ms. Right. Just get out with friends and people you work with and have fun!


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Love happens whether you want it to or not. Don't try to control it.

[PRD44]

I know I need time to heal before I start dating again. I guess I was using this question as a way to let the world know how I feel.

There has to be a girl out there who feels the same way about relationships as I do, isn't there? Relationships are hard work some times. Its not always the fireworks and chemistry and the sparks.

I didn't realize that she was like this. She always had a hard time telling me her feelings even though I was always open with mine. I always had to drag it out of her.

I hope that I can find a WOMAN not a girl, who can take care of herself and give back to me as much as I give to her. Relationships are give and take. All I did was give and all she did was take.

I am so hurt right now. Not only because she cheated on me but she is taking no personal responcibility for it. She thinks its "meant to be." She used to think that we were meant to be. She is fooling herself into thinking that its all fate and everything will work out for her in the end.

Her dad cheated on her mom some years back. Her mother wanted her father back for a long time. Now her mother is happy and in a relationship and her father is miserable and alone. I talked to her father last night for the first time since we broke up. He said he told her that she might not see it now but she made a huge mistake and she will regret it.

I guess it hurts so much more because she has no remorse for what happened. She just kept telling me, "I never meant for this to happen this way." I replied to that, "so you meant for this to happen, just not this way." She would be silent. She thinks its all fate and she has no control over what happens.

There might be fate when you look at the overall world view of things, but when it comes to personal relationships, you are in direct control over what happens. You have the choice to cheat or not cheat. It would have taken one word to stop all this, "NO."

[paxe]

I understand your pain ( I was cheated on also ) and frustration. The thing is you did nothing wrong, she bears all the blame. People who cheat are coward and they don't deserve our respect. That being said, it is a good thing you broke up with her because it was toxic for you.

There is wonderful ladies out there just waiting for you but what you need is some peace of mind, which you will only achieve if you take an active role in healing and you're applying NC. As hard as it is, it's the only way to fully heal.

Stay strong and continue posting your day to day ameliorations, it will do you a great deal of good.

[talaniman]

I guess what I am asking about after this long, long story is, how do I get back out into the dating world when I feel that I am ready?

First off, you have to be completely over this girl you have spent an entire youth with. Yes things changed and now its over, but you must heal to appreciate that no one will take her place ever, but will be an entirely new and different experience.

You get back in the dating world by doing it for fun, and not romance. Dating is a way of getting to know others, without the looking for romance.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall.18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy.

When you look for romance, you get attached to soon, and to deeply, and are really critical, as opposed to sharing a great time, and making a friend who enjoys what your both doing. The more fun you have with a variety of people, and activities, the better you feel. That's what dating is about, not filling the hole in your soul, or finding a soul mate, but fun getting to know someone. When your ready for fun, you'll know it, because your happy with yourself and your single life.

There might be fate when you look at the overall world view of things, but when it comes to personal relationships, you are in direct control over what happens. You have the choice to cheat or not cheat. It would have taken one word to stop all this, "NO."

I will agree her actions are unacceptable, as breaking up would have given whatever she did after legitimacy. That would have been the way to go, so she is wrong for cheating.

However, none of us has direct control over a relationship. That takes TWO people working together thru honest communications to resolve their issues to the benefit of both. A hard thing to do maybe, but the right way to go. Even then, it may not work out. That's fate at work, but your correct, it does take a lot of work to keep the love alive, and thriving, year in, year out.

Obviously she got tired of working with you and fell for the easy way out.

Your still young though, and have a lot of good times ahead of you. Look forward, don't look back!!!